I have a very lovely friend named Emily who studies far, far away in England right now, and she has always been someone I could count on to criticize what I was writing effectively and ask me questions whose answers I felt are self-evident, but in truth are weak and need to be elaborated or transformed. Long sentence.
She wanted to know once why Lily truly gets so addicted to having a secret admirer. Not even a Phantom, just right down to what he is: someone who wants to shower her with attention, admiration, gifts, charm, and excitement tailored to her unique wishes. Not everyone in the world would actually want an admirer, secret or otherwise, and even making Lily a character who represents a possible majority of people who "just would appreciate one", that isn't good enough. It's a story, which means it was created, which means that unlike real life there must usually be a "why" asked about everything.
So I was thinking that one of "Erik"'s bigger charms is the way that he validates and propels her to be seen instead of invisible. I think she is withholding something that a few have seen before and looked upon with confusion or disdain and she gets much more comfortable with the idea of standing outside of herself and people not seeing her or being given a reason to analyze or to judge her personally. We've already talked about how she uses being an actress to feel things that do not belong to her own life, so that is the reason she can step on the stage, the reason she's most comfortable there, but again, as an ensemble member. I can grow this from the way she wore gloves as a freshman, how she started to imitate things she liked in all the small ways and mannerisms and habits, but only around those she trusted (so really, just Mariam.) Someone would have to be spying on her to experience any of that. *wink* In general, I think more recollections of her time as a freshman when "Erik" was watching her would be helpful, also because of the fact that I can tie in Mr. Worden somehow... probably.
One of the bigger things I thought would be good in revisions, though, is this sense that even her parents have not been noticing everything about her change. I was getting the idea just thinking about the Phantom OST tapes her mother puts on obliviously, as what she believes is a surefire way to cheer her up. When I think of Lily's parents, just by how they were described earlier, some of the things they do, and how they end up being omitted so much of the time besides casual mentions, I'm beginning to see two people who have such a shared and exclusive history, with their own passions, it may hinder their ability to parent in that way that someone as sensitive and expressive as Lily needs.
I mean just the fact that they move her around simply because they get bored - it would be interesting if it was more enhanced that Lily initially inherits this sense of boredom and needing something and then grows into the person at the end who is afraid to leave or change or take the risks she was taking with Erik over again, despite the nagging and troubling desire to do so. But point being: they move her during middle school from a place she clearly felt connected to, and I acknowledge that I missed a good opportunity in the last few chapters to have her make a connection with Westin, who went through the same thing - it was my aim for Lily at least to feel empathy for him, but did he even figure out she'd moved too?
I threw in that little joke where Lily loses her appetite when her parents have that sparkle in their eye when they hear they'll have the beach cabin to themselves. It's stuff along those lines that I thought I'd expand upon. I want Lily to feel like her parents love her but something is inexplicably missing. They have found their identities; she hasn't.
On top of that, I have also written about Lily meeting Paulina, meeting Paulina's friends, meeting Jeffrey, referencing Mariam's friends from his circle, but she doesn't make a single friend on her own the whole year if you exclude that Dana was a friendly acquaintance that she totally missed was trying to make a connection with her. In the revision, also, Paulina will be hosting her own Halloween party and catch Lily by herself downstairs, avoiding people, because it's Mariam who mainly wants to go.) Lily gets her friends second-hand so she doesn't have to risk reaching out, which is probably why "Erik"'s abrupt reaching is so bizarrely charming and brave to her. If not for Mariam, I don't even know if she would have went through with auditioning for the drama department ever.
With "Erik", she is the star of everything. He tells her directly and reinforces constantly that with him she has a true identity and a true destiny, and there is more to things than meets the eye. He makes her think that she's beautiful; that she's brave just like him; that she is not a person fading in the background; that she can initiate what she wants out of life.
Another criticism Emily gave me is that she rarely takes the "roleplay" into her own hands. I do think it would help characterize her if she spent more time asserting what it was that she desired from him and from a relationship, but it's interesting to note that much of the time it IS her in control from the perspective that "Erik" assumes a position of domination only to be subservient to her. Like any good stalker, he knows what she wants a lot of the time. I'll work on it, though.
♥,
J
She wanted to know once why Lily truly gets so addicted to having a secret admirer. Not even a Phantom, just right down to what he is: someone who wants to shower her with attention, admiration, gifts, charm, and excitement tailored to her unique wishes. Not everyone in the world would actually want an admirer, secret or otherwise, and even making Lily a character who represents a possible majority of people who "just would appreciate one", that isn't good enough. It's a story, which means it was created, which means that unlike real life there must usually be a "why" asked about everything.
So I was thinking that one of "Erik"'s bigger charms is the way that he validates and propels her to be seen instead of invisible. I think she is withholding something that a few have seen before and looked upon with confusion or disdain and she gets much more comfortable with the idea of standing outside of herself and people not seeing her or being given a reason to analyze or to judge her personally. We've already talked about how she uses being an actress to feel things that do not belong to her own life, so that is the reason she can step on the stage, the reason she's most comfortable there, but again, as an ensemble member. I can grow this from the way she wore gloves as a freshman, how she started to imitate things she liked in all the small ways and mannerisms and habits, but only around those she trusted (so really, just Mariam.) Someone would have to be spying on her to experience any of that. *wink* In general, I think more recollections of her time as a freshman when "Erik" was watching her would be helpful, also because of the fact that I can tie in Mr. Worden somehow... probably.
One of the bigger things I thought would be good in revisions, though, is this sense that even her parents have not been noticing everything about her change. I was getting the idea just thinking about the Phantom OST tapes her mother puts on obliviously, as what she believes is a surefire way to cheer her up. When I think of Lily's parents, just by how they were described earlier, some of the things they do, and how they end up being omitted so much of the time besides casual mentions, I'm beginning to see two people who have such a shared and exclusive history, with their own passions, it may hinder their ability to parent in that way that someone as sensitive and expressive as Lily needs.
I mean just the fact that they move her around simply because they get bored - it would be interesting if it was more enhanced that Lily initially inherits this sense of boredom and needing something and then grows into the person at the end who is afraid to leave or change or take the risks she was taking with Erik over again, despite the nagging and troubling desire to do so. But point being: they move her during middle school from a place she clearly felt connected to, and I acknowledge that I missed a good opportunity in the last few chapters to have her make a connection with Westin, who went through the same thing - it was my aim for Lily at least to feel empathy for him, but did he even figure out she'd moved too?
I threw in that little joke where Lily loses her appetite when her parents have that sparkle in their eye when they hear they'll have the beach cabin to themselves. It's stuff along those lines that I thought I'd expand upon. I want Lily to feel like her parents love her but something is inexplicably missing. They have found their identities; she hasn't.
On top of that, I have also written about Lily meeting Paulina, meeting Paulina's friends, meeting Jeffrey, referencing Mariam's friends from his circle, but she doesn't make a single friend on her own the whole year if you exclude that Dana was a friendly acquaintance that she totally missed was trying to make a connection with her. In the revision, also, Paulina will be hosting her own Halloween party and catch Lily by herself downstairs, avoiding people, because it's Mariam who mainly wants to go.) Lily gets her friends second-hand so she doesn't have to risk reaching out, which is probably why "Erik"'s abrupt reaching is so bizarrely charming and brave to her. If not for Mariam, I don't even know if she would have went through with auditioning for the drama department ever.
With "Erik", she is the star of everything. He tells her directly and reinforces constantly that with him she has a true identity and a true destiny, and there is more to things than meets the eye. He makes her think that she's beautiful; that she's brave just like him; that she is not a person fading in the background; that she can initiate what she wants out of life.
Another criticism Emily gave me is that she rarely takes the "roleplay" into her own hands. I do think it would help characterize her if she spent more time asserting what it was that she desired from him and from a relationship, but it's interesting to note that much of the time it IS her in control from the perspective that "Erik" assumes a position of domination only to be subservient to her. Like any good stalker, he knows what she wants a lot of the time. I'll work on it, though.
♥,
J
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