I don't really want to talk about all the stuff that happened regarding my dentist appointment(s), but let's just sum it up by saying... I legitimately would believe at this point in my life that I had been cursed, if I was superstitious. Bound to nothing with no chance of escaping. I mean I was quoting Norman Bates in the car the other day, "We scratch and we claw, but only at the air, only at each other, and for all of it, we never budge an inch."

I slept a lot yesterday (without pulling the all-nighter thing again.) Something told me I had better get up off my ass and hurry to the pharmacy for my anti-depressants, though. I'd been skipping a few days (since I ran out), and it was making me nervous that I was wanting to sleep so much, so I made sure to pop those pills by the time I was home. The last thing I need right now is to fall apart mentally. By the way, the doc agreed to double the dosage so we'll see soon enough if 300mg works out.

In the mean time, it's just been general bad luck for the latter half of the week: the dental stuff I don't want to talk about; a dude at work that I thought was my friend broke ties with me because I wouldn't go out with him (I'm serious); I burnt my hand on a hot pan that I didn't know was hot; I have two tickets to see ALW's Phantom of the Opera touring here in Portland and no one wants to go with me so I have to try to sell a $100 ticket last minute. I've been sad. Not even riled or truly upset about it, just exhausted-sad, like I want to lie down and let the misfortunes wash over me because they're all I know anyway. I'm so glad I have my mother because she's the only one who would even notice how down I am and make a serious effort to help. Thank goodness even some of the people who don't mean anything in this world have a mama, at the very least. Otherwise I would be sure I was just trash that could fade away without anyone noticing. Yeah, those antidepressants definitely haven't been in my system -- look at the way I'm talking-- pfff.

ANYHOO, just ignore that. 

Someone new to the HT page told me she wanted to die through PM the other day. Initially I thought this is the kind of scenario where you can easily be taken in emotionally, only to find it was someone who wanted attention, but I would much rather be "played" a bit than be dismissive, so I've been writing to her here or there. This story has brought people to me: friends, people who looked up to me, people who were stuck with their writing and finally found a kick of inspiration from the text, and even some who wanted to share stories about being in abusive relationships themselves. "The Phantom of the Opera" fandom in general tends to collect young women who are unhappy and jaded by life or men. Coincidentally, I have managed to get one of my other friends who started off as a... god, do I even say the word... fan... to visit the doctor for her serious anxiety. 

With all of that, I have to be able to imagine that somehow, yeah, I have a bit of a platform here, and there was a reason she blurted that to me, so I've told her to visit her doctor, and warned her that our bodies play tricks on us. They make us have delusions that our lives will always suck and we suck and blah blah blah. I hope she listens to me, even if she can't get around to doing it for a while. 

Bleh anyway, I'm going to try to write, because last night not a lot of progress was made. And "Erik" feels so much like I do right now -- I should be able to squeeze out what that's genuinely like and help Lily perceive it. 

-J