AHHHH! Hello. Sorry if my last entry sounded aggressive. I don't think that I realized it sounded angry when I was just trying to be sassy?
So this is kind of new for me, because Tumblr had its exodus, and because of that I actually participated in a friending meme that resulted in me making friends here. O_O Obviously, we all still need to get to know each other, but it just hasn't properly absorbed into my brain that if I write something here, someone new might see it, or even... *gasp* respond!
I want to make a habit of updating and participating here, though, so... let's write an update???
The Christmas spirit must have found a way to fly up my butt this year, because a lot of my Christmas shopping is already done when I'm usually very bad about procrastinating. I've chosen more expensive gifts, and gifts for more people than to whom I gave last year. My niece is getting the whole kit and kaboodle so she can start oil painting. I tend to buy my mom gifts that help her relax, so she's getting a new sherpa blanket like the ones I bought for myself and fell in love with recently. Also, a coloring book called Fifty Shades of Bullshit. ;D And then, I wanted to send out some cards and art to online friends. Aya is in the Phillipines for almost three weeks, but I'm working on a little something for her (with surprise jewelry!) Meanwhle, Ai (in Japan) already sent a package to me?!?!!?! THIS GIRL... IS SOMETHIN ELSE. I also thought I would make another batch of sugar cookies for some of my coworkers.
The other day was nice, too. My mom and I met my sister at the mall to celebrate her birthday. They both wanted to get a second piercing on their ears together, so we went to Claire's, and they held the little comfort bear and scrunched up their shoulders and before they knew it it was over. It was very cute to watch! lol Then we went to the Cheesecake Factory for a really tasty meal, and walked around a bit afterwards for a few other small purchases. I showed them stuff at Loli & Pops that I was interested in because I said it simply: all I want for Christmas is absurdly indulgent sweets, none of which will help me gain even a pound, I'm sure, but whatever, I love candy.
* * * F A N D O M & C R E A T I V E N E W S * * *
💖 I'm on a new Yu Yu Hakusho discord server and it's 10x more pleasant than the one I was on last year that caused me woes and only had a small amount of people in it who were never very nice to me. Still surprised that ever happened??? But so glad that there are other fans who actually want to make friends, get along, and be productive. We encourage each other to write and draw and be inappropriate. XD
💖 I actually wrote my first porn-fic thanks to inspiration from that server: my first fic in general in a while. My first piece of writing in a while! I retold Little Red Riding Hood and made it dirty, with Kurama and Hiei playing the roles. If ya'll are curious, it's HERE. I will probably also post the whole thing under a cut, so I can have it backed up here. AHHHH IT WAS SOMETHING...! A little embarrassing but it helped that everything including the sex was supposed to be humorous. It's a staple ingredient in everything I punch out, eheheheh.
💖 ALSO because of the server I ended up starting a roleplay with one of my favorite writers in the YYH fandom, saiyuri-dahlia! ahhhhhhhhh I've had a crush on her Kurama since I first read him! And I get to be her Hiei. *tries not to get emotional*
💖 He's There, um, let's not talk about that. *too much shame*
Um, besides that, I don't know what my goals are, for 2019... I think... what I really want is to get to the bottom of why I struggle to be as prolific with writing and drawing as I used to be, and to find methods of inspiration and self discipline that help correct this problem. I feel almost, idk, anemic when it comes to creativity. It never seems like I have the energy to pore myself over something, and if I try, it doesn't take much to feel exhausted about it. I'll start scribbling something I want to draw and just get too tired to make it into a real picture. All my art is doodles now because that's my ceiling of exertion. I won't write because simple stuff in HT overwhelms me if I have to try it work it out logically. It's pathetic!
In late 2014 I was finally diagnosed with depression after having it for more than a year and becoming a shell of myself, and I thought that once I was on medication I would gain back my mojo and stop thinking about death and stop crying all the time. The latter two things happened, which is great! But a few weeks ago a really nice, needed conversation I was having with A resulted in me wondering if my medications had actually, uhh... what's the word... leveled me out? I mean, you notice when the really bad drops in mood stop, but I think it's a lot harder to notice that you can't, literally can't, be very happy or motivated anymore either. I look back on the last few years thinking that the way that I've appreciated life and been "happy about" things is different. It's very subdued and-- kind of pathetic. Probably if I ever noticed that, I thought it was because I was firmly in adulthood and perhaps the joy you feel when you're younger just never comes back again, and neither does the feeling that there is still a whole world to discover, and that there is something you can do to change things if you don't like them as they are.
See, I don't know how truthful that state of thinking is. Because A and I were talking about how she started a different antidepressant and didn't have such a low ceiling anymore -- she felt emotional and inspirational highs again, as if she was young. She may as well have said she had learned how to fly! Because truly, the ability to be how I used to be seems mythical nowadays, and I don't like that. And being on the server has exposed me to people around my age who aren't hitting that ceiling and are creating all the time. I see what I want to be right in front of me.
So I guess that's what I want, and I don't care what it is I end up creating as long as I'm creating something. It could be lengthy fanfic that hardly anyone reads but fills me with joy. It could be comics (those would be fun to do again!) I. Don't. Care!
Alright, well, off to other things... thanks for reading... thanks for being around...
-J
P.S. Actually, here is a comic I started... xD;;;;;
( Read more... )
So this is kind of new for me, because Tumblr had its exodus, and because of that I actually participated in a friending meme that resulted in me making friends here. O_O Obviously, we all still need to get to know each other, but it just hasn't properly absorbed into my brain that if I write something here, someone new might see it, or even... *gasp* respond!
I want to make a habit of updating and participating here, though, so... let's write an update???
The Christmas spirit must have found a way to fly up my butt this year, because a lot of my Christmas shopping is already done when I'm usually very bad about procrastinating. I've chosen more expensive gifts, and gifts for more people than to whom I gave last year. My niece is getting the whole kit and kaboodle so she can start oil painting. I tend to buy my mom gifts that help her relax, so she's getting a new sherpa blanket like the ones I bought for myself and fell in love with recently. Also, a coloring book called Fifty Shades of Bullshit. ;D And then, I wanted to send out some cards and art to online friends. Aya is in the Phillipines for almost three weeks, but I'm working on a little something for her (with surprise jewelry!) Meanwhle, Ai (in Japan) already sent a package to me?!?!!?! THIS GIRL... IS SOMETHIN ELSE. I also thought I would make another batch of sugar cookies for some of my coworkers.
The other day was nice, too. My mom and I met my sister at the mall to celebrate her birthday. They both wanted to get a second piercing on their ears together, so we went to Claire's, and they held the little comfort bear and scrunched up their shoulders and before they knew it it was over. It was very cute to watch! lol Then we went to the Cheesecake Factory for a really tasty meal, and walked around a bit afterwards for a few other small purchases. I showed them stuff at Loli & Pops that I was interested in because I said it simply: all I want for Christmas is absurdly indulgent sweets, none of which will help me gain even a pound, I'm sure, but whatever, I love candy.
* * * F A N D O M & C R E A T I V E N E W S * * *
💖 I'm on a new Yu Yu Hakusho discord server and it's 10x more pleasant than the one I was on last year that caused me woes and only had a small amount of people in it who were never very nice to me. Still surprised that ever happened??? But so glad that there are other fans who actually want to make friends, get along, and be productive. We encourage each other to write and draw and be inappropriate. XD
💖 I actually wrote my first porn-fic thanks to inspiration from that server: my first fic in general in a while. My first piece of writing in a while! I retold Little Red Riding Hood and made it dirty, with Kurama and Hiei playing the roles. If ya'll are curious, it's HERE. I will probably also post the whole thing under a cut, so I can have it backed up here. AHHHH IT WAS SOMETHING...! A little embarrassing but it helped that everything including the sex was supposed to be humorous. It's a staple ingredient in everything I punch out, eheheheh.
💖 ALSO because of the server I ended up starting a roleplay with one of my favorite writers in the YYH fandom, saiyuri-dahlia! ahhhhhhhhh I've had a crush on her Kurama since I first read him! And I get to be her Hiei. *tries not to get emotional*
💖 He's There, um, let's not talk about that. *too much shame*
Um, besides that, I don't know what my goals are, for 2019... I think... what I really want is to get to the bottom of why I struggle to be as prolific with writing and drawing as I used to be, and to find methods of inspiration and self discipline that help correct this problem. I feel almost, idk, anemic when it comes to creativity. It never seems like I have the energy to pore myself over something, and if I try, it doesn't take much to feel exhausted about it. I'll start scribbling something I want to draw and just get too tired to make it into a real picture. All my art is doodles now because that's my ceiling of exertion. I won't write because simple stuff in HT overwhelms me if I have to try it work it out logically. It's pathetic!
In late 2014 I was finally diagnosed with depression after having it for more than a year and becoming a shell of myself, and I thought that once I was on medication I would gain back my mojo and stop thinking about death and stop crying all the time. The latter two things happened, which is great! But a few weeks ago a really nice, needed conversation I was having with A resulted in me wondering if my medications had actually, uhh... what's the word... leveled me out? I mean, you notice when the really bad drops in mood stop, but I think it's a lot harder to notice that you can't, literally can't, be very happy or motivated anymore either. I look back on the last few years thinking that the way that I've appreciated life and been "happy about" things is different. It's very subdued and-- kind of pathetic. Probably if I ever noticed that, I thought it was because I was firmly in adulthood and perhaps the joy you feel when you're younger just never comes back again, and neither does the feeling that there is still a whole world to discover, and that there is something you can do to change things if you don't like them as they are.
See, I don't know how truthful that state of thinking is. Because A and I were talking about how she started a different antidepressant and didn't have such a low ceiling anymore -- she felt emotional and inspirational highs again, as if she was young. She may as well have said she had learned how to fly! Because truly, the ability to be how I used to be seems mythical nowadays, and I don't like that. And being on the server has exposed me to people around my age who aren't hitting that ceiling and are creating all the time. I see what I want to be right in front of me.
So I guess that's what I want, and I don't care what it is I end up creating as long as I'm creating something. It could be lengthy fanfic that hardly anyone reads but fills me with joy. It could be comics (those would be fun to do again!) I. Don't. Care!
Alright, well, off to other things... thanks for reading... thanks for being around...
-J
P.S. Actually, here is a comic I started... xD;;;;;
( Read more... )
Current Mood: 
productive
productive1 comment | Leave a comment
disappointed