I don't know what else to say except it was fun to come back, and the favorite quotes speak for the chapter well, just as all of my favorite quote sections tend to do. ;)
Oh, but when I was trying to read Cosmo's finalized dating video to my mom, I was cracking up the whole way through.
CRYSTAL PALACE 4 – Part 2 – The Sex Patron
INT. KITCHEN. EARLY MORNING.
The scene opens with Jennifer in the kitchen, dressed for work and eying the clock as she sips her coffee. She glances down the hall and sets her cup down, then heads for the stairs. The camera follows her as she climbs them and pauses at the entrance to her bedroom, where an obvious lump is beneath the sheets. Behind it, there are clothes on the lampshade and empty bottles littering the bedside table. She sits down on her side of the bed and flings away the sheets. Akira is face-planted in the mattress, still as a corpse. She shakes his shoulder unsuccessfully. A second time results in a moan. Upon the third, her husband turns his face to her without opening his eyes.
AKIRA
Whaaaat?
She pauses, stands, and abruptly yanks a nearby curtain string, plunging Akira into harsh sunlight. He covers his eyes and moans even louder.
AKIRA
You bitch! You know that hurts like a motherfucker!
JENNIFER
Good! Have I got your attention? I want to talk to you. Before you've had a chance to leave reality.
AKIRA
I'm way ahead of you, Jennifer.
He pulls a wine bottle from under the covers and attempts to open it. When Jennifer snatches it away, he bursts into a sitting position.
AKIRA
Hey! What gives you the right to take away a man's Riesling?!
The sudden arm swishing sends an offensive odor in his wife's direction, and he's still wearing one of her bras. She rubs her face with her free hand.
JENNIFER
Well I don't know. There was that thing about being your wife.
AKIRA
Yeah well, isn't a wife supposed to be committed to my happiness?
Akira kicks the sheets off of him and stretches on the other side of the bed. He's completely naked below the waist. Jennifer stands there with the bottle in her hand, keeping it a certain distance from her.
JENNIFER
I'm committed to you more than you're aware, or have ever been aware. But if you keep pushing it I may decide to stop. I might call off this whole marriage.
AKIRA
Oh, Jennifer, come on, now. It's too early for feelings and emotions, don't you think?
JENNIFER
I do think! But you leave me no choice. As I said, if I didn't catch you now – hell, if I caught you twenty minutes from now – this bottle would've been empty and you would've been doing God knows what with it in the shower. Surely you know you need one by now.
Akira chuckles.
AKIRA
Hand me the bottle, sugar-pie.
JENNIFER
No. We're discussing “feelings” this morning and you are going to seriously consider what I say.
AKIRA
No, you're going to give me back my wine and make me some pancakes.
Jennifer goes to the window, unlocks the hinge, and slides it open.
AKIRA
Wh-... what are you doing?
She extends the bottle outside the window while making eye contact.
AKIRA
You- Are you crazy?
He asks as if she's about to drop a kitten.
JENNIFER
Find some pants and sit down.
His hands blindly reach in the direction of the walk-in closet and he enters it sideways, keeping an eye on the bottle while pulling some pajama bottoms from a hanger. He puts them on in a rush and stands there.
JENNIFER
I said “sit down”.
He perches himself on the edge of the bed.
JENNIFER
Good.
She drops the wine bottle and comes towards him. Akira returns from noncommittal perching to hostile stance once more, his face contorting into outrage.
AKIRA
What the hell is wrong with you?!
JENNIFER
My husband is an alcoholic!
She tosses her response so immediately that Akira reacts as if it's landed in his face.
AKIRA
You have a lot of nerve bringing that up after all of the serious work I've been doing!
JENNIFER
Akira, you have not been touring with Britney Spears! I've been practically babysitting you the past few weeks while you go off to... Puff the Magic Fucking Dragon Land!
AKIRA
Psh, like I would ever go there. You're really not as clever as I am.
Jennifer crosses her arms.
JENNIFER
Oh, of course. I mean how clever could I be compared to the one who found out our grandfather clock has a built in urinal?
AKIRA
It does?
JENNIFER
You took a dump in an heirloom vase. I had to take it outside to stop the smell from circulating and the bloody sun is already cracking the tiles. That's your mother's. Did you know? It-
AKIRA
-I didn't poop anywhere.
Akira's eyes continue to dart around. Jennifer's roll. When they hear Crystallina downstairs, shouting something indistinct, she goes to close the door.
JENNIFER
You couldn't possibly convince me that that wasn't you because I'm finding poop in other places in the house, too, like that cupboard I never use by the hallway. At first I thought it might be Crystallina trying to get on my nerves, but then I saw you, with my own two eyes. You put poop in there, Akira. You put poop in there and you were very sloppily trying to hide it from me.
Akira furrows his entire face and hovers over Jennifer.
AKIRA
And how in the world is this related to alcohol?!
Jennifer plummets into fluster. She blinks at Akira for a long moment.
JENNIFER
I'll just cut right to the chase, Akira: I want you to go into rehab.
Akira's mouth turns into a big round hole. Nothing is said between them, although both are looking for more. Suddenly the door opens and Crystallina stands there in Disney princess pajamas, tapping her foot.
CRYSTALLINA
Who's gonna make me breakfast around here?!
Jennifer takes a deep breath and turns to her daughter with an insincere smile.
JENNIFER
Honey, you really shouldn't barge in on Mommy and Daddy.
Crystallina notices that Akira is still wearing Jennifer's bra, and she looks on the verge of grabbing him in a state of passion, angry as it may be.
CRYSTALLINA
I thought it was over between you two!
Jennifer inhales but closes her mouth and widens her eyes at Akira.
JENNIFER
Come on, I'll get you some poptarts. In the mean time, go get dressed.
She shuffles Crystallina out of the room and leaves Akira beside himself.
He walks to the window and lets the wind waft over him for a moment before looking down far below him to the wine bottle, which has been caught in the bushes. He's glad it's safe. He squints.
Amy Winehouse's “Rehab” begins. He turns his hips from side to side to the music, jerking his neck forward while miming “NO, NO, NO.” He turns away from the window and lip syncs, then raises his arms in broad sweeps.
He reaches the door and advances down the hallway, swishing from side to side as if he were an ice skater. In the background, Jennifer arrives out of focus with a laundry basket, pausing to survey her husband, then continue into the room.
He takes himself backwards through the corridor and leans over the railing by the stairs as she reemerges. A long shot of the space of the living room and entrance area shows Jennifer coming down the stairs as Akira moves his body to an inaudible source. Once she's out of the way, Akira makes leaps down the stairs, stopping to throw himself halfway over the railing on each side.
A new shot, once Jennifer has left the room, puts us back in the middle of the action, “I know it don't come in a shot glass!” Akira grinds up against the banister. He enters the kitchen and twirls around behind Crystallina as she munches on her breakfast. There's a shot of Jennifer just standing at the island looking at Akira with disdain.
The music is abruptly filtered out again and they can hear Akira going “NO, NO, NO” while dropped to his knees. His body crosses the room, switching from front to back as he twirls. Meanwhile, Jennifer rushes Crystallina into the garage in the foreground. The camera eases backwards into the darkness of the garage as Jennifer and Crystallina enter it, and when Jennifer closes the door the view inside the house disappears and Akira's singing is muffled.
Akira continues in blissful ignorance until the end of the song, when he raises his hands in front of the sliding glass door. The rays of the sun brighten the red color of Jennifer's bra which is still fastened around his chest.
A shot of a neighbor proceeds, witnessing the display from an adjacent yard's porch.
Abrupt cut into next scene.
INT. HOUSE ENTRYWAY. LATER THAT DAY.
Behind the front door, someone sounding remarkably like Akira is shouting something incomprehensible. The sound of a key in the lock follows and Jennifer enters, making way for Akira, who's lead inside by a policeman. His hands are in cuffs and the cop grips his shoulder as he wails on about his constitutional rights. Jennifer buries her face in her hands.
AKIRA
And another thing! Why'ds't matter that I peed in front of orphans?! I mean d-doesn't the fact that, the fact that they don't have parents mean that- that they have to pee outside, too?!
JENNIFER
They're orphans, Akira, not homeless drug-addicts. Oh, why am I even explaining this to you?
She covers her face again when Akira gives her a confused glare. He continues to struggle with the officer, who's considerably shorter than him. Akira has noticed this and attempts, unsuccessfully, to elbow him in the face.
OFFICER
Is there some place I can put him where he's not going to do something stupid?
JENNIFER
No. But just sit him in that chair.
She gestures vaguely behind her. Akira drops into the recliner and proceeds to shoot dagger eyes at the officer.
AKIRA
Boy, I could really use a- a drink right about now, 'cept... Montgomery here... thinks everybody should be aware how, how-
OFFICER
I don't know why he thinks my name is Montgomery.
The officer his hands to Jennifer, who shakes her head in embarrassment.
AKIRA
-don't know what it's like when your daughter wants to have SEXXX.
OFFICER
Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there's a very slim chance your husband won't be given government-mandated rehabilitation.
JENNIFER
Really? Great. Sign the papers.
He pauses before taking out a report. He glances at Akira, who's still giving him a drunken treatment.
JENNIFER
He won't go anywhere.
The officer continues scrawling the report, then hands Jennifer a copy and tips his hat.
OFFICER
Sorry this couldn't be a better day-
JENNIFER
Oh, no, thanks a bunch.
She holds her copy like a winning lottery ticket. Suddenly Akira dashes between the two of them and out the front door. They scramble in his path, Jennifer calling for him.
INT. RESTAURANT. SAME TIME.
In the foreground, an open door floods light into a hallway. At the end of it, Cosmo is leaning into the front counter and looking around, watching cars pass outside the windows, and bussers casually making their way to tables off screen. Cosmo's eyes land on an air conditioner, which is blasting away and sending cold air in his direction. He smiles and notes the jolly sweaters people are wearing in the cafe, even in June. Fresh baked cookies are being brought to the glass case a ways down the counter. We cut back to the hall area.
MANAGER (O.S.)
Okay, come on in!
Cosmo takes a deep breath and stalks down the hallway while smoothing the wrinkles out of his clothes. When he enters the office, he's charmed by its homey size. There's a rug and paintings of cottages on the walls. Sunlight from the window behind the manager's desk is bathing potted flowers on the sill. The manager is a slightly pudgy man of about fifty in a comfortable looking button-down sweater. As Cosmo sits down, he balls up a napkin and throws it in the bin, then reaches to shake his hand. Cosmo obliges.
MANAGER
Hello, nice to meet you, my name's Quellini, Ronald Quellini.
COSMO
Mr. Quellini. Hi, I'm Cosmo.
MANAGER
Sorry for making you wait out there. I just haven't had a bite to eat all morning.
COSMO
Oh, it's no problem at all. I know how busy the restaurant business can be.
MANAGER
Oh, you do? Because when I was looking over this resume, it looked like you'd never stepped foot in a restaurant.
Cosmo struggles for words when the manager suddenly bursts into laughter.
MANAGER
I'm just messing around with you. I'll let you explain yourself.
COSMO
Eheheh, oh, well, um, it's true I've only had two jobs before, but my first was really an all-purpose type of job-
MANAGER
Right, yes, I can see that. I'm not really sure I understand what you mean by a “servant”.
COSMO
Well I realize, here, that they are few and far between, but I was, in fact, a servant for an aristocratic family. My hours were usually five in the morning to eleven or midnight, I did spend a lot of time in the kitchen, although I was not a cook myself-
MANAGER
Was this a large aristocratic family? How many did you have to feed in a day?
COSMO
Well, just one, but--
MANAGER
Is there someone I can call who would say you weren't just making up a bunch of exotic bullshit to get a job?
COSMO
I-I-I'm not making any of it up, sir. However, I don't think there's anyone available to speak with you. You'll have to take my word for it, and I certainly hope you do.
MANAGER
Well there's no reason to. You look like kind of a shady fellow, to be honest.
COSMO
I beg your pardon?
MANAGER
Shifty eyes, blue hair, no citizenship...
COSMO
I have my green card, thank you.
MANAGER
Are you trying to throw me for the loop?
COSMO
No, I most certainly am not!
Cosmo has leaned halfway over the table at him by now, but Mr. Quellini bubbles with laughter.
MANAGER
I like you. You're hired.
Cosmo does not move for a moment. He calmly takes a seat.
MANAGER
Now tell me a little more about yourself. You were a telemarketer?
COSMO
Yes. I...I had half of my soul destroyed by soliciting poor people at home to pitch inane products and time-share programs. I did develop quite a tough skin, however, dealing with people who are assured, even as you say hello, that you will be visiting the deepest circle of hell. I figured a restaurant would be a step up.
Mr. Quellini laughs all over the place again.
MANAGER
Let's hope so, Cosmo. Let's hope so.
COSMO
Yes, I do hope so – I-I mean I know so. This looks like a very nice place, and I'm happy to know I'm hired because when I got the call for the interview, I flat out quit telemarketing for good. This is all I've got now and I aim to do my best.
MANAGER
Good to know – that type of desperation is my favorite trait in new employees. Then I know I can keep them forever and don't have to hear any lip, you know?
COSMO
Uhh... uhh... ahahah! Oh yes, I'm sure.
Cosmo winks, but Mr. Querelli's face is completely straight.
COSMO
W-where do I sign?
The manager slaps down a stack of papers and pulls a red pen out of nowhere with a fat red feather attached, shoving it towards Cosmo's end of the table with a toothy smile. Cosmo tries to return the gesture and reaches for the pen.
CUT TO: Cosmo leaving the restaurant being personally sent off by his new manager, who reminds him to be there Tuesday morning. Cosmo hops into his car and drives just a ways down the street before he enters his complex and stops in front of the mailboxes. He opens up his box and discovers a new package. He beams when he sees it and puts it on his lap so he can drive the rest of the way.
CUT TO: His living room. He opens the front door and tears open the package while heading straight for the DVD player. He puts in the disc, and a cheesy menu appears on the screen that reads “Cosmo's dating video” in fun blue letters and has a picture of his face. Optimistically, he presses the “play” button with particular vigor.
We see his face grinning from ear to ear as the glowing pictures of the screen flash over him.
COSMO (O.S.)
(in the video)
Oh, hi, didn't see you there! It's very nice to meet you. My name is Cosmo. I'm 27 years young and looking for a lady. As your potential date, I feel I could charm you in many ways. In the past year, I've taken an immense interest in COCKS.
Cosmo's lips quiver into a frown when he hears an electronic dubbing voice end his sentence.
COSMO (O.S.)
(in the video)
It's actually my dream to have my own GAY ORGY some day.
We see the screen as his video cuts to Cosmo in the kitchen, holding up the zucchini.
COSMO
(in the video)
Here I have a PENIS...of considerable size.
Cosmo slaps his hands to his face; they stretch down his skin as he watches in confusion and horror.
COSMO
(in the video)
I haven't really decided what I'm going to do with it yet. I could whip up some delicious SEX bread. I could also make a scrumptious SEX casserole. The possibilities are truly endless.
As Cosmo gets up and paces, the video continues.
COSMO
(in the video)
What am I looking for in a partner? As a patron of SEX, I hope to find someone who also finds beauty in creation of all sorts. I certainly have a penchant for sisters doing it TO themselves, as it were.
Cosmo attempts to cover his ears as he searches for his phone book, but can't help from overhearing once he's flipping through the pages.
COSMO
(in the video)
Someone with a great sense of ORGASM would do nicely. On our first date, we would attend a symphony at the ADULT VIDEO STORE downtown. Instead of going to some posh, pricey restaurant, we could return to my home where I would gladly EAT OUT YOUR TINKLE-TACO.
He shoots in the direction of the screen.
COSMO
What the fuck!
INT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER'S, DINING ROOM. EVENING.
Jennifer and Crystallina are alone at the dinner table, sitting far away from each other. Above them are a bunch of thuds and wails, but Jennifer breaks some bread and Crystallina disinterestedly stirs her soup. Jennifer very properly blots her mouth with a napkin and lays both hands on the table. She says to her daughter with practiced ease:
JENNIFER
Crystallina, your father's going to rehab.
Crystallina stops her stirring and raises her eyebrow.
JENNIFER
It's a place where mommys and daddys go when they lose control of their lives.
CRYSTALLINA
I know what rehab is.
JENNIFER
Well, good. Then you know that you won't be seeing much of him for the next few months. He needs to be removed from the situation that causes him to drink in the first place, which, according to Daddy, is his only family who just wants him to be happy.
Crystallina glares.
CRYSTALLINA
Don't bunch me in with you. Are you insinuating something about the handling of our breakup?
JENNIFER
No.
CRYSTALLINA
I did what I had to. Don't you think it hurts me?!
JENNIFER
I have no opinion about this, actually.
Crystallina drops her spoon and leans back in her chair, looking thoughtful.
JENNIFER
I'll add that we can talk about how you feel about Daddy being away whenever you're comfortable, but there's another thing you need to know: Cosmo's going to watch over you when I go to work, and during most of Daddy's appointments.
Crystallina's eyes return to her mother with a bulging quality about them.
CRYSTALLINA
What?
JENNIFER
...Well it was either him or musical babysitters.
CRYSTALLINA
Musical babysitters sounds like more fun to me.
JENNIFER
Well it doesn't seem like fun to me. I'm paying Cosmo to put up with your crap all summer long, and I've sufficiently blackmailed him so he doesn't back out of it. And, frankly, I'm sick of you antagonizing him. You can use this opportunity to get along with him.
CRYSTALLINA
Get along with an adulterer?! Perhaps you would, but I have a thing called dignity.
Jennifer takes a deep breath.
JENNIFER
I hadn't realized you knew as much.
Crystallina gives her a quick, impatient smirk.
JENNIFER
But that really doesn't change anything. We both know you hate a lot of people, but he's here to stay and you're not old enough to stay home alone. And while he's here, I expect you not to make things difficult for him. You got it? No name-calling, no dumping out his cooking, no getting the police involved.
CRYSTALLINA
Aw, but that last one is so fun, Mommy.
JENNIFER
Bailing people out of jail isn't cheap, Crystallina. Mommy and Daddy don't have the finances, especially with Daddy incapacitated, for you to keep having your uncle arrested. If it happens again, we might even have to leave him there.
CRYSTALLINA
Why is that a problem? Isn't prison where he's belonged this entire time?
JENNIFER
It's a problem because Cosmo is not a criminal, and he doesn't deserve to be put through this trauma. And before you say it – there is no proof that he's a pedophile.
CRYSTALLINA
But-
JENNIFER
That's enough. Now eat your dinner.
Crystallina takes a long moment to stare at her mother, squint, pick up her spoon, and twirl it thoughtfully. Jennifer resumes with her food entirely, but Crystallina can't help but smile to herself.
Favorite Quotes
Oh, but when I was trying to read Cosmo's finalized dating video to my mom, I was cracking up the whole way through.
CRYSTAL PALACE 4 – Part 2 – The Sex Patron
INT. KITCHEN. EARLY MORNING.
The scene opens with Jennifer in the kitchen, dressed for work and eying the clock as she sips her coffee. She glances down the hall and sets her cup down, then heads for the stairs. The camera follows her as she climbs them and pauses at the entrance to her bedroom, where an obvious lump is beneath the sheets. Behind it, there are clothes on the lampshade and empty bottles littering the bedside table. She sits down on her side of the bed and flings away the sheets. Akira is face-planted in the mattress, still as a corpse. She shakes his shoulder unsuccessfully. A second time results in a moan. Upon the third, her husband turns his face to her without opening his eyes.
AKIRA
Whaaaat?
She pauses, stands, and abruptly yanks a nearby curtain string, plunging Akira into harsh sunlight. He covers his eyes and moans even louder.
AKIRA
You bitch! You know that hurts like a motherfucker!
JENNIFER
Good! Have I got your attention? I want to talk to you. Before you've had a chance to leave reality.
AKIRA
I'm way ahead of you, Jennifer.
He pulls a wine bottle from under the covers and attempts to open it. When Jennifer snatches it away, he bursts into a sitting position.
AKIRA
Hey! What gives you the right to take away a man's Riesling?!
The sudden arm swishing sends an offensive odor in his wife's direction, and he's still wearing one of her bras. She rubs her face with her free hand.
JENNIFER
Well I don't know. There was that thing about being your wife.
AKIRA
Yeah well, isn't a wife supposed to be committed to my happiness?
Akira kicks the sheets off of him and stretches on the other side of the bed. He's completely naked below the waist. Jennifer stands there with the bottle in her hand, keeping it a certain distance from her.
JENNIFER
I'm committed to you more than you're aware, or have ever been aware. But if you keep pushing it I may decide to stop. I might call off this whole marriage.
AKIRA
Oh, Jennifer, come on, now. It's too early for feelings and emotions, don't you think?
JENNIFER
I do think! But you leave me no choice. As I said, if I didn't catch you now – hell, if I caught you twenty minutes from now – this bottle would've been empty and you would've been doing God knows what with it in the shower. Surely you know you need one by now.
Akira chuckles.
AKIRA
Hand me the bottle, sugar-pie.
JENNIFER
No. We're discussing “feelings” this morning and you are going to seriously consider what I say.
AKIRA
No, you're going to give me back my wine and make me some pancakes.
Jennifer goes to the window, unlocks the hinge, and slides it open.
AKIRA
Wh-... what are you doing?
She extends the bottle outside the window while making eye contact.
AKIRA
You- Are you crazy?
He asks as if she's about to drop a kitten.
JENNIFER
Find some pants and sit down.
His hands blindly reach in the direction of the walk-in closet and he enters it sideways, keeping an eye on the bottle while pulling some pajama bottoms from a hanger. He puts them on in a rush and stands there.
JENNIFER
I said “sit down”.
He perches himself on the edge of the bed.
JENNIFER
Good.
She drops the wine bottle and comes towards him. Akira returns from noncommittal perching to hostile stance once more, his face contorting into outrage.
AKIRA
What the hell is wrong with you?!
JENNIFER
My husband is an alcoholic!
She tosses her response so immediately that Akira reacts as if it's landed in his face.
AKIRA
You have a lot of nerve bringing that up after all of the serious work I've been doing!
JENNIFER
Akira, you have not been touring with Britney Spears! I've been practically babysitting you the past few weeks while you go off to... Puff the Magic Fucking Dragon Land!
AKIRA
Psh, like I would ever go there. You're really not as clever as I am.
Jennifer crosses her arms.
JENNIFER
Oh, of course. I mean how clever could I be compared to the one who found out our grandfather clock has a built in urinal?
AKIRA
It does?
JENNIFER
You took a dump in an heirloom vase. I had to take it outside to stop the smell from circulating and the bloody sun is already cracking the tiles. That's your mother's. Did you know? It-
AKIRA
-I didn't poop anywhere.
Akira's eyes continue to dart around. Jennifer's roll. When they hear Crystallina downstairs, shouting something indistinct, she goes to close the door.
JENNIFER
You couldn't possibly convince me that that wasn't you because I'm finding poop in other places in the house, too, like that cupboard I never use by the hallway. At first I thought it might be Crystallina trying to get on my nerves, but then I saw you, with my own two eyes. You put poop in there, Akira. You put poop in there and you were very sloppily trying to hide it from me.
Akira furrows his entire face and hovers over Jennifer.
AKIRA
And how in the world is this related to alcohol?!
Jennifer plummets into fluster. She blinks at Akira for a long moment.
JENNIFER
I'll just cut right to the chase, Akira: I want you to go into rehab.
Akira's mouth turns into a big round hole. Nothing is said between them, although both are looking for more. Suddenly the door opens and Crystallina stands there in Disney princess pajamas, tapping her foot.
CRYSTALLINA
Who's gonna make me breakfast around here?!
Jennifer takes a deep breath and turns to her daughter with an insincere smile.
JENNIFER
Honey, you really shouldn't barge in on Mommy and Daddy.
Crystallina notices that Akira is still wearing Jennifer's bra, and she looks on the verge of grabbing him in a state of passion, angry as it may be.
CRYSTALLINA
I thought it was over between you two!
Jennifer inhales but closes her mouth and widens her eyes at Akira.
JENNIFER
Come on, I'll get you some poptarts. In the mean time, go get dressed.
She shuffles Crystallina out of the room and leaves Akira beside himself.
He walks to the window and lets the wind waft over him for a moment before looking down far below him to the wine bottle, which has been caught in the bushes. He's glad it's safe. He squints.
Amy Winehouse's “Rehab” begins. He turns his hips from side to side to the music, jerking his neck forward while miming “NO, NO, NO.” He turns away from the window and lip syncs, then raises his arms in broad sweeps.
He reaches the door and advances down the hallway, swishing from side to side as if he were an ice skater. In the background, Jennifer arrives out of focus with a laundry basket, pausing to survey her husband, then continue into the room.
He takes himself backwards through the corridor and leans over the railing by the stairs as she reemerges. A long shot of the space of the living room and entrance area shows Jennifer coming down the stairs as Akira moves his body to an inaudible source. Once she's out of the way, Akira makes leaps down the stairs, stopping to throw himself halfway over the railing on each side.
A new shot, once Jennifer has left the room, puts us back in the middle of the action, “I know it don't come in a shot glass!” Akira grinds up against the banister. He enters the kitchen and twirls around behind Crystallina as she munches on her breakfast. There's a shot of Jennifer just standing at the island looking at Akira with disdain.
The music is abruptly filtered out again and they can hear Akira going “NO, NO, NO” while dropped to his knees. His body crosses the room, switching from front to back as he twirls. Meanwhile, Jennifer rushes Crystallina into the garage in the foreground. The camera eases backwards into the darkness of the garage as Jennifer and Crystallina enter it, and when Jennifer closes the door the view inside the house disappears and Akira's singing is muffled.
Akira continues in blissful ignorance until the end of the song, when he raises his hands in front of the sliding glass door. The rays of the sun brighten the red color of Jennifer's bra which is still fastened around his chest.
A shot of a neighbor proceeds, witnessing the display from an adjacent yard's porch.
Abrupt cut into next scene.
INT. HOUSE ENTRYWAY. LATER THAT DAY.
Behind the front door, someone sounding remarkably like Akira is shouting something incomprehensible. The sound of a key in the lock follows and Jennifer enters, making way for Akira, who's lead inside by a policeman. His hands are in cuffs and the cop grips his shoulder as he wails on about his constitutional rights. Jennifer buries her face in her hands.
AKIRA
And another thing! Why'ds't matter that I peed in front of orphans?! I mean d-doesn't the fact that, the fact that they don't have parents mean that- that they have to pee outside, too?!
JENNIFER
They're orphans, Akira, not homeless drug-addicts. Oh, why am I even explaining this to you?
She covers her face again when Akira gives her a confused glare. He continues to struggle with the officer, who's considerably shorter than him. Akira has noticed this and attempts, unsuccessfully, to elbow him in the face.
OFFICER
Is there some place I can put him where he's not going to do something stupid?
JENNIFER
No. But just sit him in that chair.
She gestures vaguely behind her. Akira drops into the recliner and proceeds to shoot dagger eyes at the officer.
AKIRA
Boy, I could really use a- a drink right about now, 'cept... Montgomery here... thinks everybody should be aware how, how-
OFFICER
I don't know why he thinks my name is Montgomery.
The officer his hands to Jennifer, who shakes her head in embarrassment.
AKIRA
-don't know what it's like when your daughter wants to have SEXXX.
OFFICER
Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there's a very slim chance your husband won't be given government-mandated rehabilitation.
JENNIFER
Really? Great. Sign the papers.
He pauses before taking out a report. He glances at Akira, who's still giving him a drunken treatment.
JENNIFER
He won't go anywhere.
The officer continues scrawling the report, then hands Jennifer a copy and tips his hat.
OFFICER
Sorry this couldn't be a better day-
JENNIFER
Oh, no, thanks a bunch.
She holds her copy like a winning lottery ticket. Suddenly Akira dashes between the two of them and out the front door. They scramble in his path, Jennifer calling for him.
INT. RESTAURANT. SAME TIME.
In the foreground, an open door floods light into a hallway. At the end of it, Cosmo is leaning into the front counter and looking around, watching cars pass outside the windows, and bussers casually making their way to tables off screen. Cosmo's eyes land on an air conditioner, which is blasting away and sending cold air in his direction. He smiles and notes the jolly sweaters people are wearing in the cafe, even in June. Fresh baked cookies are being brought to the glass case a ways down the counter. We cut back to the hall area.
MANAGER (O.S.)
Okay, come on in!
Cosmo takes a deep breath and stalks down the hallway while smoothing the wrinkles out of his clothes. When he enters the office, he's charmed by its homey size. There's a rug and paintings of cottages on the walls. Sunlight from the window behind the manager's desk is bathing potted flowers on the sill. The manager is a slightly pudgy man of about fifty in a comfortable looking button-down sweater. As Cosmo sits down, he balls up a napkin and throws it in the bin, then reaches to shake his hand. Cosmo obliges.
MANAGER
Hello, nice to meet you, my name's Quellini, Ronald Quellini.
COSMO
Mr. Quellini. Hi, I'm Cosmo.
MANAGER
Sorry for making you wait out there. I just haven't had a bite to eat all morning.
COSMO
Oh, it's no problem at all. I know how busy the restaurant business can be.
MANAGER
Oh, you do? Because when I was looking over this resume, it looked like you'd never stepped foot in a restaurant.
Cosmo struggles for words when the manager suddenly bursts into laughter.
MANAGER
I'm just messing around with you. I'll let you explain yourself.
COSMO
Eheheh, oh, well, um, it's true I've only had two jobs before, but my first was really an all-purpose type of job-
MANAGER
Right, yes, I can see that. I'm not really sure I understand what you mean by a “servant”.
COSMO
Well I realize, here, that they are few and far between, but I was, in fact, a servant for an aristocratic family. My hours were usually five in the morning to eleven or midnight, I did spend a lot of time in the kitchen, although I was not a cook myself-
MANAGER
Was this a large aristocratic family? How many did you have to feed in a day?
COSMO
Well, just one, but--
MANAGER
Is there someone I can call who would say you weren't just making up a bunch of exotic bullshit to get a job?
COSMO
I-I-I'm not making any of it up, sir. However, I don't think there's anyone available to speak with you. You'll have to take my word for it, and I certainly hope you do.
MANAGER
Well there's no reason to. You look like kind of a shady fellow, to be honest.
COSMO
I beg your pardon?
MANAGER
Shifty eyes, blue hair, no citizenship...
COSMO
I have my green card, thank you.
MANAGER
Are you trying to throw me for the loop?
COSMO
No, I most certainly am not!
Cosmo has leaned halfway over the table at him by now, but Mr. Quellini bubbles with laughter.
MANAGER
I like you. You're hired.
Cosmo does not move for a moment. He calmly takes a seat.
MANAGER
Now tell me a little more about yourself. You were a telemarketer?
COSMO
Yes. I...I had half of my soul destroyed by soliciting poor people at home to pitch inane products and time-share programs. I did develop quite a tough skin, however, dealing with people who are assured, even as you say hello, that you will be visiting the deepest circle of hell. I figured a restaurant would be a step up.
Mr. Quellini laughs all over the place again.
MANAGER
Let's hope so, Cosmo. Let's hope so.
COSMO
Yes, I do hope so – I-I mean I know so. This looks like a very nice place, and I'm happy to know I'm hired because when I got the call for the interview, I flat out quit telemarketing for good. This is all I've got now and I aim to do my best.
MANAGER
Good to know – that type of desperation is my favorite trait in new employees. Then I know I can keep them forever and don't have to hear any lip, you know?
COSMO
Uhh... uhh... ahahah! Oh yes, I'm sure.
Cosmo winks, but Mr. Querelli's face is completely straight.
COSMO
W-where do I sign?
The manager slaps down a stack of papers and pulls a red pen out of nowhere with a fat red feather attached, shoving it towards Cosmo's end of the table with a toothy smile. Cosmo tries to return the gesture and reaches for the pen.
CUT TO: Cosmo leaving the restaurant being personally sent off by his new manager, who reminds him to be there Tuesday morning. Cosmo hops into his car and drives just a ways down the street before he enters his complex and stops in front of the mailboxes. He opens up his box and discovers a new package. He beams when he sees it and puts it on his lap so he can drive the rest of the way.
CUT TO: His living room. He opens the front door and tears open the package while heading straight for the DVD player. He puts in the disc, and a cheesy menu appears on the screen that reads “Cosmo's dating video” in fun blue letters and has a picture of his face. Optimistically, he presses the “play” button with particular vigor.
We see his face grinning from ear to ear as the glowing pictures of the screen flash over him.
COSMO (O.S.)
(in the video)
Oh, hi, didn't see you there! It's very nice to meet you. My name is Cosmo. I'm 27 years young and looking for a lady. As your potential date, I feel I could charm you in many ways. In the past year, I've taken an immense interest in COCKS.
Cosmo's lips quiver into a frown when he hears an electronic dubbing voice end his sentence.
COSMO (O.S.)
(in the video)
It's actually my dream to have my own GAY ORGY some day.
We see the screen as his video cuts to Cosmo in the kitchen, holding up the zucchini.
COSMO
(in the video)
Here I have a PENIS...of considerable size.
Cosmo slaps his hands to his face; they stretch down his skin as he watches in confusion and horror.
COSMO
(in the video)
I haven't really decided what I'm going to do with it yet. I could whip up some delicious SEX bread. I could also make a scrumptious SEX casserole. The possibilities are truly endless.
As Cosmo gets up and paces, the video continues.
COSMO
(in the video)
What am I looking for in a partner? As a patron of SEX, I hope to find someone who also finds beauty in creation of all sorts. I certainly have a penchant for sisters doing it TO themselves, as it were.
Cosmo attempts to cover his ears as he searches for his phone book, but can't help from overhearing once he's flipping through the pages.
COSMO
(in the video)
Someone with a great sense of ORGASM would do nicely. On our first date, we would attend a symphony at the ADULT VIDEO STORE downtown. Instead of going to some posh, pricey restaurant, we could return to my home where I would gladly EAT OUT YOUR TINKLE-TACO.
He shoots in the direction of the screen.
COSMO
What the fuck!
INT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER'S, DINING ROOM. EVENING.
Jennifer and Crystallina are alone at the dinner table, sitting far away from each other. Above them are a bunch of thuds and wails, but Jennifer breaks some bread and Crystallina disinterestedly stirs her soup. Jennifer very properly blots her mouth with a napkin and lays both hands on the table. She says to her daughter with practiced ease:
JENNIFER
Crystallina, your father's going to rehab.
Crystallina stops her stirring and raises her eyebrow.
JENNIFER
It's a place where mommys and daddys go when they lose control of their lives.
CRYSTALLINA
I know what rehab is.
JENNIFER
Well, good. Then you know that you won't be seeing much of him for the next few months. He needs to be removed from the situation that causes him to drink in the first place, which, according to Daddy, is his only family who just wants him to be happy.
Crystallina glares.
CRYSTALLINA
Don't bunch me in with you. Are you insinuating something about the handling of our breakup?
JENNIFER
No.
CRYSTALLINA
I did what I had to. Don't you think it hurts me?!
JENNIFER
I have no opinion about this, actually.
Crystallina drops her spoon and leans back in her chair, looking thoughtful.
JENNIFER
I'll add that we can talk about how you feel about Daddy being away whenever you're comfortable, but there's another thing you need to know: Cosmo's going to watch over you when I go to work, and during most of Daddy's appointments.
Crystallina's eyes return to her mother with a bulging quality about them.
CRYSTALLINA
What?
JENNIFER
...Well it was either him or musical babysitters.
CRYSTALLINA
Musical babysitters sounds like more fun to me.
JENNIFER
Well it doesn't seem like fun to me. I'm paying Cosmo to put up with your crap all summer long, and I've sufficiently blackmailed him so he doesn't back out of it. And, frankly, I'm sick of you antagonizing him. You can use this opportunity to get along with him.
CRYSTALLINA
Get along with an adulterer?! Perhaps you would, but I have a thing called dignity.
Jennifer takes a deep breath.
JENNIFER
I hadn't realized you knew as much.
Crystallina gives her a quick, impatient smirk.
JENNIFER
But that really doesn't change anything. We both know you hate a lot of people, but he's here to stay and you're not old enough to stay home alone. And while he's here, I expect you not to make things difficult for him. You got it? No name-calling, no dumping out his cooking, no getting the police involved.
CRYSTALLINA
Aw, but that last one is so fun, Mommy.
JENNIFER
Bailing people out of jail isn't cheap, Crystallina. Mommy and Daddy don't have the finances, especially with Daddy incapacitated, for you to keep having your uncle arrested. If it happens again, we might even have to leave him there.
CRYSTALLINA
Why is that a problem? Isn't prison where he's belonged this entire time?
JENNIFER
It's a problem because Cosmo is not a criminal, and he doesn't deserve to be put through this trauma. And before you say it – there is no proof that he's a pedophile.
CRYSTALLINA
But-
JENNIFER
That's enough. Now eat your dinner.
Crystallina takes a long moment to stare at her mother, squint, pick up her spoon, and twirl it thoughtfully. Jennifer resumes with her food entirely, but Crystallina can't help but smile to herself.
AKIRA
You have a lot of nerve bringing that up after all of the serious work I've been doing!
JENNIFER
Akira, you have not been touring with Britney Spears! I've been practically babysitting you the past few weeks while you go off to... Puff the Magic Fucking Dragon Land!
AKIRA
-I didn't poop anywhere.
AKIRA
Why'ds't matter that I peed in front of orphans?! I mean d-doesn't the fact that, the fact that they don't have parents mean that- that they have to pee outside, too?!
"Instead of going to some posh, pricey restaurant, we could return to my home where I would gladly EAT OUT YOUR TINKLE-TACO."
JENNIFER
Bailing people out of jail isn't cheap, Crystallina. Mommy and Daddy don't have the finances, especially with Daddy incapacitated, for you to keep having your uncle arrested.
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