Alright, then... update... update... update...
*sips iced coffee, which is all that saves me from slipping away*
Another day that seems like it's been wasted to having my brain twisted by this coat pattern. I am not a smart person, and I insist upon it every time someone suggests that I am for doing these things. My projects are like ten monkeys taking ten years to change a lightbulb, I've been saying. Today, ten monkeys struggled fruitlessly. I mean, OKAY, the collar was finalized yesterday, so there's that. I did cut out all the rest of the lace pieces and get my wax paper ready to do the glue for the collar, but I've realized I need more sea glass, and in a different shade of blue. Back to Michaels ugh
And I did edit the front and back side panels below the waist, since they were being weird, but then I ran out of pattern paper and couldn't map out the increasingly complex mathematical nightmare that is the pleat plans I came up with. I am so scared they will turn out wrong. I am so scared of a repeat of Hatter's tailcoat where the back doesn't look good because I didn't cater it well enough to the particular curves of my backside and so it just kind of hangs off me, rather than tucking and flowing as it should.
What is lovely is that I talked to someone on tumblr who also cosplays Jareth and we geeked out the fabric of the original, and compared notes about what we thought we saw, and what kind of fabrics out there might be suitable. She notices all the care that's been going into details, and is *so* nice, and so talented herself. She totally recreated his leather vest that he wears for Dance Magic.
Ah... anyway... I'm suffering burnout and haven't focused on anything else, other than I suppose feeding myself and sleeping. I've done self-care, but just not interacted with anyone or gotten back to messages. Pulled a Mariam and practically fell asleep straight out of the tub the other day. I've been sleeping like 10, 12, sometimes 14 hours, which is... suspicious. But again, maybe just burnout.
*sigh*
I wish something nice would happen. Like I don't even know what, but just something. A fun opportunity, a new friend. Life is becoming such a repetitive dead-end. I simply huddle in the corner, trying to shield a tiny flame from blowing out. The flame of "why I think I'm here on this planet"... what is the point of it all for me.
Discovering that I am possibly/likely autistic has simultaneously been helpful and validating, and made me feel less alone... while also making me feel like I have an unfixable defect/handicup... something that will always make life hard for me, always keep good things away/make me have to work harder than I have the energy for, and perhaps still for nothing. It has made me worry that it means my perspective isn't relatable, and my voice isn't one the world wants to hear, ever. I used to think I had something to offer, then kept offering it, and having it sit there. Maybe what I have to offer isn't that meaningful or useful, and all these things swirling my head will just simply die with me, and the world will be at no loss. It was just me quietly obsessively thinking about nonsense for several decades, before falling through the cracks.
Anyway, sounds like depression, doesn't it? But I don't feel particularly depressed. I haven't been sad or unmotivated. I feel like these are understandable concerns based on the life I have lived and what I've observed about the world and other people, and that it stands to reason there are lots of things that will make a more fulfilling life unlikely.
They say "well, if you want something, make it happen", but I don't know how? Like if someone could teach me what to do (that was within my power, possible for me to do), I would try to do it. It's like someone saying "you know, if you really wanted to contact aliens, you'd make it happen" and it's like... "okay but I need a lot of expensive technology for that, and I'm not part of NASA, and??? I don't understand how radio technology works, can you teach me?" And they're gone. Or they'd probably say google it.
But really, like, people aren't born knowing how to navigate the world for what they want, even if they desperately want it. I suppose next you could just say some people are stupid, so fine, maybe I'm stupid, and I need that extra help, there are simply not enough cells in my brain firing that can form plans for how to make my dreams come true... do only those who are intelligent and intuitive enough deserve to be happy and fulfilled? This society that believes in independence to the point of spitting on people who need to rely and lean on others, or ask for help, or whose best skills and knowledge aren't enough... makes me sad.
My skills and knowledge aren't enough. I have always needed help, and not gotten it. And I'm out of ideas for what to do, besides what I've always done, and now I just begin to comfort myself as my dreams die. "Well, I will never do x, y, and z, so let's just make sure all my blankets are soft, and I am not too stressed at my boring day job, and I have something to keep me busy".
Sad entry is sad, omg I'm so sorry, Jennifer of the future who will read this and probably still find it relevant.
I hope some day I am proven wrong -- yes, I hope, as I was saying, something nice will happen.
-J
*sips iced coffee, which is all that saves me from slipping away*
Another day that seems like it's been wasted to having my brain twisted by this coat pattern. I am not a smart person, and I insist upon it every time someone suggests that I am for doing these things. My projects are like ten monkeys taking ten years to change a lightbulb, I've been saying. Today, ten monkeys struggled fruitlessly. I mean, OKAY, the collar was finalized yesterday, so there's that. I did cut out all the rest of the lace pieces and get my wax paper ready to do the glue for the collar, but I've realized I need more sea glass, and in a different shade of blue. Back to Michaels ugh
And I did edit the front and back side panels below the waist, since they were being weird, but then I ran out of pattern paper and couldn't map out the increasingly complex mathematical nightmare that is the pleat plans I came up with. I am so scared they will turn out wrong. I am so scared of a repeat of Hatter's tailcoat where the back doesn't look good because I didn't cater it well enough to the particular curves of my backside and so it just kind of hangs off me, rather than tucking and flowing as it should.
What is lovely is that I talked to someone on tumblr who also cosplays Jareth and we geeked out the fabric of the original, and compared notes about what we thought we saw, and what kind of fabrics out there might be suitable. She notices all the care that's been going into details, and is *so* nice, and so talented herself. She totally recreated his leather vest that he wears for Dance Magic.
Ah... anyway... I'm suffering burnout and haven't focused on anything else, other than I suppose feeding myself and sleeping. I've done self-care, but just not interacted with anyone or gotten back to messages. Pulled a Mariam and practically fell asleep straight out of the tub the other day. I've been sleeping like 10, 12, sometimes 14 hours, which is... suspicious. But again, maybe just burnout.
*sigh*
I wish something nice would happen. Like I don't even know what, but just something. A fun opportunity, a new friend. Life is becoming such a repetitive dead-end. I simply huddle in the corner, trying to shield a tiny flame from blowing out. The flame of "why I think I'm here on this planet"... what is the point of it all for me.
Discovering that I am possibly/likely autistic has simultaneously been helpful and validating, and made me feel less alone... while also making me feel like I have an unfixable defect/handicup... something that will always make life hard for me, always keep good things away/make me have to work harder than I have the energy for, and perhaps still for nothing. It has made me worry that it means my perspective isn't relatable, and my voice isn't one the world wants to hear, ever. I used to think I had something to offer, then kept offering it, and having it sit there. Maybe what I have to offer isn't that meaningful or useful, and all these things swirling my head will just simply die with me, and the world will be at no loss. It was just me quietly obsessively thinking about nonsense for several decades, before falling through the cracks.
Anyway, sounds like depression, doesn't it? But I don't feel particularly depressed. I haven't been sad or unmotivated. I feel like these are understandable concerns based on the life I have lived and what I've observed about the world and other people, and that it stands to reason there are lots of things that will make a more fulfilling life unlikely.
They say "well, if you want something, make it happen", but I don't know how? Like if someone could teach me what to do (that was within my power, possible for me to do), I would try to do it. It's like someone saying "you know, if you really wanted to contact aliens, you'd make it happen" and it's like... "okay but I need a lot of expensive technology for that, and I'm not part of NASA, and??? I don't understand how radio technology works, can you teach me?" And they're gone. Or they'd probably say google it.
But really, like, people aren't born knowing how to navigate the world for what they want, even if they desperately want it. I suppose next you could just say some people are stupid, so fine, maybe I'm stupid, and I need that extra help, there are simply not enough cells in my brain firing that can form plans for how to make my dreams come true... do only those who are intelligent and intuitive enough deserve to be happy and fulfilled? This society that believes in independence to the point of spitting on people who need to rely and lean on others, or ask for help, or whose best skills and knowledge aren't enough... makes me sad.
My skills and knowledge aren't enough. I have always needed help, and not gotten it. And I'm out of ideas for what to do, besides what I've always done, and now I just begin to comfort myself as my dreams die. "Well, I will never do x, y, and z, so let's just make sure all my blankets are soft, and I am not too stressed at my boring day job, and I have something to keep me busy".
Sad entry is sad, omg I'm so sorry, Jennifer of the future who will read this and probably still find it relevant.
I hope some day I am proven wrong -- yes, I hope, as I was saying, something nice will happen.
-J
Current Mood: 
indifferent
indifferentLeave a comment