*sigh* And so this dreadful month begins. Well... perhaps it's not dreadful, but it marks the end of the better and more inspiring part of the year for me. I don't do well in warm and hot weather. I pretty much expect that once June hits I will be creatively bankrupt for three months and slugging around the apartment with no focus on anything except why life sucks. I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm kind of dramatic and sensitive about the weather. It takes an extreme amount of will power for me to write in summer a story that I have designated as a "winter story" or "fall story", because I'm not experiencing the right stimuli. I always like to feel connected to the characters, seeing things that they would see, being able to address the simpler aspects that shape their experience. I remember there was a time when I would purposefully sit outside in November and look up the street (as we, naturally, lived on a hill that went up from our house and resembled the one in He's There) to write parts when Lily went outside or thought about it, or wondered if she was imagining "Erik"... It was years ago. I'd put on a sweater, a jacket, and my (now) Orlok coat, and I'd bring a cup of pomegranate tea.

Anyhoo, I'm also becoming numerically older this month and having to remember on the 14th that I'm alone, and on the 20th (my birthday) that Max Schreck is deader than dead.

To be honest, I'm not very happy right now. I'm very discontent with my life, disappointed where I work, how financially weak I am, how alone I am... Sometimes I'm just totally incapacitated with negativity, and earlier this year, way earlier, when I was still in school, I was having a breakdown every few weeks. I was too tired of and frustrated with living my life that I couldn't bear to even leave my apartment, so I wouldn't. A lot of that had to do with the crumbling stress levels of being a full time student, so I'm not longer stressed exactly, I'm just tired of being at work all the time and doing nothing besides that. In my free time, I never see anyone, my friends are too busy or live too far away, so I have no inspiration to leave the apartment, even if I need groceries or need to do this or that... I still seem to deal with incapacitating negativity and feeling like nothing is going to work out, nothing that I desire is accessible to me.

I've considered that I was depressed, but I lack some of the important symptoms, and I have no money to be analyzed by a therapist. But there is definitely something going on with me that made pulling creativity out of my head last year so hard, especially compared to 2012 where I can say with certainty that, somehow, I was happy. I knew it wouldn't last. I still don't know what magical thing brought it about, so I'm not sure how to get it back. I somehow loved to be alone and grew to appreciate myself. It's sad that that is gone. That now I take it as a personal defect that I don't have physical people around (besides my immediate family) who can give me good times and emotional support in between doing stressful things like working. And, at work, for a couple of reasons, I always feel inadequate. I'm reminded why I'm not good enough to some people, and that's all I can focus on because nothing else will happen to contradict that. I believe that how I feel is situational because of this unnatural solitude that no one should have to go through if they aren't wanting to be alone. I think it's good to be alone sometimes and enjoy being with yourself, but we also need others, so having no control over it when the desire for solitude passes and you can't get out of solitude... bleh.

I think I need people to be able to write. So many of the best little situations in my writing came from charming social interactions, or even just imaginings that special personalities made me have. It was exhausting just having Lily write about feeling alone and wanting to get over someone who wasn't what she'd hoped for, etc. etc., in the last chapter, but at least they were relatable feelings. Moving on from there, writing something filled with life, and light, and energy... can I even do it when I feel kind of dead inside?

My goal was to write an AIW fic this month, but I can only desperately hope I even have it in me to do it. I want to do it because I feel like I need to do it to make myself happy, but it's kind of like I'm trying to give myself back energy to live by expending energy I don't have, since writing is such a mental exercise.

How do I borrow energy in order to be creative again?  People make it sound so easy, "get out more," "bother your friends to see them more." They don't know how deeply you can burrow in solitude until you don't remember how to people anymore and it is so much work to dig yourself out. It's like being stuck in quicksand (why am I using metaphors now?) People with these suggestions assume there's something just beside you that you have been taking for granted. There is not. There is nothing beside me. I can nag my friends to see me, but then they will join me for lunch and check it off their list and that will be the end of our time together for months and months. I don't know how to make new friends because all I do is go to work, and my coworkers are not going to become my friends. (Trust me, I've tried. The one person I wanted to be closer to turned out to be a big asshole.)

Why am I using my writing journal as a regular journal? Eh, when you're a writer there's not such a clear line between yourself and your act of writing. Everything about my life affects what I will have to talk about if I come here, and at my personal journal none of my friends are using this site anymore. It's either I write here or no one even knows this is how I'm feeling.

Well, that'll do it for now. I wanted to plan my story today, but I've only got a few hours to screw my ovaries on in the right direction in between working what will almost be four full days in a row.

J

It's January 23 and I feel like making a general update, just to get out where I am and what I expect myself to be doing in the next month.

And might I say - January was a total FLOP! I've been the Queen of Lazy and I don't even know why. I was much more interested in reading books, watching Hey Arnold, and eating cookies and ice cream during my free time rather than actually write or draw something of significance. I'm proud of myself for reading a book (a long one at that), though. It's something I'd like to do more often and luckily I now have a stack of books thanks to Christmas. (I'll even be reviewing A Rose in Winter in due time. ;D)

Anyway, ah yes. My stories.

HE'S THERE
You all know I'm fucking stuck on this bastard. XD I've come to the conclusion that I need a longer time away from this than I thought. It's been over a year now that I've both sped and trudged through the chapters, and I even took a 2 month break, but I feel so incompetent at this point that I think, once again, I need to work on my individual chapter plans. I mean, understand them TO A T. O_O

I also got an interesting suggestion from a friend to try scripting the chapters before I write them, to make sure their flow is sensible. I've never done it before, and I don't know if it'll help me, but I'm going to test it out. I'm desperate and disappointed that I'm stuck where I am, especially since this is supposed to be a deeper more interesting part of the story. I don't know how I could find myself in such a quagmire! Is the heaviness of everything making me second-guess myself? Is adding some type of complexity and suspense to this making my brain think it can't handle it and instead just shut down? 

I think it's that as well as some strange lack of enthusiasm. Perhaps I've just been dealing with the idea for too long and need to exhaust my brain with something else. I've long known my brain works that way, I was just being stubborn! If I intend to finish it this year, I've gotta be working on it frequently for at least six months. There's wiggle room, I know. I simply have to be conscious of how long I let myself rest.

CRYSTAL PALACE 3
Naturally, since it's done, we've nothing to write, and I haven't heard from Kate since the day we finished it together, Jan. 1st. HOWEVER. I'm finding myself in the mood to do the illustrations. It's rather neat that I would feel that way, since I haven't wanted to draw for it in a while. And while it's true that I've utterly BEATEN a dead horse on Deviant Art trying to get people to visit our community through sketches of the characters, I still would like to put some work into its presentation. Not for publicity's sake, just for myself and Kate. I have to keep reminding myself that CP2 was in the exact same position where there wasn't anyone who would ever really care I made the website, but I had a fire of inspiration lit under my butt for months with that whole thing and don't regret it at all. 

I don't think I will worry about revising the script in the slightest until I get website plans started or into action. Because we have no audience, there's no sense of urgency, which is a little bittersweet, but whatever.

TRYING TUESDAY
Although I started it like early December and then ignored it, I actually wrote more a few days ago. I'm having the hardest time thinking of a good, strong beginning so I can finally post a first part here. The place where I started writing and really getting into it is what I'd consider part two, so it's killing me that I can't show a damn thing! All I can say is that Mel's new episode Take the Bunny and Run was some good inspiration since Rabbit was experiencing something to make him grateful for his less-than-perfect life. OMG and I can't wait to draw the poster for this when it's time to share. It's (naturally) going to imitate the cover of the Freaky Friday DVD, with Rabbit (in Hare's body) looking all condescending and Hare (in Rabbit's body) looking douchey with a feather duster or something.

Actually, it's quite interesting. So far I've done a lot of third-person narrative as Rabbit and I guess I never realized I perceived him as seeing everything with such a stuck-up eye. I know the bunny-tension between him and Hare is there in canon, but he's been especially prickly so far. ;) Well, he has been driving him crazy and he just found out they've switched bodies. He has a right to prickliness. They'll learn the soft spots of each other as things progress.

TILLY & JO
Why do I mention this if I haven't been writing it? Well, I don't know! It's just been on my mind. Probably because it will be my project after He's There, and my brain is escaping from He's There and not being able to write for it, therefore it apparently sorta thinks that T&J is right around the corner when it sure as hell isn't.

But shit - I'm entertaining myself with the fact that I could tell this story in three points of view. It comes from my once hearing someone write that the narrating character should be the one whose perspective is most important and interesting. Of course! But with this type of story, it was rather important that the most interesting perspectives be out of reach and instead learned about. At least, I thought. That idea will still be respected because Gina will narrate the first third, but then it'll switch to Tilly's, and we can learn through her about what's going on in her head and what she's learning from Gina and teaching her, and at the same time have a much clearer understanding of Jo. But then the last part comes along and Jo is the official narrator. He picks up things when the climax is hitting and ends the story.

Why do I want to do this? It seems to have promise in it. I also think Jo is a lot smarter and insightful than he was originally going to be given credit for. I think he's the most like a writer out of the three of them and would have surprising remarks to make about the situation. He's also (technically) the first person to give up his grounded life to stay with Tilly, which is kind of what she asks of Gina. It won't happen, but that's why contrast is cool. :) Enough spoiling. I'll get to it, I really will...

NEW STORY ♥
Am I shitting you? Is this for rizzle? It actually is. I, Jennifer, have conceived a brand spankin' new idea for a YA story. Unfortunately, I can't yet go into a thing about it. It has a few characters, a song or two, and some themes, but at the moment not everyone has even their full name, so it's too early to spill my thoughts onto here. I'll tell you a few things not to expect, though.

☆ Phantoms.
☆ A whole lot of romance.
☆ A dark theme.
☆ A lot of girl characters.

lol. Yeah, just thought I'd throw that out there. I don't tackle the same kind of story twice. At least, not yet. (but I'm young) I plan to write an entry about it when the time seems right, so just wait. :)
................................................................................................................

Okay, now it's time to write down some goals for February to keep my lazy ass on track.

I'm obviously taking a breather (again) from novel writing, I've got application stuff for UO to go over, so fitting to me for the time being is to:

1. Do CP3 illustrations.
-- Akira against the back table at the bar mitzvah next to the bird cage, grimacing over Cosmo's ascent to the microphone to reveal their affair.
-- Akira's fists upon the hapless 'mummy' at the hospital as Cosmo slides the curtain away from his side of the room, eyebrow raised.
-- Kate, Cosmo, Akira and I out at the "Dorsia" restaurant.

2. Finish Trying Tuesday
3. Draw TT a poster!
4. Draw the Tweedles profile and work on the AIW site pages w/ Mel.

Okay, good enough. Ciao. Adios. Jyaamatane. :D