This part turned out just adorable. My favorite scene is when Hatter and Hare are snuggled up in bed arguing about a color to paint the nursery, and Hatter has a candy cigarette.



Hatter sat on his sofa solemnly. For once the TV was turned off and he was sitting in the dark. He rubbed his belly absently and frowned. For the last hour and a half he has been ignoring the persistent knocking at the door.

"Hatter! Open up! I need to speak with you!" Hare pleaded.

Hatter scrunched up his face and finally shouted "Fuck off, Hare! I'm not home!"

"If you're not home then why in the hell are you talking to me from inside the house?!" Hare pointed out angrily. Hatter begrudgingly rose from the couch and opened the door. "What the hell are you doing here anyway?"

torturedfruit865: (XD)

"Well, I was just in the neighborhood and—" Hare began his flimsy excuse to have Hatter cut him off.

"So you decided to bang on my door repeatedly like some nutcase."

Hare huffed at that. "Look, I'm here because I was thinking...shouldn't you be visiting the doctor more frequently? Get an ultrasound?"

"My insurance doesn't cover doctor visits for knocked-up men," Hatter snarked. "In fact, the representative just laughed at me. Motherfucker. Anyway, I figure since this little critter is going to pop out of me one of these days we might as well be surprised." An awkward silence fell over them. "Which you know because we've already fucking had this conversation," Hatter sniped, turning away from Hare.

"I'm just concerned is all. We don't even have a nursery or...where is the baby going to even live?"

"Well... I kind of figured it would live in my house?"

"Hatter... you don't have any room here."

"Of course I do... I've got a bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchen..."

"But the baby needs somewhere to sleep." Hare reminded him.

"Like I just said, I have a bedroom. And yes, a bed," he tried to say like Hare was going to ask a stupid question.

novelty stars: (No room no room XD)

"You can't sleep in the same bed as your baby, you retard." Hare folded his arms, his glare growing more and more intense.

"Then I'll buy a crib. Hell, I probably have one in my attic already."

Hare looked up to the sky, almost frightened that this man was going to bring life into the world. He snatched away his glasses and massaged his eye sockets.

"...Why do you care, anyway? Whatever happened to 'You can learn the hard way'?"

Hare took a deep breath and let his chest fall before he returned his glasses and frowned at Hatter. "Because." There was a silence that made them both feel weird. "You have my child for crying out loud. I... I can't just ignore you. You need me. And more importantly, you might need me to take you to the hospital."

Hatter huffed and crossed his arms. "Yeah, so..."

Neither talked for a while. Eventually they both strolled to their respective chairs at the end of the tea table and lounged in thought.
"I never suspected in my wildest dreams this would be a chapter of our friendship." Hatter started.

"Really? It's in all the textbooks."

"I'm serious, Hare!"

"Yeah, well you were the one with the genius idea."

"What genius idea?"

"You know, that we start having... escapades in the attic."

"Oh, you're right Hare, I'm such an idiot. I should have remembered to take my birth control pills."

"Well-." He stopped. There really was no reason why they would ever have to worry about a thing like this, and yet... he somehow felt almost disgusted with himself for all the fooling around he had done with his buddy. He just couldn't help it... he was... he was in...in l-...

The sexual tension could be cut with a knife. Before anything else was said they lunged at each other, crashing their mouths together...which took a few tries and different angles given Hatter's condition. They seemed to tango awkwardly into the bedroom, sated moans ruminating throughout the hat-shaped house.

torturedfruit865: (XDDD)

An hour later they surfaced from their ferocious lovemaking and snuggled up under the covers. Hatter pulled what appeared to be a cigarette from behind the headboard. Hare raised his gloved hand in objection.

"Calm down. It's candy," Hatter snarked, though not with as much bite as before.

In the haze of the afterglow Hare decided to bring up their unfinished conversation.

torturedfruit865: (eating candy in the bed after sex. that is SO hatter and hare XDD)
novelty stars: (haha good!)

"So...I noticed as we sort of danced," he made some funky gestures, "another door next to your bathroom. I never noticed it before."

Hatter rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's just a laundry room. Since all my suits are dry cleaned I never had a use for it." He chewed his candy cigarette, not seeming to understand Hare's implication.

"So...why don't you turn it into a nursery?"

"I guess," Hatter replied disinterestedly. "What should we paint it?"

Hare pondered for a moment. "How about sea foam?" Hatter scoffed at this.

"Sea foam?! Are you serious?"

"What's wrong with sea foam?"

"No child of mine is sleeping in a sea foam room. That is just bullshit."

torturedfruit865: (XD interior designing quarrels... even MORE like them)

"All right, no sea foam. How about chartreuse?"

Hatter sighed, irritated. "Why green at all?!"

"It was just a couple suggestions." Hare shrugged, somewhat offended at being shot down. "...I just don't want to commit to a color when we don't know if it's a boy or a girl."

"Oh lord, don't tell me you take that shit seriously."

novelty stars: (haha)

Hare glared up at him and yanked away the remains of his candy stick. "You know, I think sweets make you cranky."

"Oh?" Hatter asked like he had some nerve making such an observation. "So it wasn't enough to be my best friend AND my baby's father... you have to be my mother too..."

"Well what have you been eating lately? If it's the same stuff you normally eat when you're stressed; cookies and ice cream; then what I'm saying makes perfect sense. "

"How do you figure? You and I both know that's practically my staple diet anyway. Besides, I'm cranky because of this." He slapped his tummy, hard enough to make Hare jolt.

"Be CAREFUL." Hatter paused. A quirky smile worked its way up.

"You know... it's kind of cute when you worry about that thing." He tried, feeling awkward letting such affectionate things slip. Hare shriveled up in his place over Hatter's shoulder.

"And..." He added, "We could always paint it coral." He arched his eyebrows. "So what if he have a boy. Any boy that lives in this house is going to be surrounded in 'gay' anyway."

Hare silently agreed in the end about that...

Suddenly the phone started ringing. Hatter placed his hand over his eyes. "You mind getting that?" Hare sleepily propped himself up and slid to the side of the bed to retrieve his pants, then walked to the phone and answered.

"Hello?"

"Hare? Is that you?" Tweedle-Dee's voice replied. Hare's posture straightened.

"Y-yeah. It's me."

A silence fell over them.

"Um... we were just curious... we haven't seen Hatter around for a few days and noticed his tea table isn't set.... so..."

"Oh! Yeah... Hatter's... out of town."

"And you... T-this is Hatter's number, isn't it? Or did I-..."

"No, it is." Hare paused. "Did I say he was out of town? I meant he was sick. And I'm taking care of him."

"Ohhh, that's no good. What's wrong with him?"

"... He... has the flu."

There was another really long and really uncomfortable silence.
As it seemed Hare didn't feel like elaborating or even talking, Dee finished up. "Well, I sure hope he gets better soon. And when he does, tell him me and my brother would sure love a little tea."

"Right. Tea." Hare remarked suavely. He hung up the phone and hurried back to the bed, ker-plopping over the comforter. Both of them were pretty stupid sometimes, so this seemed like a completely convincing phone call.

A little later on, Hatter was trying to get his suit back in order. Hare noted how frustrated he seemed not being able to button up his vest or tuck in his shirt. He approached him and put a ginger hand on his shoulder.

"You don't seem very comfortable, Hatter." Hatter stopped a moment to give him a "no shit" stare. "I... think it would be kind of fun if you let me... and Alice maybe... take you out and get some maternity clothes. I heard Motherhood Maternity is having a 20% off sale."

Before Hatter could respond there was a soft knock on the door. The parents-to-be looked at each other quizzically. "W-who is it?" Hare called out, nose twitching ever so slightly.

"It's me, Alice!" she stage whispered. Hatter shrugged and opened the door. Alice made her way inside. She had something in her hand. The Hatter was about to ask what she was doing there when she answered for him. "I had extra time in art class today so I made an invitation."

Hare raised an eyebrow. "An invitation? An invitation for what?"

"Well, where I live we have baby showers for mothers-to-be," Alice explained. Hatter scoffed.

"We know what baby showers are, Alice. We're not some fucking primitive tribe."

Alice frowned at Hatter's harsh words but went on. "Anyway, since your baby is due any day now I thought maybe we should have a baby shower and invite everyone."

"You realize we're trying to keep this under our hats here," Hare pointed out. Alice just smiled like he just said something very "special". "You can't hide forever. What better way to break it to them?"

"Alice, I really don't think that's such a good idea," Hatter said matter-of-factly.

"Why not? You get free stuff!"

"Yes, I can just imagine the type of things our friends would give us," Hare mocked.

Hatter chuckled. "I know, right?"

She pouted, not appreciating their ingratitude very much. Finally Hatter said "Look, Hare and I were just talking about getting maternity clothes since I can't even button my shirts anymore. Wanna come?"

Alice's face brightened a bit. "Sure! But...think about the baby shower, okay?"

Hatter stared at her and blinked. "Sure."

Little did the pregnant duo know, Alice had a plan.

The two men and their 12-year-old companion reached the black mat of the Wonderland Mall where two automatic doors swished open in front of them. They entered all with different expressions. Hatter seemed tired from maneuvering across the parking lot, Hare seemed mildly pleased with the atmosphere, and Alice looked comfortably excited, like it was also a normal occurrence for her to take out fully grown men to pick out maternity clothes back at home. She grabbed Hatter by the hand and they started walking. He peered down at the interlocked palms and decided to just let it go. Meanwhile Hare followed idly as they searched for the right place, when finally a neon pink sign in loopy cursive that read "Motherhood Maternity" was above their heads. Hatter halted at the entrance and fidgeted a little, put off by the fuzzy warm interior of the shop. Hare and Alice exchanged knowing "he's just shy" glances and held to each of his arms, easing him inwards.

Hare twirled his gloved fingers over a peach lacy tanktop and turned to Hatter, who was standing like a pole was up his ass, crossing his arms. He gave a thumbs down and scrunched up his lips. Then Alice came up to him, with a light blue ruffled night gown. This disturbed him greatly.

Eventually Hare's optimism dwindled. "Come on, Hatter... don't you like at least one thing that we've shown you?" They surveyed the shop for Alice, who was deep in clothing racks and displays at the other end of the store. Hatter leaned in towards Hare.

"... I know that this is a big surprise... but just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm a woman-"

"Well I know that.-"

"These clothes are for women,-"

"I know-" Hare cut in sharply.

"Well then what are we doing here?"

"Hatter, this is the only place to find clothes that are comfortable for your... new figure." He gulped. "Yes, much of this stuff is of the female persuasion but that's the way the cookie crumbles."

novelty stars: (lol)

"Don't mention cookies..." Hatter grumbled.

Hare frowned and held Hatter by the arm as they sought out Alice. She had a collection of purple garments in her arms. "Oh, hey you guys! Look at all the stuff I found! I... figured you were a 10 in women's." She handed it off to Hatter, who barely acknowledged the weight in his arms. Hare patted him on the shoulder.

"Well, there's a fitting room right over there..." He pointed. Hatter's dead eyes followed in their direction until he spotted it himself. His shopping mates smiled him off warmly. When he approached the fitting room entrance, a short blonde woman with manicured finger nails was at the desk. "How many-" she asked without looking. He realized he didn't know and looked down to count the hangers.

He sighed first. "...Eight." His deep voice replied.

Startled, she turned to the 6'3" or so man standing in the doorway. When she leaned forward to see if perhaps a woman was accompanying him, and no one was there, she narrowed her eyes.

"Is this some kind of joke?" She asked plain and simple.

Hatter seemed offended.

"I really wish it was."

They stared each other down.

"So I have eight, as I said."

novelty stars: (XD)

"Can I... see those?" She asked sceptically. Hatter clutched them even tighter, realizing well that they hid the protrusion.

"I-I really just want to please my friends and get this over with so we can go home. Please just give me a number."

"I'm not giving a number to you."

"Why?! I don't remember seeing any 'no cross dressing' signs around here."

"But sir, you don't even need to try on these clothes."

"I agree! Really. We're on the same page here. But I've got a baby-daddy and a 12-year-old girl out there that want to pretend this is a normal pregnancy and I don't know how else to deal with it."