I have been rather discouraged lately.

In the sense that, once again, it feels like no matter how I try to break free of stagnancy, I exert myself a lot without getting anywhere. In my eyes, this isn't madness, because I'm not trying the same things over again expecting different results... but it sure as shit feels like it.

I've spent an more time on Tumblr than I'd ever care to, and followed maybe 20-25 new blogs. I joined something like eight different discords, a couple for each topic (Phantom, Japanese, Disney, Alice)... and none is very active or engaging. I joined an Alice in Wonderland collection/trading group on FB.

During all of this, I realized that it's majority teenagers in these domains, so not people I'm wanting to be friends with, no offense to them. Though I accidentally called a teenager "hot" in a Phantom discord because they posted a picture of themselves covered head to toe in a costume and I honestly couldn't tell and was just trying to be complimentary... so that was awkward. Having minors around kind of feels like a field of landmines, and they're not relatable, and more and more the spaces I'm trying to interact in don't feel like they're "for me" anymore.

There was also a weird few hours I had at the tail end of my last weekend, when there had been so much silence and alienization after all those efforts that it kind of felt like I was not part of reality anymore. Even sticking my head out the front door to escape the dead-silent living room, the fresh air and sounds of activity in the nearby parking lot weren't reaching me in the same way. My friend said it sounded like her episodes of depersonalization, but it was not that extreme - just slightly jarring and hella depressing.

I don't think I'm going to get that job, either, since it's been... 18 days and I've not heard back. There have been some people who have been telling me to just "keep applying" to positions that are similar, and I was like "that was IT. That was the first time in years that I have seen something that fits me; there are no similar positions."

* * *

Anyway, I will see a neurologist soon to address my almost daily headaches/migraines. I'm 12% hopeful, but 88% preparing to hear that nobody knows why I'm having these, or that it's stress, and "perhaps therapy will slightly reduce the frequency of them, twenty years from now, if you manage to find a therapist you click with, and after spending all that money you don't have on appointments that would be often enough to be effective."

A therapist: "BTW, what is it that stresses you out, anyway?"

Me: *shrugs* "Being alive, apparently."

Therapist: "Oh, okay. have you tried... not?"

Me: "Have I tried dying?"

Therapist: "Oh wait, no, that's not what I meant. Well, what is it about being alive that's so stressful?"

Me: "These fucking migraines are what's stressful. And being alone so often, without close connections or a sense of belonging. Life is just not comprised of very meaningful experiences for me: it's mostly meh or unpleasant, unless I stir myself into a numbing enough obsession. Basically I have to try to not participate in reality as hard as I can, and retreat into my brain. There is still some magic and wonder in there."

Therapist: "Well have you tried... making close connections and belonging?"

Me: "..................................................................."

Therapist: *tilts head*

Me: "Yes, but the world does not seem to want me to have those things. People I want to connect with don't want to connect with me, or don't exist, and places where I would belong don't want me there, or don't exist. It seems like I won't find peace until I stop wanting or expecting those things to be happy. Like, if I could just find a way to contradict the human state of being, and not require closeness or meaning in what I do. Do you think that's possible?"

Therapist: "No."

Me: "Well unless you have a better idea... damnit, that's what I'm going to try."

Therapist: "Well maybe you're actually afraid of trying for those things. Maybe you are inhibited in some way, guarded." <-- what the last therapist I talked to was suspecting, based on very little knowledge about me

Me: "You're wrong. It's everyone and everything else that is inhibited, guarded, insecure, fickle... and highly mysterious."