“What in the world were you two doing?”

“Well, Hatter saw a teeny tiny white rabbit disappear into the pile of grapefruits.”

“So I nose-dived in,” Hatter explained. “I thought it might get me out of Wonderland.”

"We won't be having any hanky-panky around here."

"I HAVE TO SERVE THE QUEEN PIE. IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THINGS WORK AROUND HERE."

"I farted on those apples before I gave them to you!"

"It's a star that contains itself. It has won't-power, if you will."

"It's like an invisible, gaseous hamster, running in a wheel for seven centuries, but that time is condensed into a millisecond."

"I don't know what you concocted at home, but if it's made of cardboard, we're certainly not interested. Have a nice day!"

Although he had the voice of Kermit the Frog and a six-pack to out-pack Hatter a million times over, something had always been familiar about him.

They went to the beach to eat at the restaurants and buy whale snow-globes.

But then I went to the theater, used my key on the side door, and climbed the spiral stairs as suggested to me, and I found everything sitting up there as if I had just checked in to a resort.

“If things were not how they are, I'd slap you, Mr. Phantom.”
“Try it. You might be able to get away with it."

"I think what we naturally imitate is as good as natural."

You could say there was a type of command in his eyes, bordering on aquamarine in this light, but it was not like the usual kind I had experienced. It was commanding like a fictitiously high-spirited sea captain. He was reminding me of being in a story, just like Erik, but a story from the farthest end of the library. I just reached for his hand before I could plan to be stubborn.

"You just wait for the drink I get. It's like an iced chai tea with whipped cream in the entire thing.”
“Tea? Since when are you drinking tea?”
“Only this tea!”
“You drink beverages?!” Jeffrey chimed in.

"That dress was very flattering on you. It seemed to be yours.” I removed my hand.

“No – tell me I looked horrible in it so I can give it back without feeling bad—”

“—It was a disaster.”

I smiled and closed the door, but when I saw him smiling back, I couldn't help but sigh. “We lie to each other far too often for me to take that as a proper insult.”

“You look horrible in everything, to be honest.”

“Stop that! You know I don't like it when you're too nice to me.”

“Well, lucky for you, I'm about to become a real asshole."

JENNIFER
I’m not pretending it’s not happening. I just can’t do anything about it.

KATE
Yes, you can; you can make sure he has some time to screw his balls on in the right direction again.

KENGO
I WAS MINISTER OF THE RIGHT! I HAD’A THE BEST HAT OF ANYBODY!

COSMO
I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’ll be able to go to another dance party unless it’s here with the air conditioning cranked up.

KATE
Well, I don’t mind. We could have one in your bedroom.

COSMO
That would be a terrible idea. There’s no room in there at all. We’d be bumping into everything.

KATE
Well… there are a few things I don’t mind bumping into.

COSMO
Uh, would you like to see my painting? It’s the worst thing you’ll ever see, if your tastes are similar to Crystallina’s.

Kate stands up and strides towards him in an almost seductive fashion before standing right over him and taking a look.

KATE
It’s okay.

AKIRA
I can see that you’re here! Now if you’re done, I'd like to go inside and watch Reba, like everyone else does at ten at night!

KATE
She borrowed my Harry Potter hard-bound collection twenty years ago. I didn’t have anything better to do so I thought I’d come get it back.

COSMO
I’m sure that there’s no one else in the world for which she wishes more despair.

JENNIFER
Well that’s lovely, Cosmo. Good for you. I’m certain Kate will outperform Akira in the bedroom by ten-fold. And, Kate... (...) I’ve never gotten a direct review for Cosmo, but my husband mentions him nightly in his sleep, if that’s any indicator.

KATE
Do you want a drink? ‘Cause I’m sure as hell not sharing my milkshake.

COSMO
H-he can suck my fucking balls, you know?!

COSMO
And if there were any god at all, he would be more than certain that a lady’s presence is far overdue in my life. In fact, the continued lack of compensation for my solitude makes me sure there is no one there noticing at all!

CRYSTALLINA
Girls, I must bid you farewell. My tormentor knows the limits by which my husband and I are bound.

CRYSTALLINA
What in the fucking asshole is that?!

ANUS
Frankly, none of my kids like her anymore.

JENNIFER
Are you feeling any symptoms of withdrawal?

AKIRA
I don’t see why that’s any of your business!

JENNIFER
I thought I was the cause of all your misery.

AKIRA
Not today.

CRYSTALLINA
I thought he might straighten up since you had that talk with him, and we went to the kitchen and he gave me cookies, but as he was pouring me milk, I saw him put in Nyquil!

WOMAN #1
No, but do you have Moroccan soy milk?

COSMO
Moroccan?

AKIRA
Listen – unless you’ve got a secret stash, fuck off.

MANAGER
What, did you draw this?

COSMO
No, this is-

MANAGER
What is this, for a fantasy novel?

COSMO
No, this is a real place. Look, there’s Canada.

MANAGER
Are you trying to throw me for a loop?

COSMO
No, I’m not.

MANAGER
What, did you get this at McDonalds?

Cosmo takes a moment to gather his thoughts, then neatly returns the map to his pocket.

COSMO
No, sir.

MANAGER
I’d be careful, Mary! Nutcases like that only come around every blue moon, and he’s bluer than any moon!

COSMO
Mr. Quellini! What are the soups of the day?

MANAGER
The soup of the day is Don't Wear a Long-Sleeved Shirt to Work. What're you, nuts?

CRYSTALLINA
Consuela, you handle my husband. I don't want the other servant in the house alone.

AKIRA
She’s a Nazi.
(it's the context and tone I imagined that makes it funny)

AKIRA
Yeah, my daughter wants to have sex with me.

Everyone in the room blinks, and some look to the doctor as if she might know how to explain their confusion.

AKIRA
In the past few months she's drawn pornographic images of us together in school, pelted me with “honey”’s “dear”’s and “love-muffin”’s in public, she’s threatened to hang herself unless I complied, and invited me into her room when she was naked. Oh, and she’s seven.

No one’s expression has really changed yet.

AKIRA
My wife’s a Nazi. And by “Nazi”, I don’t mean Nazi-Nazi, I mean Woman Who Won’t Stop Controlling the Minutia of My Life Even if Her Opinion is No Longer Welcome Nazi.

Dr. Reed purses her lips at his semantics.

AKIRA
I also work in customer service.

A resounding “ohh…” comes from the group, as if this is the first reason for his alcoholism that they can truly understand.

RONNIE
You know, one of the most important things in life is just to have a comfortable living, with a comfortable mattress. (suddenly yelling) I'LL FIGHT ANYONE WHO THINKS THAT ISN'T TRUE.

Ronnie looks extremely troubled that he's being brushed off, but when he sees Akira -- giving him a look rather like he's observing two copulating dung beetles at a zoo kiosk -- his face brightens, and he nods, sure Akira caught the reference somehow.

CRYSTALLINA
It was horrible, Mommy! As soon as you left, he just marched right into the house with his pants down! And, to say enough for you to know and as little to keep myself composed, the beast had risen from its slumber!

AKIRA
I don't understand you, Jennifer. My freedom and happiness... Birds!

He makes a scale gesture.

AKIRA
And you chose fucking birds!

AKIRA
Well I could've told you that without having your incompetent Shelleyyyyy playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey with my fucking arteries! If I wanted a needle poked into me that many times I'd get a tattoo of your stupid face!

CRYSTALLINA
And if you think it meant anything (...) that you brought him bowling and buttholes, well – you're sadly mistaken.

AKIRA
HEY! If you're going to disown your own husband and turn his entire life upside down, you could at least fold that!

AKIRA
You have a lot of nerve bringing that up after all of the serious work I've been doing!

JENNIFER
Akira, you have not been touring with Britney Spears! I've been practically babysitting you the past few weeks while you go off to... Puff the Magic Fucking Dragon Land!

AKIRA
-I didn't poop anywhere.

AKIRA
Why'ds't matter that I peed in front of orphans?! I mean d-doesn't the fact that, the fact that they don't have parents mean that- that they have to pee outside, too?!

"Instead of going to some posh, pricey restaurant, we could return to my home where I would gladly EAT OUT YOUR TINKLE-TACO."

JENNIFER
Bailing people out of jail isn't cheap, Crystallina. Mommy and Daddy don't have the finances, especially with Daddy incapacitated, for you to keep having your uncle arrested.