I wish I could get back to LJ, I really do, I just don't know what to post here anymore.

I mean, there is seriously nothing that I have accomplished all year besides a story I wrote for Jenna that she has never even commented on, let alone seen, for all I know. After that, I really just lost the will to do anything else, and then I was swept into faux-love with a fucking Borderline who took up all my time and head space, even after he crushed my soul into the ground and sent me into a depression WITHIN depression. Still not untangled from that situation and expecting more shit in the future, but doing better than just keeping my face above water, which is more than I could say about last month. I don't want to talk about the past couple months, though, so let's just not. Rather list good things.

Hm, summer's ending - that's good. It'll be back to sweaters and tea, which usually help get the juices flowing.

I'm eating a little bit better? That is good too. I plummetted to 88lbs but have slowly climbed back up and hope to gain more.

My friends (although they are all long distance, and in person I just sit in front of a screen all day) have stepped up and been awesome during all this, which I couldn't be more grateful for. It's hard being physically alone all day, but they do the best they can.

I make a lot more money than I did working two jobs. Was busting my ass for about $900 or $1000/month, and now it's close to $1500 from one job and a hell of a lot of tips. I even have money saved, some of which I may use to spoil myself in some way soon, but I'm in no hurry to throw it in any direction and money does not burn a hole in my pocket, so it will be a well-thought out investment. :)

I also picked up a new hobby, which I will explain in an entirely new section because it's going to get long. However, please don't laugh at me! I've been studying tarot.

NO, I didn't start believing in gods or any other wooOOoo, but I guess the tight quarters my brain was in as a skeptic were getting too... erm, tight. I was forcing myself to be as adament and unswayed as some of my favorite people (Penn & Teller, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Neil deGrasse Tyson, etc. etc.),  but forcing it wasn't helping me feel that all matters had been settled, especially not the subject of less destructive spiritual outlooks and practices. (And "No god" does not necessarily mean "no anything".)

There are many ridiculous things of the metaphysical/pagan/wiccan persuasion, things I would never be able to consider with a straight face (remember my former friend believed in literal fairies), but~... I don't know. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm drawn to other aspects, and I don't even know why, and perhaps my involvement with them is just for the placebo effect, which I figure is harmless as long as I don't let things like divination run my life. I mean, I was on a tarot forum and some girl was talking about how her boyfriend broke up with her because he had somehow deciphered that he would be meeting "the real love of his life" later that year. What the fuck!

Some people think there are literal spirit guides lining up the cards so certain messages will come through, whereas others just believe that you will draw cards that help you frame your issue and draw conclusions from it. Your drawing prompts you to expand your perspective on whatever it is you're asking about, to put other lenses on top of it that wouldn't have been your first or second inclinations. (Maybe you do a spread feeling angry or victimized, and are prompted to consider other layers to the situation, or adopt other attitudes towards it that will help you.) Of course, that begs the question: why do you need cards to do that? Why don't you just have a good old talk with a galpal and sort it through?

That's where things get a little fuzzy for me, because I've been hearing near constant advice from everyone I know about how to deal with what's been going on with me, and it's turned into a wall of voices that make plenty of sense, and yet my heart can feel like a stick facing the flow of the stream. I'm almost always comforted and provided insight when I talk to friends, but there is a unique kind of comfort/insight that manifests when I draw tarot cards, because they prompt me to see things in certain ways without disregarding or deeming inappropriate any of the feelings I have on the subject. For example, everyone in my life wants me to come on board with them and believe that my ex is 100% asshole and I just wasn't able to see it, and I shouldn't have a care in the world for him anymore. As well meaning as they are, this is a very alienating -- and persistent -- aspect of the conversations I've had.

And when I say fuzzy, I also mean that I have never been able to fully shake off that there is such thing as fate, and that maybe the draw that we have towards certain things is felt for a reason. If I draw the cards, then I was meant to see those cards. It sounds silly now that I'm writing it down - reminds me of this:



hahahahah

Well, I couldn't fully explain why I'm doing this, but it's fun to me and it's given me something to do. Whatever.

-J