Honestly, I think the Phantom is annoying and confusing me just as much as he is Lily. It's difficult trying to imagine what would keep her so locked on him when he's done nothing but be a creepy jerk and order her to do things that don't seem to make any sense, even if I'm deciding under wraps what it was supposed to mean.

I'm just not a romance writer. I have to make them closer and yet my real passion lies in having them fight and not understand each other and have perplexing conversations that sort of go in circles when I think about it. Really. Why do the readers put up with me? I'm just perpetuating bullshit faux-mysteriousness and it's getting old after one hundred and fifty pages.

I have to have them get closer during this whole "holiday" business, but how does that really go about? Is he just supposed to shower her with gifts and then suddenly afterward she's madly in love? She would never admit she was in love. It took her eons just to admit that she even had a crush on him. ( spoiler ) I don't know... maybe I should spend some time focusing on Mariam and Jeffrey and Lily's school life sprinkled with a little bullying and meeting someone new and it will put less emphasis on my crappy romance skills as the whole getting-even-closer-to-phantom thing happens. That seems to make sense.

I'd like this to be a period where the Phantom seems to be acting like he really cares instead of trying to be scary... since he's gotten a few things out of his system.

Blehghegheghgh... For some reason I just don't have faith in myself to pull off what should be done... what would make it a good story... with twists and turns and complexity and some kind of sense, even the Phantom doesn't make sense. Just because I have a nonsensical character is no reason to think I can be lazy with the structure of the story. It's really this underestimating virus that has poisoned my writing inspiration. I don't think I can do it. Therefore I don't try. It's gotta stop but I don't know how. I wish I could prove to myself that I could write this.