I got a series of reviews the other day on my AIW fanfictions, and someone on tumblr who wasn't even talking to me wrote that the hot-tub fic lives rent-free in their head, and I just *shrug* really appreciate that all those pages and hours weren't for naught and they're still being enjoyed. I'm not even done yet, there will be more, and this encourages me.

Maybe even some day the fic with Dodgson will be online. I don't know...

I guess I'm just by to say that Sky: Children of the Light has been more company to me than I ever imagined in a game.

I've realized recently that my bestie isn't my bestie anymore. That would be three, now, in my life -- three out of three -- that pulled the plug, while I myself still wanted the friendship. I don't blame Pyro; I was there when they had little else and were stuck in this lame town. Good things are often just because stars align, and when they fall out of alignment, the effort it takes to maintain is too much. They moved, made things better for themselves, and met new people to spend their life with, who probably relate to them better anyway, since we always had an age gap. 

Also, I know I'm not that likeable or miss-able. People can do without me. I've learned that very well recently, with the whole Jenna situation. 

But you know, on Sky, I think I've found a good friend in Jelly Donut (Kayla). Players can sometimes be very transient in this game, where I don't necessarily know them that well and they could leave and never come back and I'd be fine. The charming interactions that take place, I could just find a new player to have them with. Help a new moth get through Wasteland, etc. etc. In general, I prefer not to even use the chat function, because I don't want to overly be reminded of reality or the real people behind the cute avatars.

But with Jelly, it's different.

There was a bosom-buddies quality to it from the get-go, which was a year or over a year ago now. We've consistently played together and always warp to each other's whereabouts (sometimes I'll even be afk, with my character Pretzel face-planted somewhere, and then hear her setting off fireworks trying to get my attention. XD) We always have fun, and always give detailed updates about each other's lives. I think about her when I'm not playing, and wish her well, and sort of wonder what meeting her would be like (but also I don't think it's necessary.) We're on instagram, so we know what the other looks like, which was a bit jarring lol, but not troubling. 







I'm okay with having a friendship like this, though. Two avatars who hang out in these beautiful digital spaces, shoot the breeze, try finding glitches and other ridiculous stuff... It feels like someone is there who gets me, and not just that, but genuinely likes me, wants my input, trusts me to know about them, chooses me to spend that downtime with. I appreciate it, is all. Sky is a continuous blessing, for this and many other reasons.

So, the news that I failed to share in a timely manner on here.

I'm not in the mood to carve out a chunk of my night to ruminate about this, so I'll just put it simply, on this day, June 11th, my former bestie's birthday:

Jenna apparently didn't like me very much or value our friendship nearly the same as I did, and she ghosted me very much on purpose. Or, she grew to dislike me, and didn't even have the heart to appreciate our earlier times? I don't know, I didn't ask or want more details, but this is what Sam, her very own ex, said. And in the same email that he admitted this, he told me that she had suddenly broken up with him when things were very serious, and he was preparing to move to be with her. She also ghosted a friend of theirs, and was terrorizing another in their Discord server before just... leaving him and everything behind. Her "Alice empire", which seemed to be the only thing she's ever cared about ever since I met her.

Such a long string of WTF behavior from her, that couldn't have started with me and didn't end with me either, and probably still goes on in her personal life.

And yet, today, June 11th, her birthday, I think of her. I think of her on all of her birthdays. I told Sam it was one of the best friendships I'd ever had, even if somehow that isn't what it was for her. 

Needless to say, it feels like I've been gaslighted. By her, by reality. And it's shaken some foundations I had, some shreds of conviction I was able to retain even after loads of bad treatment from people close to me... that at least I could somewhat trust my senses. I had no gut feeling whatsoever that Jenna was shit-talking me behind my back, which apparently she did, to Sam. Bless his heart, he has proven that he knows very little about us, because she never talked about it. 

Today, June 11th, I think of her and wonder about her, and have told so many people about her and our times. My mom, and a couple of my closer friends, know plenty about Jenna, because her name passes my lips, her memory is in my heart. Pretty crazy to think that this was never reciprocated. 

Of course, Sam feels that this is a reflection of her, and not us. And no sign that she was just so damn lovable, and we were not. But it feels that way, y'know?

Anyway, dropping by to say this and moving on. But even knowing this now, I can bet that a year from now, on June 11th, I will think of her then, too. 

Hey,

I'll hold off on the bad news for a little while longer, I think. It's still being processed, and there may be yet more information. I will at least say that nobody needs to be worried.

Yesterday, I went back to the area where Becca and I had gone walking, and had another walk. heheh I stopped to overlook the river again, too. It was a lovely little time, with the waning sunlight throwing the trees in relief, with bright green rims. A subtle breeze shuffled them around. Even in the bugs in the air kind of looked like sparkles, and I was admiring them too. The sounds, the sights, the feeling, was very nostalgic, in a way it shouldn't be. In a way where you realize these things should've never been missing, because they are how you ground yourself.

They were also my inspirations, and I think I was able to write more in the past because I didn't feel physically and psychologically trapped. Being amongst the expansive beauty of a real, live, breathing planet was how my brain plugged into all the possibilities. That seems to be what has happened to me: I've become trapped and now I don't believe in anything anymore. I've self-soothed and relied on giving my brain such rails (and now I'm talking about being possibly autistic) that now there is scarcely new stimuli to remind me that life is ever-changing, and there IS so much to see. 

I'd like to go on a hike, and I'd like to climb trees again. I'd like to find adventure buddies. 

Also, I think I should finally buy that magnetic keyboard for tablets that has been sitting in my amazon list for over a year! It's time to take writing on the go. Standing there, overlooking the river, I felt like I could have backed up into one of the benches, whipped the tablet out, and gotten some pages done of HT, if I'd had that keyboard... and maybe also some bug repellent. hahaHAhaHA

~ ~ ~

Well, I have one more work week to punch out, and then it's time for a stay-ca. And though it has seemed my plans keep getting sabotaged during majority of my last stay-cas, I still want to make them. 

1.) I definitely MUST drag myself to the mall (alone) and do a wardrobe overhaul. My clothes are so old, and I need to get rid of like most of the stuff in my dresser, honestly.

2.) I need a new blanket and new pillowcases. I'm trying to help my hair be less trash, so I'm looking for something silk, which should cut down on breakage. 

3.) Schedule a tour for that apartment.

4.) Crack the fuck down on HT. Which means... fight the urge to spend all my time on Jareth. 

Mostly, that's it. And I've been tryinggggg to get majority of this grunt-work with Jareth taken care of so that I won't be tempted to dedicate hours to it during my time off. It just is taking soooo long, and so many beads. lmao

Anway, woah, I just realized I'm out of time. See ya later.

 Alright, then... update... update... update...

*sips iced coffee, which is all that saves me from slipping away*

Another day that seems like it's been wasted to having my brain twisted by this coat pattern. I am not a smart person, and I insist upon it every time someone suggests that I am for doing these things. My projects are like ten monkeys taking ten years to change a lightbulb, I've been saying. Today, ten monkeys struggled fruitlessly. I mean, OKAY, the collar was finalized yesterday, so there's that. I did cut out all the rest of the lace pieces and get my wax paper ready to do the glue for the collar, but I've realized I need more sea glass, and in a different shade of blue. Back to Michaels ugh

And I did edit the front and back side panels below the waist, since they were being weird, but then I ran out of pattern paper and couldn't map out the increasingly complex mathematical nightmare that is the pleat plans I came up with. I am so scared they will turn out wrong. I am so scared of a repeat of Hatter's tailcoat where the back doesn't look good because I didn't cater it well enough to the particular curves of my backside and so it just kind of hangs off me, rather than tucking and flowing as it should. 

What is lovely is that I talked to someone on tumblr who also cosplays Jareth and we geeked out the fabric of the original, and compared notes about what we thought we saw, and what kind of fabrics out there might be suitable. She notices all the care that's been going into details, and is *so* nice, and so talented herself. She totally recreated his leather vest that he wears for Dance Magic. 

Ah... anyway... I'm suffering burnout and haven't focused on anything else, other than I suppose feeding myself and sleeping. I've done self-care, but just not interacted with anyone or gotten back to messages. Pulled a Mariam and practically fell asleep straight out of the tub the other day. I've been sleeping like 10, 12, sometimes 14 hours, which is... suspicious. But again, maybe just burnout. 

*sigh*

I wish something nice would happen. Like I don't even know what, but just something. A fun opportunity, a new friend. Life is becoming such a repetitive dead-end. I simply huddle in the corner, trying to shield a tiny flame from blowing out. The flame of "why I think I'm here on this planet"... what is the point of it all for me. 

Discovering that I am possibly/likely autistic has simultaneously been helpful and validating, and made me feel less alone... while also making me feel like I have an unfixable defect/handicup... something that will always make life hard for me, always keep good things away/make me have to work harder than I have the energy for, and perhaps still for nothing. It has made me worry that it means my perspective isn't relatable, and my voice isn't one the world wants to hear, ever. I used to think I had something to offer, then kept offering it, and having it sit there. Maybe what I have to offer isn't that meaningful or useful, and all these things swirling my head will just simply die with me, and the world will be at no loss. It was just me quietly obsessively thinking about nonsense for several decades, before falling through the cracks.

Anyway, sounds like depression, doesn't it? But I don't feel particularly depressed. I haven't been sad or unmotivated. I feel like these are understandable concerns based on the life I have lived and what I've observed about the world and other people, and that it stands to reason there are lots of things that will make a more fulfilling life unlikely. 

They say "well, if you want something, make it happen", but I don't know how? Like if someone could teach me what to do (that was within my power, possible for me to do), I would try to do it. It's like someone saying "you know, if you really wanted to contact aliens, you'd make it happen" and it's like... "okay but I need a lot of expensive technology for that, and I'm not part of NASA, and??? I don't understand how radio technology works, can you teach me?" And they're gone. Or they'd probably say google it. 

But really, like, people aren't born knowing how to navigate the world for what they want, even if they desperately want it. I suppose next you could just say some people are stupid, so fine, maybe I'm stupid, and I need that extra help, there are simply not enough cells in my brain firing that can form plans for how to make my dreams come true... do only those who are intelligent and intuitive enough deserve to be happy and fulfilled? This society that believes in independence to the point of spitting on people who need to rely and lean on others, or ask for help, or whose best skills and knowledge aren't enough... makes me sad.

My skills and knowledge aren't enough. I have always needed help, and not gotten it. And I'm out of ideas for what to do, besides what I've always done, and now I just begin to comfort myself as my dreams die. "Well, I will never do x, y, and z, so let's just make sure all my blankets are soft, and I am not too stressed at my boring day job, and I have something to keep me busy". 

Sad entry is sad, omg I'm so sorry, Jennifer of the future who will read this and probably still find it relevant.

I hope some day I am proven wrong -- yes, I hope, as I was saying, something nice will happen.

-J

Oh hey, I'm back!

And still hating social media, for sure, but tumblr is sort of coming to my rescue. It's a weird site now, on the whole, that is slowly slipping in ads between everything, and has added a "marketplace" and "live" category, which feels has such a meta/facebook/instagram fuckery flavor to it, like adding a shoe-shiner to a hot-tub.

Do they not understand that instead of trying to be like every other site, they could put that energy into improving the way their site works, which is what we expect and want? I don't go to tumblr thinking I need to "go live" or buy stuff. Nobody did, and yet...? Did they run a poll I don't know about, in which some Gen Z fucknuts said that yes, they need another site to do the same shit?

Whatever -- there is a community of young and older on tumblr for Labyrinth fans, and Pants-Magic-Pants has consistently been a blog with an audience where I can connect with them. They support my cosplay adventures and post absurd memes of David Bowie, along with other cool content, so I'm there for it. 

~ ~ ~

The costume is going well, despite at a snail's pace. The collar and back/inside pleats are what's left of the pattern to figure out, and I have an idea for the pleats that just needs to be tested out on a smaller scale. The collar also has a new draft that can be tested. If both of these work out, I'll have figured out all the problems and can finalize every piece of the outside, inner facing, and lining -- then, begin shopping fabric! Nevermind, I still cannot find metallic velvet to my liking. It'll come... some day... the right material will appear...

Being that I worked out the front and back pieces and sleeves, I was able to cut out the lace for the lapels and shoulders, which will be worked into some of the velvet's seams. It's very exact, you see. lol And since those were figured out, I have the exact boundaries I need within to do the "hot glue shenanigans" as I have been calling them. 

Yes, I have been elbow-deep in shenanigans.

Lookee, here!

 

One cuff, one lapel. I will have to do it twice, of course... so... many more hours left of work to go. It's a labor of love and appreciation of the costumes in this film, I guess. And so, so many other people have cosplayed Jareth, but I don't feel I've ever seen his ballroom ensemble done justice. I've seen incredible attempts by young cosplayers who I'm proud of for being so ambitious, who clearly are taking in the details as best they are capable, but just not something that's really otherworldly level detailed, accurate, and giving it that swampy, organic look that the actual coat has. It's amazing, and I'm going to try my best to replicate it, and bring Jareth to life at the ball later this year.

In other news, I just made the perfect poached egg.

And in other, other news... I'm not writing nearly as much this year as I would have hoped, and getting into a routine of doing it feels as hopeless as my dream to someday get regular exercise.

Well, off to watch the BBC Pride & Prejudice for the millionth time while I paint my nails. :D

-J

I haven't updated since July -- lordy lordy lord, how should I even start?

*throws hands up* I would first say that I'm doing better and things are looking up. If I recall correctly, in July I was trying desperately to find a new job, and getting nowhere. There was a stay-cation which was first productive and then unraveled. Life was all around stressful for reasons that may not be relatable, such as loathing my cashiering job / the sun / myself. 

Well, I'm not a cashier anymore! A cute and fateful little thing happened, where the Wellness (supplement and beauty care) department had an opening and the manager asked me specifically if I was interested in applying. She must have really preferred me, because I was hired the same day I was interviewed, and now, here I am -- been doing it for almost two months. As a cashier, I was needing to take 40mg of CBD a day before my shift in order to look people in the eye / not fall apart as soon as I got there, but now, I take very little, maybe pop a gummy once a week, and do just fine, so there's your indicator. 

I really am enjoying it for the most part. The position mostly entails walking our three aisles, facing and stocking them, getting to know our products, and helping people find what they need. We're not doctors, so there isn't pressure to understand people's ailments to such a degree that we're picking products for them or promising that anything will work. Actually, in a lot of cases, I'm just there to investigate with customers, and/or read and compare labels. Overall, there is just a whole lot less pressure and anxiety, with this job, since we don't see enough customers to get socially burnt out, and in our down time we can really focus on what we're doing and go at a pace that works for us. I can stop and smell the flowers, again. Sit down (yes, sit!) at our computer and just learn about products, because it is my job to know what we have and how it works. I can pick an essential oil for the diffuser, or help people try out make-up. XD Also, we get a ton of samples. I have more CBD than I will ever need, and now have all these facial serums and creams in my bathroom. XD I'm taking vitamins now that I wasn't before. I bought a scar serum that seems to be working. My boss(es) have learned that I have occasional flare-ups with my IBS so they are ordering in a probiotic and an enzyme for me to try. It warms my heart! I love both of them. Of course, I knew them more casually since we have worked in the same store for a while, but being under their wing is really a cozy place.

Now, the holidays have begun, and the departments that I used to be in are bracing themselves, but not us. I mean, we have an obligatory black-out period with the schedule, but we're not expected to experience a huge influx, even while our products are a lot of things that could be lovely gifts. ;) Supposedly, we are just going to support other departments, when we can. 

Do I sound relaxed? I am feeling quite relaxed.

When the pace of my work life changed, so did off-the-clock life. My body is not totally wrecked after even a long day in Wellness. My brain is not experiencing whiplash when I clock in and out, because it is not overburdened or over-stimulated. I wouldn't say my work is super exciting all the time, or even what I want to do indefinitely, but while I'm there I still feel like it's my life, that I'm in my body, can continue to be aware how I feel, and to think about things I was thinking about before I clocked in. This has been huge. I feel in control and like I'm getting enough rest, experiencing enough stability that taking care of myself is easier. 

I'm running out of time, here, so creative stuff will have to come later, but health-wise, I'm.. okay. I have been experiencing some intense burning here or there that concerns me, and the other day I was face-down in a sweat on the bathroom floor in abysmal intestinal pain and don't know why, but I swear to god, truly, I have had fewer constant issues, fewer migraines. A lot of my hair has fallen out, while I wait months and months to see a thyroid specialist, but last night when showering, a whole pile of hair *didn't* come out for once. Hm... I know it takes a while for our hair to react to what we do to our bodies, so maybe... well, I don't want to have premature hope. 

More later.
-J

Sometimes my muses get completely out of control, I've noticed, specifically when there's a much needed conversation to be had and a lot of built up reactions to recent events, thoughts, inclinations, etc. that are being either prompted, exposed, or extracted. It messes me up when I need the conversation to carry a certain vibe and end on a certain note, but can't quite get there, or WAY do not get there, because, say, Mischief threw a monkey wrench into the machine. (It's always him.)

I have written a total of six pages for Chapter 21, but now have begun to make notes about why the vibes of the two conversations had aren't what I want yet. So now before I can move on what else happens, I have to go back and edit! oy...

Hello~~~~, hello hello hello hello~~~~....

It is now Spring, and what can I say about that? That I'm happy? I suppose more accurately, I am not bothered by it. Not yet, anyway. I had sort of been craving a bit more light in the evenings, and a bit more warmth too, because there have been a lot of chilly, rainy days when I couldn't go out and walk. Get my cardio in, y'know? And with Spring weather, there is my chance again to find a bike to ride.

But as for lazy, housebound stuff, I've continued to read a lot, and I've seen maybe more films that I ever did last year combined. Which is great! I told myself often that I needed to get new things churning through my brain, and so, here we are.

With Sense and Sensibility finished, I'm onto deciding what my third Jane Austen book will be. I didn't like it as much as P&P, but didn't hate it either. T'was alright. And Alan Rickman... he was hot in the 1995 film.

Tonight, Rachel and I watch our 23rd Donald Sutherland film -- and it looks like a crackfic, called Apprentice to Murder. We've been warned against it, that it's bad even if we're watching for Don, but whatever. The same was said about Nothing Personal, yet it's one of my favorites. Some people just don't have the same brand of humor. Anyway, as ever before, I love him dearly and yet I do not know him. I have started to draw him and imitate him, absorb his essence. lol And nothing shall stop me. I even have a blog: http://dear-donald-sutherland.tumblr.com

What else am I doing? Eh, not much. No writing at all. And there just isn't room for Dodgson in my brain, with Don taking up all the space. He has stretched out far and wide and begun to do snow angels in there. Neup, Dodgson has no room. Sorry, Charles.

So, it has gone from mystery sore-throat, to probably a cold, to probably the flu "but maybe covid so probably should get covid tested."

I'm very disappointed. I haven't travelled since early 2019, but I take these stay-cas so I can get things done and just breathe for a little while, and the last one wasn't since last June, so it was very overdue, and I was looking forward to it a lot.

Granted, the days off that I took don't start until tomorrow, but I don't anticipate being better by tomorrow. Sleep was broken and miserable last night from head congestion, and I've had a second fever this evening, PLUS I just realized that I'm getting my period.

Whoopdy-freakin'-do.

So, honestly, what would you do in my situation?

Poll #26482

Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 3

View Respondents

View Answers

Make up for lost time by calling in sick a few times on the week I'm supposed to return
3 (100.0%)

Don't call in sick, just accept fate
0 (0.0%)

The responsible adult in me and the selfish childish Slytherin in me are already battling.

Ughhhh. ugh ugh ugh.

Hiiii....

So, good news: I just did my last work day of the year and am now on a stay-ca until after Jan. 2nd-ish. Huzzah.

Bad news: I didn't make it through in one piece. I have either contracted a cold or seriously somehow thrashed my voice just by having to talk more loudly yesterday because the store was so busy. I lean towards thinking it's a cold, because I do not understand how my throat would hurt this bad throughout the entire night, to such a degree that I had to get up and take Tylenol to sooth the pain.

Hopefully it's just an absurd thrashing, and not a cold, and not covid, because if it's either of the latter two when I'm trying to enjoy my stay-ca, I'm going to be PISSED and ask for a redo. lol I NEED to be well during this time. Things need to be done.

☆ Namely, a proper cleaning and purge of the apartment. I've decided it's time for some old shit that I've hoarded to be cleared out. And no more ADHD piles - not of paper, art supplies, or shoes.

Yes, I think maybe I have had adult ADHD for a while. A lot of dysfunction in my personal life seems to come from things that describe this condition. A friend I have in the medical field (my former UO roommate, Kristen!) says she has it as well, and was explaining medication options to me, and she said that even upping my Wellbutrin could help with ADHD symptoms, which are likely brought about by my depression/anxiety. I do not have hyperactivity, just attention and memory issues.

☆ Another thing that needs to get done is... some more planning of future projects. 

~ ~ ~

A bit of that has been getting done already. There is a master to-do list for the Wonderland AU series, and another file I'm working on that will list all of the main stories it will contain. AND there is also a lengthy plot description being drafted for one of those main stories (the introduction of Dodgson!) 

In preparation, I have been re-reading In the Shadow of the Dreamchild, and it is rather amazing that the caricature of Dodgson that endures to this day has not actually strayed so far from the impression of him that I got from this book. I was concerned that I had turned him into something else, but... no... this feisty, finicky man of such duel-nature is right there in the pages. 

Also in preparation, I've continued reading Jenna and I's chat logs. Every time I'm there reading, it feels like it's that time again, and my heart feels full again while simultaneously aching. Such a pain, this heart of mine. The logs continue to affirm my memory, just as Dreamchild does. Two bosom friends, who are both clever and passionate, bouncing ideas off each other all the time, and opening up about personal things. I notice that my anxiety was not as bad back then, and I had a healthy handle on how to deal with assholes or less than favorable situations. When we weren't joking about Rabbit's adorable fuzzy bunny butt, or talking about the things I was learning about Max Schreck, or discussing the drama going on in her family, we were repeatedly coming back to the idea of enduring importance of passions and friendships, to us. Neither of us could understand why online friends just stopped checking in, or why people just suddenly were over things that had meant so much. It's ironic to read that, given that she ghosted me one day, 3+ years ago. I don't know what to make of it.

A part of me considers that perhaps she will show up one day, wanting to check in, if it really was a rock-bottom/self-hatred thing that kept her from doing it before.

Whether she does or not, drafting anything for this series has felt good and natural. It hasn't been difficult. I think they will be good stories, and I'm getting closer and closer to being ready to write them. 

~ ~ ~

Anyway, that's as far as I've gotten. Hopefully after the next ten days I will be all set up for 2022, for this project and others. For now, I need to take care of myself a little, and get ready to drop some things off at Good Will, and then go inside and see if I can find a good red scarf. Hatter needs it so he can do a short Christmas shoot tomorrow! *sigh* Today and tomorrow may also be my last chance to run errands, because the forecast says it'll be lots of freezing cold temperatures and snow! Luckily, I got all the food I need last night before I left work. WOULD NOT WANT TO STARVE DURING AN ICE STORM AGAIN LIKE LAST YEAR.  

Alrighty, take care now. Toodles.

-J

Only I will notice that after many years titling it "writing perspective"... it's now "creative perspective". Seemed appropriate!

Anyway, wow. Wow wow wow. 

I came blasting into 2021 from a writing canon and was soaring for quite some time. On the night of December 31st, 2020, I had finished a 19k word/62-page AIW fanfic called Rabbit and the Monkey Cups, and my heart was full. I loved the new directions I was taking these long-loved characters, the new sides I was imagining to them. Also, I was reminded that comedy is my favorite and most natural way of expression. 

Following that were a number of other AIW fanfic projects: Meant To Be (a Hatter & Hare origin story), which is something I spent ten years feeling too daunted to attempt and now here it is!; A Royal Affair, a super rando but fun Queenie/Hatter thing just to show what a trainwreck the pairing is; Of Specters and Spectacles, a Halloween themed story to which I wasn't really applying myself tbh; and some continuation of the very incomplete 25 Candles and a Mathematician. None of these was finished but they're off to good starts.

What was finished was a very special fic that I started in 20-fucking-12 called The Passion of the Hot-Tub, which broke all my records for AIW fanfic. At 30k words/104 pages, it's the longest, and to me it's just overall a better story than my previous favorite, Trying Tuesday. Love is given to characters who were being overlooked, shipping takes the back-burner, and despite that I wasn't pressuring myself to turn it into anything in particular so that an audience would like it better, it has a good plot and execution. So yeah, I'm happy! And it gives me hope that, hey, maybe an eBook compilation of AIW stories is possible.

ANYHOO

That was not the only type of writing that was being done this year. Oh, no.

A lot of ground was covered with CRYSTAL PALACE as well. At 65 pages, it's about half done. It's a totally different genre for me, and totally different type of prose, which only came about through experimentation. It feels like something not my own, or not expected from me. I'm excited about it and I do think it could be something published, as long as I stick to it. About halfway into the year, there was too much shit going on with me (the car, my health, my mental health), so not much has gotten done since then, but when I was working on it there was something special going on. My friend and mentor Richard K. was my reader every week, as I had promised him to make updates every week, every Wednesday night. For the most part, that promise was kept, and it was like our secret story. Also, he loved it, and that was really inspiring and motivating for me. Knowing he was invested in everything gave me more to invest in myself. 

Plus, all this cool art got made:
( Read more... )

Lastly, about this project, I was able to merge emotionally with the material. I think that's the point you must get to for the story to stand up out of the page and draw investment from its readers: when you have found real experience and emotion to inspire the scenes. At face value, it's a creepy story about an ice palace, about non-human characters, which seems very escapist. The insides, the guts of the story, however, are dripping with extremely familiar feelings: of confinement, abandonment, disillusionment, resentment... stemming from all the things that define your past and future. Richard told me that Akira's red tie reminds him of open veins, or an open wound. At all times, he unknowingly bears his anguish and weakness, his handicap even as this castle's prince. He just wants to find a crack in the walls in which he can ESCAPE, both physical confinement and the confinement of fate. I don't know about anyone else, but I feel that big time. 

Moving on!

The Hatter cosplay. Hooooly shit, the Hatter cosplay. I did it. In January, it was a thing in my diary, a dream that could only manifest through tedium and dedication, no possible shortcuts... and by October, it was real. Well, I don't need to say too much about it because it was documented here, and there are posts on tumblr that I'm making about how the pieces were created, but wow was it a testament to the power I have to make things happen. It was good for my self-esteem. I've come to realize I can do it if I break a project into smaller bites and stay focused, long term. I'm a tortoise, not a hare. The finish line has to be way, way out there, because my health will hold me back, and I'm beginning to suspect I have adult ADHD, but damnit I WILL REACH IT!

One of the things I think that helped was making lists. So many of the lists. And also, staying focused only on the step at hand, going one steady foot after the other. For example, back in May, I knew that I wouldn't be able to make Hatter's jacket until I learned 1.) how to put together a lapel and collar, 2.) the best method for me to get the measurement and pattern pieces right, 3.) how to do jacket lining, 4.) how to do coat-tails, etc. So the steps at the time were "learn about these things", and "make a practice garment". So a tiny suit jacket was made. xD Then a life-size garment was made, to check the fit. Having the room to just gradually figure things out and feel motivated by the success of the smaller projects is what got me to the finish line, ultimately. 

I will have to find a way to work like this with writing.

One new episode of Chit-Chat Snicky-Snack was made... which is... less than I would have hoped, but the project is overall not popular and not appealing to most AIW fans, and that kinda destroyed my motivation after a while. 

Also, I finished several Crazy Ex-Girlfriend sticker designs! And if I can just make a few more, there will be enough for a set to sell on Etsy or something. Unlike the AIW fandom, CXG fans seem to give a shit, so I think the stickers will be well received. It also helps that Vincent Rodriguez III (Josh Chan's actor) saw the one of him and fanboyed about it! It was so sweet; we had a whole moment together on instagram. 

~ ~ ~

Overall, a productive, ground-breaking year for me. I also fulfilled a lot of my personal goals, like to stay more hydrated, treat my skin better, seek out creative jobs (even though I didn't land any), connect with other writers, don't take no mess, and keep it funky. 

༻✦༺ 　༻✧༺　༻✦༺　༻✧༺　༻✦༺　༻✧༺　༻✦༺　༻✧༺　༻✦༺　༻✧༺　༻✦༺
✥ CRYSTAL PALACE has to be finished, or I'm jumping out a window. Hold me to it. Actually, not just the story: I want to build a website, too. Something all atmospheric and spooky.

I have been rather discouraged lately.

In the sense that, once again, it feels like no matter how I try to break free of stagnancy, I exert myself a lot without getting anywhere. In my eyes, this isn't madness, because I'm not trying the same things over again expecting different results... but it sure as shit feels like it.

I've spent an more time on Tumblr than I'd ever care to, and followed maybe 20-25 new blogs. I joined something like eight different discords, a couple for each topic (Phantom, Japanese, Disney, Alice)... and none is very active or engaging. I joined an Alice in Wonderland collection/trading group on FB.

During all of this, I realized that it's majority teenagers in these domains, so not people I'm wanting to be friends with, no offense to them. Though I accidentally called a teenager "hot" in a Phantom discord because they posted a picture of themselves covered head to toe in a costume and I honestly couldn't tell and was just trying to be complimentary... so that was awkward. Having minors around kind of feels like a field of landmines, and they're not relatable, and more and more the spaces I'm trying to interact in don't feel like they're "for me" anymore.

There was also a weird few hours I had at the tail end of my last weekend, when there had been so much silence and alienization after all those efforts that it kind of felt like I was not part of reality anymore. Even sticking my head out the front door to escape the dead-silent living room, the fresh air and sounds of activity in the nearby parking lot weren't reaching me in the same way. My friend said it sounded like her episodes of depersonalization, but it was not that extreme - just slightly jarring and hella depressing.

I don't think I'm going to get that job, either, since it's been... 18 days and I've not heard back. There have been some people who have been telling me to just "keep applying" to positions that are similar, and I was like "that was IT. That was the first time in years that I have seen something that fits me; there are no similar positions."

* * *

Anyway, I will see a neurologist soon to address my almost daily headaches/migraines. I'm 12% hopeful, but 88% preparing to hear that nobody knows why I'm having these, or that it's stress, and "perhaps therapy will slightly reduce the frequency of them, twenty years from now, if you manage to find a therapist you click with, and after spending all that money you don't have on appointments that would be often enough to be effective."

A therapist: "BTW, what is it that stresses you out, anyway?"

Me: *shrugs* "Being alive, apparently."

Therapist: "Oh, okay. have you tried... not?"

Me: "Have I tried dying?"

Therapist: "Oh wait, no, that's not what I meant. Well, what is it about being alive that's so stressful?"

Me: "These fucking migraines are what's stressful. And being alone so often, without close connections or a sense of belonging. Life is just not comprised of very meaningful experiences for me: it's mostly meh or unpleasant, unless I stir myself into a numbing enough obsession. Basically I have to try to not participate in reality as hard as I can, and retreat into my brain. There is still some magic and wonder in there."

Therapist: "Well have you tried... making close connections and belonging?"

Me: "..................................................................."

Therapist: *tilts head*

Me: "Yes, but the world does not seem to want me to have those things. People I want to connect with don't want to connect with me, or don't exist, and places where I would belong don't want me there, or don't exist. It seems like I won't find peace until I stop wanting or expecting those things to be happy. Like, if I could just find a way to contradict the human state of being, and not require closeness or meaning in what I do. Do you think that's possible?"

Therapist: "No."

Me: "Well unless you have a better idea... damnit, that's what I'm going to try."

Therapist: "Well maybe you're actually afraid of trying for those things. Maybe you are inhibited in some way, guarded." <-- what the last therapist I talked to was suspecting, based on very little knowledge about me

Me: "You're wrong. It's everyone and everything else that is inhibited, guarded, insecure, fickle... and highly mysterious."

So ALOOOOOONEEEEEEEE

Why I must be, nobody's suuuuuuure

I reach and I reach, but nobody reaches back, yeah, nobody reaches backkkk

sdfklajsfkjsdflkjalskfdjaksd

So I was hoping that there would be more of a feeling of closure by now, with Halloween past and the sewing part of my costume project finished (besides an adjustment to the lining of the jacket... which I'll worry about down the line. No one can see it.) 

Instead, I feel like I am a ghost haunting a sewing house. Does that make sense?

I think it's because I applied for that job. That, and a lingering feeling of emptiness in place of the passionate/obsessive work I was doing. But definitely because of that job I applied for. We are able to check the status of our applications, which is cool, and mine was recorded as passing all mandatory requirements, which includes having advanced sewing knowledge. This is great news! But now I'm starting to think ahead, like "what if they ask me to do ___ and I don't know, or I just have to guess?" "What if it becomes apparent that I can't get my machine to make a button-hole? It would be embarrassing and disappointing if it turned out my "advanced sewing knowledge" had too many holes in it, so there is an understandable restlessness I'm feeling, to make sure I have tried my very best to be prepared and qualify for this position. I really want it. 

The restlessness is interfering with my original intentions of getting back to CRYSTAL PALACE, however, so there is also an understandable feeling of "...well??? Aren't you coming back to this?!"

It seems to me that following the restlessness in this case is actually wise, though. This position could really change my life (I like to think), point me in the right direction, shake things up, and make me grow. Did I think I'd be climbing the creative ladder from this side? Costumes? No. But it feels right, and it's important that I take a new direction if I want to end up happy and fulfilled. 

CRYSTAL PALACE can wait. It already has waited.

And one thing I've learned this year is that to become better at something, you have to admit you're not very good yet! I've been writing a long time, but I'm so, so stuck in both of my long projects. Maybe that I means I need to, you know, study writing the same way I studied sewing. I haven't studied effective storytelling since I was at UO, and that just seems sad and complacent. 

Whenever people feel they are in some kind of creative drought, I like to say that they are just in a certain part of a cycle. We create, and we also consume. Sometimes when we enter a period where we can't seem to create, it means we should be consuming: new interests, stories, activities, experiences. These things change the atmospheres in our heads, trigger new passions, sometimes bring about epiphanies for how to go about things that were stumping us before. Denying that part of the inspiration cycle is like expecting to be awake 24-hours a day. Nah... we need those Zzzz's... Pick up a cool book, learn about ____, explore other people's creations. 

I'm definitely in a creation period, but I think maybe I'm expecting too much creation. There really should be some consumption here that will prepare me for what else I want to do. Like finishing both my manuscripts. Like sewing for other cosplays.

I say, why not? Read about writing, watch more sewing tutorials.

It'd be useful to learn how to make gloves. 

Yeah, I say follow the restlessness and don't see it as a haunted sewing house. I can turn the light on in here. Hopefully next time I write in this journal there will be an update on the application status. 

*sigh*

Hello hello helloooo...

I had a feeling that once this costume was finished, I was going to feel a gaping hole in its place, and I do, even though I mustn't. There are so many directions to go from here, it was just nice being so obsessed with something. It kept me so occupied, busy, and learning -- plus it boosted my self esteem. Making costumes is a lot of fun.

But those directions I'm talking about: the ones that I should go, I'm dragging my feet about. The ones I shouldn't, I'm more inclined.

Hatter's very first cosplay video was shot last week on this day, and edited a couple nights ago. Most of the footage was bloopers because I was flying by the seat of my pants, but it's so surprising and fun how fleshed out this became in post-production! lol



It'd be so fun to do more stuff like this, show him off, come up with more shenanigans, episode reenactment, build props for him (like his boysenberry phone). My friends seem to like it, too.

John also saw a photo I posted. He wrote "wowza!! and brava!!" and then was gone. Back right into the blue from which he came! Silly man. He's so busy, I know that if he really didn't like it, he would have just scrolled on and pretended not to have seen, so he must have liked it! I tagged him for the video, and I just pray he laughs. Laughter is one of the few things I can give back to him, after all his character (and he too on occasion) has given to me.

~ ~ ~

Anyway, the work week was plagued with migraines, so I took this weekend just to recuperate and didn't do much else. I took a nice, long bath with a cinnamon apple bubble bar. Last night, I had a restless little nap and woke up feeling exanimate. Didn't know who to talk to who would make me feel less alone, or stimulated. I hate when that happens.

Seems every time the holidays roll around, I want to whip out and replay Paper Mario, and sometimes also PM2: The Thousand Year Door. It's such feel-good nostalgia. And now I have memories of replaying it during the holidays which are also pleasant.

In general, I've felt this need while resting around this weekend to pick up things that I enjoyed once upon a time, to see if that same feeling would come back. Like, I remember when I was home on Winter Break in 2012 -- which jfc feels like it could be yesterday -- I would read another couple chapters of In the Shadow of the Dream Child, a Charles Dodgson biography. It was a fascinating read. Then later, I would go download more episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway? using the clubhouse internet, then watch them with Jenna. Man, we loved that show. lol It was the perfect way to wind down. Then before I knew it Greg Proops was a character in our AU?!

A part of me thought of picking up that book just to return to that headspace... or rather, see if that headspace was still nestled between pages that have not been turned since that time.

Don't really understand why I want that time back so much. It was stressful in its own right, and there were many things I did without that I have now. I also don't know why I get all these migraines, but doc has finally been more useful and referred me to a neurologist, so we'll see.

Somehow, it is an iconic day for me...

I always think back to a quote from HT. Let me go dig it up:

I sat up in bed, did some less than coordinated stretching, and started to recall random fragments of the night: Rocky Horror music, eyeballs, Twix, and running at top speed... What about the figure in the yard? I got up and looked out the window again. It was the same sight as always, only now it was November 1st, and everything was drenched in rain.

*looks out the window* Yes, everything IS drenched in rain. But Halloween was nothing special or interesting. I was at work. 

Still, it's a very transitory day, where I "wake up" from the tunnel vision of October, in which I was scrambling to make a costume, or trying my best to soak in the spirit of the month while it lasted. Okay, so, November 1st. Now what? There is less to grab onto, that helps define the experience I'm having, or that informs the direction in which I should go. It's almost too much freedom all of a sudden. Will the rain hinder me, physically or in spirit? Who am I?

Kidding. lol But yes, it's very much that sort of tune. I'll need a moment to find my grip and start climbing something new, or something else. I actually love November. It's atmospheric in its own right, lots of cozy things. In just a couple days, on the 3rd, it will be the tenth anniversary of being introduced to Nosferatu, the film that changed my trajectory as a student, inspired my first cosplay, and also inspired the start of a TV mini-series. Whoops - never even sort of finished that. 

Perhaps I could see November as the month of Nosferatu. So then, what does that mean it's about? Embracing the cold, drawing inspiration from the night, keeping my curtains open so that I can peer out the window. Deciding what is beautiful about the grotesque. Stringing together poetry of monstrosities. Thinking about how a work might give one experiencing it a hypnotic, even addictive, sense of dread. Stimmung. Which, when I think about it, has been set up pretty well in CRYSTAL PALACE, which from henceforth I'll write in all caps because it just seems more fitting. 

I think there is something within HT, even though I'm not planning to write it soon, that still applies. What begins on November 1st for Lily, my narrator? A game between her and Mischief. Poking and prodding of the other. Finding that attraction/fascination alone can send her off the rails. Risks. Inviting the monsters nearer. 

*shrugs* Dunno why I'm writing this entry in such a way, but there it is. Food for thought. Snacks for meditation. 

 Just checking in, I suppose.

The pants are done. The whole costume is about 96% done, the hat just needs a bit of surgery so that it isn't so tight... Also, I wanted to do some last minute adjustments to the tuxedo shirt: namely, to attach elastic between the legs, like a leotard, so it will stop bunching up. It bunches SO RIDICULOUSLY, every five seconds, so high, no matter how I tuck it in or what I put over it. Also, was realizing my cuffs are not as long as Hatter's, so they don't peek out of the jacket sleeves much at all, unless I really yank 'em out. I might make add-on cuffs that can work as extensions of the shirt's real cuffs. 

Anyway, it feels amazing to have come to this point, and with so much support. A couple of my friends, Rachel and Allison, also helped "fund" the project:: meaning, they actually gave me money to help pay for the fabric, since it wasn't cheap, oh no no no... Rachel sent me $50, and Allison sent $75. Imagine my shock, awe, and gratitude! For this reason, I consider them my patrons and have been sending both extra updates about costume construction, with photos! I was in the costume last weekend, too, despite not having pants yet, so I was taking pantsless photos and sending them. XDDD It was a lot of fun... and an in-character thing to do.

Here are some instagram story photos.

  

~ ~ ~

The costume will definitely be used in the coming months, and uses will be devised, but I find myself looking forward. My nose has been so crammed in the sewing machine, which I have enjoyed and all, but I think I'm ready to jam it into something else. I definitely feel the urge to write. Hell, I started a painting! I also started a Halloween-themed AIW fic, which I forbid myself to let drag on, so it's gonna be short. I promise myself. 

I find myself losing focus, so for now I say... toodles!

-J