Where we last left off, Hare was threatening suicide on the bridge... Yeah, I actually wrote the next part by myself. I wrote something. Something that didn't terribly suck... Admittedly, it wasn't much quality-wise, but the story itself isn't supposed to be, so I'm giving myself a break.

I think... I think the next part may be the last. And since Kate and I had a funny idea for it, I'd feel bad just snatching it away. That and she's funnier than me. So I'm going to wait until the issue we're having boils over so we can finish it together.

Anyway, funny excerpt:

“You know, um,” Dum starts up again. “What I find particularly useful about Hare is that he always has just what we need in his coat pockets.”

Everyone on the bridge fervently agrees.

“I mean who's gonna have the pears or the bananas or the zucchinis when we need them?” Dum continues.

“I wouldn't... use the zucchini if I were you.” Alice mentions. Everyone's chatter suddenly dies down.

“Wow, Alice, I never thought you would go there.” Dee says.

“But she has a point...” Rabbit finally voices. “I cahn't tell you how many gay jokes we've had the pleasure of sharing.”

“It just wouldn't be right to make fun of a dead gay guy...” Dum trails on.

“Especially one that invited us to so many tea parties,” Dee tries, again, helplessly.

“Those were technically my tea parties, you guys.” Hatter raises a finger in the background, but they don't seem to be paying attention.

He's Having My Baby – Part 9

Dee narrows his eyes. “Yeah, well if my own brother's deserting me, I guess it doesn't really matter what I do with my life after this.” He steps on to the bridge as well. Hare begins to huff and puff a little as his friends crowd about him in his time of despair.

“Do you see what they're getting at, Hare?” The Queen pipes up. She steps forward, away from Hatter as he holds his belly and looks on to the four crowded on top the bridge. “Every one of us is part of a friendship, even you. A friendship where we need all of the components to function. And when you have true friends, all it takes is one person upset, and the whole group is upset. In this case, they're all going to kill themselves.”

“I'm really not going to do it,” Rabbit tries one last time.

“None of us are actually going to do it, is what Mr. Rabbit means,” Alice corrects, “But even he would be part of that chain reaction, if you actually followed through, Mr. Hare.”

“No, I really wouldn't. We're not that great of friends, and, you know, I-I-I-I... I... I would get over it.”

Hare blinks a few times and frowns.

“Don't listen to Rabbit,” Dum tries, “The Queen has a point. The group really would be broken without you.”

“Yeah, I mean, we need you to make retarded near-sighted remarks,” Dee adds.

“That make us feel better about ourselves!” Alice chirps.

“Yeah, I mean, just looking at you makes me feel ten times better every day!” Dum finishes.

“Okay, yeah, that's kind of what I meant, but let's steer this in a different direction, okay?” Dee finishes up. They all turn to make sure Hare's feathers aren't too ruffled. He's still frozen over the railing, puffing through his nostrils.

“You know, um,” Dum starts up again. “What I find particularly useful about Hare is that he always has just what we need in his coat pockets.”

Everyone on the bridge fervently agrees.

“I mean who's gonna have the pears or the bananas or the zucchinis when we need them?” Dum continues.

“I wouldn't... use the zucchini if I were you.” Alice mentions. Everyone's chatter suddenly dies down.

“Wow, Alice, I never thought you would go there.” Dee says.

“But she has a point...” Rabbit finally voices. “I cahn't tell you how many gay jokes we've had the pleasure of sharing.”

“It just wouldn't be right to make fun of a dead gay guy...” Dum trails on.

“Especially one that invited us to so many tea parties,” Dee tries, again, helplessly.

“Those were technically my tea parties, you guys.” Hatter raises a finger in the background, but they don't seem to be paying attention.

“Well you've invited me to many tea parties at your home, too, Mr. Hare,” Alice continues. “And they were all lovely and special in their own way because of you. You even give me cookies to take home... Hatter's never done that. He's too damn selfish to give up cookies.”

Hare continues to clutch the railing and stare off in space.

“Lastly...” Hatter steps forward. “Who in the hell is going to help me raise this baby?! I can't do it alone! You guys know me! I can't do this!”

Everyone nods solemnly.

“Although when you think about it, Hare's not really equip with the material or emotional tools to raise a child either, I-I... I would say. “ Rabbit tries.

“Okay, seriously, Mr. Rabbit? If you're not going to be constructive, just go. We all know you can't stand Mr. Hare, but really, making comments that could drive a man to actual suicide? Not cool.”

Rabbit looks to Alice incredulously. He wets his lips with his tongue and wrings his hands.

“Rrreally, Alice, I would have been back at the palace taking a bubble bahth by now if Hare were threatening suicide for any other reason, but I really must interject for the child's sake when I say you all know these two couldn't possibly father.. a... a... a real little boy or girl, right?” Suddenly the Queen starts flailing her arms about.

“No shit, they are not competent to raise a child alone! Hell, the two act like little children themselves! Obviously it's going to be a group project! The point is that whatever's in Hatter's belly deserves a father. When it comes to the rest... we've just got to make lemonade with our lemons.”

“Where the hell does lemonade come into any of this?” Hatter suddenly asks.

They give him bedraggled looks and turn back to Hare, taking note of his posture and expression. Whether he has been following this conversation or not is unclear. The group all sags their shoulders when suddenly Hatter sinks into himself and buckles his knees.

“What's wrong, Hatter?!” The Queen hovers around him in alarm as he rocks back and forth like he's holding in going to the bathroom. Hare's vacant eyes suddenly blink to life at the sound of his buddy moaning on the ground.

“I... I... I think my... ghghh... what do you call it...”

“You're having the baby?!” Alice asks.

“NO, no, NOOOO.” He screams in her general direction without looking up.

“I think his water broke!” Dum points out. The group stares at him in realization. “And I never thought I would have to say something like that.”

“AGHGH, well what in the name of JESUS are you doing just standing there?! Help me up! Help me up!”

“You need to take him to the hospital!” The Queen suggests. The Tweedles rush past Hare and rest Hatter's arms on their shoulders. Everybody else is sort of bustling about the trio.

“I've got a car parked just down this way!” Dee shouts, pointing in a random direction.

“But what about Hare?!” Alice tries again, hoping she's not asking a stupid question.

“Who gives a godamn bloody hell about him?!!!” Hatter screams as they lug him off, curling his fingers in the back's of the Tweedles' shirts. “If he doesn't love me or my child, then consider this friendship over! And thanks a whole fucking lot for ruining my life! Asshole!”

Alice frowns as the group scrambles off. She turns back to Hare, who she finds, to her surprise, sauntering lifelessly down the bridge. His mouth is agape, his face is pink, and his hands are dangling at his side with nothing to do. They look each other in the eye for a second and he moseys past her, in the direction of his now ex-lover. Alice catches up to him and clutches his hand, leading him to the others.


When Hare and Alice emerge from the bushes, they're hurried by the Queen and Rabbit into the car without so much as a goodbye. Before Hare knows it, he's squished next to a harshly inhaling and exhaling Hatter, closing the back door whilst they roll away. The Queen and an apathetic Rabbit standing together grow in distance behind the car as they rush towards a stop sign and Dee accidentally hurls everyone forward when he hits the break. Out of protective instinct, Hare clutches Hatter's wrist and lets go before it gets awkward.

“Okay Hatter, we're going to practice our breathing-” Alice says from the other side of Hatter, swishing her hands around. Hare can't believe this is fucking happening.

“Our breathing?”

“Yes! We'll do this together! 1, 2, 3, breathe!” Hatter obeys. “1, 2, 3, breathe!” He obeys again. “You're doing great!”

“Okay good, but I don't see the point in th-”

“1, 2, 3, breathe!” Hatter inhales sharply when Tweedle Dee makes one hell of a turn and sends them all to their left. Hare sways into Hatter on accident and tenses his shoulders.

“Hey! Watch where you're being thrown!” Hatter orders. As the car swerves to its destination and Alice helps Hatter stay composed, his embarrassed ex-companion shrivels into himself and feels his eyes suddenly pack with fresh tears.

“Dee, you made the WRONG turn! Go around that way!”

“1... 2... 3... “

“Oghghgh Goddd...” Hare projects in a raspy wail. They all fly forward at another stop sign and he feels his arms, beyond all his control, protect Hatter again. He lets go as quick as he can and keeps his head lowered when a heavy hand reaches around his shoulders and pulls him forward. When he looks up to see if it's the right person, everything gathering in his eyes rolls down his face and patters on Hatter's lap. Hatter's anxiety-stricken face suddenly softens.

“Hare, are you okay?” He asks without really realizing the answer is obvious.

“Oh, Hatter! I never meant to do this to you! I never meant to ruin your life when I.. I.. I... all I ever wanted was for you to know how much I.. I..”



He chokes on the words and buries his face into his shirt. Hatter locks his arm tightly around him.

“Oh, Hare! It okay! Well actually, it's not okay, and it is your fault, but I... I love you! We're going to get through this, like we always do, and Rabbit's wrong! He's a godamn prick and he's not getting anywhere the baby!”

“You really mean it?!”

“Yes!”

“Oh, Hatterrr!! But what about the nursery?! What do we paint it?!”

“I said coral, remember?!”

“Ohhh! Yes! Coral! I remember now! Oh my Goddd, it's going to be beautiful!”

“We're having a babyyy!!” Hatter bawls, his mouth falling so far down it looks like he's got eight chins.

“I love you SO MUCHHHH!” Hare screams like he's in pain. Alice looks on confusedly as they start to grope each other and kiss sloppily.



They continue, even as the turns of the car sway them in each direction, including into Alice. She and Dum meet eyes and silently agree never to speak of this again after that night.