I'm sharing a completely nonsensical, poorly ended AIW fanfiction that went on for a very long time, and was told to Jenna intermittently, last year.
I must say, it's quite fun. XD I miss doing stuff like this.
One day rabbit was going shopping, with Hatter and Hare in tow. They were in the fruit section, and he was like “I want you to bag three apples. That's it. We need three for a pie, and no more.” So Hatter and Hare went off, determined to get the reddest, shiniest apples.
“We'll get the reddest!” Hatter started.
“AND the shiniest!” Hare added.
“NO NO NO,” Rabbit interrupted. “I need granny smiths, you idiots.”
So they go and get apples, and it seems like they might do it right, so Rabbit looks over and snatches carrots. No matter what he shops for, he always buys extra carrots. He sniffs one excitedly befor eputting it in a plastic bag. Almost no times passes before the store supervisor appears by his side, gripping Hatter and Hare by the sleeves. “Sir, are these yours? You need to keep your kids from jumping in the produce. Some of the customers saw, and now they refuse to do business. I don't want a lawsuit on our heads.”
Rabbit is speechless. Luckily, the supervisor doesn't have time for this shit and dashes off to address some other pressing matter. Hare takes the apples out of his pocket and hands them to Rabbit. “There's the apples.”
They're warm. Rabbit cringes. “What in the world were you two doing?”
“Well, Hatter saw a teeny tiny white rabbit disappear into the pile of grapefruits.”
“So I nose-dived in,” Hatter explained. “I thought it might get me out of Wonderland.”
“Did you ever hear of Fruit-Land?”
“No, but you're embarrassing me,” Rabbit said. He thrust a plastic bag into Hatter's stomach and continued on. “Bag that and let's go. I don't know why I asked you guys to come with me,” Rabbit trailed, but he turned around and they were missing. He looked all around and realized they had gone down the tea aisle.
“If you've got two extra wobucks, we can get that too, but I'm not paying for all of this,” Hatter explained, already with his arms full of tea.
“Where the hell did my apples go?!” Rabbit asked.
“Relax, we've got 'em right here,” Hare said. He lifted up Hatter's hat and there they were, balancing on his head. Rabbit tripped over himself trying to snatch the apples away. “I’d like to get through this visit without being accused of shop-lifting, thank you very much!”
“Fine, here”, Hare responded without looking. He tossed them in Rabbit’s direction, and Rabbit barely caught them. “Anyway, I’m positive you’re out of vanilla chai, Hatter.”
“Why?” Rabbit asked the ceiling.
Somehow they made it out of the store. Rabbit clicked them both into their adult-sized car-seats in the back of the royal van. “Alright, I’m going to turn on Spongebob and you two just settle down~~” he said, but they were already asleep.
Later, Rabbit pulled into the palace garage and left Hatter and Hare in the backseat. They were snoring and had their legs flopped all over the place. Drooling, too. It was just not a very pleasant or interesting sight for Rabbit, and he had a dinner to cook, anyway, so he left, but a little while later, they woke up, and they were confused and terrified. The garage light had went out, so they couldn't even see each other. “Hatter..... are you in here?!"
“Yes, I'm in here! Are you in here?!"
"YES, BUT I'M SCARED.” Their hands fumbled and eventually gripped each other desperately.
“Shit, what do we do? Hatter asked, but only one solution seemed clear. They screamed their heads off. They kicked the front seats repeatedly.
Down in the kitchen, Rabbit was swinging to motown as he rolled out the dough for the pie. He couldn't hear anything but them sweet, sweet Ronettes... but the Queen heard it. The Queen heard all of the Hatter and Hare's screaming and traced it down to the royal garage. She found them bundled up in the darkness, squinting at her end of the flashlight, like possums. “What the fuck?"
"HELLLLPP USSSS!" Hare grated out in his most desperate plea.
"WE'RE DYING OF THIRST" Hatter told her.
"Really?" She wondered aloud. They whimpered instead of answering. "How did you two end up in here, anyway?"
"R-rabbit took us to Wondermart and forgot about ussss~..."
“Yeah so?" They seemed too confused to give a proper explanation, so she just rolled her eyes and swished the flashlight toward the open door. "Well, come on, get out of there and come inside." So the boys grabbed their bag full of tea boxes and followed her with endless declarations of gratitude spilling from their quivering lips. She took them into the royal lounge, where they sat together on the loveseat and wrapped a blanket resting over the arm around their feet and pulled it up to their shoulders.
"Can we have juice?" Hatter asked.
"I want grape juice," Hare said.
"And I want V8 Splash," Hatter said.
"No, I change my mind, I want that, too," Hare said. The Queen's eyes bugged out of her head.
"You did not just ask me for juice. What do I look like? Rabbit? Where is that bunny anyway?!" "RaaaaabbBBBBBIITTTT!” echoed the halls. Hatter and Hare looked at each other, two heads outside the blanket.
"I hope she comes back with juice,” Hare said.
"I feel like we've been stuck in a cave... in the desert."
"Thank goodness a spider didn't crawl on you!" Hare pet Hatter's hair sentimentally and gave him a little peck. Rabbit was already in the doorway.
"Ew. Stop that right now."
“Did you bring us juice?" Hatter wondered.
"No. I don't have time for this shit. You need to go home."
"I thought we were going to help you cook the pie!"
"Well, you fell asleep. What was I supposed to do? When you're old, you respect a good nap." Neither Hatter nor Hare found any sense in this, so they just blinked and cuddled nearer to each other. "Seriously, though. Get out. We won't be having any hanky-panky around here." Rabbit could hear the Queen calling him. “Ugh! You stay here and wait for me to lead you out,” he instructed them, wagging his finger in their direction. He whisked himself out of the doorway and returned to the kitchen, where he found the her swaying about, clearly somewhat intoxicated all of a sudden. “Your Majestehh, what's going on in here?!”
“You're taking too long on that pie. I needed a way to entertain myself!" She said, twirling some green olives in her martini glass and swaying above the counter top while Rabbit hurried glazed a chicken surrounded in veggies in a pan.
"It's done in five minutes, Your Majesteh, ready to eat! Do you want ice cream with it?"
"No, I think I lost my appetite. WOOHOO!" For a second, rabbit thought the Queen was standing up to unlatch her bra, but she just scrunched up her shoulders and stood there smiling to herself. "That's better." Rabbit raised his eyebrow, but went back to work.
She sat down. Then a moment later, she stood up again. "Where's that back-scratcher?" Rabbit took the back scratcher out of the spoon holder at the center of the island and handed it to her, and she crammed it down the collar of her dress. “Agh yeah.”
Ping! The pie was done. Rabbit found his little piglet oven mitts and took it out. “If you can just wait a few minutes, it will be all cooled and rrready to eat. I'll just go check up on Hatter and Hare, and then cut you a sli--”
“Hatter and Hare?!” The Queen suddenly bellowed. “What are they still doing here?!"
Rabbit frowned and rolled back to the study, but they weren't in there. Frantically, he called their names and checked the various closets and bathrooms that were nearby. “Hatter, Hare, this is no time for games! Her Majesteh has been waiting all day for some of my delicious apple pie!" As he continued to check each room farther and farther down the hall, he began to hear squeaking and giggling. He knew this couldn't be good. He crept carefully towards the door at the end of the hall. As he did, the squeaking sounds persisted. He even heard Hatter shout an "AAGGH YEAH!" And Hare went "oghghh!" It's not that he wanted to see what he was about to see, but somebody had to stop them, and they had to be forceful about it. He swung open the door!
And there was Hatter and Hare.
Together.
Jumping...
On a...
Trampoline?
“I say, what are you doing in the Queen's workout room?!” They looked in his direction but were out of words. Rabbit shook his head. "Alright, I see clearly what you're doing, but why are you doing it?! I told you to stay in the study!” Hare slowed his jumping. "You were gone forever!"
"I-I-I was gone two minutes!"
"Forever!" Hatter concurred.
"Get off the trampoline and get out of here," Rabbit said.
"You should get on with usss!" They insisted.
"NO! I HAVE TO SERVE THE QUEEN PIE. IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THINGS WORK AROUND HERE."
"Will you at least let us come back?" Hare asked.
“I don't know, maybe if you get off right now." They frowned at each other, bounced just a few more times, and then jumped to the floor, trying to imitate an acrobat's grace but failing horribly. Rabbit pointed his finger down the hall and shook it vigorously. They filed out the door with downcast noses.
Rabbit went back into the kitchen. "I'm back, your Majesteh~~ and I'm suuure the pie is totally cooled now---AGGH!" The Queen had pie crumbs all over her face and most of it was gone. It was like she hosted a private eating contest with no other contestants and had definitely won. She turned around as she licked her fingers, giving Rabbit a grin of satisfaction, eyes half closed. Rabbit just stared at her in the doorway.
* * *
There was squeaking issuing from the closed door of Hatter's bedroom.
Squeek.
Squeek.
Squeek.
Squeek.
Giggling, too. But then grunting.
"Hatter, this just isn't the same,” Hare said.
They were jumping on the bed. Hatter knocked his hat off when it hit the ceiling."I know, I know..." He answered. "I've got it: let's play strip poker."
"No thanks," Hare said.
"What?!"
"I don't feel like it." They stopped bouncing.
"Why not?" Hare opened his mouth before he had an answer, when the telephone rang. He rolled over on the bed and picked up the receiver without thinking. "Hello?" Then suddenly he was slightly distressed that he had just given away to whoever was calling that he was over there at 9:30 at night.
"Hare~... This is Rabbit."
"Yes, my dear bunny? Hatter crawled up next to him and listened with only meager curiosity.
"I just wanted to tell you and Hatter that you are not being invited to any more royal shopping trips. Your manner at the store and at the palace was atrocious. And I lied about inviting you back to jump on the trampoline."
"Well! We don't need your stupid trampoline, anyway!"
"Nevermind that obviously neither of you are bouncing on it..." Rabbit retorted, much too slyly for Hare's patience. He slammed the phone down. Hatter's jaw dropped.
"What was that about!!"
"Nevermind. Let's just keep jumping." Hare got up and started pouncing on the mattress again, making Hatter jiggle all over the place, but he was still quite perplexed.
"What about strip poker?" He wondered more to himself. Hare wanted to make a compromise, so he pulled his suspenders down and did a little jump-dance with his arms extended, tugging on them sassily.
"That's not strip poker," Hatter said. Hare knew that Hatter's deck of cards was in the bedside table, so he bent down, pulled them out, and showered them on top of Hatter.
"Pick a card, any caaard!" Hare could barely say without snorting. The cards were bouncing all over the place and off the bed.
"What the fuck!" Hatter shouted at him. Hare saw that this wasn't going well, so he dropped down and pounced on Hatter instead. Luckily, it worked, and Hatter became too distracted being made out with to remember what was bothering him.
Just then, the telephone rang again. Hatter's hand blindly fumbled for it and yanked it from the receiver. "Hello!!"
"I just thought you would be glad to hear that this bunny is having the time of his life on that trampoline! And Jenna's here too! And Lambsy and the Grammar Owl are watching us, and they agree that we bounce much better than you ever did when they were spying on you earlier. Don't think I left you two unattended!" Hatter's mouth flew open in fury, but Rabbit hung up on him first.
Hare hadn't heard a thing and just decided to nuzzle Hatter and give him le smooches, but he wasn't being paid attention. "That's it. I'm going to go over there. And I'm going to cause trouble," Hatter added, squinting his eyes until he could barely see anymore, and he squished his lips together like he'd eaten a lemon. He simply tossed Hare off of him and flew out of the room.
Hatter stomped over to the palace, and since that telephone call he had managed to incite Hare's rage, too. They were both gonna bust a bunny up. All they had to do was get through security, which was awfully slapdash at such an hour. They had no alarm, no lasers, no invisible wires, no locks. So all Hatter and Hare actually had to do was tip-toe like Sims Burglars across the lawn, into the throne room, and down the hall. In no time, they were in the same hallway as earlier, and behind that same door, they could hear the squeaking.
Hatter was so giddy, as if they were going to catch Rabbit and Jenna doing something naughty. Hare was clenching his arm so tight he was stopping circulation. Hatter pressed his finger to his lip and gave Hare a long, stern stare. He placed his other hand on the doorknob. Then he opened it. "AHA!"
But they weren't in there. In fact, the room was dark. They had no idea what squeaking they had just heard, but before they had time to contemplate it, two wild people covered in feathers and holding up sticks screamed and charged at them like tribal warriors. Hatter and Hare both screamed like little girls! The warriors chased them all the way down the halls and into the royal gardens. They hopped over flamingos and had their faces whipped by tree branches.
Had Rabbit called on secret alliances to torment them? Why would anyone go to such measures of vengeance?! What had they done?!
Eventually, they were cornered and had to jump into the pool. One of the warriors took off their freaky-ass mask and it was Jenna. "Take that, assholes." The other warrior caught up to her out of breath. He was clearly covered in white fuzz, so it was no surprise when Rabbit's face emerged from behind his mask.
"What... hghhgh..... what..." He crouched over and coughed like a smoker, so Jenna patted his shoulder. "What she sai~d...eghgh.." Hatter and Hare just waded there in the shallow end, completely stunned.
"We will never forgive you for this," Hatter said, but neither of them were paying them any mind.
"Oh, Rabbit, are you okay?"
"I... hmghh... I feel invigorated!" He shrieked.
"You're wobbling all over the place,” Jenna pointed out, and sure enough he collapsed straight on his bunny butt shortly after.
"We're going to buy our own trampoline and you won't be allowed to use it," Hatter continued. Meanwhile, Jenna gave Rabbit's tummy a good pat.
"Let's get you inside."
"I farted on those apples before I gave them to you!" Hare piped up, just as Jenna and Rabbit were coming to stance and had turned their backs. Slowly, Rabbit looked back.
"I don't ca~re. Her Majesty ate the whole thing. And she quite liked it. If it had been Jenna and I's pie, I would have never let the apples out of my sight!"
"Oh, Rabbit!" Jenna cooed, cupping her hands together.
"Come now, my lady, let's pick some wine from the cellar and celebrate our victory." The door shut behind them, and Hatter and Hare were beside themselves in outrage, but they knew exactly what to do.
They went over to Hare's, dried off, and found Her Majesty's private phone number. They decided Hare could call her since he loved any chance he could get to talk to the Queen. He held the phone shakily in his hand while Hatter sat at the kitchen table, gripping each side and drilling his gaze into Hare face for the slightest signs that the conversation was going how he wanted it to. "Hello? Your Majesty?" Hare flinched. "Yes, I know it's 11 at night." Pause. “Yes, I know, and I'm sorry, but there's something urgent I have to tell you. You see,- It's... Hare. Can't you tell?" He bit his lip and scrunched up his shoulders. "S-sorry, Your Majesty. Well, w-we just wanted to tell you that Rabbit has a woman in the palace and he's probably doing bad stuff--" He flinched even more. "We were walking by, is all, and we saw him through the windows running around, screaming about giving her what she deserved. And getting drunk.
"Yeah, tell her we thought he was getting drunk,” Hatter said too late. Hare looked him in the eye, swishing his hand.
"Yes, I'm sure that's what you heard. It's very scandalous. Who knows, maybe it'll be in the newspapers tomorrow. I'd deal with it immediately, yer Majesty. You shouldn't have to put up with that crap!” Pause. “Well I hope you-- I hope you liked your pie," he said, trying not to laugh. "Oh, nothing! Bye!"
The End?
Favorite Quotes
:) ♥, J
I must say, it's quite fun. XD I miss doing stuff like this.
One day rabbit was going shopping, with Hatter and Hare in tow. They were in the fruit section, and he was like “I want you to bag three apples. That's it. We need three for a pie, and no more.” So Hatter and Hare went off, determined to get the reddest, shiniest apples.
“We'll get the reddest!” Hatter started.
“AND the shiniest!” Hare added.
“NO NO NO,” Rabbit interrupted. “I need granny smiths, you idiots.”
So they go and get apples, and it seems like they might do it right, so Rabbit looks over and snatches carrots. No matter what he shops for, he always buys extra carrots. He sniffs one excitedly befor eputting it in a plastic bag. Almost no times passes before the store supervisor appears by his side, gripping Hatter and Hare by the sleeves. “Sir, are these yours? You need to keep your kids from jumping in the produce. Some of the customers saw, and now they refuse to do business. I don't want a lawsuit on our heads.”
Rabbit is speechless. Luckily, the supervisor doesn't have time for this shit and dashes off to address some other pressing matter. Hare takes the apples out of his pocket and hands them to Rabbit. “There's the apples.”
They're warm. Rabbit cringes. “What in the world were you two doing?”
“Well, Hatter saw a teeny tiny white rabbit disappear into the pile of grapefruits.”
“So I nose-dived in,” Hatter explained. “I thought it might get me out of Wonderland.”
“Did you ever hear of Fruit-Land?”
“No, but you're embarrassing me,” Rabbit said. He thrust a plastic bag into Hatter's stomach and continued on. “Bag that and let's go. I don't know why I asked you guys to come with me,” Rabbit trailed, but he turned around and they were missing. He looked all around and realized they had gone down the tea aisle.
“If you've got two extra wobucks, we can get that too, but I'm not paying for all of this,” Hatter explained, already with his arms full of tea.
“Where the hell did my apples go?!” Rabbit asked.
“Relax, we've got 'em right here,” Hare said. He lifted up Hatter's hat and there they were, balancing on his head. Rabbit tripped over himself trying to snatch the apples away. “I’d like to get through this visit without being accused of shop-lifting, thank you very much!”
“Fine, here”, Hare responded without looking. He tossed them in Rabbit’s direction, and Rabbit barely caught them. “Anyway, I’m positive you’re out of vanilla chai, Hatter.”
“Why?” Rabbit asked the ceiling.
Somehow they made it out of the store. Rabbit clicked them both into their adult-sized car-seats in the back of the royal van. “Alright, I’m going to turn on Spongebob and you two just settle down~~” he said, but they were already asleep.
Later, Rabbit pulled into the palace garage and left Hatter and Hare in the backseat. They were snoring and had their legs flopped all over the place. Drooling, too. It was just not a very pleasant or interesting sight for Rabbit, and he had a dinner to cook, anyway, so he left, but a little while later, they woke up, and they were confused and terrified. The garage light had went out, so they couldn't even see each other. “Hatter..... are you in here?!"
“Yes, I'm in here! Are you in here?!"
"YES, BUT I'M SCARED.” Their hands fumbled and eventually gripped each other desperately.
“Shit, what do we do? Hatter asked, but only one solution seemed clear. They screamed their heads off. They kicked the front seats repeatedly.
Down in the kitchen, Rabbit was swinging to motown as he rolled out the dough for the pie. He couldn't hear anything but them sweet, sweet Ronettes... but the Queen heard it. The Queen heard all of the Hatter and Hare's screaming and traced it down to the royal garage. She found them bundled up in the darkness, squinting at her end of the flashlight, like possums. “What the fuck?"
"HELLLLPP USSSS!" Hare grated out in his most desperate plea.
"WE'RE DYING OF THIRST" Hatter told her.
"Really?" She wondered aloud. They whimpered instead of answering. "How did you two end up in here, anyway?"
"R-rabbit took us to Wondermart and forgot about ussss~..."
“Yeah so?" They seemed too confused to give a proper explanation, so she just rolled her eyes and swished the flashlight toward the open door. "Well, come on, get out of there and come inside." So the boys grabbed their bag full of tea boxes and followed her with endless declarations of gratitude spilling from their quivering lips. She took them into the royal lounge, where they sat together on the loveseat and wrapped a blanket resting over the arm around their feet and pulled it up to their shoulders.
"Can we have juice?" Hatter asked.
"I want grape juice," Hare said.
"And I want V8 Splash," Hatter said.
"No, I change my mind, I want that, too," Hare said. The Queen's eyes bugged out of her head.
"You did not just ask me for juice. What do I look like? Rabbit? Where is that bunny anyway?!" "RaaaaabbBBBBBIITTTT!” echoed the halls. Hatter and Hare looked at each other, two heads outside the blanket.
"I hope she comes back with juice,” Hare said.
"I feel like we've been stuck in a cave... in the desert."
"Thank goodness a spider didn't crawl on you!" Hare pet Hatter's hair sentimentally and gave him a little peck. Rabbit was already in the doorway.
"Ew. Stop that right now."
“Did you bring us juice?" Hatter wondered.
"No. I don't have time for this shit. You need to go home."
"I thought we were going to help you cook the pie!"
"Well, you fell asleep. What was I supposed to do? When you're old, you respect a good nap." Neither Hatter nor Hare found any sense in this, so they just blinked and cuddled nearer to each other. "Seriously, though. Get out. We won't be having any hanky-panky around here." Rabbit could hear the Queen calling him. “Ugh! You stay here and wait for me to lead you out,” he instructed them, wagging his finger in their direction. He whisked himself out of the doorway and returned to the kitchen, where he found the her swaying about, clearly somewhat intoxicated all of a sudden. “Your Majestehh, what's going on in here?!”
“You're taking too long on that pie. I needed a way to entertain myself!" She said, twirling some green olives in her martini glass and swaying above the counter top while Rabbit hurried glazed a chicken surrounded in veggies in a pan.
"It's done in five minutes, Your Majesteh, ready to eat! Do you want ice cream with it?"
"No, I think I lost my appetite. WOOHOO!" For a second, rabbit thought the Queen was standing up to unlatch her bra, but she just scrunched up her shoulders and stood there smiling to herself. "That's better." Rabbit raised his eyebrow, but went back to work.
She sat down. Then a moment later, she stood up again. "Where's that back-scratcher?" Rabbit took the back scratcher out of the spoon holder at the center of the island and handed it to her, and she crammed it down the collar of her dress. “Agh yeah.”
Ping! The pie was done. Rabbit found his little piglet oven mitts and took it out. “If you can just wait a few minutes, it will be all cooled and rrready to eat. I'll just go check up on Hatter and Hare, and then cut you a sli--”
“Hatter and Hare?!” The Queen suddenly bellowed. “What are they still doing here?!"
Rabbit frowned and rolled back to the study, but they weren't in there. Frantically, he called their names and checked the various closets and bathrooms that were nearby. “Hatter, Hare, this is no time for games! Her Majesteh has been waiting all day for some of my delicious apple pie!" As he continued to check each room farther and farther down the hall, he began to hear squeaking and giggling. He knew this couldn't be good. He crept carefully towards the door at the end of the hall. As he did, the squeaking sounds persisted. He even heard Hatter shout an "AAGGH YEAH!" And Hare went "oghghh!" It's not that he wanted to see what he was about to see, but somebody had to stop them, and they had to be forceful about it. He swung open the door!
And there was Hatter and Hare.
Together.
Jumping...
On a...
Trampoline?
“I say, what are you doing in the Queen's workout room?!” They looked in his direction but were out of words. Rabbit shook his head. "Alright, I see clearly what you're doing, but why are you doing it?! I told you to stay in the study!” Hare slowed his jumping. "You were gone forever!"
"I-I-I was gone two minutes!"
"Forever!" Hatter concurred.
"Get off the trampoline and get out of here," Rabbit said.
"You should get on with usss!" They insisted.
"NO! I HAVE TO SERVE THE QUEEN PIE. IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THINGS WORK AROUND HERE."
"Will you at least let us come back?" Hare asked.
“I don't know, maybe if you get off right now." They frowned at each other, bounced just a few more times, and then jumped to the floor, trying to imitate an acrobat's grace but failing horribly. Rabbit pointed his finger down the hall and shook it vigorously. They filed out the door with downcast noses.
Rabbit went back into the kitchen. "I'm back, your Majesteh~~ and I'm suuure the pie is totally cooled now---AGGH!" The Queen had pie crumbs all over her face and most of it was gone. It was like she hosted a private eating contest with no other contestants and had definitely won. She turned around as she licked her fingers, giving Rabbit a grin of satisfaction, eyes half closed. Rabbit just stared at her in the doorway.
* * *
There was squeaking issuing from the closed door of Hatter's bedroom.
Squeek.
Squeek.
Squeek.
Squeek.
Giggling, too. But then grunting.
"Hatter, this just isn't the same,” Hare said.
They were jumping on the bed. Hatter knocked his hat off when it hit the ceiling."I know, I know..." He answered. "I've got it: let's play strip poker."
"No thanks," Hare said.
"What?!"
"I don't feel like it." They stopped bouncing.
"Why not?" Hare opened his mouth before he had an answer, when the telephone rang. He rolled over on the bed and picked up the receiver without thinking. "Hello?" Then suddenly he was slightly distressed that he had just given away to whoever was calling that he was over there at 9:30 at night.
"Hare~... This is Rabbit."
"Yes, my dear bunny? Hatter crawled up next to him and listened with only meager curiosity.
"I just wanted to tell you and Hatter that you are not being invited to any more royal shopping trips. Your manner at the store and at the palace was atrocious. And I lied about inviting you back to jump on the trampoline."
"Well! We don't need your stupid trampoline, anyway!"
"Nevermind that obviously neither of you are bouncing on it..." Rabbit retorted, much too slyly for Hare's patience. He slammed the phone down. Hatter's jaw dropped.
"What was that about!!"
"Nevermind. Let's just keep jumping." Hare got up and started pouncing on the mattress again, making Hatter jiggle all over the place, but he was still quite perplexed.
"What about strip poker?" He wondered more to himself. Hare wanted to make a compromise, so he pulled his suspenders down and did a little jump-dance with his arms extended, tugging on them sassily.
"That's not strip poker," Hatter said. Hare knew that Hatter's deck of cards was in the bedside table, so he bent down, pulled them out, and showered them on top of Hatter.
"Pick a card, any caaard!" Hare could barely say without snorting. The cards were bouncing all over the place and off the bed.
"What the fuck!" Hatter shouted at him. Hare saw that this wasn't going well, so he dropped down and pounced on Hatter instead. Luckily, it worked, and Hatter became too distracted being made out with to remember what was bothering him.
Just then, the telephone rang again. Hatter's hand blindly fumbled for it and yanked it from the receiver. "Hello!!"
"I just thought you would be glad to hear that this bunny is having the time of his life on that trampoline! And Jenna's here too! And Lambsy and the Grammar Owl are watching us, and they agree that we bounce much better than you ever did when they were spying on you earlier. Don't think I left you two unattended!" Hatter's mouth flew open in fury, but Rabbit hung up on him first.
Hare hadn't heard a thing and just decided to nuzzle Hatter and give him le smooches, but he wasn't being paid attention. "That's it. I'm going to go over there. And I'm going to cause trouble," Hatter added, squinting his eyes until he could barely see anymore, and he squished his lips together like he'd eaten a lemon. He simply tossed Hare off of him and flew out of the room.
Hatter stomped over to the palace, and since that telephone call he had managed to incite Hare's rage, too. They were both gonna bust a bunny up. All they had to do was get through security, which was awfully slapdash at such an hour. They had no alarm, no lasers, no invisible wires, no locks. So all Hatter and Hare actually had to do was tip-toe like Sims Burglars across the lawn, into the throne room, and down the hall. In no time, they were in the same hallway as earlier, and behind that same door, they could hear the squeaking.
Hatter was so giddy, as if they were going to catch Rabbit and Jenna doing something naughty. Hare was clenching his arm so tight he was stopping circulation. Hatter pressed his finger to his lip and gave Hare a long, stern stare. He placed his other hand on the doorknob. Then he opened it. "AHA!"
But they weren't in there. In fact, the room was dark. They had no idea what squeaking they had just heard, but before they had time to contemplate it, two wild people covered in feathers and holding up sticks screamed and charged at them like tribal warriors. Hatter and Hare both screamed like little girls! The warriors chased them all the way down the halls and into the royal gardens. They hopped over flamingos and had their faces whipped by tree branches.
Had Rabbit called on secret alliances to torment them? Why would anyone go to such measures of vengeance?! What had they done?!
Eventually, they were cornered and had to jump into the pool. One of the warriors took off their freaky-ass mask and it was Jenna. "Take that, assholes." The other warrior caught up to her out of breath. He was clearly covered in white fuzz, so it was no surprise when Rabbit's face emerged from behind his mask.
"What... hghhgh..... what..." He crouched over and coughed like a smoker, so Jenna patted his shoulder. "What she sai~d...eghgh.." Hatter and Hare just waded there in the shallow end, completely stunned.
"We will never forgive you for this," Hatter said, but neither of them were paying them any mind.
"Oh, Rabbit, are you okay?"
"I... hmghh... I feel invigorated!" He shrieked.
"You're wobbling all over the place,” Jenna pointed out, and sure enough he collapsed straight on his bunny butt shortly after.
"We're going to buy our own trampoline and you won't be allowed to use it," Hatter continued. Meanwhile, Jenna gave Rabbit's tummy a good pat.
"Let's get you inside."
"I farted on those apples before I gave them to you!" Hare piped up, just as Jenna and Rabbit were coming to stance and had turned their backs. Slowly, Rabbit looked back.
"I don't ca~re. Her Majesty ate the whole thing. And she quite liked it. If it had been Jenna and I's pie, I would have never let the apples out of my sight!"
"Oh, Rabbit!" Jenna cooed, cupping her hands together.
"Come now, my lady, let's pick some wine from the cellar and celebrate our victory." The door shut behind them, and Hatter and Hare were beside themselves in outrage, but they knew exactly what to do.
They went over to Hare's, dried off, and found Her Majesty's private phone number. They decided Hare could call her since he loved any chance he could get to talk to the Queen. He held the phone shakily in his hand while Hatter sat at the kitchen table, gripping each side and drilling his gaze into Hare face for the slightest signs that the conversation was going how he wanted it to. "Hello? Your Majesty?" Hare flinched. "Yes, I know it's 11 at night." Pause. “Yes, I know, and I'm sorry, but there's something urgent I have to tell you. You see,- It's... Hare. Can't you tell?" He bit his lip and scrunched up his shoulders. "S-sorry, Your Majesty. Well, w-we just wanted to tell you that Rabbit has a woman in the palace and he's probably doing bad stuff--" He flinched even more. "We were walking by, is all, and we saw him through the windows running around, screaming about giving her what she deserved. And getting drunk.
"Yeah, tell her we thought he was getting drunk,” Hatter said too late. Hare looked him in the eye, swishing his hand.
"Yes, I'm sure that's what you heard. It's very scandalous. Who knows, maybe it'll be in the newspapers tomorrow. I'd deal with it immediately, yer Majesty. You shouldn't have to put up with that crap!” Pause. “Well I hope you-- I hope you liked your pie," he said, trying not to laugh. "Oh, nothing! Bye!"
The End?
“What in the world were you two doing?”
“Well, Hatter saw a teeny tiny white rabbit disappear into the pile of grapefruits.”
“So I nose-dived in,” Hatter explained. “I thought it might get me out of Wonderland.”
"We won't be having any hanky-panky around here."
"I HAVE TO SERVE THE QUEEN PIE. IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THINGS WORK AROUND HERE."
"I farted on those apples before I gave them to you!"
:) ♥, J
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