Our new assistant manager gave me a pretty wishy-washy response when I came to tell her about my flexibility as far as which hours to cut from my schedule. That's like my light at the end of the tunnel, now: seeing that my request has been granted and I can put the art commission plan into practice. (If I'm smart, I'll start taking names and contact info now and put them on a waiting list.) But yeah, pretty wishy-washy. I can't entirely blame her, since the universe seems to be conspiring against me, and we have unexpectedly lost two members of our department in a week, but when she tells me to be patient while she figures it out she has no idea that I've been patient about schedule requests for half a year now. I was asking our old assistant manager to give me a different station for months, with no change. I have been making complaints even to HR, for months, about issues in our department that continue to be unresolved. It just honestly feels like we will be knee-deep in a fuckfest until the end of time, at this rate. As far as I'm concerned, there's holes in the schedule no matter what. Grant the request of your employee who's been with the company a while and works hard, then figure it out. You want to avoid people not being happy about their schedule, here's your actual chance.
Blah. Frankly, I'm just kind of derping off at work. Every time I close on Wednesdays, the openers have done a shitty job so instead of telling useless management I steal one of the cooks for ten minutes, who is gracious enough to help me get my shit together. I'm cutting corners now, since I have seen time and time again that my level of care was 10x more than anyone noticed, so why bother? There are things I do ritualistically that were suggested in my review, meaning I wasn't given credit for it, meaning I wasn't given a raise that reflected all I do, so I'm not bothering to do it much anymore. Nobody notices when I take 15min breaks that last 25, so I slip in and out. As long as I look like I've got something to do, in a grocery store, they can't tell the difference. In a way, I'm taking advantage of the kindness and flexibility of this company, since at my last job you may only get 10 minutes during a 6-7hr shift, and they monitored us relentlessly. They would guilt you for asking to take a lunch like the law required. At my last job you were guilty until proven innocent. I know what is good about this job, but damnit, I'm just so tired. I'm too tired to give my all anymore. They've proven so completely that 50% will do just fine.
Ayayay.
Along those things, I keep thinking lately that I want to be young (~20ish) again.
And with that, stupid and nervous and confused and unable to read people the way I can now, and unable to always speak up, etc. etc. No doubt I've gained a lot with age, but the thing I miss and desire about being younger is not being jaded and hopeless and cynical about my life, like this. A lot of people want to be young again, sure, but that's my reason for it. I miss thinking that the world is a big exciting place to explore, that people can be magical, that it's possible to work on a dozen projects at once, that some of them will amount to something, that I will go somewhere instead of steep in stale drudgery. This is the stalest drudgery ever. There's not even drama at my work. lmao Which is good, but like-- well, I don't know how to describe the disappointment in that. It's like being in a "safe" relationship with someone who's reasonable, financially stable, your parents love them, you cannot fault them, but the passion is nonexistent. You're benefiting too much to break up and realize how rare their attributes are, but...
Again, I really am living younger me's nightmare, something she never thought would be her life right now. And I suppose I haven't reconciled with it or been able to believe what other people still believe about me: that I am not old or hopeless, that life is as vast ahead of me and filled with possibilities as it was when I was 20. "It just depends on your attitude"~~, Yeah yeah, I get that. It just doesn't sink in. When I was 20, I didn't have depression yet, I wasn't turned down over and over, by jobs, by people. I hadn't had so many experiences pile up of feeling insignificant. I didn't know how nasty people could be; I thought falling in love sounded nice. PAH
I guess this is a small scale version of honoring the innocence of children -- pining for the hopefulness of adolescence. lol
I mean at this rate, I don't think I'll ever have a job in my field (any significant ability to use my talents and passions and be recognized for it, move up a creative ladder, have a hand in significant works, make my own movies, like I had planned.)
I don't think I'll ever own a house (financial independence, control over my surroundings, having land, being able to look out a window and not see a parking lot.)
I don't think I'll ever be married or have a significant other.
I'm not really as bothered by being single though, tbh -- like I really have realized how abnormally dependent I am on extended amounts of alone time, I'm basically asexual, and again: people... on the whole they have let me down. I'm sure my idea of a happy partnership was just a fantasy all along anyway.
BUT! You know... I just miss not thinking this way, even if I was going to be wrong. Does that make any sense? Quality of life was there, I got a lot more done, a lot more interesting things did happen because I was curious and ambitious. Being wrong was just a tiny little footnote at the end of those memories.
I also did not think that I would have two best friends that went from being THE most important person in my life to just people who just fade away with no apparent energy to reach out to you-- wow, this is just jumping from one depressing thing to the next, isn't it? How long before Tomoko can't stand me? lol
Aye. Anyway. This time could have been spent improving myself (kanji study), doing something that made me smile (drawing), doing something that improved my outlook (plotting so I could write over the weekend, meditating), but no, I just wanted to sit here sulking.
Good job, Jennifer.
Blah. Frankly, I'm just kind of derping off at work. Every time I close on Wednesdays, the openers have done a shitty job so instead of telling useless management I steal one of the cooks for ten minutes, who is gracious enough to help me get my shit together. I'm cutting corners now, since I have seen time and time again that my level of care was 10x more than anyone noticed, so why bother? There are things I do ritualistically that were suggested in my review, meaning I wasn't given credit for it, meaning I wasn't given a raise that reflected all I do, so I'm not bothering to do it much anymore. Nobody notices when I take 15min breaks that last 25, so I slip in and out. As long as I look like I've got something to do, in a grocery store, they can't tell the difference. In a way, I'm taking advantage of the kindness and flexibility of this company, since at my last job you may only get 10 minutes during a 6-7hr shift, and they monitored us relentlessly. They would guilt you for asking to take a lunch like the law required. At my last job you were guilty until proven innocent. I know what is good about this job, but damnit, I'm just so tired. I'm too tired to give my all anymore. They've proven so completely that 50% will do just fine.
Ayayay.
Along those things, I keep thinking lately that I want to be young (~20ish) again.
And with that, stupid and nervous and confused and unable to read people the way I can now, and unable to always speak up, etc. etc. No doubt I've gained a lot with age, but the thing I miss and desire about being younger is not being jaded and hopeless and cynical about my life, like this. A lot of people want to be young again, sure, but that's my reason for it. I miss thinking that the world is a big exciting place to explore, that people can be magical, that it's possible to work on a dozen projects at once, that some of them will amount to something, that I will go somewhere instead of steep in stale drudgery. This is the stalest drudgery ever. There's not even drama at my work. lmao Which is good, but like-- well, I don't know how to describe the disappointment in that. It's like being in a "safe" relationship with someone who's reasonable, financially stable, your parents love them, you cannot fault them, but the passion is nonexistent. You're benefiting too much to break up and realize how rare their attributes are, but...
Again, I really am living younger me's nightmare, something she never thought would be her life right now. And I suppose I haven't reconciled with it or been able to believe what other people still believe about me: that I am not old or hopeless, that life is as vast ahead of me and filled with possibilities as it was when I was 20. "It just depends on your attitude"~~, Yeah yeah, I get that. It just doesn't sink in. When I was 20, I didn't have depression yet, I wasn't turned down over and over, by jobs, by people. I hadn't had so many experiences pile up of feeling insignificant. I didn't know how nasty people could be; I thought falling in love sounded nice. PAH
I guess this is a small scale version of honoring the innocence of children -- pining for the hopefulness of adolescence. lol
I mean at this rate, I don't think I'll ever have a job in my field (any significant ability to use my talents and passions and be recognized for it, move up a creative ladder, have a hand in significant works, make my own movies, like I had planned.)
I don't think I'll ever own a house (financial independence, control over my surroundings, having land, being able to look out a window and not see a parking lot.)
I don't think I'll ever be married or have a significant other.
I'm not really as bothered by being single though, tbh -- like I really have realized how abnormally dependent I am on extended amounts of alone time, I'm basically asexual, and again: people... on the whole they have let me down. I'm sure my idea of a happy partnership was just a fantasy all along anyway.
BUT! You know... I just miss not thinking this way, even if I was going to be wrong. Does that make any sense? Quality of life was there, I got a lot more done, a lot more interesting things did happen because I was curious and ambitious. Being wrong was just a tiny little footnote at the end of those memories.
I also did not think that I would have two best friends that went from being THE most important person in my life to just people who just fade away with no apparent energy to reach out to you-- wow, this is just jumping from one depressing thing to the next, isn't it? How long before Tomoko can't stand me? lol
Aye. Anyway. This time could have been spent improving myself (kanji study), doing something that made me smile (drawing), doing something that improved my outlook (plotting so I could write over the weekend, meditating), but no, I just wanted to sit here sulking.
Good job, Jennifer.
Current Mood: 
moody
moody2 comments | Leave a comment