He's Having My Baby
PART 7

You could hear every cricket ceasing its song to say “what the fuck?”

“The Queen is right behind me, isn't she?” Hatter deadpanned. The Queen still wasn't quite sure she was seeing what she thought she was seeing.

“Okay, for the sake of argument, I'm gonna pretend that this isn't eleven kinds of fucked up,” the Queen began. “How did this happen?”

“Well, Your Majesty, when—“ Tweedle Dee started, but the Queen put up her hand in protest.

“Are you a knocked-up white guy with a hat? No? Then sit down and shut the fuck up!”

Tweedle Dee raised his hands in defeat and did just that. Hare, feeling a bit more like the martyr than ever before, chose to speak up. “It was me, Your Majesty.”

“Wow, Hare. I didn't think you had it in you.”

“I know, right?” everyone said in unison, much to the Hare's annoyance.

“Yes, please, continue to insult my masculinity. It's not old yet or anything.”

Hatter sighed heavily. There was really nothing else to say, except “Well, since everyone is already here I guess we can have that baby shower.”

Hare seems embarrassed about the whole ordeal now that it's actually happening and the Queen knows they've been having sex. He coughs loudly for Hatter's attention. “Well, we could...except...Alice isn't here. And she's the hostess.”

They all murmur “oh” and seem like they will soon wander off, much to Hare's hope, when suddenly the little girl makes her way along the fence and stops at the gate. “Hey you guys. Did you all get my invitations?”

Hare buries his face in his hands. By now Hatter just pats his tummy like it's always been there and waits around for his life to get even more fucked up.

The rest of them stare at her. She lets herself in and stands next to Rabbit who crosses his arms and awkwardly smiles to no one in particular. “...What's, uhh...what's...You guys feeling okay?”

“Actually, I could really use a pillow for my feet. Wouldn't mind sitting if that's okay with you,” Hatter remarked. Hare and Rabbit awkwardly helped him into a chair at the tea table and propped up his legs. Rabbit gestured towards the house. “I'll be right back with that pillow.” He glides through the door. Everyone is still suspiciously silent.

“Yeah, so anyway, everyone's thrilled about the baby,” Hatter adds. He would normally reach for a cup of tea, but the whole table is bare. “In fact, I was just saying that we might as well have a party now since nobody's doing anything and the magic hasn't worn off.”

“Oh...well, sure! I mean, if you're all really that free. It wasn't supposed to be till Thursday, but...”

“Yeahhhhh, but as you can see, I'm as big as a parachute. I could go into labor any second now, and...”

Dee and Dum, who're standing at his side, for some reason retract a little.

“Weee...uhhh...” Dum begins.

“We need to run back home and bring you a gift,” Dee fills in for him.

“Right.” Dum nods very unconvincingly.

They slowly walk away.

Just then, Rabbit comes back out with pillow in hand, noting that the only ones left are Alice, Hare and the Queen, and Hare seems to be receiving a rather uncomfortable stare from her.

“Heeea's that pillow for you, Hatter.” After a pause, he rolls up to situate it.

Hatter shifts into a more comfortable position. “Well, this is usually the part where everyone gives me presents for the baby. Well, the Tweedles said they were going to get me something, but we all know they just wanted to get the hell out of Dodge.” It was as if he was commentating a senior center's chess tournament.

This was obviously not going the way Alice had envisioned, but she had to make the best of it. “Mr. Rabbit? Why don't we go make something in the kitchen?”

Rabbit was more than happy to oblige. The Queen wasn't all that excited about the prospect of hanging around the Daddy Duo. “I'm just gonna go make sure they don't set themselves on fire or something.” And she made her exit.

Hare sighed raggedly. “Do we really have to go through with this farce?”

Hatter's control over his pregnancy hormones ended abruptly. “This isn't about you, Hare!”

“The hell it isn't! I helped make that thing, and I can...break it just as easily.” Hare realized in mid-sentence what was wrong with applying that cliché to their situation.

“I think it's a bit late for the 'push-'er-down-the-stairs-and-hope-for-the-best' trick, don't you?” Hatter snarked.

“Obviously. I mean, you're bound to burst like a galvanized melon at any second. I still do wonder how it's supposed to come out. I personally envision Chestburster a la Alien.”

“That's only because you like to see me suffer,” Hatter retorted.

“A little,” Hare admitted. “But you can hardly fault me for that.”

Hatter's expression softened. “I know. It's just—“

“Who wants Snickers pie?” Alice chose that time to emerge from the kitchen, her tone a little too perky for that moment in time. The Queen and Rabbit sort of hung around behind her.

“I would love a piece,” Hatter says. They start cutting for him. The Queen suddenly starts fuming.

“How the fuck did you get Hatter pregnant?!” she shrieks at Hare, who shrivels into himself and flicks his fingers about.

Hatter innocently cranks his neck in Hare's direction. Alice and Rabbit are silent, the paper plate with Hatter's pie on it in mid-delivery.

“I...I...”

The Queen's eyes are bulging out of her head.

“I...” he repeats. “Well, it all started when...”

“You don't need to answer that question, Hare,” Hatter cuts in. “She knows how it's done.”

“I know how it's done between a capable man and woman, not two...freaks!”

Rabbit gasps. “Yo-a Majesty! You're not homophobic, are you?”

“It's not about homophobia, you fucktards!!! Whether or I support this relationship or not, they CAN'T have a baby!!!”

Hare bows his head shamefully.

“But, Your Majesty...” Alice begins.

“Quiet, child,” The Queen cuts her off. “Now this has gone on long enough. You aren't actually pregnant. This is a joke! Ha-ha ha-ha! Now I order you to stop!”

Hatter's mild smirk suddenly drops. He pushes away Hare's hands, which are nervously approaching his shoulder, and gets to his feet, looming over his ruler like nobody's business.


And here's an irrelevant picture of them being adorable and sitting on their table, too.