*pretends she hasn't been gone for seven months*

My. Goodness. 

The new year started with a lot of writing, and there continues to be lots of it. Juggling more than one project, churning out ten pages a day, working on my first fanfic that exceeds a hundred pages...! It's happening! 

What isn't happening: most anything else. I mean I'm slowly dragging along on a cosplay, but in general I keep having a thought like "wait, isn't there something I should be posting on instagram", "have I nothing for deviantart?!" Tumblr?! And then I realize, no, there's nothing to post because I'm not creating a ton of visual stuff. Part of that may be that the hassle of making digital art is causing me to give up before I start, as I can't afford a good drawing tablet and am a bit tired of finger painting on the, erm, tablet-tablet. Apparently I could upgrade to one that has a little pencil on it in case "being an artist" is something I'd like to do, but it's $600. 

I'm over tumblr. I think that may have started when my computer crashed every time I tried to make cool gifsets on CS4, and ended when a group of teenagers trolled me for having a fan blog with some content that they didn't like. On top of either general silence or extremely underwhelming content in fandoms I wished were more lively.

The lesson that I think really sunk in for me in the past year has been: do things that offer you sustainable happiness, independent of the response you get from others, and stop doing things that end up with you feeling angsty or unappreciated. Running tumblr blogs that I put a lot of work into for almost no response except being trolled by teenagers, for example... maybe something I should chuck over my shoulder for the time being. I deserve better than that. In a way, I guess you could say for now that I've broken up with fandoms (definitely that one) so that I can be single for a while. lol 

Coinciding with this decision was the realization that when I'm not even planning to present a work, post it online, or anticipate a response, I create work that is better, and more of it. That is, in fact, why I entered the New Year on a writing streak that continues to now: over the holidays, I wanted to write a story for a friend, just them, and it was one of the most fun things I'd done in a long time. The content pouring out of my fingertips made me laugh, and made her laugh, and that was the only thing that mattered. 

Anyway, I'll make some individual posts about specific projects, before this gets any longer. Thanks for reading? Not even sure who's reading? Nobody? Doesn't matter. 

-J

Hahaha that is legit the last time I was on here: eight months ago. And it's quite sad that I wasn't in a blogging mood because a lot went on...  I mean just to give you some footnotes:

🌟 I started another Yu Yu Hakusho fanfic, and then started writing it in Japanese -- first time doing that.
🌟 I kinda stopped studying Japanese - just needed a break and to obsess about some other things.
🌟 But I went to Japan???? LOL Spent almost all my money, was terrified, alone, sometimes lost, and then as the trip went on I gained my bearing and met my online friends and was immediately bosom friends with them, and we miss each other now, and it's like, I wanna go back to see them because they gave me a taste of friendship that I haven't had in a long time, but I can't imagine ever having the money again.
🌟 My hair situation never improved and now we're trying to see if it's because of low ferritin levels. Although my ability to test that might be fucked up now that I'm on birth control as of last week, so hormones, and possible side effects, and all that great stuff.
🌟 But I'm on birth control because I've been seeing an amazing lad named Jesse for three months, who's causing me grief right now, bless his heart, not entirely his fault, let's not get into it. As "Erik" says: anything you love will be torture.
🌟 Speaking of "Erik", I'm now on chapter 21 of He's There! I got back into it. There's a closed group on FB now where me and my readers actually talk to each other about it, as well as Phantom and related subjects. It's fun. I'm really trying to keep this going and not get side-tracked by, well, anything else. Not even my urge to create art. I want this manuscript done already.
🌟 I developed an obsession with Labyrinth. Because I have no money, it has been a slow crawl through the first stages of developing a cosplay for Jareth. I have a Labyrinth blog, Pants, Magic, Pants. For some reason a fair amount of people are enjoying it. I started learning contact juggling.

That's probably the majority of it. Seems by the entries last year that around this time and late into last Fall I was pretty moody, but this time around I've really been pretty okay. Summer has not been as hot, my air conditioner is protecting me. Obsession has kept me floating. I'm getting laid. *shrug* hahahahahahaha Work is a bit less of a shit-show, although I'm COMPLETELY sick of it and need to make some kind of change. I almost ALMOST applied for an overnight job that opened up, just to get away from people.

Maybe if I'm motivated I'll start posting chapter back-ups of all the writing I've been doing, and, you know, blog about that stuff. pfff We'll see.

I've become terribly confused with what I'm doing! I have chapter 6 sitting here, and I just keep rereading it, reworking it, adjusting it, omitting one sentence somewhere, thinking maybe now it flows the way I want it, but no, it does not. I feel like half of it totally loses its pacing and will lose its readers, even though this may not be true. I feel like there's something I'm doing that I already did and it's either I throw out a bunch of stuff I enjoyed writing and thought meant something or risk being redundant. I might just finish what I was doing, wrap up this chapter, and then ask for help, because I've been stumped on it for like... the entire month. And I am itching to know what cloudsinvenice thinks. x) And savoreachsense, and Emily, and Jenna.

I'm just tryinggg... to be positive, here. When I finish it, even if it's not very good, I will have created about half of all the new material I need before I smooth out the entire thing, and I will have done it on time. If I stay at the pace I've been going (which allows for me to slow down like this when I'm having trouble), I'll have rewritten everything I wanted to, with time to spare on other projects, and on editing... I think.

Ugh, yes, think positive, Jennifer!

You have been revising your novel like a champion! Even through horrible feelings of self-hatred and hopelessness and fatigue and a sudden loss of motivation, you are doing it!

And you were drawing something lately.


It's part of a mini-comic for an idea I had years ago about Hatter and Hare deciding they would tape their dicks together, for no reason at all. thchchchchh

You know, it actually feels good to act like I accomplished something. I mean, even though I know I did, having something that is at least remarkably similar to depression zaps away positive feelings you have about what you've done, until nothing's good enough. I might just come here and make it a rule to say mostly positive things and celebrate instead of complaining. Probably makes it more enjoyable for the rest of you, anyway. Okay, no more whining. I'll post the comic when it's done!

♥,
J

The worst months of the year are fast approaching, and I'm still working on the end of the first arc of He's There. I could have finished it by now, and then some, but Adventures in Wonderland has kind of been all that's tossed and turned in my head.

I'm back to rewatching all the episodes, back to working on projects for it (I mean yesterday I was working on a video all day practically.) I've been psychoanalyzing them, laughing, crying, updating the blog, wondering if I want to interview Robert Barry Fleming (Dum), or *gasp* Armelia (Queenie). Jenna and I discovered something marvelous the other day, because apparently her friend met Ken Page (the Walrus) -- at a performance? Out and about? No idea, didn't ask. But I guess he has been keeping contact with Armelia just as Patrick (Rabbit) does. Notice I'm using all these parentheses, since I know not everyone reading my journal anymore knows what I'm talking about. xD OKAY, LONG STORY SHORT, Ken and Armelia were talking about wanting to have a cast reunion. We don't know what type, if they just wanted to get together for cocktails, all super casual, or what, but it made me very excited. I went as far as pming Richard (Cat) to find out if he knew about it, because damnit, if it happened, I would want them to share their good times with Chuckleheads.

So anyway, the show has been majorly on my mind, and since writing a new fic is one of my 2014 goals, I'm not feeling too badly about being distracted. Jenna and I might even get up the website I started in 2010, which used to be an important goal that I just brushed aside...

Nobody's recently been talking to me about HT, anyway, so it's hard to go back to -- such a lonely place. xD Not sure how chapter five worked out, not sure how everyone's going to feel about Paulina. All I know is I'm probably smart to at least try working on chapter six today, before I must put on the mask of adulthood, go grocery shopping, plan a dentist's appointment, and get back to work... oh, I don't even want to think about it.

I'm applying at the tea store again. Wish me luck, because I sure as fuck need it. ♥ ♥ ♥

~J

Independent study is going to work out, but it's quite a responsibility, especially now that I have to design my own syllabus, which means get familiar with the materials I haven't even studied yet so I know they're useful to me. I got a job. I make pizzas in the evening and have pleasant conversations with my coworkers - you can't get much better.

I don't know when I'm going to be able to conclude HT, but I already know what kind of plans I'll have when it's finished. I'm going to back off and wait for constructive criticism, and then as this year wraps up I'll be rereading the whole thing and providing my own criticisms. I'll probably use the Facebook page to point out the most important observations and DESPERATELY HOPE a few people care to provide an opinion on them.

Then there's NaNoWriMo, which I can never decide is exciting or awful, since I always try and always fail epically. Is anyone out there doing it? I can't see how I'd manage even the halfway mark without a support system. If I do it, don't judge me, but I think I'm going to challenge myself to write a new Adventures in Wonderland fic. I have some old ideas like Handful of Hare, and Us Against the World? -- who knows when/if that gets played out. Jenna and I started a very funny plot bunny about Rabbit solely witnessing the Queen have a slapdash affair with Walrus which I tentatively titled The Queen and the Contractor. lol If it's like my other fics, it'll be ~50 pages long and span 4 or 5 parts. I can imagine it would be a challenge to do a part a week, so it seems like a practical NaNo project for someone like me.

But that's still a month away. You know what I'd like to tackle? Crystal Palace 4. I pretended this would be done in summer and then got lost with it. 25 more pages of script and this thing would be a first draft! I gotta get on it.

No saying anyone will be reading my stuff once HT -- my shining, golden star -- is no longer an updated work (even though I think the revisions will be huge when it comes to the first 15 chapters.)

...

I don't have it in me to beg for support, either.

I'm used to writing lonely. ;)

-J

It's weird to think I've reached the point in my story where Lily doesn't want to be with him anymore, but is still "in love" with him. With such a big project, you never think you'll reach the end. Not that I'm ending quite yet - there's still a few months left of the story that will take up 10 or less chapters, but I won't really know how easy or complicated it will be to tell the rest. Even more, I'm not sure yet how I might allude to the things that might consume the future.

I know at the moment I will NOT write a sequel even though some other writers would say there's room for one -- that the ending even screams for one! -- but imagining all there is to imagine is not what I'm all about. Successful stories are springboards that leave room for others to have their own imaginations. At the core of their appeal is a sense that an undercurrent is going to pick up speed, if you're intuitive enough to notice it.

My goodness, you have no idea what I'm talking about! And only under a serious friends cut would I talk about what I think might happen in Lily's future. I guess to sum up my suspicions about the future... obsessive characters who are alive and well may go away for a while but always come back. :) That would actually fit CH48 on through the end, but you haven't gotten that far yet, so I'mma shut up! Anyway, yes, this next chapter... it'll be hella weird to write. It'll be a time when I throw out little truths and hope they seem legit to my readership.

Of course, speaking of readership, I have none officially but Jenna and Emily. Jenna called CH46 confusing, but Emily was enjoying it. Even though I don't post at ff.net until the reviews come in (which they won't), pretty much no one at the FB page is participating in my posts either. I could tell myself to just yank the story offline completely and wait to publish, but the silence is indicating to me a lack of enthusiasm, which is worrying.

As a post-grad, I'm looking for ways to be successful doing what I love. That was the point of the degree. I hope next year that I'm finishing revisions and getting an agent. Really really really hope. For this summer, I want HT's complete first draft finished. And while I'm here I should try to get together a reasonable plan for the next couple of months.

1. Firstly, I so desire to consider what I learned in scriptwriting class in order to fashion and execute an ending for CP4. I've been rereading it and shortening bits of the first two parts into a Celtx document, but two parts (of 8) are already 31 pages, meaning the script as it is, without reaching a climax, is probably around 120pgs, or two hours of material. That's just way too much. I'll edit the rest in my spare time and see what the actual page count is, but in order to end it, I'm sure maybe as much as 25pgs will have to be hacked. I'm hoping I can do that by cleanly removing unnecessary scenes or "arriving late and leaving early" more often with the scenes I have, as Mrs. Emmons explained. It's always been hard for me to do that because of how much I love to explore my characters and see them being themselves or interacting, even if it doesn't contribute to the plot picking up pace. -- And as a side note, I wonder what it will be like to hand this over to Kate. Or even just to tell her "hey, I wrote an entire other movie while you were off ignoring me for so-and-such years."

2. When CP4 is all figured out, I think I'll be moving on to Nosferatu in Love, although if this is happening in the Fall, it means I'll be structuring the episodes while I'm revising HT, which will probably be really hard. For the time being, I'm going to plan on pushing myself, mainly because NIL has not been focused on in a while and it's making me feel really guilty not to be developing it. And I don't mean guilty like "my inspiration is all guilt", but guilty like "this is legitimately an awesome project that speaks for my obsession with Nosferatu (still going on) and to not be developing it is just ridiculous." But then I remember why I'm not: because HT, my child of six years, is getting ready for kindergarten and being sent off into the real world and deserves my support and guidance. ;D

As for my personal life during all this time, well, I hope I'll be working a basic job that doesn't demand all my energy and mind like school did. In fact, I've had my eye on Pier One Imports, which if you didn't know is a rocking store that sells all kinds of stuff I want but can't afford. If I get the job, I'll be expecting a discount.

Okay, going back home now. There's a lot to do today. I had my laptop cover fixed and need to pick it up, I'm meeting Steven at the mall where he has training at The Big Penny and I will be searching for work, Lizzie's over, and Mom and I are going shopping (sorta). I'll conk out tonight and probably not advance in He's There's CH48 at all, but here's to hoping. *lifts imaginary glass*

♥,
J

If you'll have me, I have an explanation for the absence.

Winter 2013 was one of my busiest terms ever!

It competes with Fall 2011 when I took four classes, but I only took three, but somehow... I was being whipped in the dungeons of education! I had no time barely, even just to draw. It was not a particularly happy term because of it, and unfortunately... I needed half of my break just to recuperate.

But... you all remember I made myself cry last break, thinking about how I abandoned He's There just for Nosferatu and everything else! I feel a lot better now, because I put it all aside and I plotted HT to a satisfactory point (meaning I adjusted what I had and made it make more sense and be more productive), and now I can write it. I'm going to, I swear.

For right this moment, it even fills a hole inside me. I'm not going to go into detail about that, I don't even have time, but you have my word. I'm writing. Tonight!

It just disappeared. Right before my eyes.

And yet it remains a condition that time races and my brain simply derps. I seriously do not even have a verdict yet - it's not like I used the last three weeks, while I wasn't writing a thing, to come up with the thing I would write. I simply derped.

It's okay though, I guess - if anyone even gives the slightest shit, while my creative side was derping, my intellectual side was maintaining its 4.0+ GPA. And my heart was busy gushing over Alfred Hitchcock and wishing he were my grandfather. (LJ, you're finally up to date because I've already said that everywhere else that I frequent.)

I have good news for my creativity in the future, though - in Winter term I'm taking a screenwriting class. Well, I'm first on the waiting list for it anyway. *crosses fingers* I'm hoping that it'll get me closer to an accomplishment than the video production class did that I took this term, which was shit. All that really happened was me dealing with an unprepared, lazy, passive-aggressive teacher, but having a little bit of fun fumbling around with a camera. When I got back my first project grade, I got an A, but she told me I shouldn't have included a shot of me crossing stuff out in my planner because "it wasn't interesting enough".

Anyway, none of this pertains to my writing journal, does it? Well, I was thinking of doing a silly thing that I used to do years ago when I didn't understand the concept of spreading myself out too thin: doing any project I feel like at any time, once Winter Break starts. Because I just don't want to commit. I want to see if I can just do whatever the fuck I want, and fuck my own rules! :D Cuz they aren't working, either.

Jenna and Nataly are reading He's There aloud - I want to give them (and everybody else) new chapters.
I'm still thinking about Nosferatu in Love all the time - I wanna write episodes.
Bunnies and fanfic covers need to be drawn - I'M DOING IT.

FUCK YOU, CREATIVE GODS.

Excuse me. School has just been busy whipping my ass all over the place, and I'm writing this, probably, on the brink of madness because everything will be due on December 3rd. I'm just waiting for that Crunch to register, and I'll be getting ready to jump out a window.

But I'm telling myself not to enter the break thinking it's then "do nothing" time. Sure, Jennifer, jump out a window, but stand up, dust yourself off, go inside, and open Microsoft Word. Or you'll hate yourself.

<3,
J

I'm going to keep this at the forefront of my mind, truly. Or else at New Years I'll feel horrible.

1. Finish Trying Tuesday. (One more part. *crosses fingers*)
2. Make posters for all of my AIW fanfictions.
3. Design an AIW fanfiction ebook, with an illustrated cover.
4. Write HT
5. Make more HT illustrations.
6. Write NIL
7. Finish Tearin' Up My Heart.
8. Plan CP4.

Oy, well, since NaNoWriMo is around the corner, which will kick me in the butt to write, no matter what I choose, I think I'm going to be an artist instead of a writer for the next five days. It might also be a better idea since I continue to have all of this shit to do for school. It would actually *really* please me if Tearin' Up My Heart was finished for Halloween, like a present to myself. :) Then I can finally talk about it on here. You guys probably don't even remember since I started it in January.

NaNoWriMo, I don't even know still what will happen. When I talked to Jenna last night about Nosferatu in Love, I remembered why it would be so fun to work on it. But He's There, mannn, He's There! I hate this. Maybe I'll just do them both. Somehow. And go crazy, meanwhile.

-J