May eventually post it on fanfiction.net as they have an actual Adventures in Wonderland section! Scarcely occupied, but there nonetheless. ^^ This part is far better than the first.




He's Having My Baby – Part 2

When each caught sight of the other, they shared a similar uncomfortable face. Hare though, seemed guilty. Hatter... well...

"You don't think... that... that..." Hare began.

"No. No of course not. I mean it's not for certain. ...It could've been a number a people."

"What?!"

The doctor just stood there and listened.

"I..."

"You..." Hare swished his arms around, desperate to hear words he maybe already knew.

"Well you know how I am."

Hare turned his face in a direction Hatter couldn't see so well and gulped. "Yeah, of course... you're right... it... could've been a number of people... like you said..."

"Well! Good luck!" The doctor interjected. Hatter and Hare just stared at him looking a mixture of lazy and pissed.

"But."

"Hey, if you want to sleep with everyone in Wonderland, I can't do anything about it. I'm just a doctor."

Cuts to the hallway. Hare emerges from a door and waits for Hatter, who wobbles out with both hands holding his belly. They sigh when they realize they have to find Alice.

"She's gonna wanna know the verdict, Hatter."

"Well no shit," Hatter replied, dropping his mouth into a pouty frown.

"... Maybe we should just tell everyone you're dying... you know.. until you're sure who the father is."

"Or the mother."

"Y-...yeeees...."

They reached the lobby and could spot Alice sitting with a magazine next to a small potted flower with a heart-shaped "get well" balloon sticking out of the soil along with it. Hatter frowned even more. He pulled Hare off to the side before they reached her. "Look. Just tell her I have AIDS."

"But Hatter... that's a sexually transmitted disease. It's going to come back to you rolling in Wonderlandian hay anyway."

"Okay fine, cancer."

"What kind?"

"There are kinds?"

Hare grimaces. "Why don't you let me handle it, Mr. Beachball."

They come up to Alice and stop, their shadows looming over her magazine. She slaps it closed and smiles hopefully at Hatter. "Well what did the doctor say?" The Hare inhaled sharply as if he were just about to inform Alice that he had accidentally ran over her cat.

"Well, it's like this..."

Alice lifted her hand as if to say "go on".

"It's...gas. That's what it is," Hare said finally. Her face scrunched up in disbelief.

"Gas? Are you sure?"

"Yes, that's all it is," Hatter piped up. "Now if you'll excuse us, Alice, we have a little trip to take to Wonderland Pharmacy." He did a jogging motion as if to emphasize their need to skedaddle.

"Okay. I hope you feel better, Mr. Hatter," she called after them as they fled the scene.

After about half a mile they stopped to catch their breaths. Hatter stared directly at Hare. "Gas? Really? What the fuck was that?"

"Oh, and your AIDS and generic cancer stories would've been sooo convincing," the Hare flapped his hands in annoyance. He didn't need this shit. "I mean, I would've loved to see you explain to little Alice as to how you contracted HIV," Hare continued mockingly.

Hatter elbowed him in the side. "Shut up! Those were the only diseases I could think of on short notice that didn't sound like total bullshit!"

Passersby were beginning to stare at the odd couple but they didn't appear to notice or care. "Well, now that we've lied to a little girl you realize we're going to have to convince everyone else also. Obviously we need to get rid of the baby," Hare started reasonably.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where do you get off telling me to get rid of my baby," Hatter put his hands on his hips, utterly pissed at his friend and possible baby....daddy...thing. "Besides, I don't know of any abortion clinics in Wonderland, do you?"

Hare hesitated. "I could push you down the stairs. Or, actually, now would be a good time to develop an alcohol problem."

"Um. No. Listen, we're in deep shit here. We're up to our eyeballs. We just need to put our heads together and make an informed decision, especially with the baby coming—"

Hatter stopped midsentence and looked down to his round little friend. "Hare..."

"What?" Hare answered, instinctively placing his hands on Hatter's shoulders.

"I don't wanna have the baby before I know whose it is!" He whined.

"Ohhh, Hatter. Well... we just need to round up who exactly has been sleeping with you and ... oh hell... I don't know... call up Maury?"

"But... but... I really don't wanna talk about who I've been sleeping with."

They reached Hatter's house and quickly entered, approaching the stairs to go sit in the attic, but Hatter didn't appear to be making it. Hare carefully lead him to a seat where they were and he breathed laboriously.

".... Are you too afraid to tell even me?" Hare asked with his back turned.

"Well... I mean... there's you... and... and... Tweedle Dee..."

"YOU WHAT?!" Hare wailed, turning towards him with fire in his eyes. Hatter darted his eyes around. "WITH HIM?! OH MY GODDD."

"And Dum..."

Hare rose his hands and tangled them in his hair as he paced before the window.

"A few hot Wonderland women... you know... And men. …But I promise. Not caterpillar." Hare's pacing slowed and stopped. His shoulders slumped in relief. "But Rabbit." They rose again at the speed of light. "ONCE. ONCE!!!!"

"H-H..."

"I wanted to see what it was like! I'll never go back! I promise! He's terrible at it. Not to mention furry." Hare gasped. "I MEAN I LIKE FURRY. But not that much." Hare bit his lip and crossed his arms. "Cute furry... like you know, maybe a pair of ears..." He immediately stopped with the mushy stuff once he realized he was doing it.

Hare didn't seem to have appreciated the comment as much as Hatter hoped he would. Instead, he hovered near the door.

"I... think I should give you your space." He could tell Hatter didn't want him to go, but that was of no difference. "It's your baby and you have some things to think about, obviously."

"But... Hare... we always think together."

"N-not about stuff like this."

"But.-"

"I'll try to handle the questions I'm bound to get from everyone else and you just rest. Y-you need it." He twitched his nose a little and lowered his head as he seeped out the front door.

"Wait!" Hatter hollered. Hare turned around to stare at him, unblinking. "Okay, first of all, we really have never had any other experience that could possibly compare to this, so you can shove that," Hatter paused to put on a retarded expression and voice, "'N-not about stuff like this.'" Hare raised his gloved hand in objection but Hatter went on, with a more solemn tone. "Besides, I honestly think, or, at least, I'm pretty sure, that you're the father."

Hare was gobsmacked. "What?"

"It's well known that you hares have a 41-42 day gestation period. How else could I have gotten pregnant this fast?"

"B-but...wouldn't that fact that you're a human affect that?"

Hatter rolled his eyes. "Well, duh! But still, there's no other logical explanation."

An awkward pause passed over them. "Hatter, there's really no logical explanation for you being pregnant. You're a man," Hare pointed out as if this wasn't readily apparent.

"How true that is. However, I kind of fucking am, so there goes that argument. Captain Obvious."

"If your shitty mood is any indication," Hare retorted, liking this less and less by the second.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Hare. Next time we'll get you knocked up and you can see what a barrel of laughs it is!" Hatter squished his lips together and looked down sadly at his stomach. "How is the little bastard supposed to get out anyway?"

"With a wirehanger," Hare muttered. Hatter glared at him.

"My God, what if he's born with your ears? Or your teeth? I hope those genes are recessive."

"Better born with my genes than your dipshittery!"

Just then they noticed Alice who had wandered up to the door behind Hare. She seemed very confused. They didn't even give her a proper welcoming, they just stared.

"You guys left me at the hospital." She finally remarked.

Hatter blinked a whole mess of times and switched the legs he was crossing. "...I-it's not that long of a walk."

"It is for a little girl without any directions."

"Well Young Alice, you're the one that comes here all the time."

As they continued their quarrel, Hare seemed like a snake had slithered up his pants. Eventually the two were silent, waiting for him to pick a side.

"I-I need some tea if I'm gonna deal with this any longer."

He dashed past her and went for the teapots. Alice watched him in his desperate search of the table and looked back to Hatter. "...What's the matter with him?"