It's funny how this thing got so freaking long... It's really in the short-story realm now, so I will not be posting it on ff.net as a single part one-shot. I mean... who ever heard of a one-shot that was 30-40 pages?!
Well, I'll say it like it's completely new since I know some people on this journal don't hear from me anywhere else: Richard Kuhlman/Cheshire Cat sent me a tape of AIW outtakes, from 1993, with a note on the case from Patrick Richwood/Rabbit. It was loopy cursive saying "ENJOY!". XD
You know, I haven't been writing for AIW at all, I haven't had time to watch it... This whole summer has been hectic. But the bloopers brought me back to sorta this bliss! They make an old show long gone feel like a wonderful gift that is alive as anything could ever be, and I feel so proud to be an AIW fan, and extremely lucky that someone who was there is generous enough to send me this treasure from his past.
So... today I felt ready to write the next part, and I got heavily into shipping H/H, lol. I'm worried the bloopers might've actually done the strengthening of this ship, for some reason I can't even articulate. It's not like anything overtly slashy happened in them... I don't know...
Anyway, it's weird that I'm writing most of this without really sharing. Neither Carrie, nor Rema, nor Glance have seen it (I think?) butttt... I feel really happy with it.
It was going to be a silly one-shot at first.
And it's definitely packed with jokes and pokes at the H/A shippers,
but... I think it got deeper. Because with a parody of that ship, I find myself expressing, with exaggeration of course, my feelings about what it entitles, and reminds me why I wouldn't want Hare with anyone else in my absence. Once, my opposition of H/A was because I didn't want Hatter to be with less than he deserved, but I also now don't want Hare to be. I know he cares about Hatter and I don't want to see him alone, even if there is some situation and some older!Alice that wouldn't make a bad match with Hatter. No matter how plausible H/A could be, I just think to myself "it couldn't be better than the love Hare could offer." Isn't he good enough? Why does a made up version of a character Hatter never had much interest in have to come in and take that away?
Okay! *clears throat*
Here's the part.
The following morning, Rabbit rolled warily out to the courtyard and inspected the plants. His cautious movement and cringes made it clear he was in pain the whole way... Ever since the day before he had been following her Majesty and her new mate around like a loyal dog, picking them flowers, chauffeuring them to the mall, then to the movies, then back home. Then went up and down the wine cellar stairs surely twenty times until the Queen was happy with their booze of choice. He was happy Alice was back, with all of his heart, but didn't know why she spent the whole evening at the palace, way past bunny-bedtime. He supposed now that womanhood had come to stay, they had much more reason to hang around each other.
Luckily this morning the Queen was deep in work upstaging the Duchess in some... parade... whatever it was, and he had inconspicuously disappeared after breakfast.
When he reached the front gate, he leaned forward and sighed while staring off in space. When he thought it safe, he gingerly pulled out a flask and unscrewed it with his eyes darting. Just as it reached his lips, a less than charming nasal voice called to him from the bushes, sending him for a jolt.
He looked over and it was Hare, looking confused and troubled, as per usual, and coming towards him with his hands out. Rabbit sighed raggedly while tucking his special drink back into his vest.
"H-Hi Rabbit. Oh, I'm so glad you're here alone."
"Yyyyess... How lucky am I..." He answered to a nearby tree instead of Hare's face.
"I've got something really important I need to ask you..." Hare began, hands fidgeting.
"Well you can mar~ch right back to Hatta~'s and tell him we will not be lending him any more cups of sugar."
"No, no! It's not anything to do with that! We... haven't cooked together in weeks..." Hare guilty confessed, an open frown rolling down his chin.
"Well? Then what is it! I haven't got all day."
Suddenly Hare looked sheepish, as if he weren't expecting Rabbit to actually listen to his troubles in the first place. Rabbit leaned forward impatiently, almost tapping their cute bunny ears together.
"The Queen could come out here any minute and-"
"It's about Hatter!" Hare blurted, then bit his lip. Rabbit put his hand on his hip. "I think he's making a big mistake, and it's because I made a mistake, and now I don't know what to do and he's off... he's off being... just... He's gonna, h-h-he's gonna make anoth- that mistake! Like I said! You know?"
"...Honestly, He'a~, I have no clue what you're trying to say."
"D-did I say it was about Hatter? Oy..."
Rabbit raised his eyebrow. "What about Hatta~, now?"
"He... smells nice?- Not that I would know! He wears a top hat! Is what I meant. And he's yay tall..." He raised his hand accordingly and desperately chuckled. Some birds chirped in the distance as Rabbit sorted this out.
"So let me get this straight... You came all the way to the palace, at 9:30 in the morning, to tell me... Hatta~ wears a hat, and is yay tall." Rabbit made a corresponding height gesture. "Because I know this is surprising... But I saw him yesterday. In fact, I saw him this morning on the Queen's morning jog. And he did in fact fit your criteria," he snarked. Hare took a few steps back and frowned. "Oh, spit it out. What's an old bunny like me supposed to do about it anyway?" Hare looked on, thinking how to explain his way into this one. "If it's about that crush you've had on him for yea~s, I, I, I really don't-"
"What?!" Though Hare was startled, Rabbit just rolled his eyes.
"Oh please, He'a~... You cahn't hide your feelings from us. We know you better than you think."
Hare took a few gulps and wrung his hands, then exploded with passion. "Oh RABBIT, I don't know what to doooo! I can't TAKE it any longer!" He brought his hands to his cheeks and looked about ready to rip his own face off.
"Here, here~, I thought you two were friends with benefits-"
"-Aghhh, only sometimes! It's never enough..."
Rabbit grimaced, shying away from Hare's hand, which had landed on his forearm, fishing for pity. "W-w-w-why are you coming to me about this? ...Isn't there someone you usually talk to about this stuff?"
Hare brushed his misted eyes with his sleeve and sniffed. "Yes, there is, but I don't think Hatter would take it very well." He had a point.
"Well I... I suppose you want some kind of advice?"
"Only if you have advice! If you don't, I'll just be on my love-sickened way!" Hare said, breathing heavily and cupping his hands.
"Well... I suppose if you really want him to notice you once and for all... But it's going to take a lot of wor~k."
Hare blinked a few times as Rabbit's eyes traversed him head to toe.
"W-what kind of ideas did you have in mind?"
"You'll need a hai~r-cut, that's for sure..." The comment made Hare tighten his collar a little and shrivel into himself defensively. "Could you stand to lose the glasses?"
"No... I like always seeing where I am?..."
"Hmmm..." Rabbit tilted his head.
"This really wasn't the kind of advice I had in mind. I don't think Hatter cares what I look like."
"Apparently we've known a different Hatta~..." They shared an awkward glance. "But alright, if you're not in a hurry to get l-"
"RABBIT, WHERE ARE YOU." The two of them jumped a good foot off the ground at the sound of the Queen's thunderous voice, echoing across the checkered floor as she made her way outside. She was still in her nightgown, a cup of tea in hand.
"Oh, h-h-hi, Yo'a~ Majesty... I was just about to cut you some roses, when He'a~ showed up for a chat."
She gave them a suspicious eye.
"Chat? You two never chat. What were you two Chuckleheads chatting about?" Hare sunk even further into himself, if that were possible, and like that, the Queen was standing right in front of him squinting at a small bead of sweat running down his temple. She could sense his unease like blood in the water. Hare's eyes drifted to Rabbit, whose shoulders sagged in defeat.
"Oh, you might as well tell her. She pretty much suspects. In fact, we've had many conversations about it."
"Conversations about what?!" The Queen asked practically into Hare's ear. He flinched and gathered his lip under his teeth with closed eyes.
"You know, about the two of them maybe being... perpetually engaged for the pahst... oh, 15 yea~s, give or take..."
"Oh yeahhhh." The Queen grinned at Hare like he was really "special". He still seemed flabbergasted that anybody had even a slight inkling he was attracted to his best friend.
"Oh come on now, don't be embarrassed. The man's beautiful. Hell, if I were 10 years younger... Look, that's not the point-"
"B-b-but your Majesty, we're not engaged!!"
"And I assume you came to the palace to ask if you should tell him?! He could be interested. Why not?"
"He does know, he just-"
"Yoa~ Majesty, please, you don't need to white lie to the poor bastard," Rabbit broke in.
"I'm being SERIOUS," she uttered, flailing in his direction. He sunk into the floor.
"But Your Majesty!" Hare broke over the two of them desperately. "The problem isn't just wooing him! I have to woo him away from someone!"
Suddenly both the Queen and Rabbit looked befuddled.
"...He wants to be with Alice."
"Alice?! ...D-did we know more than one?" Rabbit asked, stroking his whiskers a little.
"Oh for GOD'S SAKE," Hare accidentally seethed. He took a deep breath. "No. There's only one Alice and she's gonna take him away from me-eee~!" He half-sobbed. Rabbit patted him on the shoulder, feeling really uncomfortable as the Queen gave him a long agonizing, disgusted stare.
After some time, a proper reaction came to her. "Oh he did not go there," she pronounced, snapping her fingers. Hare weakly smiled, spirits slightly lifted that someone as respected as the Queen felt similarly.
"...A-am I right to stop this?"
"Honey, you are that man's keeper! We are supposed to be Alice's family away from home, and now he's after her within a day because she's grown up?! I knew I saw a twinkle in his perverse little eye... No offense."
"None taken," Hare answered.
Before anything else was said, she raised her hand to his chest and pushed him down into a patio chair.
"Now here's what you've gotta do..." she began, with Rabbit and Hare all ears. (no pun) "If you want him to know, once and for all, that you are interested in him, and you won't take no for an answer, you have to be more assertive! Your romantic efforts have to slap him clear across the face. I'm not talking leave-him-roses-on-his-doorstep. You are gonna be in his tub with the roses when he walks through the door."
"Oh, but I don't know about that..." Hare trailed, placing a hand on his heart and looking to the floor, cheeks beginning to redden.
"You have to do this stuff, eventually. I'm telling you, that man is dense as marble."
"But..."
"Shut up. It's that 'but' that has kept you a virgin all these years." Hare's legs snapped all the way shut. "Just quiet and do what I say and you can lead him into the bedroom by the bowtie."
"O-okay."
"Alright, now listen here..."
* * *
Hatter was lounging in front of the television screen watching the Hat Channel when the keyhole of his front door began to jingle. He paid no heed as Hare entered the house and came quietly down the hall, stopping at his side.
"H-Hi, Hatter."
"Hey, Hare," Hatter responded without looking.
"M-mind if I sit?"
Hatter, taking an impolite amount of time, slid his feet off the couch and left room for Hare only to awkwardly lower and look to his friend at the opposite side.
After the commercial break, we're going to show you a hatter architect, who has made beautiful replicas of popular buildings using nothing but tophats! Stay tuned!
Hatter grinned at the screen and returned his legs in front of him. Hare took it as his chance to act and scooted over until they were shoulder to shoulder. Hatter noted it with a simple turn of the head. "Heh..." Hare tried to break the ice. "I hope you weren't lonely this morning. I had some errands to run."
"Oh that's okay! Hah. I was busy myself."
"Hmph!" ...He turned to him as well, knowing they'd nearly tap noses. "You're not busy anymore, are you?" They shared direct eye contact for a good five seconds before Hatter leaned forward to retrieve something on the table.
"Nnnope! Nope! I finished it just in time." Hare looked down and found a card in Hatter's lap, covered in sharpie-drawn hearts. He smiled a moment before the cover was opened. "I wanted to tell Alice I was really really sorry for being so forward yesterday and... maybe ask if we could just go bowling or something." The smile forming on Hare's face disappeared.
"Oh... That's..." He took a deep breath. Hatter could feel the air reach his own hands. "That's great. You know - you and I haven't gone bowling in a while..."
"Yeah, uh well..." Hatter scratched the back of his head. "We get busy. Heh! You know? Maybe some time."
The show was back on, so Hare remained at his side, hands neatly on his lap. His concentration journeyed from the table in front of them, to his shoes, to the floor, until finally the show had ended and Hatter stood up. "Excuuuse me..." Hatter said cheerily, ruffling Hare's hair with his passing hand. Hare made him room and then stood up to follow him as he headed for the door.
"Where ya going?"
"Oh, I heard from the Tweedles that Alice was visiting to help them pick out a tree. May as well let her know she doesn't have to feel awkward around me, right?!"
Without waiting for his friend, he went out the door and into the forest in no time. Hare had gotten as far as the gate before his walking slowed and shoulders slumped. "What about our tree?..." He whined.
* * *
Alice sat on a rock with a wide grin on her face, Tweedle Dum right next to her. They were watching Dee circle a particular tree of interest and joking all the while.
"You know, at one point or another, I'm gonna need both your help," Dee reminded them.
"Oh hey, you guys!" A voice called. All three looked around and spotted Hatter strolling over, card in hands. Alice sort of hid behind Dum. "I had nothing better to do so I thought I'd come by." Like God hated her that day, he took a seat next to Alice, criss-crossed in the grass. He looked up to her and smiled. "And-...I wanted to give this to you, Alice." He extended his arm and she took the card reluctantly, reading it with a straight mouth.
"Oh!...Heh... That's really nice of you." She handed it back to him. "It means a lot." She nodded, and he began to, but he looked at the card in his hand with discouragement before handing it back to her.
"You can keep it, you know."
"That's okay," she replied, keeping her smile. Dum cocked an eyebrow.
"I-I drew it myself. See that's me..." He pointed to a purple stick figure. "And that's you... And um, uhh... Well you're holding a bowling ball. I made it hot pink. You know, 'cause..." He swished his hand like it was obvious. Alice just darted her eyes. "Girls like... pink..."
"I've always been more of a blue-girl myself."
"I like blue too!" Dum added. Hatter caught sight of him and his brow dropped like a sack of potatoes. Dum was sure he was getting dagger-eyes at that point.
Though the tree-hunt went on, Hatter remained like a third wheel. Or should I say, forth. At one point he tried helping Alice measure a tree by holding down the step ladder and leaning a little too far into the back of her, which just got some pained expressions from the Tweedles when she hurried back down and moved away, smoothing out her skirt.
Once they had found the perfect specimen and leaned it in the corner of the Tweedles' living room, they had a late lunch and played Jenga a little while before Alice said she had another date at the palace. Hatter followed her out the door and stopped her before she could so much as step off the front porch.
"So did you think about that whole bowling thing?" Hatter tried, nodding like he was sure she'd say yes.
"Mr. Hatter..."
"Oh please, call me Hatter!" She sighed and fixed some of her hair behind her ear.
"Hatter... It's sweet of you to want to work this out. But I don't think I'm ready right now. This is just a really big surprise, and..." Hatter's lips sunk down his chin. She looked around a bit and crossed her arms. "I-I-I thought you were gay."
"An opportunist is a more accurate... description."
"...What?"
"I-I-I like women. B-but men too."
"Okay. Well... It's been nice seeing you. Thank you for helping us with the tree. I've gotta get going."
She began to walk but heard her new suitor's footsteps directly behind her. She turned around once more.
"I'll walk you there! Wouldn't wanna get lost again, would you?"
"Actually, the Tweedles pretty much showed me around. It was those blasted signs that threw me off until I remembered what they meant," she reassured. As she began to walk again, Hatter pouted in the background, then ran up to her side once more.
"I could keep you company!"
"Okay..."
They went right along and Hatter kept himself just an inch or two back so he could stare at the back/top of her head. He wondered what kind of shampoo she was using. He remembered when all she would wear in her hair were cute little bows, and now she had replaced them with a diamond barrette. Truly magnificent. So sophisticated.
When they reached the courtyard, Alice didn't really stop to say goodbye, but turned on her heel and waved at him. He waved back and kept his smile until he could no longer see her, then trudged back where they came from.
As he walked the forest, the light dimming as another day ended, he decided to go and harass the Caterpillar again, as he was sure by now his previous advice had failed him.
* * *
The clock struck eight when Hatter returned home, hair in disarray and tequila on his breath. His walk was fairly straight to the kitchen - perhaps he had only had a single drink to smooth the edges. After downing a glass of water, he decided he needed a shower and started up the stairs. "He has some nerve telling me I'm... t-telling me I'm overstepping my boundaries..." He muttered.
He threw his coat onto the bed and absentmindedly opened the bathroom door, finding Hare in the tub, naked as could be. He looked up with chattering teeth.
"HARE! What the hell are you doing?!"
"I... You should've been here like an hour ago!" He dodged, covering himself up.
"What'd I miss?!" He asked, angry and still confused.
Hare looked down to his pudgy water-glazed tummy and hugged his knees, frowning at the clear water that had once been filled with grapefruit-scented bubbles. A couple of tea lights on the shelf were burned dry. He sighed and nothing more.
Hatter tightened his lips and held to the door frame. "Oh. Oh God." Hatter remained in silence, but he heard Hare make a soft sound, perhaps to do with being freezing and embarrassed, and hurried over to grab a towel. "Come on, Hare," he ordered, looking to the floor and stretching the towel out. A few splashes followed before it was taken from him. His companion then turned around and Hatter watched his freckled back as he blotted himself dry with another towel. He sighed heavily.
"I had no idea you were waiting for me," he said, but Hare didn't answer. His eyes wandered to a tape-player on the toilet lid, and some oils on the counter top. It occurred to him immediately what the plans were and, quite unusually, began to blush. To make it worse, Hare turned around and had gone cherry red. "What's this all about?"
Hare's round chocolate-chip eyes dropped as he groped for a reply. Hatter got a little lost in his bright pink cheeks and frizzled hair. Even though he was wearing nothing but a towel and his glasses had condensation, he was cute as a button.
"I just wanted you... to be excited to see me again."
"What?"
He avoided Hatter's stare by going to his clothes on the counter. "After all these years... I guess I'm sorry nothing happened."
Unprepared for this kind of situation, Hatter just continued to stand there as Hare put on his socks. He rolled them all the way to his knees, as per usual. He took a deep breath and approached him, finally. "Hare... old buddy... I'm sorry too. But it still didn't. And now I've found something that could! Don't make me choose." Hare continued to look anywhere but Hatter's eyes. "It's not even a choice, really, as I've said."
"But..." Hare began but didn't finish. Hatter scrunched his shoulders and came closer to his eye level, which just made Hare turn his face completely to the side.
"Hm?"
"...Why never me? Why isn't it a fair choice?"
"Well!" Hatter began, like he was sure there were a thousand reasons. None of them were coming to mind at the moment.
"Does she know your favorite breakfast? Is she going to know exactly what to get you on your birthday? Will she care when you have Hatter's Block? When you eat a maple bar and get it all over your face, is she gonna lick the frosting off your nose?!"
"Hare, please." Hare seemed to be getting angrier by the second.
"Would she stay up with you all night if your night-light went kaput and you didn't have any spares? Could she sing you to sleep? Because I have-"
"Hare-"
"Is she going to have tea with you every day until she dies?!"
"Listen! I told you you didn't get it. I know what an absolutely amazing friend you are, and I told you you'd make for amazing sex, but there is a voice in my head telling me I'm meant to be with her. It's hetero, for God's sake!"
Hare gaped at him a moment and snatched his clothes, leaving the room in the rush. Before Hatter could follow him, he slammed his own bedroom door on his face. "Hare! Come on! Don't be like this!" Hatter waited a long moment before pleading again. "You're just having anxiety over me having a girlfriend. I promise it'll pass! I'll still be around! I just have to distribute my time!"
Still, nothing.
About ten minute later, Hatter was slumped into the opposite wall when the door opened and Hare came hurrying out. He took quickly to the stairs with Hatter on his trail, continuing where they left off. "Are we going to work this out or are you gonna be angry all night?"
"I'm gonna be angry all night," Hare spat, speed-walking down the hall.
"Can I call you?!"
"Suck my cock!"
The front door slammed. He wasn't sure if he meant that literally or not.
Favorite Quote(s)
Well, I'll say it like it's completely new since I know some people on this journal don't hear from me anywhere else: Richard Kuhlman/Cheshire Cat sent me a tape of AIW outtakes, from 1993, with a note on the case from Patrick Richwood/Rabbit. It was loopy cursive saying "ENJOY!". XD
You know, I haven't been writing for AIW at all, I haven't had time to watch it... This whole summer has been hectic. But the bloopers brought me back to sorta this bliss! They make an old show long gone feel like a wonderful gift that is alive as anything could ever be, and I feel so proud to be an AIW fan, and extremely lucky that someone who was there is generous enough to send me this treasure from his past.
So... today I felt ready to write the next part, and I got heavily into shipping H/H, lol. I'm worried the bloopers might've actually done the strengthening of this ship, for some reason I can't even articulate. It's not like anything overtly slashy happened in them... I don't know...
Anyway, it's weird that I'm writing most of this without really sharing. Neither Carrie, nor Rema, nor Glance have seen it (I think?) butttt... I feel really happy with it.
It was going to be a silly one-shot at first.
And it's definitely packed with jokes and pokes at the H/A shippers,
but... I think it got deeper. Because with a parody of that ship, I find myself expressing, with exaggeration of course, my feelings about what it entitles, and reminds me why I wouldn't want Hare with anyone else in my absence. Once, my opposition of H/A was because I didn't want Hatter to be with less than he deserved, but I also now don't want Hare to be. I know he cares about Hatter and I don't want to see him alone, even if there is some situation and some older!Alice that wouldn't make a bad match with Hatter. No matter how plausible H/A could be, I just think to myself "it couldn't be better than the love Hare could offer." Isn't he good enough? Why does a made up version of a character Hatter never had much interest in have to come in and take that away?
Okay! *clears throat*
Here's the part.
The following morning, Rabbit rolled warily out to the courtyard and inspected the plants. His cautious movement and cringes made it clear he was in pain the whole way... Ever since the day before he had been following her Majesty and her new mate around like a loyal dog, picking them flowers, chauffeuring them to the mall, then to the movies, then back home. Then went up and down the wine cellar stairs surely twenty times until the Queen was happy with their booze of choice. He was happy Alice was back, with all of his heart, but didn't know why she spent the whole evening at the palace, way past bunny-bedtime. He supposed now that womanhood had come to stay, they had much more reason to hang around each other.
Luckily this morning the Queen was deep in work upstaging the Duchess in some... parade... whatever it was, and he had inconspicuously disappeared after breakfast.
When he reached the front gate, he leaned forward and sighed while staring off in space. When he thought it safe, he gingerly pulled out a flask and unscrewed it with his eyes darting. Just as it reached his lips, a less than charming nasal voice called to him from the bushes, sending him for a jolt.
He looked over and it was Hare, looking confused and troubled, as per usual, and coming towards him with his hands out. Rabbit sighed raggedly while tucking his special drink back into his vest.
"H-Hi Rabbit. Oh, I'm so glad you're here alone."
"Yyyyess... How lucky am I..." He answered to a nearby tree instead of Hare's face.
"I've got something really important I need to ask you..." Hare began, hands fidgeting.
"Well you can mar~ch right back to Hatta~'s and tell him we will not be lending him any more cups of sugar."
"No, no! It's not anything to do with that! We... haven't cooked together in weeks..." Hare guilty confessed, an open frown rolling down his chin.
"Well? Then what is it! I haven't got all day."
Suddenly Hare looked sheepish, as if he weren't expecting Rabbit to actually listen to his troubles in the first place. Rabbit leaned forward impatiently, almost tapping their cute bunny ears together.
"The Queen could come out here any minute and-"
"It's about Hatter!" Hare blurted, then bit his lip. Rabbit put his hand on his hip. "I think he's making a big mistake, and it's because I made a mistake, and now I don't know what to do and he's off... he's off being... just... He's gonna, h-h-he's gonna make anoth- that mistake! Like I said! You know?"
"...Honestly, He'a~, I have no clue what you're trying to say."
"D-did I say it was about Hatter? Oy..."
Rabbit raised his eyebrow. "What about Hatta~, now?"
"He... smells nice?- Not that I would know! He wears a top hat! Is what I meant. And he's yay tall..." He raised his hand accordingly and desperately chuckled. Some birds chirped in the distance as Rabbit sorted this out.
"So let me get this straight... You came all the way to the palace, at 9:30 in the morning, to tell me... Hatta~ wears a hat, and is yay tall." Rabbit made a corresponding height gesture. "Because I know this is surprising... But I saw him yesterday. In fact, I saw him this morning on the Queen's morning jog. And he did in fact fit your criteria," he snarked. Hare took a few steps back and frowned. "Oh, spit it out. What's an old bunny like me supposed to do about it anyway?" Hare looked on, thinking how to explain his way into this one. "If it's about that crush you've had on him for yea~s, I, I, I really don't-"
"What?!" Though Hare was startled, Rabbit just rolled his eyes.
"Oh please, He'a~... You cahn't hide your feelings from us. We know you better than you think."
Hare took a few gulps and wrung his hands, then exploded with passion. "Oh RABBIT, I don't know what to doooo! I can't TAKE it any longer!" He brought his hands to his cheeks and looked about ready to rip his own face off.
"Here, here~, I thought you two were friends with benefits-"
"-Aghhh, only sometimes! It's never enough..."
Rabbit grimaced, shying away from Hare's hand, which had landed on his forearm, fishing for pity. "W-w-w-why are you coming to me about this? ...Isn't there someone you usually talk to about this stuff?"
Hare brushed his misted eyes with his sleeve and sniffed. "Yes, there is, but I don't think Hatter would take it very well." He had a point.
"Well I... I suppose you want some kind of advice?"
"Only if you have advice! If you don't, I'll just be on my love-sickened way!" Hare said, breathing heavily and cupping his hands.
"Well... I suppose if you really want him to notice you once and for all... But it's going to take a lot of wor~k."
Hare blinked a few times as Rabbit's eyes traversed him head to toe.
"W-what kind of ideas did you have in mind?"
"You'll need a hai~r-cut, that's for sure..." The comment made Hare tighten his collar a little and shrivel into himself defensively. "Could you stand to lose the glasses?"
"No... I like always seeing where I am?..."
"Hmmm..." Rabbit tilted his head.
"This really wasn't the kind of advice I had in mind. I don't think Hatter cares what I look like."
"Apparently we've known a different Hatta~..." They shared an awkward glance. "But alright, if you're not in a hurry to get l-"
"RABBIT, WHERE ARE YOU." The two of them jumped a good foot off the ground at the sound of the Queen's thunderous voice, echoing across the checkered floor as she made her way outside. She was still in her nightgown, a cup of tea in hand.
"Oh, h-h-hi, Yo'a~ Majesty... I was just about to cut you some roses, when He'a~ showed up for a chat."
She gave them a suspicious eye.
"Chat? You two never chat. What were you two Chuckleheads chatting about?" Hare sunk even further into himself, if that were possible, and like that, the Queen was standing right in front of him squinting at a small bead of sweat running down his temple. She could sense his unease like blood in the water. Hare's eyes drifted to Rabbit, whose shoulders sagged in defeat.
"Oh, you might as well tell her. She pretty much suspects. In fact, we've had many conversations about it."
"Conversations about what?!" The Queen asked practically into Hare's ear. He flinched and gathered his lip under his teeth with closed eyes.
"You know, about the two of them maybe being... perpetually engaged for the pahst... oh, 15 yea~s, give or take..."
"Oh yeahhhh." The Queen grinned at Hare like he was really "special". He still seemed flabbergasted that anybody had even a slight inkling he was attracted to his best friend.
"Oh come on now, don't be embarrassed. The man's beautiful. Hell, if I were 10 years younger... Look, that's not the point-"
"B-b-but your Majesty, we're not engaged!!"
"And I assume you came to the palace to ask if you should tell him?! He could be interested. Why not?"
"He does know, he just-"
"Yoa~ Majesty, please, you don't need to white lie to the poor bastard," Rabbit broke in.
"I'm being SERIOUS," she uttered, flailing in his direction. He sunk into the floor.
"But Your Majesty!" Hare broke over the two of them desperately. "The problem isn't just wooing him! I have to woo him away from someone!"
Suddenly both the Queen and Rabbit looked befuddled.
"...He wants to be with Alice."
"Alice?! ...D-did we know more than one?" Rabbit asked, stroking his whiskers a little.
"Oh for GOD'S SAKE," Hare accidentally seethed. He took a deep breath. "No. There's only one Alice and she's gonna take him away from me-eee~!" He half-sobbed. Rabbit patted him on the shoulder, feeling really uncomfortable as the Queen gave him a long agonizing, disgusted stare.
After some time, a proper reaction came to her. "Oh he did not go there," she pronounced, snapping her fingers. Hare weakly smiled, spirits slightly lifted that someone as respected as the Queen felt similarly.
"...A-am I right to stop this?"
"Honey, you are that man's keeper! We are supposed to be Alice's family away from home, and now he's after her within a day because she's grown up?! I knew I saw a twinkle in his perverse little eye... No offense."
"None taken," Hare answered.
Before anything else was said, she raised her hand to his chest and pushed him down into a patio chair.
"Now here's what you've gotta do..." she began, with Rabbit and Hare all ears. (no pun) "If you want him to know, once and for all, that you are interested in him, and you won't take no for an answer, you have to be more assertive! Your romantic efforts have to slap him clear across the face. I'm not talking leave-him-roses-on-his-doorstep. You are gonna be in his tub with the roses when he walks through the door."
"Oh, but I don't know about that..." Hare trailed, placing a hand on his heart and looking to the floor, cheeks beginning to redden.
"You have to do this stuff, eventually. I'm telling you, that man is dense as marble."
"But..."
"Shut up. It's that 'but' that has kept you a virgin all these years." Hare's legs snapped all the way shut. "Just quiet and do what I say and you can lead him into the bedroom by the bowtie."
"O-okay."
"Alright, now listen here..."
* * *
Hatter was lounging in front of the television screen watching the Hat Channel when the keyhole of his front door began to jingle. He paid no heed as Hare entered the house and came quietly down the hall, stopping at his side.
"H-Hi, Hatter."
"Hey, Hare," Hatter responded without looking.
"M-mind if I sit?"
Hatter, taking an impolite amount of time, slid his feet off the couch and left room for Hare only to awkwardly lower and look to his friend at the opposite side.
After the commercial break, we're going to show you a hatter architect, who has made beautiful replicas of popular buildings using nothing but tophats! Stay tuned!
Hatter grinned at the screen and returned his legs in front of him. Hare took it as his chance to act and scooted over until they were shoulder to shoulder. Hatter noted it with a simple turn of the head. "Heh..." Hare tried to break the ice. "I hope you weren't lonely this morning. I had some errands to run."
"Oh that's okay! Hah. I was busy myself."
"Hmph!" ...He turned to him as well, knowing they'd nearly tap noses. "You're not busy anymore, are you?" They shared direct eye contact for a good five seconds before Hatter leaned forward to retrieve something on the table.
"Nnnope! Nope! I finished it just in time." Hare looked down and found a card in Hatter's lap, covered in sharpie-drawn hearts. He smiled a moment before the cover was opened. "I wanted to tell Alice I was really really sorry for being so forward yesterday and... maybe ask if we could just go bowling or something." The smile forming on Hare's face disappeared.
"Oh... That's..." He took a deep breath. Hatter could feel the air reach his own hands. "That's great. You know - you and I haven't gone bowling in a while..."
"Yeah, uh well..." Hatter scratched the back of his head. "We get busy. Heh! You know? Maybe some time."
The show was back on, so Hare remained at his side, hands neatly on his lap. His concentration journeyed from the table in front of them, to his shoes, to the floor, until finally the show had ended and Hatter stood up. "Excuuuse me..." Hatter said cheerily, ruffling Hare's hair with his passing hand. Hare made him room and then stood up to follow him as he headed for the door.
"Where ya going?"
"Oh, I heard from the Tweedles that Alice was visiting to help them pick out a tree. May as well let her know she doesn't have to feel awkward around me, right?!"
Without waiting for his friend, he went out the door and into the forest in no time. Hare had gotten as far as the gate before his walking slowed and shoulders slumped. "What about our tree?..." He whined.
* * *
Alice sat on a rock with a wide grin on her face, Tweedle Dum right next to her. They were watching Dee circle a particular tree of interest and joking all the while.
"You know, at one point or another, I'm gonna need both your help," Dee reminded them.
"Oh hey, you guys!" A voice called. All three looked around and spotted Hatter strolling over, card in hands. Alice sort of hid behind Dum. "I had nothing better to do so I thought I'd come by." Like God hated her that day, he took a seat next to Alice, criss-crossed in the grass. He looked up to her and smiled. "And-...I wanted to give this to you, Alice." He extended his arm and she took the card reluctantly, reading it with a straight mouth.
"Oh!...Heh... That's really nice of you." She handed it back to him. "It means a lot." She nodded, and he began to, but he looked at the card in his hand with discouragement before handing it back to her.
"You can keep it, you know."
"That's okay," she replied, keeping her smile. Dum cocked an eyebrow.
"I-I drew it myself. See that's me..." He pointed to a purple stick figure. "And that's you... And um, uhh... Well you're holding a bowling ball. I made it hot pink. You know, 'cause..." He swished his hand like it was obvious. Alice just darted her eyes. "Girls like... pink..."
"I've always been more of a blue-girl myself."
"I like blue too!" Dum added. Hatter caught sight of him and his brow dropped like a sack of potatoes. Dum was sure he was getting dagger-eyes at that point.
Though the tree-hunt went on, Hatter remained like a third wheel. Or should I say, forth. At one point he tried helping Alice measure a tree by holding down the step ladder and leaning a little too far into the back of her, which just got some pained expressions from the Tweedles when she hurried back down and moved away, smoothing out her skirt.
Once they had found the perfect specimen and leaned it in the corner of the Tweedles' living room, they had a late lunch and played Jenga a little while before Alice said she had another date at the palace. Hatter followed her out the door and stopped her before she could so much as step off the front porch.
"So did you think about that whole bowling thing?" Hatter tried, nodding like he was sure she'd say yes.
"Mr. Hatter..."
"Oh please, call me Hatter!" She sighed and fixed some of her hair behind her ear.
"Hatter... It's sweet of you to want to work this out. But I don't think I'm ready right now. This is just a really big surprise, and..." Hatter's lips sunk down his chin. She looked around a bit and crossed her arms. "I-I-I thought you were gay."
"An opportunist is a more accurate... description."
"...What?"
"I-I-I like women. B-but men too."
"Okay. Well... It's been nice seeing you. Thank you for helping us with the tree. I've gotta get going."
She began to walk but heard her new suitor's footsteps directly behind her. She turned around once more.
"I'll walk you there! Wouldn't wanna get lost again, would you?"
"Actually, the Tweedles pretty much showed me around. It was those blasted signs that threw me off until I remembered what they meant," she reassured. As she began to walk again, Hatter pouted in the background, then ran up to her side once more.
"I could keep you company!"
"Okay..."
They went right along and Hatter kept himself just an inch or two back so he could stare at the back/top of her head. He wondered what kind of shampoo she was using. He remembered when all she would wear in her hair were cute little bows, and now she had replaced them with a diamond barrette. Truly magnificent. So sophisticated.
When they reached the courtyard, Alice didn't really stop to say goodbye, but turned on her heel and waved at him. He waved back and kept his smile until he could no longer see her, then trudged back where they came from.
As he walked the forest, the light dimming as another day ended, he decided to go and harass the Caterpillar again, as he was sure by now his previous advice had failed him.
* * *
The clock struck eight when Hatter returned home, hair in disarray and tequila on his breath. His walk was fairly straight to the kitchen - perhaps he had only had a single drink to smooth the edges. After downing a glass of water, he decided he needed a shower and started up the stairs. "He has some nerve telling me I'm... t-telling me I'm overstepping my boundaries..." He muttered.
He threw his coat onto the bed and absentmindedly opened the bathroom door, finding Hare in the tub, naked as could be. He looked up with chattering teeth.
"HARE! What the hell are you doing?!"
"I... You should've been here like an hour ago!" He dodged, covering himself up.
"What'd I miss?!" He asked, angry and still confused.
Hare looked down to his pudgy water-glazed tummy and hugged his knees, frowning at the clear water that had once been filled with grapefruit-scented bubbles. A couple of tea lights on the shelf were burned dry. He sighed and nothing more.
Hatter tightened his lips and held to the door frame. "Oh. Oh God." Hatter remained in silence, but he heard Hare make a soft sound, perhaps to do with being freezing and embarrassed, and hurried over to grab a towel. "Come on, Hare," he ordered, looking to the floor and stretching the towel out. A few splashes followed before it was taken from him. His companion then turned around and Hatter watched his freckled back as he blotted himself dry with another towel. He sighed heavily.
"I had no idea you were waiting for me," he said, but Hare didn't answer. His eyes wandered to a tape-player on the toilet lid, and some oils on the counter top. It occurred to him immediately what the plans were and, quite unusually, began to blush. To make it worse, Hare turned around and had gone cherry red. "What's this all about?"
Hare's round chocolate-chip eyes dropped as he groped for a reply. Hatter got a little lost in his bright pink cheeks and frizzled hair. Even though he was wearing nothing but a towel and his glasses had condensation, he was cute as a button.
"I just wanted you... to be excited to see me again."
"What?"
He avoided Hatter's stare by going to his clothes on the counter. "After all these years... I guess I'm sorry nothing happened."
Unprepared for this kind of situation, Hatter just continued to stand there as Hare put on his socks. He rolled them all the way to his knees, as per usual. He took a deep breath and approached him, finally. "Hare... old buddy... I'm sorry too. But it still didn't. And now I've found something that could! Don't make me choose." Hare continued to look anywhere but Hatter's eyes. "It's not even a choice, really, as I've said."
"But..." Hare began but didn't finish. Hatter scrunched his shoulders and came closer to his eye level, which just made Hare turn his face completely to the side.
"Hm?"
"...Why never me? Why isn't it a fair choice?"
"Well!" Hatter began, like he was sure there were a thousand reasons. None of them were coming to mind at the moment.
"Does she know your favorite breakfast? Is she going to know exactly what to get you on your birthday? Will she care when you have Hatter's Block? When you eat a maple bar and get it all over your face, is she gonna lick the frosting off your nose?!"
"Hare, please." Hare seemed to be getting angrier by the second.
"Would she stay up with you all night if your night-light went kaput and you didn't have any spares? Could she sing you to sleep? Because I have-"
"Hare-"
"Is she going to have tea with you every day until she dies?!"
"Listen! I told you you didn't get it. I know what an absolutely amazing friend you are, and I told you you'd make for amazing sex, but there is a voice in my head telling me I'm meant to be with her. It's hetero, for God's sake!"
Hare gaped at him a moment and snatched his clothes, leaving the room in the rush. Before Hatter could follow him, he slammed his own bedroom door on his face. "Hare! Come on! Don't be like this!" Hatter waited a long moment before pleading again. "You're just having anxiety over me having a girlfriend. I promise it'll pass! I'll still be around! I just have to distribute my time!"
Still, nothing.
About ten minute later, Hatter was slumped into the opposite wall when the door opened and Hare came hurrying out. He took quickly to the stairs with Hatter on his trail, continuing where they left off. "Are we going to work this out or are you gonna be angry all night?"
"I'm gonna be angry all night," Hare spat, speed-walking down the hall.
"Can I call you?!"
"Suck my cock!"
The front door slammed. He wasn't sure if he meant that literally or not.
"Well you can mar~ch right back to Hatta~'s and tell him we will not be lending him any more cups of sugar."
"Only if you have advice! If you don't, I'll just be on my love-sickened way!"
"Oh, you might as well tell her. She pretty much suspects. In fact, we've had many conversations about it."
"I wanted to tell Alice I was really really sorry for being so forward yesterday and... maybe ask if we could just go bowling or something."
"I-I-I thought you were gay."
Hare looked down to his pudgy water-glazed tummy and hugged his knees, frowning at the clear water that had once been filled with grapefruit-scented bubbles.
"When you eat a maple bar and get it all over your face, is she gonna lick the frosting off your nose?"
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