I was just having some thoughts and kind of wanted to get them out. They're somewhat of a spoiler, but most people that watch me don't even read He's There.

I haven't worked out everything about the Phantom yet, but I knew that at the very least, I had to understand his feelings in more elaborate form.

I think what people might guess when they read this is that he's got some kind of malicious flare or something, it's just hidden. But the truth is that his feelings are completely sincere. That doesn't mean that it's a good thing. Completely sincere feelings are what lead people to doing plenty of devastating things.

We already know that to be obsessed about, you don't have to be the most amazing person in the world. It's all about the psyche of the obsessor and how that sort of thing grows.

When he first saw Lily, it wasn't some schmaltzy love-at-first-sight sort of thing. He really just noticed that he didn't have any hatred for her. He was in high school for one, so how can you not hate most of the people there? It wasn't that he wanted to dislike others, he would have preferred to enjoy being social and let his peeves go, but it just didn't work that way. He had some friends, he wasn't a total loner, it's just in general, he wanted to go home and be by himself. Lily was just a freshman that he realized he kind of liked. Maybe because she was picked on, maybe because she had some sort of talent cultivating, or he thought she was pretty. His obsession for her didn't grow because she appeared to get any cooler. It was more like, he found that she was a happy thought, and wanted to hold on to it, wanted to actually try to soak himself in one good thing. Like he wanted to get himself to like her even more, just so he could like something. And this was part of no endeavor to actually date her. At the time, he thought that he was accepting the fact that that was just out of the question, and in general he was pretty pessimistic about his whole existence. It's just, he succeeded. He got himself to instead of crush on her, actually start monitoring her every day until he graduated (except he didn't graduate, because he didn't have enough credits.)

He also knew about her Phantom of the Opera obsession, which he had and didn't really talk about. And somewhere along the lines, he just had this concept, which he again tried to feed to himself in order for it to grow, that she was some kind of Christine. The closest thing to Christine that anyone could be, even though she actually didn't look much like her, or could sing. But again, she was in theater arts and fairly attractive. And her hair was dark. That was good enough for him. So again, instead of what the person obsessed over actually is, this was his psyche doing the work. I know this is kind of a funny thing to mention, but it reminds me of that Invader Zim episode where a boy was obsessed with being Dib's friend and would stalk him everywhere. Then Zim somehow got him to hallucinate Dib in a squirrel, so he would see him up in a tree chewing on nuts. From then on, he obsessively followed the squirrel. So as I said... Lily is for sure a swell girl, but she was in no way comparable to a beautiful, angelic opera-singer, albeit stuck in a high school girl's body and life, the way the Phantom slowly starts to think.

When he left high school, no matter how much he hated everything about it, it was what he knew. It was a predictable, stable environment, and also one where he could monitor his Christine. Being thrown out into the real world, without a diploma, hopeless, probably in a lot of conflict with his family, left him feeling really blank and confused what to do, and it helped him just thinking about this one girl that he still didn't know at all. At this point, he had no control over the matter anymore. He couldn't be that non-interfering spectator. He had nothing but thoughts of her, when he realized that that wasn't good enough; he really wanted to go out and get her, and could succeed in the only way he knew how. In the way that actually fascinated him, too.

When it comes to the roleplay that they're now in, the Phantom sincerely believes and probably is in love with her. Never said that it was good or bad love, or that it was justified, but it is. And his only goal is to get him and her attached at the hip. All he wants is just to set aside the kind of person he is and the kind of life he has to live in a story and to have this girl that he's slowly revolved his whole thoughts and world around. Being obsessed with this ideal and insisting that it happen has lead him to ignore everything about this wish that makes it inconvenient and wrong. He didn't think that far ahead. He completely covets. Lily starts feeling like none of the important things are important anymore, like school, or keeping other relationships, or having a future... He doesn't mind that. When Lily's friends are concerned about her and even take action to mellow down the roleplay, he just sees it as a problem she needs to destroy. He's the Phantom only to her, and has been too good to her at this point, so she's convinced she's in love too, and that all of these things which her gut tells her is bad, is worth it.

But since this is an irrational, obsessive, dangerous love, it's obvious that it won't work. Or at least, it won't work the way it is. Just knowing the ending of this makes me extremely curious if or how they could meet again and what it would be like, and what it would become. Or if both would still love the other. Or have grown out of it. Lily's the kind of person where I don't think she would, and neither would him. But it would still be way different. Or who knows. Maybe they would try to roleplay again. It's an unhealthy decision, but so is this whole story.


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I don't ask for comments much, but it'd be kind rad if I got any for this.
I actually enjoy writing essays like above.