Wherein the famous title quote can be found at the end!
CRYSTAL PALACE 4 – Part 3 – The Nut-House
EXT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER'S FRONT YARD. AFTERNOON.
We see Akira and Jennifer's house from a low angle on the street, when Cosmo's car pulls into view and its wheels stop a third of the way into frame. We hear his door open and slam shut. Rain is brewing in the sky and wind brushes against him as he cuts across the lawn. Suddenly, the front door opens before he can knock, and Jennifer shuffles Akira towards the van in the driveway without much precision. He is zigzagging all over the place and almost knocks Cosmo straight over. They leave the front door wide open and Jennifer yells over her shoulder.
JENNIFER
We're late, Cosmo! Gotta go now! Thanks a lot!
AKIRA
Fuck you! Fuck youuu!
Akira has an empty bottle of wine in his hand, but drops it as he gets in the car, which speeds off only seconds later. We cut from the long shot and settle in on Cosmo as he notes another humid wind brushing against the porch. He quite dislikes the feeling of it, so he enters the house and closes the door, causing an eerie silence to come to his attention. Over his shoulder, each side of the house is completely symmetrical. He picks the left and wanders into the kitchen, looks around, wonders where in the hell Crystallina could be, then grabs some chips.
CUT TO: Cosmo moderately engaged in a television program. We cut to his face as he leans back in the couch and the channel flicks. It happens several times at different angles and distances from him. Eventually he reaches into the chip bag and it's empty. He goes to throw it away, folding out the air before inserting it into the trash, then looks around.
Silence and little girls who hated you were never good combinations, he thinks. Quietly, he ascends the stairs and looks each way down the hall. We stay close to him as his figure dulls by the hall's shadows. He reaches out for the slightly open door of Crystallina's bedroom and gently reveals the sight. If he didn't know who lived here, he'd think Cousin It was sitting in the middle of the pastel rainbow rug.
The little girl hums softly to herself and moves her arms. Cosmo peers over her shoulder to see what she's holding. All around her are scraps of yarn, fabric, and buttons. In her hand is a little blue-haired man who looks an awful lot like a voodoo doll. She's sewing closed a little button-down shirt that resembles the one he wears at present to a T.
COSMO
Crystallina.
Her hands stop.
COSMO
You know your Mommy and Daddy left for his appointment, right?
CRYSTALLINA
Is that of some special significance to you?
COSMO
I just wanted to make sure you know I'm looking after you.
She gets back to work without another word, before Cosmo clears his throat.
COSMO
What are you making?
Her hands stop again.
CRYSTALLINA
It's nothing to concern yourself with.
He squints at the doll for a moment, which even has little wingtip shoes, then backs towards the door.
CUT TO: Cosmo dropping into the downstairs couch again, with a new bag of chips. He goes back to channel surfing.
But Crystallina is done with the doll. She looks behind her, then walks out to the hallway, where she can faintly hear the television from the upstairs balcony. The following is delivered in a series of crosscuts:
She drops the doll and stomps on it repeatedly.
Cosmo is seated comfortably, no signs of reaction.
She gnaws on the poor thing's head.
Cosmo brushes his nose a little.
She drops it off the balcony.
And Cosmo takes a look at the clock, which is only a quarter past five.
She fills up the bathroom sink with water and plunges it.
What do you know, Cosmo begins to cough quite unexpectedly to him. He goes to the sink and pours himself a glass of water, then returns to his seat when--
Crystallina jabs a knitting needle into the doll's heart.
Cosmo goes “AH!” before standing up again, then pulls his keys out of his back pocket. He places them on the coffee table and shakes his head.
INT. DOCTOR'S WAITING ROOM. SAME TIME.
Akira and Jennifer are sitting in a cramped waiting room with obnoxious fluorescent lights. Akira has his legs over an arm of his chair and is shooting offensive looks at anyone who happens to look in his direction. Nearby is a father with a crying infant. Also nearby is a muttering old man who seems to be repeating everything his wife says. Jennifer tries to put her hand on Akira's, but he smacks it away. Just then, the door opens and a doctor calls his name. He's got a thick mustache and heavy crow's feet, which squish together as he singles out his patient.
Even though Akira stands with Jennifer and begins to walk, he makes it halfway across the room before attempting to bolt. Jennifer manages to capture his left arm and put all of her weight into it and the doctor takes the other. He kicks and and jerks around, even grips the door frame, but finally Jennifer, the doctor, and a nurse pull him into the hall and the door slams shut. Everyone in the waiting room turns to one another with confused looks.
The group leads and closes Akira (and Jennifer) into a little cube of a room with flowery wallpaper. Jennifer sighs deeply when she hears a lock click and steps away from the door. Akira backs up the furthest corner of the room and sits on the paper covered bed with his knees to his chest, eying her like she is his mortal enemy.
A cross-fade takes us to a few minutes later, when the lock clicks again and the doctor enters with a nurse carrying a tray.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Good afternoon.
JENNIFER
Dr. Biedermeier, thank you so much for fitting him in last minute, and for understanding his condition.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Oh, it's nothing. It was a long time coming. And he hasn't been to see me in...
He takes a look at his clipboard while Jennifer counts on her fingers and mumbles to herself. Meanwhile, the nurse who came in attempts to introduce herself to Akira, but all you can see above his arms are his eyes, which dart back and forth, and he growls when she gets too close.
JENNIFER
I think about three years.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Five, actually. Let's hope he hasn't done any serious damage. Shelley, do you want to go ahead and get a blood sample, and let's just get it out of the way?
Akira's eyes survey the tray's contents, then bulge when the nurse uncaps a needle. At the same time, a number of people are signaled into the room. Their patient scrambles as far back as he can.
AKIRA
You bitch! You never told me I was getting my blood drawn!
Jennifer seems unsure what to say and steps back towards the door as the group tries to pin him in place.
AKIRA
Noooooo! I don't need it! There's nothing wrong with me! Ahhhhh!
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Mr. Akira, this is a simple procedure, and it will only hurt if you don't stop moving.
AKIRA
Don't tell me what hurts! You don't know me! None of you know me! My wife's a freaking nazi!
Jennifer covers her face in her hands.
DR. BIEDERMEIER (V.O.)
Mr. Akira... this is a required test for your rehabilitation clinic. If we don't send in the results, your admission will be delayed.
CUT TO: the doctor's room, with Akira, Jennifer, and Dr. Biedermeier all in separate corners.
AKIRA
Hey, that's no skin off my nose!
JENNIFER
Akira, it will be, for the both of us. This is not something you can get out of. If you're not in rehab by a certain amount of time, we'll be breaking the law.
AKIRA
Can't we just pay a fine?!
JENNIFER
No – we already have to save up for the fine you got in the Shiver Region for letting loose those birds!
AKIRA
Oh, I'm not gonna pay that back!
JENNIFER
Yes, you are, and we're nowhere near having enough. Just because I'm in the film business doesn't mean I have money pouring out of my ears.
AKIRA
I don't understand you, Jennifer. My freedom and happiness... Birds!
He makes a scale gesture.
AKIRA
And you chose fucking birds!
JENNIFER
M'kay, we're done talking about birds. Let them draw your blood.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Mr. Akira, this is really nonnegotiable, just as your wife says-
AKIRA
Will you get him out of here?
JENNIFER
No. But you and I can leave this office as soon as you go through the procedures like the adult that you are.
AKIRA
But I don't like needles.
JENNIFER
Nobody likes needles. You still have to do it.
Akira scowls and is silent for a while. Eventually, he starts to whimper while holding up his arm. Dr. Biedermeier signals in the nurse again and she tentatively lays her tray down at Akira's feet on the bed. She applies the tourniquet and gets to work.
CUT TO: Akira getting a physical by the doctor. He's completely naked and his backside is in clear view of the camera as the doctor sits calmly on his rolling chair and asks him to cough. Upon a closer view of Akira, all appropriate of course, we see there are several bandaids on his arm and he's staring at the ceiling with his face gone pink.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
You're surprisingly healthy, almost the same as last I saw you, but we won't have the results for your liver for another few days.
AKIRA
Well I could've told you that without having your incompetent Shelleyyyyy playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey with my fucking arteries! If I wanted a needle poked into me that many times I'd get a tattoo of your stupid face!
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Some people have their best veins in different places.
The doctor finishes up his notes, but his eyes return to Akira's groin, to which he gives a skeptical squint.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
For whatever reason your left testicle has dropped considerably lower than your right, and I'm not sure why.
Akira very gradually raises his hands in front of him, then lowers his face and cries.
CUT TO: his continued crying in the corner of the room, in seemingly the same position, but Dr. Biedermeier and Jennifer are now having a discussion in the doorway. Dr. Biedermeier sighs.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
He's in a lot of turmoil. In fact, I think his emotional health is having a toll on his physical health. If I were you, I would make sure that when he enters rehabilitation he be given one of the most qualified psychiatrists on staff.
Akira takes a moment to look up from his hands.
AKIRA
Fuck you! I'm not crazy!
The doctor takes one look at him, and then at Jennifer.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Good luck.
And he lays a hand on her shoulder before leaving the room.
JENNIFER
Come on, Akira.
He follows her, but only with the most dramatic frown that he can possibly make. When they pass the last office in the hallway and reach the door, Akira slows and stops.
AKIRA
Don't I get a lollipop?
JENNIFER
No.
AKIRA
You're supposed to get a lollipop at the doctor's office.
JENNIFER
That's only at the children's clinic.
AKIRA
Children don't have to go through what I did!
Jennifer raises her hands.
JENNIFER
There aren't any lollipops here.
Akira's lip quivers.
JENNIFER
Akira, I'm sorry, but I really just want to go home now, and I'm sure you do too. And I'm sure that Cosmo does.
This clearly is having no effect whatsoever on Akira, who is now shaking his head and looking all around like he doesn't know where he is anymore. Suddenly, he drops to his knees.
AKIRA
DON'T MAKE ME GOOOOO!
Before Jennifer can placate him, other doctors pop their heads out of their doors, and everyone in the waiting room can hear him screaming. Even Dr. Biedermeier sticks his head out to see, but sheepishly conceals himself behind one of the nurses. No matter, as Akira grabs the lapels of a random doctor's coat and begs for deliverance.
INT. LIVING ROOM. LATER.
Cosmo frowns at the ticking clock. The new bag of chips is now as empty as the last and some stupid commercial has started up.
He eases his phone out of his pocket and pulls some folded paper out of the other, then punches in the correct numbers from it.
COSMO
Hello, I'd like to speak to someone about a video I had made for me – I'm worried that it doesn't really represent who I am, and I'd like to have it corrected as soon as possible.
The female voice on the other end can be heard faintly as he nods to himself and stands up, looking around the room for a pen. He finds one and jots down a number, then returns to the couch. He punches in the new number and dead silence ensues. A distinguishable “we're sorry, but that number has been disconnected,” is heard.
COSMO
What? Oh, for God's sake.
As he's muttering to himself, a short silhouette steps in front of the TV. Cosmo looks up when the light is blocked from his face and, almost supernaturally, the TV turns off without either of them doing a thing, but he looks down and realizes he was sitting on part of the remote. He closes his phone and gulps.
COSMO
Hi, Crystallina. Is there something you want?
She doesn't say anything, but he can hear the rain pattering all around the house. Outside the windows, trees are shuffling violently in the wind. He decides the hairs standing on the back of his neck are all just the product of bullshit and turns the TV on again.
COSMO
You're in the way, you know.
She is as still as if her body moved to that place and became a statue.
COSMO
I can't see anymore.
Some commercial for outdoor trash bags hauling large amounts plays before he puts it on mute.
COSMO
Well you obviously want something – what is it?
CRYSTALLINA
Cosmo... The people... in my house... are not perfect. But none of them... keep secrets... from the matron.
COSMO
What?
CRYSTALLINA
I know about the affair you had with my husband.
COSMO
I didn't have any affair!
CRYSTALLINA
In fact, it was your psychologically abusive relationship that resulted in his anguish, as much as they try to put the blame on me–
COSMO
Oh God, are we seriously talking about this again?–
CRYSTALLINA
...Who only showed him love and compassion. Truly, I'm the only real woman who has ever been in his life before. And if you think it meant anything–
COSMO
Oh God, why?!!
CRYSTALLINA
...That you brought him bowling and buttholes, well – you're sadly mistaken. In fact, he told me how easily he'd forgotten about you.
COSMO
When are your parents coming home?! This is ridiculous–
CRYSTALLINA
Things were turning around for us! Delicate as they were, they were being strengthened by love's nurture! But I know that the evil people of the world could never tolerate the strength of the pure!
Cosmo has just completely stopped talking by now and gapes with a slight twitch.
CRYSTALLINA
I know that this is you and the maid's attempt to inflict retribution onto those who saw into your wicked nature! You're trying to tear apart what for you is the queasy, unattainable heights of beauty's union!
Cosmo shakes his head back and forth with his mouth still open.
CRYSTALLINA
You should know now that I shall be merciless if you persist.
A little time is required for Cosmo's confusion to wipe off his face, but then he just turns on the lamp and reveals Crystallina, standing there in a Little Mermaid nightgown.
COSMO
“Persist?” I really don't have a choice in this. Your mother needs help and I managed to milk a pretty good salary out of it. You might as well go back to your room. I don't care what you think of me. As long as you don't set anything on fire, I won't bother you.
Crystallina crosses her arms and glares at him down her nose.
CRYSTALLINA
Is that what I have to do to get you to leave?
COSMO
No, but it would make me quite angry with-
Before he can complete his sentence, she dashes to the kitchen island where his wallet is sitting and holds it over an activated lighter that was nowhere in sight a second prior. The flame glows beside her face. Cosmo shoots up from the couch with his hands raised and steps forward when the front door opens. Jennifer can see him from down the hall.
JENNIFER
Hi, Cosmo.
He turns his face in my direction, slowly but surely. His eyes widen.
COSMO
Jenniferrrrr.
But when he looks back to Crystallina, she's gone. He flings himself towards the island and saves his wallet from future threat. As he stuffs it into his pocket and finds his keys, Jennifer enters the room and looks around.
JENNIFER
Is she already in bed?
COSMO
No.
JENNIFER
...Well... Did everything go alright?
COSMO
Mostly.
JENNIFER
Mostly.
COSMO
Uh, she was a little irritable, but it's nothing I can't handle. I'd better get going. Goodnight.
He passes Jennifer and the rest of the house in a daze, but as he's crossing the van, he seems Akira sitting in the backseat, talking to himself.
AKIRA
Oh, oh, yeah, the pink lights are good, b'm always worried they're going to set something on fire... B-b-b-but you look hot...
Cosmo stops for a moment, but resumes towards his car and drives off. The camera lowers from a long shot and tracks towards Akira.
AKIRA
Don't worry, Britney... I'll be at every practice, you'can guarantee it. She's just a big poopoo head, anyway. The whole world is poopoo heads...
INT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER'S BEDROOM. AN HOUR LATER.
JENNIFER
Akira, I need you to cooperate with me.
Jennifer addresses him in a shot that spans the bedroom, with has socks and shirts flung all over the place and several open and empty suitcases. Jennifer is standing over one on the bed while Akira stands in the bathroom doorway, crossing his arms. We cut in to his face as he answers.
AKIRA
No!
JENNIFER
I'm being nice enough to pack your things for you--
AKIRA
Oh-oh-oh you're being nice, huh? By having a doctor feel up my asshole?! B-b-by sending me away to some nut-house?
JENNIFER
You consider every institution designed to help other people a nut-house! This is supposed to be a caring, comfortable place where you can kick your addiction and make friends with people who-
AKIRA
It. Is. A. Nuthouuuuuuuse!
Akira yells over me with his eyes rolling and shuffles around impatiently as I continue.
JENNIFER
-With people who understand how you feel! Haven't you told me a million times that Crystallina and I are just completely oblivious to your woes? Didn't you say we were the reason you were an alcoholic?!
AKIRA
Yeah, I didddd!
JENNIFER
Then you should be happy to get away from us.
AKIRA
But not to some nut-house!
JENNIFER
This is the nut-house! This is the nut-house because of you!
Outside the bedroom, a line of light falls on the dark hallway carpet from the slightly open door. Akira's voice is as audible there as anywhere.
AKIRA (O.S.)
Oh, oh, and our delusional, nar-nar-narcississmic daughter has nothing to do with it!
JENNIFER (O.S.)
You know what? I'm not going to blame this all on you-
AKIRA (O.S.)
Ohhhh, bullshiiii-
We cut back to Akira rolling his eyes practically out of his head.
AKIRA
-iiiiit!
JENNIFER
I'm serious! I couldn't do it. I know I've made mistakes. But to say that she doesn't act out because her father has needed help, for years, during some of her most crucial, would be-
AKIRA
I knowww, I know, it'd be CRAZY. And where do we send crazy people?!
JENNIFER
To a doctor! Because we still love them!-
AKIRA
No-- OHHH, wait a minute! A doctor, huh? Gee, I thought that was where I was going!
JENNIFER
I want to pack your things and get this over with, okay?
AKIRA
I'm right! I'm RIGHT!
JENNIFER
I'm just going to dump in all the socks, all right?
She brings over the sock bin and pours them into the suitcase on the bed.
JENNIFER
Underwear, too?
She brings over another bin while Akira just grimaces like she's throwing them straight into a wood chipper.
JENNIFER
If you're not going to agree on any of your shirts, I'll just pick them for you.
And Jennifer snatches one of them from the floor and flings it into another suitcase. Akira grumbles and hurries to my end of the bed.
AKIRA
HEY! If you're going to disown your own husband and turn his entire life upside down, you could at least fold that!
He points at the shirt with a shaky finger.
JENNIFER
Fuck you, Akira. We've been arguing over this for at least an hour now. You don't want to pack your own shit, so you don't get to choose how it's done.
AKIRA
Oh, you want me to pack my own shit, huh?
JENNIFER
It'd be nice to see you do something on your own-
Before she can finish her sentence, Akira stomps out of the room with the largest suitcase in hand. She takes a moment to gather her thoughts, then steps out into the hallway where she can hear distant clanking. She hurries downstairs when a loud drilling sound issues from the kitchen. The camera follows her from darkness to the light, wherein Akira is using a drill gun to take out the screws in the liquor cabinet, and he's somehow already on the last one. He rips the cabinet from the wall, holds it in front of him, and attempts to put it into the suitcase, but Jennifer jumps at him and tries to tear it away.
During their struggle, Akira trips to his knees, but manages to shove me out of the way with his elbow and drop the cabinet into the suitcase. With his hands still gripping the edges, his arms extended, and his face planted into the edge of the suitcase, Jennifer yanks at him by the legs but can't move him an inch. He tries to kick her away and shifts on his back, but she climbs on top of him and starts smacking him repeatedly in the face. He dodges the assault as best as he can.
AKIRA
Get off of me!
JENNIFER
NO! You need an ass-kicking! I can't think of anything else that could possibly work!
AKIRA
Stop iiiit!
JENNIFER
Suck my cock!
From down the hall, one has to wonder if the third member of the house has any idea her parents are in a brawl. All you can see is Jennifer's back bouncing around over Akira's turning and twitching legs. She looks a bit like she's riding him cowgirl style.
The camera shows them both head-on with their arms swishing in and out of frame. Jennifer's face is turning pink.
AKIRA
Well this is the wayyyy to go, isn't it, honey?! I couldn't feel more certain you don't love me at aaaall!
JENNIFER
You are full of shit! If I didn't love you, you asshole, we would've been divorced a year ago!
AKIRA
We are getting divorced!
Jennifer abruptly stops smacking him.
JENNIFER
What?
AKIRA
You're gonna sign the papers as soon as I'm locked up!
JENNIFER
No, I'm not!
AKIRA
Well of course you wouldn't teeeell me about it! You prolly already have some actor boy on the side, just waiting for you to get rid of- get rid of Prince McShitface... Loser!
Jennifer frowns and sits up straight while Akira just lies there and catches his breath.
AKIRA
And you'll prolly never bring me back again, and get rid of every trace of me, and-and say Crystallina was adopted! And- and-
Jennifer swings her leg off him and stands up. She takes the cabinet out of the suitcase and rushes off with it. Akira lies there for about ten seconds before he rises.
Up in the bedroom, Jennifer is folding his shirts neatly and placing them in the suitcase when Akira appears in the door frame looking exanimate. He points to a shirt lying on the floor.
AKIRA
(muttered)
I want that one, too.
Jennifer grabs it without looking at him.
AKIRA
And I want that, that new pair of pants you got me.
She packs those as well, but begins to notice the black silence outside the door behind him, and more, that it isn't quite silence. The closer the camera tracks into it, the more a faint voice can be heard.
JENNIFER
Is that Crystallina?
Akira turns around sluggishly and looks down the hall, where Crystallina's bedroom light appears to be on.
CRYSTALLINA (O.S.)
Daddy!
He thinks about it for a moment before following the voice with his shoulders slumped. The camera is behind Crystallina, perched atop her headboard, when he enters, and her bare legs are spread high in the air like they're inviting a plane for landing.
CRYSTALLINA
Daddy? I want to be married again.
From a high-angle shot of the house, we hear Akira's scream echo into the night.
AKIRA (O.S.)
OH GOD!!!!!!
Favorite Quotes
Click the "crystal palace 4" tag to find the other parts,
or visit "memories -> crystal palace 4". :)
CRYSTAL PALACE 4 – Part 3 – The Nut-House
EXT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER'S FRONT YARD. AFTERNOON.
We see Akira and Jennifer's house from a low angle on the street, when Cosmo's car pulls into view and its wheels stop a third of the way into frame. We hear his door open and slam shut. Rain is brewing in the sky and wind brushes against him as he cuts across the lawn. Suddenly, the front door opens before he can knock, and Jennifer shuffles Akira towards the van in the driveway without much precision. He is zigzagging all over the place and almost knocks Cosmo straight over. They leave the front door wide open and Jennifer yells over her shoulder.
JENNIFER
We're late, Cosmo! Gotta go now! Thanks a lot!
AKIRA
Fuck you! Fuck youuu!
Akira has an empty bottle of wine in his hand, but drops it as he gets in the car, which speeds off only seconds later. We cut from the long shot and settle in on Cosmo as he notes another humid wind brushing against the porch. He quite dislikes the feeling of it, so he enters the house and closes the door, causing an eerie silence to come to his attention. Over his shoulder, each side of the house is completely symmetrical. He picks the left and wanders into the kitchen, looks around, wonders where in the hell Crystallina could be, then grabs some chips.
CUT TO: Cosmo moderately engaged in a television program. We cut to his face as he leans back in the couch and the channel flicks. It happens several times at different angles and distances from him. Eventually he reaches into the chip bag and it's empty. He goes to throw it away, folding out the air before inserting it into the trash, then looks around.
Silence and little girls who hated you were never good combinations, he thinks. Quietly, he ascends the stairs and looks each way down the hall. We stay close to him as his figure dulls by the hall's shadows. He reaches out for the slightly open door of Crystallina's bedroom and gently reveals the sight. If he didn't know who lived here, he'd think Cousin It was sitting in the middle of the pastel rainbow rug.
The little girl hums softly to herself and moves her arms. Cosmo peers over her shoulder to see what she's holding. All around her are scraps of yarn, fabric, and buttons. In her hand is a little blue-haired man who looks an awful lot like a voodoo doll. She's sewing closed a little button-down shirt that resembles the one he wears at present to a T.
COSMO
Crystallina.
Her hands stop.
COSMO
You know your Mommy and Daddy left for his appointment, right?
CRYSTALLINA
Is that of some special significance to you?
COSMO
I just wanted to make sure you know I'm looking after you.
She gets back to work without another word, before Cosmo clears his throat.
COSMO
What are you making?
Her hands stop again.
CRYSTALLINA
It's nothing to concern yourself with.
He squints at the doll for a moment, which even has little wingtip shoes, then backs towards the door.
CUT TO: Cosmo dropping into the downstairs couch again, with a new bag of chips. He goes back to channel surfing.
But Crystallina is done with the doll. She looks behind her, then walks out to the hallway, where she can faintly hear the television from the upstairs balcony. The following is delivered in a series of crosscuts:
She drops the doll and stomps on it repeatedly.
Cosmo is seated comfortably, no signs of reaction.
She gnaws on the poor thing's head.
Cosmo brushes his nose a little.
She drops it off the balcony.
And Cosmo takes a look at the clock, which is only a quarter past five.
She fills up the bathroom sink with water and plunges it.
What do you know, Cosmo begins to cough quite unexpectedly to him. He goes to the sink and pours himself a glass of water, then returns to his seat when--
Crystallina jabs a knitting needle into the doll's heart.
Cosmo goes “AH!” before standing up again, then pulls his keys out of his back pocket. He places them on the coffee table and shakes his head.
INT. DOCTOR'S WAITING ROOM. SAME TIME.
Akira and Jennifer are sitting in a cramped waiting room with obnoxious fluorescent lights. Akira has his legs over an arm of his chair and is shooting offensive looks at anyone who happens to look in his direction. Nearby is a father with a crying infant. Also nearby is a muttering old man who seems to be repeating everything his wife says. Jennifer tries to put her hand on Akira's, but he smacks it away. Just then, the door opens and a doctor calls his name. He's got a thick mustache and heavy crow's feet, which squish together as he singles out his patient.
Even though Akira stands with Jennifer and begins to walk, he makes it halfway across the room before attempting to bolt. Jennifer manages to capture his left arm and put all of her weight into it and the doctor takes the other. He kicks and and jerks around, even grips the door frame, but finally Jennifer, the doctor, and a nurse pull him into the hall and the door slams shut. Everyone in the waiting room turns to one another with confused looks.
The group leads and closes Akira (and Jennifer) into a little cube of a room with flowery wallpaper. Jennifer sighs deeply when she hears a lock click and steps away from the door. Akira backs up the furthest corner of the room and sits on the paper covered bed with his knees to his chest, eying her like she is his mortal enemy.
A cross-fade takes us to a few minutes later, when the lock clicks again and the doctor enters with a nurse carrying a tray.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Good afternoon.
JENNIFER
Dr. Biedermeier, thank you so much for fitting him in last minute, and for understanding his condition.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Oh, it's nothing. It was a long time coming. And he hasn't been to see me in...
He takes a look at his clipboard while Jennifer counts on her fingers and mumbles to herself. Meanwhile, the nurse who came in attempts to introduce herself to Akira, but all you can see above his arms are his eyes, which dart back and forth, and he growls when she gets too close.
JENNIFER
I think about three years.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Five, actually. Let's hope he hasn't done any serious damage. Shelley, do you want to go ahead and get a blood sample, and let's just get it out of the way?
Akira's eyes survey the tray's contents, then bulge when the nurse uncaps a needle. At the same time, a number of people are signaled into the room. Their patient scrambles as far back as he can.
AKIRA
You bitch! You never told me I was getting my blood drawn!
Jennifer seems unsure what to say and steps back towards the door as the group tries to pin him in place.
AKIRA
Noooooo! I don't need it! There's nothing wrong with me! Ahhhhh!
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Mr. Akira, this is a simple procedure, and it will only hurt if you don't stop moving.
AKIRA
Don't tell me what hurts! You don't know me! None of you know me! My wife's a freaking nazi!
Jennifer covers her face in her hands.
DR. BIEDERMEIER (V.O.)
Mr. Akira... this is a required test for your rehabilitation clinic. If we don't send in the results, your admission will be delayed.
CUT TO: the doctor's room, with Akira, Jennifer, and Dr. Biedermeier all in separate corners.
AKIRA
Hey, that's no skin off my nose!
JENNIFER
Akira, it will be, for the both of us. This is not something you can get out of. If you're not in rehab by a certain amount of time, we'll be breaking the law.
AKIRA
Can't we just pay a fine?!
JENNIFER
No – we already have to save up for the fine you got in the Shiver Region for letting loose those birds!
AKIRA
Oh, I'm not gonna pay that back!
JENNIFER
Yes, you are, and we're nowhere near having enough. Just because I'm in the film business doesn't mean I have money pouring out of my ears.
AKIRA
I don't understand you, Jennifer. My freedom and happiness... Birds!
He makes a scale gesture.
AKIRA
And you chose fucking birds!
JENNIFER
M'kay, we're done talking about birds. Let them draw your blood.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Mr. Akira, this is really nonnegotiable, just as your wife says-
AKIRA
Will you get him out of here?
JENNIFER
No. But you and I can leave this office as soon as you go through the procedures like the adult that you are.
AKIRA
But I don't like needles.
JENNIFER
Nobody likes needles. You still have to do it.
Akira scowls and is silent for a while. Eventually, he starts to whimper while holding up his arm. Dr. Biedermeier signals in the nurse again and she tentatively lays her tray down at Akira's feet on the bed. She applies the tourniquet and gets to work.
CUT TO: Akira getting a physical by the doctor. He's completely naked and his backside is in clear view of the camera as the doctor sits calmly on his rolling chair and asks him to cough. Upon a closer view of Akira, all appropriate of course, we see there are several bandaids on his arm and he's staring at the ceiling with his face gone pink.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
You're surprisingly healthy, almost the same as last I saw you, but we won't have the results for your liver for another few days.
AKIRA
Well I could've told you that without having your incompetent Shelleyyyyy playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey with my fucking arteries! If I wanted a needle poked into me that many times I'd get a tattoo of your stupid face!
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Some people have their best veins in different places.
The doctor finishes up his notes, but his eyes return to Akira's groin, to which he gives a skeptical squint.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
For whatever reason your left testicle has dropped considerably lower than your right, and I'm not sure why.
Akira very gradually raises his hands in front of him, then lowers his face and cries.
CUT TO: his continued crying in the corner of the room, in seemingly the same position, but Dr. Biedermeier and Jennifer are now having a discussion in the doorway. Dr. Biedermeier sighs.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
He's in a lot of turmoil. In fact, I think his emotional health is having a toll on his physical health. If I were you, I would make sure that when he enters rehabilitation he be given one of the most qualified psychiatrists on staff.
Akira takes a moment to look up from his hands.
AKIRA
Fuck you! I'm not crazy!
The doctor takes one look at him, and then at Jennifer.
DR. BIEDERMEIER
Good luck.
And he lays a hand on her shoulder before leaving the room.
JENNIFER
Come on, Akira.
He follows her, but only with the most dramatic frown that he can possibly make. When they pass the last office in the hallway and reach the door, Akira slows and stops.
AKIRA
Don't I get a lollipop?
JENNIFER
No.
AKIRA
You're supposed to get a lollipop at the doctor's office.
JENNIFER
That's only at the children's clinic.
AKIRA
Children don't have to go through what I did!
Jennifer raises her hands.
JENNIFER
There aren't any lollipops here.
Akira's lip quivers.
JENNIFER
Akira, I'm sorry, but I really just want to go home now, and I'm sure you do too. And I'm sure that Cosmo does.
This clearly is having no effect whatsoever on Akira, who is now shaking his head and looking all around like he doesn't know where he is anymore. Suddenly, he drops to his knees.
AKIRA
DON'T MAKE ME GOOOOO!
Before Jennifer can placate him, other doctors pop their heads out of their doors, and everyone in the waiting room can hear him screaming. Even Dr. Biedermeier sticks his head out to see, but sheepishly conceals himself behind one of the nurses. No matter, as Akira grabs the lapels of a random doctor's coat and begs for deliverance.
INT. LIVING ROOM. LATER.
Cosmo frowns at the ticking clock. The new bag of chips is now as empty as the last and some stupid commercial has started up.
He eases his phone out of his pocket and pulls some folded paper out of the other, then punches in the correct numbers from it.
COSMO
Hello, I'd like to speak to someone about a video I had made for me – I'm worried that it doesn't really represent who I am, and I'd like to have it corrected as soon as possible.
The female voice on the other end can be heard faintly as he nods to himself and stands up, looking around the room for a pen. He finds one and jots down a number, then returns to the couch. He punches in the new number and dead silence ensues. A distinguishable “we're sorry, but that number has been disconnected,” is heard.
COSMO
What? Oh, for God's sake.
As he's muttering to himself, a short silhouette steps in front of the TV. Cosmo looks up when the light is blocked from his face and, almost supernaturally, the TV turns off without either of them doing a thing, but he looks down and realizes he was sitting on part of the remote. He closes his phone and gulps.
COSMO
Hi, Crystallina. Is there something you want?
She doesn't say anything, but he can hear the rain pattering all around the house. Outside the windows, trees are shuffling violently in the wind. He decides the hairs standing on the back of his neck are all just the product of bullshit and turns the TV on again.
COSMO
You're in the way, you know.
She is as still as if her body moved to that place and became a statue.
COSMO
I can't see anymore.
Some commercial for outdoor trash bags hauling large amounts plays before he puts it on mute.
COSMO
Well you obviously want something – what is it?
CRYSTALLINA
Cosmo... The people... in my house... are not perfect. But none of them... keep secrets... from the matron.
COSMO
What?
CRYSTALLINA
I know about the affair you had with my husband.
COSMO
I didn't have any affair!
CRYSTALLINA
In fact, it was your psychologically abusive relationship that resulted in his anguish, as much as they try to put the blame on me–
COSMO
Oh God, are we seriously talking about this again?–
CRYSTALLINA
...Who only showed him love and compassion. Truly, I'm the only real woman who has ever been in his life before. And if you think it meant anything–
COSMO
Oh God, why?!!
CRYSTALLINA
...That you brought him bowling and buttholes, well – you're sadly mistaken. In fact, he told me how easily he'd forgotten about you.
COSMO
When are your parents coming home?! This is ridiculous–
CRYSTALLINA
Things were turning around for us! Delicate as they were, they were being strengthened by love's nurture! But I know that the evil people of the world could never tolerate the strength of the pure!
Cosmo has just completely stopped talking by now and gapes with a slight twitch.
CRYSTALLINA
I know that this is you and the maid's attempt to inflict retribution onto those who saw into your wicked nature! You're trying to tear apart what for you is the queasy, unattainable heights of beauty's union!
Cosmo shakes his head back and forth with his mouth still open.
CRYSTALLINA
You should know now that I shall be merciless if you persist.
A little time is required for Cosmo's confusion to wipe off his face, but then he just turns on the lamp and reveals Crystallina, standing there in a Little Mermaid nightgown.
COSMO
“Persist?” I really don't have a choice in this. Your mother needs help and I managed to milk a pretty good salary out of it. You might as well go back to your room. I don't care what you think of me. As long as you don't set anything on fire, I won't bother you.
Crystallina crosses her arms and glares at him down her nose.
CRYSTALLINA
Is that what I have to do to get you to leave?
COSMO
No, but it would make me quite angry with-
Before he can complete his sentence, she dashes to the kitchen island where his wallet is sitting and holds it over an activated lighter that was nowhere in sight a second prior. The flame glows beside her face. Cosmo shoots up from the couch with his hands raised and steps forward when the front door opens. Jennifer can see him from down the hall.
JENNIFER
Hi, Cosmo.
He turns his face in my direction, slowly but surely. His eyes widen.
COSMO
Jenniferrrrr.
But when he looks back to Crystallina, she's gone. He flings himself towards the island and saves his wallet from future threat. As he stuffs it into his pocket and finds his keys, Jennifer enters the room and looks around.
JENNIFER
Is she already in bed?
COSMO
No.
JENNIFER
...Well... Did everything go alright?
COSMO
Mostly.
JENNIFER
Mostly.
COSMO
Uh, she was a little irritable, but it's nothing I can't handle. I'd better get going. Goodnight.
He passes Jennifer and the rest of the house in a daze, but as he's crossing the van, he seems Akira sitting in the backseat, talking to himself.
AKIRA
Oh, oh, yeah, the pink lights are good, b'm always worried they're going to set something on fire... B-b-b-but you look hot...
Cosmo stops for a moment, but resumes towards his car and drives off. The camera lowers from a long shot and tracks towards Akira.
AKIRA
Don't worry, Britney... I'll be at every practice, you'can guarantee it. She's just a big poopoo head, anyway. The whole world is poopoo heads...
INT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER'S BEDROOM. AN HOUR LATER.
JENNIFER
Akira, I need you to cooperate with me.
Jennifer addresses him in a shot that spans the bedroom, with has socks and shirts flung all over the place and several open and empty suitcases. Jennifer is standing over one on the bed while Akira stands in the bathroom doorway, crossing his arms. We cut in to his face as he answers.
AKIRA
No!
JENNIFER
I'm being nice enough to pack your things for you--
AKIRA
Oh-oh-oh you're being nice, huh? By having a doctor feel up my asshole?! B-b-by sending me away to some nut-house?
JENNIFER
You consider every institution designed to help other people a nut-house! This is supposed to be a caring, comfortable place where you can kick your addiction and make friends with people who-
AKIRA
It. Is. A. Nuthouuuuuuuse!
Akira yells over me with his eyes rolling and shuffles around impatiently as I continue.
JENNIFER
-With people who understand how you feel! Haven't you told me a million times that Crystallina and I are just completely oblivious to your woes? Didn't you say we were the reason you were an alcoholic?!
AKIRA
Yeah, I didddd!
JENNIFER
Then you should be happy to get away from us.
AKIRA
But not to some nut-house!
JENNIFER
This is the nut-house! This is the nut-house because of you!
Outside the bedroom, a line of light falls on the dark hallway carpet from the slightly open door. Akira's voice is as audible there as anywhere.
AKIRA (O.S.)
Oh, oh, and our delusional, nar-nar-narcississmic daughter has nothing to do with it!
JENNIFER (O.S.)
You know what? I'm not going to blame this all on you-
AKIRA (O.S.)
Ohhhh, bullshiiii-
We cut back to Akira rolling his eyes practically out of his head.
AKIRA
-iiiiit!
JENNIFER
I'm serious! I couldn't do it. I know I've made mistakes. But to say that she doesn't act out because her father has needed help, for years, during some of her most crucial, would be-
AKIRA
I knowww, I know, it'd be CRAZY. And where do we send crazy people?!
JENNIFER
To a doctor! Because we still love them!-
AKIRA
No-- OHHH, wait a minute! A doctor, huh? Gee, I thought that was where I was going!
JENNIFER
I want to pack your things and get this over with, okay?
AKIRA
I'm right! I'm RIGHT!
JENNIFER
I'm just going to dump in all the socks, all right?
She brings over the sock bin and pours them into the suitcase on the bed.
JENNIFER
Underwear, too?
She brings over another bin while Akira just grimaces like she's throwing them straight into a wood chipper.
JENNIFER
If you're not going to agree on any of your shirts, I'll just pick them for you.
And Jennifer snatches one of them from the floor and flings it into another suitcase. Akira grumbles and hurries to my end of the bed.
AKIRA
HEY! If you're going to disown your own husband and turn his entire life upside down, you could at least fold that!
He points at the shirt with a shaky finger.
JENNIFER
Fuck you, Akira. We've been arguing over this for at least an hour now. You don't want to pack your own shit, so you don't get to choose how it's done.
AKIRA
Oh, you want me to pack my own shit, huh?
JENNIFER
It'd be nice to see you do something on your own-
Before she can finish her sentence, Akira stomps out of the room with the largest suitcase in hand. She takes a moment to gather her thoughts, then steps out into the hallway where she can hear distant clanking. She hurries downstairs when a loud drilling sound issues from the kitchen. The camera follows her from darkness to the light, wherein Akira is using a drill gun to take out the screws in the liquor cabinet, and he's somehow already on the last one. He rips the cabinet from the wall, holds it in front of him, and attempts to put it into the suitcase, but Jennifer jumps at him and tries to tear it away.
During their struggle, Akira trips to his knees, but manages to shove me out of the way with his elbow and drop the cabinet into the suitcase. With his hands still gripping the edges, his arms extended, and his face planted into the edge of the suitcase, Jennifer yanks at him by the legs but can't move him an inch. He tries to kick her away and shifts on his back, but she climbs on top of him and starts smacking him repeatedly in the face. He dodges the assault as best as he can.
AKIRA
Get off of me!
JENNIFER
NO! You need an ass-kicking! I can't think of anything else that could possibly work!
AKIRA
Stop iiiit!
JENNIFER
Suck my cock!
From down the hall, one has to wonder if the third member of the house has any idea her parents are in a brawl. All you can see is Jennifer's back bouncing around over Akira's turning and twitching legs. She looks a bit like she's riding him cowgirl style.
The camera shows them both head-on with their arms swishing in and out of frame. Jennifer's face is turning pink.
AKIRA
Well this is the wayyyy to go, isn't it, honey?! I couldn't feel more certain you don't love me at aaaall!
JENNIFER
You are full of shit! If I didn't love you, you asshole, we would've been divorced a year ago!
AKIRA
We are getting divorced!
Jennifer abruptly stops smacking him.
JENNIFER
What?
AKIRA
You're gonna sign the papers as soon as I'm locked up!
JENNIFER
No, I'm not!
AKIRA
Well of course you wouldn't teeeell me about it! You prolly already have some actor boy on the side, just waiting for you to get rid of- get rid of Prince McShitface... Loser!
Jennifer frowns and sits up straight while Akira just lies there and catches his breath.
AKIRA
And you'll prolly never bring me back again, and get rid of every trace of me, and-and say Crystallina was adopted! And- and-
Jennifer swings her leg off him and stands up. She takes the cabinet out of the suitcase and rushes off with it. Akira lies there for about ten seconds before he rises.
Up in the bedroom, Jennifer is folding his shirts neatly and placing them in the suitcase when Akira appears in the door frame looking exanimate. He points to a shirt lying on the floor.
AKIRA
(muttered)
I want that one, too.
Jennifer grabs it without looking at him.
AKIRA
And I want that, that new pair of pants you got me.
She packs those as well, but begins to notice the black silence outside the door behind him, and more, that it isn't quite silence. The closer the camera tracks into it, the more a faint voice can be heard.
JENNIFER
Is that Crystallina?
Akira turns around sluggishly and looks down the hall, where Crystallina's bedroom light appears to be on.
CRYSTALLINA (O.S.)
Daddy!
He thinks about it for a moment before following the voice with his shoulders slumped. The camera is behind Crystallina, perched atop her headboard, when he enters, and her bare legs are spread high in the air like they're inviting a plane for landing.
CRYSTALLINA
Daddy? I want to be married again.
From a high-angle shot of the house, we hear Akira's scream echo into the night.
AKIRA (O.S.)
OH GOD!!!!!!
AKIRA
I don't understand you, Jennifer. My freedom and happiness... Birds!
He makes a scale gesture.
AKIRA
And you chose fucking birds!
AKIRA
Well I could've told you that without having your incompetent Shelleyyyyy playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey with my fucking arteries! If I wanted a needle poked into me that many times I'd get a tattoo of your stupid face!
CRYSTALLINA
And if you think it meant anything (...) that you brought him bowling and buttholes, well – you're sadly mistaken.
AKIRA
HEY! If you're going to disown your own husband and turn his entire life upside down, you could at least fold that!
or visit "memories -> crystal palace 4". :)
Leave a comment