He's Having My Baby
PART 5


"I've had about enough of you insulting my intelligence." The woman hissed.

The Hatter's face contorted into something akin to exasperated frustration. "Who the fuck do you think you are, lady?!" As the saleswoman began to respond Hatter snapped. He shoved the maternity clothes at her angrily. "You know what you can do with those? Hm? You can shove them up your fat ass!"

By now his companions had joined them, looking rather embarrassed at the attention they were receiving while trying to placate the pissed off pregnant man.

"With all due respect, Sir," the saleswoman's tone conveying anything but, "You're not exactly a Skinny Minnie yourself."

"Yeah, well, I'm pregnant! What's your excuse?!"

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Or do I need to call security?"

Hare cleared his throat. "Er, that won't be necessary, Madam. We were just leaving." He placed a hand on the seething Hatter's shoulder and spoke in a calming tone. "Now, now. We don't need to cause a scene."

Alice's face had been fixed into a shocked expression up to that point.


They were now seated on a bench next to a fountain after having exited the store. "Hey, remember when you had the cookie problem?"

Hatter rolled his eyes and glowered at Alice. "Nooooo," he drawled out sarcastically.

Alice just went on as if she hadn't just been mocked. "Well, your clothes just seemed to stretch out as you got...larger. Maybe we don't need maternity clothes after all!"

Hare drew his mouth in. "Why the hell did we not think of this before?"

"I don't know, maybe the same way we didn't think out the fact that this gestation thing could point to Rabbit just as much as it could you." Hatter muttered. They all stopped speaking a moment. Alice's eyes wandered over to the baby a bit horrified.

"..You've been kissing Rabbit?"

Both the Hatter and Hare's eyes enlarged.

"Yes. It was an accident."

"How do you accidentally kiss that thing?!" Alice unbecomingly queried loud enough for passersby to hear.

"Curiosity killed the cat?" Hatter asked. A moment later, he ducked like at any moment the Cheshire Cat was going to make another grand entrance to say something unclever. When nobody new made the scene, he continued. "Look, we'll talk about it later. Maybe never, actually. But still, it's a possibility."

Hare huffed a little and looked down to his shoes.

"What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

Hatter's lips squished. "Okay then?"

"Well, I guess we had better get back to your house." Alice finally suggested.

"Sounds good to me, my feet are killing me."

With that, Hare and Alice helped him up and they slowly went off.



When they returned to the tea table, who else but Rabbit came rushing by on his blades like he were escaping a bad encounter with the Queen. He double took as the trio crossed the fence, crashing into a nearby tree and laying there a while. Nobody even helped him up or turned around. Eventually he rose from the area and soared over looking perplexed.

"Oh hey Ra-" Hare began. "Rabbitttttttt. Uhhhhh." He stepped in front of Hatter's belly. Alice quickly caught on and did the same.

"Wah-eghhi... Hello~~.." Rabbit tried. His eyes narrowed and he tilted himself to the side. Hatter's companions continued to hover around in front of him.

Hatter rolled his eyes. "Oh God, I don't know how much more of this shit I can take today."
Hare and Alice ignored him while deciding internally whether or not they should just cut to the chase with the Queen's lackey. They looked at each other, nodded, and then turned back to the very nervous looking White Rabbit. They both began to speak at the same time.

"I really don't know how to ask this, but—"
"Why did you kiss Mr. Hatter?"

The White Rabbit's eyes grew to the size of saucers. He looked from Hatter, who was looking extremely bored, back to his mismatched interrogators. "I...What?"

Alice decided to drop any pretense of being nice. "Don't play dumb with us. You know exactly what we mean!"

"W-What's this all about?!" the Rabbit looked to the ground as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

Hatter chose that time to break out of his brooding. He got between Alice and Hare and pushed them aside to join the fold. "Well, it looks like the cat's out of the bag." He paused momentarily, hoping against hope that the damn Cheshire Cat wouldn't choose that time to appear. When he didn't he proceeded. "Look, I'm knocked up. Don't ask because I sure as hell don't understand this any better than you do. We're pretty sure Hare's the baby-daddy, but since you're both rabbit-ish you have similar gestation periods and, well," he chuckled humorlessly, "hey, maybe it's you."

The Rabbit waited for the part where this was some sort of sick joke. It never came. Nobody budged. It was difficult enough having to address that he had had sexual relations with Hatter, much less what he was to reveal next.

"That's...impossible. You see, the Queen had me...fixed, as it were."

Hare raised an eyebrow. "Fixed?"

Alice blinked. "You mean, like, when we had to take Dinah in to the vet so she couldn't have babies?"

"Y-yyyes... I mean, as you've noticed, I don't really wear any pants... most people don't do that if things are present..." He explained.

"Well, that rules out Rabbit I guess-" Hare was all too eager to decide.

"Now wait one minute. It's just as impossible that some egg was fertilized in my all male body. Maybe the small shreds of logic that Wonderland still possessed are finally gone." Hatter gulped.

"Hatter, if he says he had his balls removed, there's nothing more to it, now stop insisting that oversized bunny might be my godamn baby's father!" Hare shouted. They all looked to him a bit surprised. "What? It's my baby..." He added.

"I never said I wanted it anyway." Rabbit began. Hare's eyes bulged. "I MEAN... i-i-if it's yours."

"The fact that we ever had to say 'if' at all is unsettling." Hare glared at their white furry friend and crossed his arms. The tension between these two was thick in the air.

"I-I know what you're thinking. I assure you, Mr. Hare, I have no interest in Mr Hatta~... All yours." He made shooing gestures with his dainty little gloved fingers.

"Oooohho, really."

"Can we please move past the fact that I had a fling with Rabbit? It's done and neither of us were serious, okay?"

Rabbit at first tried to nod, then he couldn't help himself from sifting backwards on his skates. "I-I had better return to the palace. Her highness has...tennis practice today."

"Oh wait, Mr. Rabbit!" Alice plead. His posture straightened.

"I think Hatter would prefer it if you didn't tell the Queen yet. He's still unsure about how to break it to the rest of Wonderland."

"Oh...whyyy-of course, I won't tell anyone." He grimaced at the three and rode off a little unsteadily.

Alice slowly turned up to Hatter. "You know, the Tweedles, Mr. Caterpillar, and the Queen are the only ones that don't know now..."

"Are you kidding me? That's more than half the people I know."

"Well...then maybe the baby shower is just what we need!" Alice replied brightly.

"Jesus, Alice! Haven't we been through this?"

"You said you would think about it."

Hatter scoffed. "Alice, the only reason anyone ever says that is so that they can end the conversation and hopefully make the other person forget about it!"

"Hatter, you can see how excited she is about it. Just let her do the damn thing. Everyone is going to find out anyway," Hare interjected. "Frankly, I'm surprised we've been able to keep it under our hat...no pun intended...for this long."

Hatter looked at his baby-daddy in disbelief. "You can't be serious?!"

"C'mon, Mr. Hatter. I promise I'll do a very good job. Puh-lease," Alice begged, putting on her best puppy face. At this point Hatter was somewhat feeling guilty about pissing on this girl's parade.

"Oh, all right," he relented. "I mean, what's the point of pretending that I still have my dignity anymore?" Alice squealed excitedly and attempted to hug Hatter which was pretty difficult. "At least there will be a stripper," Hatter murmured.

Hare sighed as if he were dealing with an incorrigible retard. "I'm pretty sure that only happens at bachelor parties."

"Oh yeah? And just how many bachelor parties have you been to?" Hatter asked mockingly.

"You're in a pretty odd position to be insulting my masculinity."

"So, should I add that all gifts be gender-neutral?" Alice's voice cut in. The quarrelers turned around to see her writing in a notepad that seemed to have come out of nowhere. They just stare at her a bit. "You don't know whether it's a boy or a girl yet, right?" she clarified.

"Well, no, but Hare and I sorta figured that any child we would have is probably going to be a homo anyway."

"We just don't have it in us to raise a butch child," Hare added.

"Pfft, speak for yourself! No child of mine is going to be some candy-ass nancy boy!"

Hare folded his arms. "You don't really expect me to dignify that with an answer, do you?"

"Okay," Alice raised her voice, "Ixnay on the gender-neutral thing. Gosh, don't you two ever quit?"

"I don't know, but I really really want to eat relish out of the jar right now." Hatter replied.

"Ewwww."

"I know."