1.) Not NEARLY enough action. All they do is sit or stand around, and talk. And THAT'S enough to make him likeable? I don't think so. It's not enough to dress up like her dream man and act mysterious and mildly seductive. Been done a million times before. He needs to be even MORE like a phantom and he needs to have less determinable feelings. He doesn't need to give away in the beginning that he targeted her. She knew almost immediately that he was crushing on her, and that's sort of weakening to his character.

2.) The roleplay needs to be 10x more exciting. More people should get involved, not many, but some. Consider changing how it works. Have more events that need actual BRAIN POWER to think up.

3.) Lily needs to stop being such a sue. She has personality, but she doesn't do nearly enough to justify why he's obsessed with her. She's basically that self-insert girl that gets to live through your fantasy. Real obsession doesn't always have to have a great reason, because it's psychological, and it doesn't help if you're like the Phantom and have a few screws loose. But Lily must have SOMETHING more. If he thinks she's so alive as an actress, then please show more acting. Make up something. Anything. Don't pull an Edward. Don't have him say she's so great when she has demonstrated nothing great, because then everyone will get annoyed. Share her favorite actresses. Have her memorize a play she never intends to do. More Christine business outside of the theater. Maybe she's trying to write her own play. Maybe it's Phantom related. *shrug* Just make Lily cooler.

4.) Work on your Phantom's dialogue. Chapter 6 was horrible. So was chapter 8. It's painfully obvious a single, escapist 19-year-old girl wrote it trying to sound epic, but failed.

5.) Redo the beginning. It's somewhat dramatic. The backstory is fine and necessary, but the way the second half is suddenly about her having found the note... it's just not smooth enough. Maybe by chapter 1 she just explains that she is already being contacted by a note-sender.

6.) As much as you don't want to do it, if you don't, what he says and does will be so transparent. Please develop who he is outside the roleplay. Nobody but you is going to know it, but it makes a big difference that your readers may not be able to put a finger on. You don't have to design his life-story. Just design what kind of person he is, what he deals with irl, what problems he has in specifics, and how he handles them. Otherwise he will appear 1-dimensional, no matter how badly you don't want him to and think you can pull an interesting face character out of your ass based on nothing. You already have snip-its of ideas. Expand expand expand.

7.) Lily needs to get in trouble at least once for all of the excuses to visit the theater. They're bound to find out in some way. It can't be that convenient for her.

8.) You cannot summarize to express development nearly as much. Not being able to see his character shine through their interaction enough make her feelings, and heck, his feelings, hard to believe and accept. The obsession will be even harder. You're taking the easy way out and not being creative enough.

9.) Let's face it, THEIR ROLEPLAYING HAS SUCKED. They can't even pretend to be Christine or Erik anymore because it'll seem random to start at that point. They were SUPPOSED TO at the very beginning, and you failed. You made them themselves, and they had a bunch of stupid hissy-fits trying to figure out what they were doing. Remember this, BIG TIME, when you revise the first draft.


I thought it was great, with a few insecurities, while I was writing it, so it's kind of a downer listing all these real problems I see now. But it's growth. Growth = good. I'm very happy that I at least KNOW what could make it a good story. Sometimes people dislike their story and have no idea what to do.

He's There will need serious surgery by the time I finish and go back. I'm prepared for it. Editing is supposed to be like that.