CRYSTAL PALACE 4 – Part 6 – The Painting of the French Girl

INT. REHAB DISCUSSION. AFTERNOON.

DR. REED
Today, I’d like to talk about your relationships.

The camera passes over several members of the discussion and finally reaches Akira. Everyone, including him, look like they’d much prefer to jump out the window. Dr. Reed, meanwhile, is explaining this meeting’s purpose.

DR. REED
It’s definitely going to be a sensitive subject, but I feel like the health of one’s relationships can be the deal-breaker for someone with an alcohol problem. Feeling self-worth, which comes from tight bonds, is one of the ways in which we feel determined to overcome obstacles.

By now, Akira is making a chatty-cathy gesture at his neighbor, and Dr. Reed notices.

DR. REED
Akira, why don’t we start with you? You had a very… interesting word choice for your wife on the first day, and I’m curious to know why you feel so strongly about that.

AKIRA
Piss off.

Some of the group members can’t help but chuckle, but the doctor remains firm.

DR. REED
I know that this is a few days in and your withdrawal must be difficult, but-

AKIRA
You don’t know shit, lady.

DR. REED
Fine, then. But I’m not going to know any more about you unless you help me.

AKIRA
Oh I’m here to help you, am I?

The group self-consciously chuckles again.

DR. REED
You’re here to help me help you. Are we done being a smart-ass?

Akira frowns.

AKIRA
You wanna know about my wife? I’ll tell you about my wife. The night I packed, she was beating me in the face! She couldn’t be happier that I’m not home anymore! She just pretends she still cares… so she can torture me!

DR. REED
Well, though I can’t be certain how accurate your interpretation is, it’s certainly meaningful. What lead you to this conclusion?

AKIRA
(snorts) Everything. Every problem that we ever have is my fault. All I have to do is wake up and breathe and she comes in the room complaining our daughter is trying to work the stove. She makes me breakfast every morning and I throw it out.

DR. REED
Your wife or your daughter?

AKIRA
My daughter. You know – the one that wants to have sex with me.

Even the doctor doesn’t know how to approach this area. She clears her throat and hugs her clipboard while thinking of how to word it:

DR. REED
Um, Mr. Akira… I’m not sure I understand what’s going on with her. Could you ex- you have a lot of interpretations that I don’t understand where they come from. Could you start at the very basics of your family’s behavior?

AKIRA
Well, I burned it in the fireplace once I had the chance, but she made us a marriage certificate. With glitter and pony stickers. She had a ring she was showing around at school. I was called in by her teacher who thought I might be a child molester. Is that clearer?

He starts to shake his head back and forth with a glaze growing over his eyes.

AKIRA
I need a drink… I need a drink!

DR. REED
Well it looks like we’re getting somewhere.

Kengo, the Japanese man, looks utterly repulsed by Akira’s behavior as he slides down to the floor and grabs his knees.

EXT. CRYSTALLINA’S SCHOOL PARKING LOT. SAME TIME.
Meanwhile, Cosmo’s car enters the outskirts of the school parking lot, and Cosmo apprehensively rolls nearer to the building before parking still at quite a distance. He’s wearing a cowboy hat that conceals his blue hair, as well as a coat that reaches his knees, yet he’s completely unaware that he looks twice as creepy as he did the time before. He keeps his face tilted down as he looks around the front for Crystallina.

He spots her standing in the grass with several girls holding both her hands and consoling her as she sniffs and whimpers. He puts his hand on his hips.

COSMO
(under his breath)
Oh, jeez… how in the world does she have friends?

He takes a deep breath and works his way over, the camera reluctantly following him from behind. The three girls all recognize a taller figure is approaching them, but Cosmo’s face turns into a silhouette when his hat blocks the sunlight.

COSMO
I’m here to pick you up, Crystallina.

She draws in a breath to scream, but he covers her mouth and yanks her arm closer to him. She recognizes his face finally and seethes.

CRYSTALLINA
What are you doing here?!

COSMO
What do you mean, “what am I doing here”? Your mother told you I was coming, and she assured me you wouldn’t make a scene again.

CRYSTALLINA
Oh, did she now?

COSMO
And I should remind you that if you have me arrested again, your father is locked up at a clinic and your mother is in Shiver City today. There won’t be anyone to clean up the mess, nor take you home.

Crystallina considers it and finally squints at him before taking one reluctant step forward, a step which plunges her into a persona of anguish.

CRYSTALLINA
Girls, I must bid you farewell. My tormentor knows the limits by which my husband and I are bound. There shall be no arguing. I’ll be brave.

Her friends glare at Cosmo like he’s the sickest thing they have ever seen before he turns towards the parking lot with his “niece’s” arm in hand.

EXT. CRYSTAL PALACE ENTRANCE ROAD. A LITTLE LATER.
Jennifer frowns at her phone and puts it back into the pocket of the uppermost coat she’s wearing in a whole Russian Matryoshka-doll-like system of layers. Her professionalism is completely lost in this get-up. As she paces in the foreground, workers in the distance bring tarp and adhesives into the towering palace doors, and Anus finally waddles out and towards her.

ANUS
Well it looks like they’re almost done sealing the openings.

JENNIFER
Thank goodness. I thought I’d be here all day.

ANUS
You have been here all day!

He chuckles deeply but Jennifer doesn’t smile.

ANUS
Aww, come on, Jennifer. Lighten up. I’m sure the fumigation will be done in no time. And you picked a good time to come out – the weather really started clearing this week.

JENNIFER
This is clear weather to you?

They turn away from the palace and find a little red truck coming up the private road. When they reach the driver’s window, a man in a poufy jacket and snowflake mitts gives them a genuine smile, and even has steaming hot cocoa in the cup holder.

DRIVER
All ready to go back?

ANUS
In fact, we are this time! They’re starting with the chemicals in about a half hour. Hop in, Jennifer.

Anus tries to open up the truck door, but fails. Once Jennifer has let herself in, she struggles to quite make it with the sheer width of her body in all the coats. Anus gives her a good shove and she pops into place.

The driver watches as Anus crosses the front of the truck and takes a seat on the other side, and as the car begins to roll, he offers them a drink.

ANUS
Oh, this is a swell treat! How thoughtful of you.

JENNIFER
Yes, thank you.

Jennifer tries to sip her cocoa but the road instantly becomes quite bumpy. She holds it away from her, but tries to retain her smile. As the ride goes along and Anus appreciates the scenery, Jennifer has something on her mind.

JENNIFER
Um, Anus? There’s something I wanted to ask you while I was visiting. But you’re free to say no, and I’d understand if you did.

ANUS
What’s that, Jennifer?

JENNIFER
Well… It’s about Crystallina.

Anus’s squinting eyes ever so slightly open and his cheeks become a little less rosy.

ANUS
Yes?

JENNIFER
Well, with Akira in rehab, and the fumigation, and shooting a movie in L.A. next weekend… I realized I needed a babysitter, and I gave the job to Cosmo, but… I don’t think it’s working out.

Anus’s face has now become quite grave.

CUT TO:

INT. COSMO’S APARTMENT. SAME TIME.
An awful sound is issuing from a violin in Cosmo’s hands which is some nearly unrecognizable attempt at (look up which classical song it is) . From a long, high-angle shot, we see the span of his living quarters, in which he practices in a corner and Crystallina sits on an arm chair trying to focus on an episode of I Love Lucy. The room is tastefully lit and decorated, with a blue green color scheme and splashes of color contributed by random, cheap pachyderms. He has a CD player and other outdated technology; his TV is actually cube-shaped. We cut in front of Crystallina, who’s sitting next to a table with a photo of a woman with his same shade of blue hair. She makes a point of scowling in his direction and leans over the arm of the chair very gradually and dramatically. As desired, Cosmo begins to notice he is being studied.

CRYSTALLINA
Cosmo? No offense? But this is when everyone else in the world recognizes that they will never have a career in the music industry.

Cosmo screws up his next note (moreso than usual) and lowers the instrument.

COSMO
The cynicism you inherited from your father isn’t going to deter me, Crystallina. It doesn’t happen naturally for anybody.

CRYSTALLINA
Pah! Of course, an Unnatural would say something like that.

COSMO
I used to play the violin fluently. It was a near extension of my voice. It was your grandfather’s administration that saw to it that I lost my violin forever and I only had the money for a new one a couple months ago. So excuse me for having over a hundred years’ rustiness to overcome.

CRYSTALLINA
A couple months ago? This is all you’ve accomplished in a couple months? I learned to play that song, by myself, in three days.

COSMO
I’m supposed to believe that?

Crystallina indignantly comes to stance and reaches for the violin as she comes forward. Cosmo recoils with the instrument safely in his arms.

CRYSTALLINA
I’ll prove it.

To his surprise, she heaves her chest up and down.

CRYSTALLINA
You’ve questioned my honor! Now hand it over!

Cosmo braces himself while obeying. When Crystallina has the violin, she immediately holds it most properly and begins to play it with a bored expression on her face. For a split second, Cosmo is delighted to hear the music, but his brow furrows and he yanks back the violin. Crystallina watches with satisfaction as he places it back in the case, latches it with fumbling hands, and shoots up from his chair.

COSMO
Fine then. I’ll do something you don’t have to listen to.

He heads towards his still life and plops into his artist’s chair. While he’s finding his paints, Crystallina looks over his shoulder and screws up her face upon sight of the easel.

CRYSTALLINA
What in the fucking asshole is that?!

Cosmo drops his hands and slumps down.

COSMO
Do you really think your mother would like for you to say such words?

CRYSTALLINA
Consuela can like whatever she likes. I asked you a question.

Cosmo wets his brush and tries to ignore her. The camera finally joins Crystallina over his shoulder; we see that he’s still working on his “harvest without forgetting the past” painting from his dating video footage. Crystallina snorts.

CRYSTALLINA
I see you can’t paint, either.

Cosmo swishes around to face her.

COSMO
I can too paint!

CRYSTALLINA
Pears and table-clothes are not art, Cosmo. Don’t you know that still-life is the lowest form of painting that there is? It’s the art world’s version of mime.

COSMO
And let me guess – you could recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in ten minutes. Is that it?

CRYSTALLINA
(gasp) Who in the world would ever do that?! You clearly have no respect for art. Did you think this elaborate Renaissance Man front was going to work on me? You grow less and less attractive by the second.

Cosmo keeps his mouth tightly shut while removing the picture from the easel. He grabs his violin case and several other valuable things and disappears in a doorway. Crystallina is hardly affected when the door slams shut.

CUT TO:

EXT. SHIVER MOUNTAIN. SAME TIME.
Jennifer and Anus have begun arguing on the drive.

JENNIFER
I’ll pay you twice as much as I pay Cosmo.

ANUS
No, I really couldn’t ask that of–

JENNIFER
But you’re not asking me – I’m asking you! For Crystallina’s sake and Cosmo’s! You were the first person I thought of, and you handled her so well-

ANUS
Trust me, not as well as you think–

JENNIFER
I wanted you, but I tried him first.

ANUS
We’ve really got a packed schedule next week.

JENNIFER
She can just come along with the kids, can’t she?

ANUS
No, I don’t think so. Frankly, none of my kids like her anymore.

Jennifer pauses with her face downcast. When she speaks again, her words cut off Anus while he’s attempting to apologize.

JENNIFER
If we could just–

ANUS
Jennifer, you’re gonna have to–

JENNIFER
(simultaneously)
This is a borderline–

ANUS
You’re gonna have to find–

JENNIFER
(simultaneously)
It’s a borderline crisis is what it–

They both pause again while Anus gathers his thoughts.

ANUS
You need to find a new babysitter if Cosmo’s not the one. I’m really not available these next couple of weeks. (now speaking over Jennifer’s pleas with increasing volume) There’s a lot of stuff we have to do. Anuria has a doctor’s appointment. I’ve got to proofread a friend’s manuscript. Anusette and I were going to CUDDLE AND EAT COOKIES- JENNIFER, THAT’S ENOUGH.

Jennifer catches her breath while Anus firmly puts his flippers in front of him.

ANUS
Jennifer, this is not going to work out. I mean I love Crystallina with all my penguin heart, but… I thought you were overreacting at first, but…

He leans forward to censor this final observation from the driver, as if he wasn’t already sufficiently discomforted.

ANUS
I really think she needs the best psychiatric help she can get. There’s a screw or two loose in there, and we’re still recovering from the disorder she caused last time. She fed us pork, and Anusander’s starting to treat God like Santa Claus. It’s serious.

From outside the window, lights are shining behind Jennifer as she slumps into her seat.

ANUS
Well, we’re here. I’ll help you get your stuff. I’m sorry, Jennifer.

A shot outside the car shows them at the Shiver Runway, and Anus hops out of the back to pop open the trunk.

INT. COSMO’S APARTMENT. A LITTLE LATER.
Cosmo’s lying on his bed with a book when he looks to the shining crack of light around his door and wonders why it’s so quiet out there. He sets the book down and heads for the door, where he peers out and sees Crystallina’s head blocking the light issuing from his computer.

COSMO
Hey!

Crystallina spins around in the rolling chair.

COSMO
You’re not supposed to be on there! That’s mine!

She smiles and hops away while he checks the screen, where a folder of his photos is open. Nothing but snapshots of paintings in a downtown art museum. He exes out the window and looms over her.

COSMO
Crystallina, my computer is none of your business. Now get back to the TV and wait for your mother to come.

He instinctively swats her on the back and she screams the rest of the way to the armchair. From there, she scrutinizes him as he heads to the fridge and pulls a drink from the door shelf. Up close, we see that it’s a strawberry wine cooler. He lowers to the couch, takes a long drink, glares at her, and then reaches for the remote to change the channel. The next one is just starting a commercial.

COMMERCIAL VOICE
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COSMO (ON TV)
It's actually my dream to have my own GAY ORGY some day.

COMMERCIAL VOICE
Is that your dream too? Well-

Cosmo is momentarily stunned with horror, but he switches the channel to some Lifetime movie and takes a few deep breaths. Crystallina shakes her head with a grin before trying her next tack.

CRYSTALLINA
Cosmo? Um, I forgot to tell you. I went to the bathroom a little while ago and the toilet wouldn’t flush.

COSMO
Well that’s just marvelous, Crystallina.

CRYSTALLINA
So I flushed it again and all the water came up. I fixed the problem but I wasn’t sure which towels to use to–

Cosmo darts up. The camera cuts to inside the bathroom, where the floor is layered with toilet-paper speckled water.

COSMO
Oh, God, Crystallina!

A bunch of clunks, pacing and muttering is heard as Crystallina’s face goes from concerned to smug, to even delighted. You can hear him slapping wet towels around in the background as Crystallina runs to her sparkly backpack and pulls a small, plastic potion bottle out of a compartment. With care and patience, she pours the contents of the bottle into Cosmo’s drink, returns the bottle to her bag, and sits back down.

Cosmo has cleared the floor and stands above the innocent origin of the water.

CUT TO: A shot of the past: Crystallina’s face peering down in a similar shot and dropping in a large decorative soap. She reaches forward to flush and the sound swirls us back to present, where Cosmo looks down and then shakes his head.

When he returns to the living room, he finds her swishing her legs against the chair and smiling at him. He flushes air out his nose and takes a swig of his drink for much longer than before.

INT. REHAB LOBBY. 7:30PM.
Jennifer arrives at the center doors while smoothing out her hair and strides towards the desk.

JENNIFER
Hi, I’m here to see my husband. His name’s Akira.

RECEPTIONIST
His last name?

JENNIFER
Just type in Akira.

The receptionist squints and obeys. On her screen is a layout of the rehab center with a blinking dot in what appears to be the indoor pool area.

RECEPTIONIST
Well he’s in a visitor-friendly area. Should I call him to the lobby?

JENNIFER
No, I think I’ll surprise him.

RECEPTIONIST
He’s at the pool. It’s down that hall, and then you make a left and a right – you won’t miss it. Looks like he’s on the right side of the pool near the Tiki bar.

JENNIFER
Fantastic.

Jennifer seems pleased that they have so much sight over her troubled partner. She thanks the receptionist and walks off.

CUT TO: Akira, reclining in a pool chair, wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt and sunglasses. He’s sipping at some tropical punch and enjoying the breeze of an electric fan. Everyone else in his vicinity does not exactly match his enthusiasm and are taking seats some distance away. In the background, we see Jennifer enter the room and nearly trip over a pool noodle. She stumbles forward and takes a seat in the chair next to him to inspect her shoe.

JENNIFER
Hi, Akira.

AKIRA
(without looking)
Not now.

JENNIFER
Yes, now. How are you doing?

Akira suddenly notices it’s her and snatches away his sunglasses.

AKIRA
Hey! What’re you doing here?!

JENNIFER
What do you think I’m doing here? How are you doing?

AKIRA
Ohhh, ohhh, you’re curious, huh?

JENNIFER
Are you feeling any symptoms of withdrawal?

AKIRA
I don’t see why that’s any of your business!

Jennifer stares impatiently for a moment before realizing Akira is twitching now, and his face has pink blotches. He absent-mindedly plays with his straw with his tongue, and gazes into his glass almost like it were a kaleidoscope. Next, he moans and laughs to himself.

JENNIFER
…Well, I was at the palace today, and they started fumigation at 6:00. Anus is going to give me updates as they reach him, but I have to go-

AKIRA
What the fuck are you talking about?

JENNIFER
The fumigation. For the fleas.

Akira scrunches up his face.

JENNIFER
The Crystal Palace had a flea infestation, in the North wing, remember? I told you at least a dozen times.

Akira shrugs.

JENNIFER
…Do you at least want to know what’s been happening with your daughter?

AKIRA
Not really.

He sets down the drink, returns his sunglasses, and tries to calmly survey the room, but his eyes land on Ronnie, who’s a few chairs down and sort of nodding his head at Akira with an overbearing expression. Akira gasps and sinks down his seat.

JENNIFER
Is that a friend of yours?

Ronnie gently pats the seat next to him.

JENNIFER
Why don’t you go sit next to him?

AKIRA
No, I-I wanna stay here with you.

JENNIFER
I thought I was the cause of all your misery.

AKIRA
Not today.

By now, Ronnie is patting the seat vigorously in case Akira couldn’t pick up on subtlety.

JENNIFER
Akira, go sit next to him. You should make some friends while you’re here, especially since you won’t talk to me about anything.

AKIRA
You don’t know him inside the group sessions!

Jennifer stands up and sighs.

JENNIFER
I need to go pick up our daughter. Cosmo’s been dealing with her since 3:00 and I’m certain he needs a break, especially since Anus won’t be taking her while I’m shooting…

She blabbers on while Ronnie and Akira have a dialogue of faces, with Ronnie’s filled with appreciation for Jennifer’s assets, and Akira’s filled with frustration. He shakes his head and cuts his hand through the air.

JENNIFER
I’m going to visit you at a better time before I leave.

AKIRA
Yeah, sure. I mean… not that you have to. I decided I like this place much more than ours.

He goes from indifference to downright baring his teeth when Ronnie pretends to be having sex with an imaginary Jennifer, doggy-style, then slaps his knees with glee. Jennifer turns around and waves at him, and he immediately straightens up and smiles.

JENNIFER
Sit next to him. … Bye.

She’s heading out the door before Akira has finished shaking his fist at Ronnie. For a moment, he seems wistful that she’s gone.

INT. COSMO’S APARTMENT, FRONT DOOR. 30MIN LATER.
There’s knocking on the door from the other side, followed by wailing somewhere inside the apartment. After sounds of struggle, Cosmo flops into the foreground and Crystallina wrestles with him until he’s grunting in confusion and turning her over, trying to swat her hands off his face without much coordination. The knocking continues, and so do they, until Jennifer turns the lock with her spare key and enters.

JENNIFER
Cosmo?!

Crystallina rolls around underneath him, wailing in terror, with her dress sleeves fallen down her shoulders.

CRYSTALLINA
Mommy, Mommy, help!

Jennifer doesn’t know what to do besides come forward and reach for her daughter, but Cosmo ends up slumping onto her shoulder and knocking both of them over.

JENNIFER
Goddamnit, Cosmo, what’s the matter with you?!

COSMO
Aughhhhh! ‘ooorryenni’er.

CRYSTALLINA
Don’t listen to him! It was horrible! I thought he might straighten up since you had that talk with him, and we went to the kitchen and he gave me cookies, but as he was pouring me milk, I saw him put in Nyquil!

Cosmo trips all over himself coming to stance while the ladies of the room step away from him.

COSMO
‘hat is AHB-so’ootly false!

CRYSTALLINA
When I wouldn’t listen to him and drink it, he tried to handcuff me to the bed and whip me with a My Little Pony belt!

She tugs at Jennifer’s arm and leads her to Cosmo’s bedroom doorframe, where a strategically placed pink belt is sitting at the edge of his bed.

CRYSTALLINA
But I was feeling uncomfortable so I asked to call you, and he said (in a low voice) “No, I have a better idea! Let me get you in the mood for the stuff adults do!” And he showed me PORN.

She strikes her finger at the computer screen where Jennifer sees a photo of a young girl modeling pull-up underwear.

COSMO
Tha’is not mmmiine! She was the’one’oo put’at there! I swear to Goooooooood.

Cosmo sways past Jennifer as Crystallina hides behind her and whimpers.

CRYSTALLINA
Next he took out his paints and said “take off your clothes, and I'll paint you like one of my French girls.”

On the easel is a poor painting clearly done by Crystallina of a naked stick figure with a bow on its head. Cosmo tries to swipe it off the easel but ends up falling at their feet.




Favorite Quotes

CRYSTALLINA
Girls, I must bid you farewell. My tormentor knows the limits by which my husband and I are bound.

CRYSTALLINA
What in the fucking asshole is that?!

ANUS
Frankly, none of my kids like her anymore.

JENNIFER
Are you feeling any symptoms of withdrawal?

AKIRA
I don’t see why that’s any of your business!

JENNIFER
I thought I was the cause of all your misery.

AKIRA
Not today.

CRYSTALLINA
I thought he might straighten up since you had that talk with him, and we went to the kitchen and he gave me cookies, but as he was pouring me milk, I saw him put in Nyquil!