I am SO RELIEVED to have my laptop back safe and sound (even if 80 dollars are long gone *sob*). I didn't know what was going to happen to this chapter that I had been working on for a week or so. I was happy with it and couldn't imagine writing it well the second time. This week got busy now that I have two classes, and waking up every day at 6:00 for five weeks is going to take some getting used to, so I've been tired and getting headaches, so as much as I wish there was time, I have to go to Geology in a half hour. grrrrRRr! *clenches fist*
I'm gonna post some now though. It's about 2/3 of it. Because I love the people who read my personal journal. *blows kiss*
Do let me know if you have any advice that I can put into the final draft.
HE'S (@) THERE
Chapter 39 - Storm-catcher
You could say it was a roleplay. He sounded so very much like Erik, trying to convince me life above ground was hardly comparable to the sanctuary he had created below it, but I believed he was trying to do something much bigger than what he had first projected. I felt real seeds planted in my head, a sense of reality in everything he said; as real as his shivers.
I knew I was looking down on someone who did know delusions very well, but it was unclear how far in them he had gotten, and if it was enough to worry. There was no doubt that since I met him, his dimensions had sprung up from that writing on paper for me. He was the closest thing to Erik that I would ever have. I felt his spirit inside this man, and correspondingly, it made me feel Christine's. Deeply, more than I thought I could, which is not something I ever wanted to admit in full to Giry, or especially Mariam.
If he meant something like this in his writings, I was there with him in every way, and it didn't matter what either of them thought. Nobody got this feeling besides us, and I was okay with that. At least, I felt okay with it then.
He got to rest under my watchful eye for as long as he wanted before he took me back to my house, and only after us bickering, with me saying I didn't need to go home, and him saying he was not passing on his sleep-deprivation to me.
He parked across the street, a number of houses up, so he could step out of the car as I did... I didn't see it as an expectation, but I was quick to hug him, for making such a terrible mood dissolve. It was scary, I didn't know what it would mean to him, but while I was still to his side, I turned my face and kissed the mask.
"...I'm sorry it has to be done like that," he followed with. My poor heart sunk, hearing that. I was sorry too.
"I'm going to figure this out." He was out of answers. "This isn't about to end. Okay?"
"Oh I knew that very well..."
I half smiled but was a little unsure how to say goodbye. I relied on a glance in his eyes as cue I was going to walk away when I stopped myself.
"I'll give you back that book tomorrow."
"...Wonderful." His pronouncing of the words took the last blow to the heart already sinking. That he belonged out there, that I couldn't kiss him; not how he want me to, and that the next step taken would be Lily's, alone.
I felt his hand touch the back of my arm as I turned away again. "You're braver than you seem." This hand retracted when I stepped backward but I caught it as I did so, trying to keep contact as long as I could, but he followed me forward. I had to let go all the way and turn my back on him to make him stop. It was that type of temptation that would, in excess, make me sleepless all night. Our walk wasn't long enough, and it never would be like this.
- - -
My alarm did not wake me up for school the next day because I was already on the floor, surrounded in papers, by the time it went off. It instead jolted me out of a very detailed examination of all the contents of my desk and reminded me that in the next ten minutes I needed to begin caring about all the other aspects of my life.
What was I looking for? Nothing. It was not a search. Or perhaps it was, but not for a certain poem or drawing, just for myself. I felt I had been losing her lately. Not in the heart, but in some unexplainable way. It almost felt like our move to Oregon - losing the house and losing my friends... unsure how to fill the gaps, but knowing I can't just stay in my room all day and avoid the changes.
I had found my diary from seventh grade to only the first half of freshman year. It was a little present sitting on my bed when we came to the house to stay, and not to drop things off. My mom said I could see our move as an adventure, very worthy of documentation.
I had my nose in this thing at school all day, even lunch, where I was all alone. I didn't know where Meg had gone off to but I assumed to eat lunch with Carrie, or Kira, hell, maybe even Giry, who I was starting to miss like crazy. I texted her to say I hoped everything was alright between us, and then Erik, in hopes he had crashed somewhere safe.
Pretty much the only light of the day; splattered in rain, and very quiet, was his reply that he had, but he was sorry it could not be next to me again. I got it in English, under my desk, and looked out the window. It was such a disgusting grey sky, but if he was out there somewhere, that was where I wanted to be.
If that didn't sound melodramatic, I didn't know what did.
Work was at 4:00. For no reason, my nose had been running like crazy, but I put on my shirt and my smile and we had the slowest day ever. My coworkers were teasing each other to pass the time, but I guess I came off like a real stick-in-the-mud because at some point they just stopped chatting in my direction.
God. I just wanted to go.
So many other things needed to be done. I needed to finish going through my desk, and start on all Erik and I's notes, and write something meaningful to him in our book. And of course, unavoidably, homework...
The book might not seem urgent to you, but I just had to hear more of what he was thinking but not saying to me in person. It was more important then than ever to understand his perceptions of this relationship... I knew there was something in the air that I had to figure out now.
- - -
When my shift finally ended I came straight to my locker to find that Giry had received my message and wasn't mad at me, and to call after 9:30.
Of course, I did. The time couldn't come sooner. She could practically tell that I had not had human interaction (of the normal kind) for days. "I thought for sure that you and Mariam were on the same side," I took our conversation to, quickly. Why not think so?
"Same side of-... Oh, no... Mariam was mad, I was just worried, and only after he wanted you to stay overnight-"
"She's still mad."
"What?"
"I thought she would've told you, or something..."
"No... She's been really quiet in math."
"Hh." I don't know why, but I had this growing suspicion that she was actually mad at Giry too.
"...Seems like everyone's been quiet lately..." An awkward silence fell over us. "I got your message from that morning... I meant to reply I just had a SHIT-ton of stuff to do for AP Art History."
"Oh! ...That's okay." Nevermind what assumptions I was making.
"It sounds like you had a... wonderful time with him."
"...I did." Awkward still. "And I have never seen someone... use an umbrella like that before."
"What?! Hahahaha!"
"Let's just say... gates are no hindrance for him."
"Okay. I'll take your word for it."
It seemed to me she was doing something, perhaps taking the time out for me after a long day. Considering how I had been feeling the past two days, or maybe four, I realized I couldn't forget how lucky I was to still have a normal friendship with her, without the fights. I collected my words nervously and took a breath.
"...I'm sorry how I acted when you were worried."
"That's okay," she said very quickly after.
"Are you sure about that?"
"I'm just paranoid with guys. Any guy, not just guys with masks!..." I smiled. "Ugh... I've just had some experiences, and so have my friends, and when a guy's horny, he'll deal with it in the most ridiculous ways and it put me in the defense mode when he was acting like all you were going to do was go out to dinner, and then last minute it's to stay the night."
"I wasn't expecting him to ask me either. I can really see how it looked."
"I just remember you used to be really unsure about being around him since you couldn't make out what type of roleplay it was, but... I mean, I know you're not stupid." She paused, with faint sounds on the other end of papers shuffling. "At the time I just wasn't sure what to say and I figured if anything weird was going on, I could get you to admit it. Because if he was pressuring you, I would've seriously gone in there and been like... 'chill. Christine needs to go home now.'" I laughed but secretly I wasn't sure if we were on the same page anymore. Who he was and the "Phantom" persona the Giry girls saw had been splitting since day one.
"... He treats me very well," was all I thought fit to add.
"...I'm glad he does."
"...and I was nervous, even considering. He asked me and I felt really put on the spot and I was scared. N-Not scared like I thought something was going to happen to me, just scared that I was actually staying, and 'oh god, what are we going to do?!'" This made her laugh. "In the end nothing happened. I didn't want it to and he... he was just fine. That's been proof to me that he's a lot more trustworthy than he's given credit. But... Meg..." I realized around her I was getting back into the habit of calling her that. "It's like she didn't even care that nothing happened - just the part where I put him in a spot where he could be both a good person and a bad."
We both thought about this in silence for a long time before she had something to say again.
"...You're probably not going to like this suggestion..."
"...What is it?"
"Well..." She sighed first, which just made me more curious and even nervous about it. "You've been at this roleplay for... what? Since Halloween? Beforehand? So... it's been a while. And when it started off it wasn't a big deal. Mariam thought it was weird, but... she tolerated it because... it was just a roleplay and we were all clearly ourselves. Okay, she didn't agree to be Meg, but still. And... the Phantom... you know, he was just that creepy guy, and we were all going along with it. But... things are different now. You can't deny that."
"I know..."
"You don't just get 'mysterious' notes from him anymore, or emails... You go out with him. You stay the night with him, and that's a lot bigger. That's a bigger jump to make when he's still a stranger."
I knew this - it was the exact logic I would argue, and yet it didn't matter. It almost made me more willing to take the chance.
"He knows you," she continued, "and I know you, and I know you're the one doing this. You're Christine, but he's just... he's not giving you anything. So from that angle I can see why Mariam would be feeling like it's too much. It doesn't matter if you reassure her because... He's just not being fair. Eventually you have to know who he is."
Why? Was my very first reactionary thought.
"It's not like you'll just keep roleplaying until you're both sick of it and then he'll just disappear forever. You know. He's a person too; he obviously lives around here. He wants to get to know you... I know it sort of ruins part of him being The Phantom... But it's for safety and it's just something to fall back on."
"...I don't think it would help," I said after a long pause.
"What?" Giry seemed a little confused. I didn't blame her.
"Well we always thought it would be... essentially... figuring out the truth if we could unmask him, or find out his name. I don't have a lot of faith in that anymore... Meeting him in person isn't going to make him easier to understand."
"You mean his... his personality...Well I was going to say... If we did know who he was, he couldn't use being anonymous to do... things he shouldn't. That's all. I mean, if he's complicated enough to make the roleplay interesting either way, you might as well find out who he is."
I ran out of words, momentarily. I thought I had the confidence to piece something ambiguous together but my blank continued.
My dad suddenly appeared in the door frame. "Do you need to use that?"
"Huh?" I replied, dumbly.
"The computer?" He reiterated.
"Oh," ... "Uh, Giry! My dad wants me out of the study. I'll have to call you back."
We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone on the way out. Maybe it was just my conscience, but I felt a shared confusion with my dad about why I had hung up on her just to leave the room, cellphone in my hands all the way down the hall and stairs, and beside me as I put a mint tea bag into a cup of hot water.
Never did call her back.
- - -
I don't know how I made it out another night, but I was able to return to him and return the book. It was spectacular deja vu to find him across the street again, waiting for me, as always, to do anything for me. And this time he was well rested. A little too well rested - he was trying to confuse me while we were walking through a batch of trees. When his back was turned it was nearly impossible to make him out in the dark and then suddenly I would almost run right into him. I think he was trying to make me run into him, because when it worked, I got grabbed.
Nevermind that I had no idea where we were. He had parked the car we had taken, a black one, which really threw me off, at the curb and we were approaching the back of a building. His hand reached the handle of a door but had some sort of struggle with it, retrieving something from his pocket, before it opened, and I became very suspicious when he held my hand and whispered "hurry." He locked it right behind us as we entered this room, this room I knew we were not supposed to be in, and suddenly I was tugged through it and out another door, speed walking along a hallway, not very well lit.
"You weren't supposed to do that, were you?" I harshly whispered. It got very frustrating that he didn't always react when I asked him questions, unless you count making a sharp turn and taking me up a flight of stairs.
We were at center of two red halls when I realized immediately we were in a godamn hotel. This prompted my most sincere confusion of the past few nights. He still had my hand, so when he started down a hall, I went with him, reluctantly. "Are you even going to answer me?" His pace slowed so he could look at me, thoroughly, for his response.
"No, I wasn't supposed to do that. Should we go back?" My brow fell.
"No, but for future reference, there is probably a front door."
"Yes, and probably a lovely group of staff keeping us from going where I would like us to." He smiled and pulled me into an elevator. He may have succeeded in winning me over at the moment, but I wouldn't soon forget he had picked a lock. Those are never one-time things.
The doors closed as he leaned against the railing, facing me. "You said it would be a good story to tell to be stuck in an elevator with me," he suddenly spoke, very confidently. The floor began to move and I darted my eyes around.
"I did..." I trailed.
"Would you really like for that to happen?"
To be continued...
In the final I'm also going to add more thought about Giry's proposal strung throughout her experience with Erik. Right now it was just leading up to a decision!
Also, look what I made! I downloaded an icon maker because I wanted that rose logo for a folder. Oh gosh. ♥
I'm gonna post some now though. It's about 2/3 of it. Because I love the people who read my personal journal. *blows kiss*
Do let me know if you have any advice that I can put into the final draft.
HE'S (@) THERE
Chapter 39 - Storm-catcher
You could say it was a roleplay. He sounded so very much like Erik, trying to convince me life above ground was hardly comparable to the sanctuary he had created below it, but I believed he was trying to do something much bigger than what he had first projected. I felt real seeds planted in my head, a sense of reality in everything he said; as real as his shivers.
I knew I was looking down on someone who did know delusions very well, but it was unclear how far in them he had gotten, and if it was enough to worry. There was no doubt that since I met him, his dimensions had sprung up from that writing on paper for me. He was the closest thing to Erik that I would ever have. I felt his spirit inside this man, and correspondingly, it made me feel Christine's. Deeply, more than I thought I could, which is not something I ever wanted to admit in full to Giry, or especially Mariam.
If he meant something like this in his writings, I was there with him in every way, and it didn't matter what either of them thought. Nobody got this feeling besides us, and I was okay with that. At least, I felt okay with it then.
He got to rest under my watchful eye for as long as he wanted before he took me back to my house, and only after us bickering, with me saying I didn't need to go home, and him saying he was not passing on his sleep-deprivation to me.
He parked across the street, a number of houses up, so he could step out of the car as I did... I didn't see it as an expectation, but I was quick to hug him, for making such a terrible mood dissolve. It was scary, I didn't know what it would mean to him, but while I was still to his side, I turned my face and kissed the mask.
"...I'm sorry it has to be done like that," he followed with. My poor heart sunk, hearing that. I was sorry too.
"I'm going to figure this out." He was out of answers. "This isn't about to end. Okay?"
"Oh I knew that very well..."
I half smiled but was a little unsure how to say goodbye. I relied on a glance in his eyes as cue I was going to walk away when I stopped myself.
"I'll give you back that book tomorrow."
"...Wonderful." His pronouncing of the words took the last blow to the heart already sinking. That he belonged out there, that I couldn't kiss him; not how he want me to, and that the next step taken would be Lily's, alone.
I felt his hand touch the back of my arm as I turned away again. "You're braver than you seem." This hand retracted when I stepped backward but I caught it as I did so, trying to keep contact as long as I could, but he followed me forward. I had to let go all the way and turn my back on him to make him stop. It was that type of temptation that would, in excess, make me sleepless all night. Our walk wasn't long enough, and it never would be like this.
- - -
My alarm did not wake me up for school the next day because I was already on the floor, surrounded in papers, by the time it went off. It instead jolted me out of a very detailed examination of all the contents of my desk and reminded me that in the next ten minutes I needed to begin caring about all the other aspects of my life.
What was I looking for? Nothing. It was not a search. Or perhaps it was, but not for a certain poem or drawing, just for myself. I felt I had been losing her lately. Not in the heart, but in some unexplainable way. It almost felt like our move to Oregon - losing the house and losing my friends... unsure how to fill the gaps, but knowing I can't just stay in my room all day and avoid the changes.
I had found my diary from seventh grade to only the first half of freshman year. It was a little present sitting on my bed when we came to the house to stay, and not to drop things off. My mom said I could see our move as an adventure, very worthy of documentation.
I had my nose in this thing at school all day, even lunch, where I was all alone. I didn't know where Meg had gone off to but I assumed to eat lunch with Carrie, or Kira, hell, maybe even Giry, who I was starting to miss like crazy. I texted her to say I hoped everything was alright between us, and then Erik, in hopes he had crashed somewhere safe.
Pretty much the only light of the day; splattered in rain, and very quiet, was his reply that he had, but he was sorry it could not be next to me again. I got it in English, under my desk, and looked out the window. It was such a disgusting grey sky, but if he was out there somewhere, that was where I wanted to be.
If that didn't sound melodramatic, I didn't know what did.
Work was at 4:00. For no reason, my nose had been running like crazy, but I put on my shirt and my smile and we had the slowest day ever. My coworkers were teasing each other to pass the time, but I guess I came off like a real stick-in-the-mud because at some point they just stopped chatting in my direction.
God. I just wanted to go.
So many other things needed to be done. I needed to finish going through my desk, and start on all Erik and I's notes, and write something meaningful to him in our book. And of course, unavoidably, homework...
The book might not seem urgent to you, but I just had to hear more of what he was thinking but not saying to me in person. It was more important then than ever to understand his perceptions of this relationship... I knew there was something in the air that I had to figure out now.
- - -
When my shift finally ended I came straight to my locker to find that Giry had received my message and wasn't mad at me, and to call after 9:30.
Of course, I did. The time couldn't come sooner. She could practically tell that I had not had human interaction (of the normal kind) for days. "I thought for sure that you and Mariam were on the same side," I took our conversation to, quickly. Why not think so?
"Same side of-... Oh, no... Mariam was mad, I was just worried, and only after he wanted you to stay overnight-"
"She's still mad."
"What?"
"I thought she would've told you, or something..."
"No... She's been really quiet in math."
"Hh." I don't know why, but I had this growing suspicion that she was actually mad at Giry too.
"...Seems like everyone's been quiet lately..." An awkward silence fell over us. "I got your message from that morning... I meant to reply I just had a SHIT-ton of stuff to do for AP Art History."
"Oh! ...That's okay." Nevermind what assumptions I was making.
"It sounds like you had a... wonderful time with him."
"...I did." Awkward still. "And I have never seen someone... use an umbrella like that before."
"What?! Hahahaha!"
"Let's just say... gates are no hindrance for him."
"Okay. I'll take your word for it."
It seemed to me she was doing something, perhaps taking the time out for me after a long day. Considering how I had been feeling the past two days, or maybe four, I realized I couldn't forget how lucky I was to still have a normal friendship with her, without the fights. I collected my words nervously and took a breath.
"...I'm sorry how I acted when you were worried."
"That's okay," she said very quickly after.
"Are you sure about that?"
"I'm just paranoid with guys. Any guy, not just guys with masks!..." I smiled. "Ugh... I've just had some experiences, and so have my friends, and when a guy's horny, he'll deal with it in the most ridiculous ways and it put me in the defense mode when he was acting like all you were going to do was go out to dinner, and then last minute it's to stay the night."
"I wasn't expecting him to ask me either. I can really see how it looked."
"I just remember you used to be really unsure about being around him since you couldn't make out what type of roleplay it was, but... I mean, I know you're not stupid." She paused, with faint sounds on the other end of papers shuffling. "At the time I just wasn't sure what to say and I figured if anything weird was going on, I could get you to admit it. Because if he was pressuring you, I would've seriously gone in there and been like... 'chill. Christine needs to go home now.'" I laughed but secretly I wasn't sure if we were on the same page anymore. Who he was and the "Phantom" persona the Giry girls saw had been splitting since day one.
"... He treats me very well," was all I thought fit to add.
"...I'm glad he does."
"...and I was nervous, even considering. He asked me and I felt really put on the spot and I was scared. N-Not scared like I thought something was going to happen to me, just scared that I was actually staying, and 'oh god, what are we going to do?!'" This made her laugh. "In the end nothing happened. I didn't want it to and he... he was just fine. That's been proof to me that he's a lot more trustworthy than he's given credit. But... Meg..." I realized around her I was getting back into the habit of calling her that. "It's like she didn't even care that nothing happened - just the part where I put him in a spot where he could be both a good person and a bad."
We both thought about this in silence for a long time before she had something to say again.
"...You're probably not going to like this suggestion..."
"...What is it?"
"Well..." She sighed first, which just made me more curious and even nervous about it. "You've been at this roleplay for... what? Since Halloween? Beforehand? So... it's been a while. And when it started off it wasn't a big deal. Mariam thought it was weird, but... she tolerated it because... it was just a roleplay and we were all clearly ourselves. Okay, she didn't agree to be Meg, but still. And... the Phantom... you know, he was just that creepy guy, and we were all going along with it. But... things are different now. You can't deny that."
"I know..."
"You don't just get 'mysterious' notes from him anymore, or emails... You go out with him. You stay the night with him, and that's a lot bigger. That's a bigger jump to make when he's still a stranger."
I knew this - it was the exact logic I would argue, and yet it didn't matter. It almost made me more willing to take the chance.
"He knows you," she continued, "and I know you, and I know you're the one doing this. You're Christine, but he's just... he's not giving you anything. So from that angle I can see why Mariam would be feeling like it's too much. It doesn't matter if you reassure her because... He's just not being fair. Eventually you have to know who he is."
Why? Was my very first reactionary thought.
"It's not like you'll just keep roleplaying until you're both sick of it and then he'll just disappear forever. You know. He's a person too; he obviously lives around here. He wants to get to know you... I know it sort of ruins part of him being The Phantom... But it's for safety and it's just something to fall back on."
"...I don't think it would help," I said after a long pause.
"What?" Giry seemed a little confused. I didn't blame her.
"Well we always thought it would be... essentially... figuring out the truth if we could unmask him, or find out his name. I don't have a lot of faith in that anymore... Meeting him in person isn't going to make him easier to understand."
"You mean his... his personality...Well I was going to say... If we did know who he was, he couldn't use being anonymous to do... things he shouldn't. That's all. I mean, if he's complicated enough to make the roleplay interesting either way, you might as well find out who he is."
I ran out of words, momentarily. I thought I had the confidence to piece something ambiguous together but my blank continued.
My dad suddenly appeared in the door frame. "Do you need to use that?"
"Huh?" I replied, dumbly.
"The computer?" He reiterated.
"Oh," ... "Uh, Giry! My dad wants me out of the study. I'll have to call you back."
We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone on the way out. Maybe it was just my conscience, but I felt a shared confusion with my dad about why I had hung up on her just to leave the room, cellphone in my hands all the way down the hall and stairs, and beside me as I put a mint tea bag into a cup of hot water.
Never did call her back.
- - -
I don't know how I made it out another night, but I was able to return to him and return the book. It was spectacular deja vu to find him across the street again, waiting for me, as always, to do anything for me. And this time he was well rested. A little too well rested - he was trying to confuse me while we were walking through a batch of trees. When his back was turned it was nearly impossible to make him out in the dark and then suddenly I would almost run right into him. I think he was trying to make me run into him, because when it worked, I got grabbed.
Nevermind that I had no idea where we were. He had parked the car we had taken, a black one, which really threw me off, at the curb and we were approaching the back of a building. His hand reached the handle of a door but had some sort of struggle with it, retrieving something from his pocket, before it opened, and I became very suspicious when he held my hand and whispered "hurry." He locked it right behind us as we entered this room, this room I knew we were not supposed to be in, and suddenly I was tugged through it and out another door, speed walking along a hallway, not very well lit.
"You weren't supposed to do that, were you?" I harshly whispered. It got very frustrating that he didn't always react when I asked him questions, unless you count making a sharp turn and taking me up a flight of stairs.
We were at center of two red halls when I realized immediately we were in a godamn hotel. This prompted my most sincere confusion of the past few nights. He still had my hand, so when he started down a hall, I went with him, reluctantly. "Are you even going to answer me?" His pace slowed so he could look at me, thoroughly, for his response.
"No, I wasn't supposed to do that. Should we go back?" My brow fell.
"No, but for future reference, there is probably a front door."
"Yes, and probably a lovely group of staff keeping us from going where I would like us to." He smiled and pulled me into an elevator. He may have succeeded in winning me over at the moment, but I wouldn't soon forget he had picked a lock. Those are never one-time things.
The doors closed as he leaned against the railing, facing me. "You said it would be a good story to tell to be stuck in an elevator with me," he suddenly spoke, very confidently. The floor began to move and I darted my eyes around.
"I did..." I trailed.
"Would you really like for that to happen?"
To be continued...
In the final I'm also going to add more thought about Giry's proposal strung throughout her experience with Erik. Right now it was just leading up to a decision!
Also, look what I made! I downloaded an icon maker because I wanted that rose logo for a folder. Oh gosh. ♥
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