Yesterday was not so bad for a while, while we're on the subject. When it got dark out, I got lonely and down again, but earlier I was writing for a couple hours, listening to a little bit of music, and then cloudsinvenice and I had a FB chat. You have no idea what encouragement that was! You go weeks... months?... without talking to people about your ideas. Then my friend Fritz was on and we complained about the economy together. All the while, my boss was being the nicest boss imaginable and trying to help me find plane tickets to attend my grandma's funeral (on Saturday) last minute, with the financial aid of the company. For real, the owner at my work was going to help me pay to go. There ended up to be too much struggle involved because of how early the funeral was and the other plans they had. I would have had to take like a $400 round trip while being on the plane eight hours total, which is twice as long as usual), and getting there a day in advance, so I'd miss two work days for both of my jobs. My mom said she didn't think she would go through with it if she were me. I feel frustrated that we, the Oregonions in this family, seem to miss out on half of everything the family does. They are having all these meaningful experiences with each other and I'm stuck up here, as usual. I have to be responsible, I felt like. Sometimes it's my tips that keep me out of the red, as far as I'm concerned, so I just couldn't shave any more hours off my week.

Only when I least expected it, when I had lost myself to an entire afternoon of retrospection, would Mariam cluster-text me about wanting to know what happened. I called, but she sent it straight to voicemail! “We were out at the farm,” she wrote. I knew right away what she was talking about: the last two years her family went on a two hour drive to get vegetables and homemade bread – I'd even had the fortune of coming along. I knew she was having fun there, riding the horses with her younger brother, having stew at the inn. “Text me all about it and ill answer when I can,” she said, “im just in the car coming back,” but I couldn't.
“Not through text.”
“please! anything!!”
“Call me when you get home.”
“when i get home im gonna shower because im gross and then im gonna hibernate”
“Mariammm, this is serious!”
“write it on LJ! i know its serious, i wanna hear! ill read it when i can”
“I'm not writing on LJ, I'm not telling anyone but you and Giry.”
“who the fuck is giry”
“Paulina.”
“uhh,” she wrote, and I face-palmed, too exasperated to even compose a message, but she answered again. “wait a min, paulina knows already?!!!”
“She answered her goddamn phone!”
“geeeez ill see what I can do, jesus"

Well, work today, two times. I haven't gotten any groceries in like... forever. We don't even have SUGAR. I've got to find my food handler's and other documents before orientation for my second job tomorrow. I've neglected to fold the laundry. I should have washed my hair yesterday, but hoping nobody notices.

♥, J