Kate and I finally named "Pregnant Hatter"! It's called "He's Having My Baby" based on the phrase "She's Having My Baby". (AIW usually has episode titles that are pun-y so we thought it was appropriate.)

This is probably my favorite part so far, because even though it's a comedy and it has its language, we sort of felt we were doing well at incorporating the format of the show and thought throwing Alice in there was a cute choice. We originally didn't even much feel like doing it last night but everything just poured out our fingers.

Anywayyyy... Here ya go.

He's Having My Baby
Part 3

It was 1:30 AM and Hatter was dragging himself out his bedroom door. It was obvious he didn't feel very good, yet he persisted to the kitchen and opened the freezer. The moment he saw the fun bubbly letters of "Chocolate Peanut-Butter" on the side of the ice cream bucket, he remembered how important this was. He pulled out a spoon from seemingly nowhere and started scooping it into his mouth, rolling his eyes back in euphoria. "Aghgh..." He uttered as the chocolate creamy goodness swept over the hot crevices in his mouth. Thank God he had gotten up...

Oh Godddd... this was so good....
Better than it had ever been before...

He hobbled over to the nearest stool and continued to stuff his face. However, the spoon-to-bucket movement gradually slowed as he caught sight of a familiar picture of Hare on his fridge door. His eyes dropped to his...growth. It had suddenly dawned on him what had changed in those past 24 hours.
 

The simple care-free life he led had reached its concluding chapter. Now he had to raise Hare's child. Or probably Hare's at least. Whoever's child it was, he was not just Hatter anymore, he was Mommy Hatter. He had never prepared for this kind of responsibility before. He thought the whole point of Wonderland was that you could shirk all obligations and do whatever the fuck you wanted until you accidentally died doing something exciting like driving off a cliff, or, or drug overdose.

No more late-night tea parties... he thought.
No more bungee jumping, no more strip poker, no more dangerous Mythbusters stunts.... oh Adam...one of his heroes...

The second time he looked down to his tummy, he could have sworn he felt something resembling animosity. He sighed deeply and ate some more ice cream before returning to bed.

The next morning he was seen hovering over the tea table, yanking off cups and plates and dropping them into a tub in his other arm.

Suddenly the fucking Cheshire cat appeared.

“Why hello..... Hatter."

He chose not to respond.

The Cheshire Cat scrunched his face up in confusion, an emotion not often felt by the strangely-colored feline.
“Why, Hatter, cat got your tongue?" Hatter stopped what he was doing and looked at Cheshire Cat with the utmost contempt, as if he was the most annoying thing that could possibly happen to him right at that moment.



"Shut the fuck up, Cat! I don't have time for your platitudes!"

“What do you mean you don't have the time? What else do you do besides have tea parties with Hare and watch the Hat Channel?"

Hatter turned back to his work. "None of your beeswax. Now piss off before I decide to euthanize you."

Cheshire Cat decided to try a different tack. "Here's another platitude for you, Hatterrrrr: Did a bug crawl up your ass and die?"

Hatter had had about enough of the conniving little shit. He didn't even try to contain his irritation at this point. "No. A bug crawled up my ass and lived," he answered cryptically. "And I seriously wasn't kidding about the putting-you-to-sleep-thing." The cat put up his paws in a sort of surrender and disappeared without a trace. "Nosey little twat," Hatter muttered.

As if the entire world was against him that day, who was to arrive next but the baby-daddy himself?

Hare tented his fingers and his nose quivered. He had obviously come for a specific reason, but Hatter continued on ignoring his presence. His cold shoulder didn't seem to bother the Hare all that much. "Hatter, d-don't you think that you should get an ultrasound or something? Perhaps take some folic acid? I don't know."

Hatter pursed his lips. "Hare, you can't be serious. This thing could pop out at any time! Damn your short-ass gestation periods! And, most importantly of all, fuck you!"

Hare put Hatter's mood down to hormones. "All right. We don't have to. Um..." he quickly went over a mental list of what you were supposed to do with pregnant women. "Steel Magnolias is on in five minutes. Maybe we can sit down and watch that and pretend that our lives aren't ruined."

Rolling his eyes, Hatter scoffed, "You're a real winner, Hare. NOT." Before they had a chance to fall into fisticuffs, Alice sneaked up behind them.

"Hi," she said shortly, startling them. Hatter had his hand clutched over his heart. "I think I know what's really going on."

Hatter quickly set down the tub of tableware that he had been balancing on Hare's baby and stared at her with an open mouth. Hare did nearly the same.

"H-Hi Alice," Hare began. "Okay, you caught us. We were going to hide the dishes today to see if anybody'd ask." Alice scooped her bottom lip into her teeth and slowly shook her head. She truthfully had no godamn idea why Hatter had been putting all the stuff away. As the two men were still standing in their respective places with peculiarly straight posture, she strolled to a chair.

"Anyway... I just wanted to say that I overheard that you were having a baby, Mr. Hatter, and I for one completely support it. I'm okay with your lifestyle." She nodded a bit. Then added shortly after, "actually I wouldn't have guessed any different!"

Hatter and Hare turned to each other with looks of horror.

"H-Hatter's not pregnant!" Hare approached her with open arms, although he would've preferred just to shake her. "Where did you get such an idea?"

Alice's eyes accidentally landed on Hatter's mid section. "What, that little stomach problem he's having?! ...Oh Alice... I know it looks like when a Mommy is pregnant, but Hatter's a man, and as you've hopefully learned in school, men can't get pregnant." Hare nodded like he had said just the right thing. Hatter just scrunched his brow together even more.

"But you said it yourself! I was there yesterday! I thought it was pretty obvious I overheard, what with your talk of whose genes the baby was gonna get and all that..."

Hare's vibrant smile flopped downwards. He looked to Hatter again, wondering if there was any other way to insist this was a misunderstanding.

“Okay look, I'm fucking pregnant. I don't know why, I don't know how, but if word gets out around Wonderland, I'm going to be humiliated for the rest of my life."

"If word gets out?" Alice asked, her face filled with puzzlement. "You can't keep the baby in there forever. If you ever want to see your friends again, they're going to have to discover that you're a parent, Mr. Hatter."

"Why don't you shut up." He uttered pointedly.

"She has a point, Hatter..." Hare muttered. "We just want what's best for you." He continued. Alice voiced sounds of agreement.

"Besides, why wouldn't you think they'd be happy for you?" She asked.
“I don't know, because then they'd know I'm gay? And stuff? And that I'm biologically capable of having children? Oh yeah, that won't ruin my thunder."

"Why is it that you're worried about this and I think our friends will still love us no matter what?" Hare wondered aloud.

Hatter rolled his head around like that was the most obvious question evar. "Becauseeeee. You're the one that did the knocking up. Trust me: nobody thought you had it in you." Hare tensed his shoulders in offense before Hatter continued. "Besides, it's not a matter of whether or not they'll still love me..." Hare and Alice gathered closer to him as he slumped into a chair. "I just... well let's face it.... I won't be the Mad Hatter anymore...." Nothing at all about how he said that sounded angry or even slightly kidding. It was purely solemn. His companions were at a loss of words. The expressions on Hare and Alice's faces became sympathetic. Alice sat next to Hatter and patted him on the back in comfort.

"Mr. Hatter, just because you're going to be a dad— mom—parent, doesn't mean you can't be the Mad Hatter anymore," she looked over at Hare as if saying "Get your ass over here and start buttering this mother (no pun intended) up."

Hare caught on quickly. "She's right, Hatter. Just because there's going to be a new baby doesn't mean we still don't love you."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Wrong moral."

Hare looked on sheepishly but continued. "I mean, even though your penis is being negated doesn't mean everyone is going to hate you. Besides, it's not like they have room to talk. The Tweedles wear outfits that make MC Hammer look like Mr. T. The White Rabbit skates around like a poncey fruit loop. What I'm trying to say is...we all have a little gay in us."

Out of seemingly nowhere, 90s synthesizer music begins to play. Alice and Hare hop up and dance around a little bit.

"You want to hide behind lies and/you don't think they'll understand/but we're all versed in the ways of Streisand," Hare crooned, do-si-doing around Hatter who looks on with an unreadable expression.

"Right here in gay, old Wonderland," Alice and Hare chorused, complete with jazz hands.

"It is just our luck/No one gives a fuck/If we wanna suck, we suck...Right here in gay, old Wonderland!"

“Mr. Hatter, don't be shy/Everyone here is at least bi/You just really gotta try," Alice sang. "To let your inner-homo fly!"

"Right here in gay, old Wonderland," they sang in unison one last time before the song came to an abrupt end.



Hatter's spirits didn't seem to be even slightly lifted. "All right, so Wonderland is pretty gay, but I'm still fucking pregnant."

"Well, you know, I learned in school that male seahorses are the ones that carry the babies," Alice offered.

Hatter rubbed his face with the heels of his hands. "Seahorses, huh? Thank you, Alice. I feel so much better about my lot in life." Unexpectedly, Hare began to fume.

"I've had about enough of your whiny foolishness!” He screeched. "For fuuuuuucks sake, we've done like 10 episodes on making the best of things! Haven't you learned?!" Hare flailed his arms about.

"Well sure we have! But none of these lessons apply to me! I have real problems here."

Hare's brow nearly fell over his eyes. "I'm really starting to see a side of you that I don't know." Alice, meanwhile, had no idea how to intervene. “As soon as stuff really gets tough... you're just gonna blow off your best friend and be a whiny, pessimistic dick to everyone? Even people who want to make you feel better, like Alice here." He caught Alice's shoulders in his hands and emphasized the innocent girl in front of him.
There was a brief thoughtful silence. Hatter patted his tummy a little and wet his lips.

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Well! Then maybe we aren't going to talk to you anymore! Maybe you'll just have to learn the hard way!" Hare threatened, with some itching discomfort in the idea of not being around Hatter while he was carrying his little twatwaffle. Or... cockwaffle. Whatever it was.

"Fine. I don't need you anyway, you're the one that did this to me. Some nerve you have." Hatter scrambled up from the chair and yanked the tub of swishing dish ware with him towards the "in" door of his house. Hare glared. Once he had disappeared, Hare's shoulders slumped and he wandered near the fence sighing audibly. Alice approached him gingerly and patted his forearm.

"You tried your best..." She assured. "And you did the right thing. So in a way... you're already a great daddy. :3"

She sent a big smile up to him and he couldn't help but flicker one of his own.

"...You wanna come by my house and get tea?"

"I'd love to." She replied surely.

So off they went, though Hare glanced back just once to the large hat-shaped house.