In which Kate shows up! (Yes, I know I'm awesome. ;D)
I know I didn't leave the comment for the other, and I'm already getting tired, but I do want to make a point of mentioning that this was kind of a fascinating installment to write. I haven't heard from Kate in a year because she's off having issues of some sort and shirking her friendship with me in the process, but it was days after Cosmo's creation, we're talking early 2004, that she told me "let me have him". I don't know if she still has a crush on him, but at least a few years ago she did. CP4 was beginning to be planned in 2008, and when Cosmo was supposed to get a girlfriend, it couldn't have been clearer who it was going to be. I've been asked, even, at DA, "can I have Cosmo?" whatever that means, and usually that comment is easy to be brushed off, but I have made sure to consistently say "he belongs to my friend Kate".
Also, she is personified fairly accurately here. With her aloofness, too-the-point comments and honesty, to telling Cosmo she won't share her milkshake, to being content eating popcorn and McDonalds for half the day. She is going to be rather the anti-Cosmo: the one who cares very little for healthy home cooking or work ethic. However, she will be the catalyst for Cosmo's change into a more assertive and self-centered person. She will teach him to have a little more fun, have a little more sex, and say "no" more often. And she told me before that, unlike for me at my house, she would try Cosmo's cooking just to make him happy. That's a BIG DEAL for Kate.
Lastly, it was a fun exercise in the self-conscious manner. Having Cosmo talk about me behind my back was interesting, and in real life I might be disappointed with what he says, but I tried to be realistic. Well, that'll do it. Part 8 will come soon, and that will make real the true fantasy I've had for this movie for years. *zips lips*
86 / 100 words. 86% done!
CRYSTAL PALACE 4 – Part 7 – The Harry Potter Collection
A montage ensues of Cosmo looking after Crystallina at her house and his apartment. When he arrives, Jennifer is chattering away on her phone in a distressed state, and she does the same when she arrives to dismiss him.
Crystallina has been dealing Cosmo a mean hand of pedophile framings and murder attempts, with increasing absurdity. He trips over a rollerskate at the top of the stairs and manage to grab the banister before rolling down. Next, she hides his pager somewhere in her room, and Jennifer finds him searching her dresser. She bumps into him with considerable force while he’s leaning into an oven, and he wakes up on the couch with Jennifer standing over him, and on his lap is a box of snap-shots of Crystallina half-dressed and looking startled. One has also been placed in his hand. A few times in a row, Cosmo is seen tied to a chair with a bruise on his forehead.
Meanwhile, at work, Mr. Quellini yells at him over various problems and seems to have made him the company laughing stock. People pass him while he corrects some difficult order and ask “how’s the king?” Owen leaves his tables unbussed and he’s forced to clear them while parties of six and eight weight impatiently for him. After work, all his boss does is pat him on the shoulder and tell him he’s one-of-a-kind.
Also meanwhile, Cosmo vigorously dials number after number to get a hold of Sex Patron dating service, and his inbox is being filled with spam and hook-up requests. “I’ve got a zucchini that big, too.”
Finally, he bows to Jennifer on his way out when she notices something sticking out of his pocket. He looks down and notices a flowery print to it, and tries to stuff it back in, but Jennifer curiously removes it and holds it in front of her.
JENNIFER
Is this Crystallina’s underwear?
COSMO
I-I-I don’t know how they got in there.
Finally, he arrives home, where the door opens to a shadow-filled room with a canted angle. His silhouette is in the doorway, shoulders slumping. He enters. Cut to: Cosmo slipping into bed next to conspicuously empty space. He turns out the light.
INT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER'S, MASTER BEDROOM. 8:00PM.
Up in her parents’ room, Crystallina is sprawled across the bed with an unreasonably large bowl of popcorn, cackling at some late-night cartoon. Cosmo, meanwhile, is outside the door, sitting on a little stool, his figure drooping and face down, half claimed by darkness. He rubs his eyes as different levels of light hit his side from the television’s changing images.
Just then, the doorbell rings. He discreetly looks into the bedroom. Crystallina doesn’t seem to have noticed it. He gets up. His feet nervously descend each step of the stairs. When he reaches the door, he can already see a tall figure in the side window. He checks the peephole and it’s a woman, someone he’s seen here or there…
He swings the door open.
It’s Kate, Jennifer’s friend. As he last saw her, she sports heels that give her quite a few inches over him, and seeing him does not make her smile.
COSMO
Uhhh…
KATE
Is Jennifer home?
COSMO
No, she’s at the office right now.
KATE
Damn.
She glances back at her car.
COSMO
Is there something I can help you with?
KATE
She borrowed my Harry Potter hard-bound collection twenty years ago. I didn’t have anything better to do so I thought I’d come get it back.
COSMO
Your what?
Kate leans forward into the porch light and quite intimidates him.
KATE
Harry. Potter.
Cosmo’s mouth gapes as he tries to jog his memory.
COSMO
Ohhh! That’s right. Yes. Harry Potter. Well-
KATE
Clearly she’s not here and can’t bring it to me, so… Goodbye.
COSMO
Wait!
Kate steps off the porch and stops, then slowly turns to him and anticipates the reason for this request. Filled with what to her is unexplainable paranoia, he checks behind him and gulps, then steps outside and closes the door. He takes one look at her but can’t speak. Instead, he drops down at the edge of the porch where his face meets his hands. Kate’s torn between getting in her car and helping this sad, sad creature, and she shuffles between the two prospects before standing in front of Cosmo with her arms crossed. Cosmo’s eyes rise and grip her, looking for understanding; anything at all.
COSMO
You know I’m babysitting Crystallina, right?
Kate’s hand covers her mouth.
KATE
I’m sorry.
COSMO
Thanks, but apologies are fairly meaningless in this situation.
KATE
How long have you been doing this?
COSMO
About two weeks. Not every day, but often enough to make my life a living hell, you know…
KATE
Why would Jennifer ask you to babysit? Doesn’t she have a list of qualified professionals?
COSMO
Apparently not.
KATE
And I thought Crystallina hated you.
COSMO
Oh, make no mistake of it: she thoroughly hates me. I’m sure that there’s no one else in the world for which she wishes more despair. Not even her mother. But her mother likes me. Sometimes I regret it.
Kate isn’t sure what to say, so Cosmo decides to relive the past two weeks.
COSMO
Oh, the horrors. On the first night, she threatened to set fire to my wallet. On the second, she tied me up and tormented me with accusations of being a pedophile.
KATE
Still?
COSMO
After that, I have to wonder if Jennifer’s hands are really this tied, or if she’s just selfish.
KATE
Oh, come on. Of course her hands are tied. Her husband’s a fucking alcoholic. And a drama queen to boot. And while all this shit is happening, she’s supposed to maintain some type of career as a D-list film director.
COSMO
I know, I know… and I’m just a single man who gets to do whatever he likes otherwise, is that it? But even my job is busting my balls.
KATE
Look, I didn’t mean to say you shouldn’t be frustrated. Believe me, Jennifer and I have discussed your awful life many times.
Cosmo breaks himself out of his reverie and quirks his brow at her.
KATE
Well, okay, just a couple times. (pause) Sorry.
COSMO
You haven’t even heard the worst of it. She’s been framing me. She somehow managed to get us scraping around on the floor together, and Jennifer had the key to my apartment. She came in and it looked like I was – well, you know. She painted pictures of naked girls and said they were mine. Plagued my internet history with searches for child pornography…
KATE
Why didn’t you just stop her?
COSMO
I was drunk! She spiked my winecooler!
Kate blows a raspberry with a hint of delight.
KATE
You were drinking a winecooler.
COSMO
Oh, my goodness, that’s not the point!
When Cosmo flaps his hands about in protest, she smiles.
COSMO
She’s trying to have me arrested! Again! And worse, I think Jennifer is beginning to get suspicious. I mean I have no excuse for these things, and I certainly didn’t the night she staged a grand seduction in my apartment.
KATE
So you’re really that concerned you look like a pedophile?
COSMO
To be honest, I’m getting there. If only I… Could I ask you something?
Kate darts her eyes around. Cosmo curls his fingers and raises them to his mouth, trying to turn his grimace into a smile. Kate just blinks.
CUT TO:
INT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER’S, KITCHEN. NEXT DAY.
Jennifer’s rinsing a plate in the sink when two people show up behind her. As she’s minding her business, we see their hands uniting in center frame, with a shallow focus on them. When Jennifer turns around and reaches for a towel, she’s surprised.
JENNIFER
Oh, Jesus, you were so quiet I didn’t even realize you came in.
Kate and Cosmo look to each other, and then laugh it off.
COSMO
Sorry about that!
JENNIFER
Oh, no, it’s okay. …What’re you doing here?
Kate shrugs.
KATE
I was in the neighborhood, and so was Cosmo, so… here we are…
Cosmo tries his best to look playful while swinging their hands up and down, but Jennifer goes on to locate her grocery list on the fridge door.
JENNIFER
Well this really isn’t a good time. I’m about to go shopping.
COSMO
Oh, well, we can leave. Sorry to’ve bothered you.
He tries to turn around, but Kate tugs at his arm and jerks her face in Jennifer’s direction as she scribbles on her list. Cosmo frowns. Jennifer looks up.
JENNIFER
Why are you holding hands?
COSMO
Eheheh, oh, neither of us have told you? My goodness, Kate, I thought you had handl-
KATE
We’re dating. I realized how attractive he was, and… um… he was clearly checking me out, so…
Jennifer is recounting everything on her list, notably more interested in it than anything they’re saying. Finally, she stuffs it into her purse and walks past them.
JENNIFER
Well that’s lovely, Cosmo. Good for you. I’m certain Kate will outperform Akira in the bedroom by ten-fold. And, Kate…
She stops by the hallway entrance.
JENNIFER
I’ve never gotten a direct review for Cosmo, but my husband mentions him nightly in his sleep, if that’s any indicator.
Cosmo bites his lip as she disappears.
CUT TO: Crystallina’s bedroom. She’s writing at her desk with a scroll and quill by candlelight – all of the windows are covered by curtains. Over her face is a black veil which flows down her back, and at her feet is the cascading fabric of a long dress of Victorian style. She sniffs and whimpers while reading aloud her letter, with Lacrimosa playing on her Play Skool boom-box.
CRYSTALLINA
A few days have passed, but the pain of losing my purity is as fresh in my soul as frost in a grey morning of bitter Winter… Will there be no Spring until the distant day you return from abroad?--
Suddenly the light turns on.
JENNIFER
Crystallina – we’re going to the store, now. Put on your normal clothes.
Crystallina whips around, but Jennifer’s already disappeared from the door frame. She takes a deep sigh and brings forth her chest, laying a trembling hand over her heart.
CUT TO: Downstairs. Cosmo keeps looking down to his and Kate’s finger-laced hands. Without a word spoken, he gently wiggles himself free. They can hear thuds coming from upstairs, but no one is descending. Kate rolls her eyes.
KATE
Well, obviously-
COSMO
Uh, I- I read Harry Potter last night.
Kate looks him in the eye, but nothing else. Cosmo makes himself laugh a little.
COSMO
The truth is… I’d never heard of it before. It could’ve been a series of self-help books, for all I knew, by uh… Dr. Potter.
KATE
Are you serious?
He notes the nonplussed expression on her face and slumps his shoulders.
COSMO
I’m afraid so. The Shiver Region is a very isolated and outdated place… Well, anyway, I liked it, but I did feel quite badly for Harry. But it amused me that he had to live under the stairs. I still remember the first day I saw the servant’s quarters at the palace – the lower class servants, and I was terrified to think that-
Suddenly Jennifer comes down the stairs by the pantry, stopping to shout to Crystallina that she’ll be waiting in the car.
JENNIFER
You’ll let yourselves out, right? And by the way? Cosmo? The beds are off-limits.
She closes the garage door behind her, and soon Crystallina follows in her path, still wearing the long gown, which in better lighting is clearly some shitty Halloween costume from Party City. She squints at Cosmo all the way to the door.
CRYSTALLINA
Security cameras. They’re everywhere.
She back-steps out of the house and closes the door. Cosmo and Kate first cannot bring themselves to do anything but stand there and register the bulk of dysfunction that has passed before their eyes.
KATE
Well… all things considered, that wasn’t a total shitfest. I think Jennifer bought it.
COSMO
Do you?
KATE
Yeah, but I don’t think she thinks we’ll last long. I mean, we’re clearly a strange couple.
COSMO
Eheh. Oh, come now, if we were really dating, I’m sure we could get along.
KATE
Yeahhh, and we could talk about Harry Potter all day.
She says, leaving his side. He trails her with his face downcast until they reach the living room, but she turns around out of nowhere and he almost walks straight into her.
COSMO
Sorry.
KATE
Why exactly did you read any of that, anyway?
COSMO
Well I just, I just… I figured it musn’t be taken lightly if a girl will pretend to be your girlfriend, for any reason. I appreciate your help and wanted to know something better about you. That must sound silly.
Kate’s features soften.
KATE
No.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOVIE THEATER ENTRANCE. 4:30PM.
From outside a theater lobby, Kate and Cosmo can be seen approaching the doors, with springs in their steps and gaping smiles on their faces, as it were. Once the doors open --Cosmo facilitating, of course – their laughter reaches our ears.
KATE
Of course! I could tell by the trailer it was going to be total shit!
COSMO
I’m sorry, Kate, but at least I paid for this catastrophe, right?!
KATE
You shouldn’t have – I’m clearly the one with money to blow.
Cosmo’s laughter ceases and he bows his head.
COSMO
It was nice of you to-…
He shrugs his shoulders, and so does Kate, and neither of them make eye-contact.
KATE
Yeah, well, I had nothing better to do. (pause) So you want to get McDonalds? I’m starving.
COSMO
Mc-McDonalds? Didn’t you have a whole bucket of popcorn while we were in there?
Kate’s expression clearly asks what’s his point.
COSMO
I mean, uh, yes, I’ll go with you.
Kate gives a perfunctory smile and heads off with Cosmo on her trail, whose eyes wander and hands shuffle. She passes a few stores at this elaborately decorated shopping center before she realizes he isn’t keeping by her side. She stops to let him catch up and he cracks another nervous smile. When she resumes, McDonalds is right around the corner. He hurries to open the door for her, and she passes with eyes on the front counter.
KATE
Yeah, hi, can I get the eight-piece chicken nuggets with no dip, and… a large French fry, and a chocolate milkshake, please?
The cashier punches it in. Both wait for Cosmo who has only now wandered over. He squints at the menu, discomforted and uncertain.
COSMO
F- uh… French fries, please. Just the smallest.
CASHIER
Drink?
Cosmo doesn’t immediately realize he’s being addressed, and continues squinting at the menu.
KATE
Cosmo.
COSMO
Yes?
KATE
Do you want a drink? ‘Cause I’m sure as hell not sharing my milkshake.
COSMO
Oh! No! That’s alright. No drink, please.
Kate hands them her credit card with an indeterminable look on her face. They stand there quietly for a moment as her milkshake is being filled. The tray slides across the counter and Kate takes it quickly. She finds herself a table as Cosmo scratches his arm. They sit next to each other at a round table in the back and Kate munches abruptly on her fries. Cosmo takes a nibble at his own, which have come in a bag as small as a pocket on a women’s jacket. Kate notices his hesitance and almost asks, but Cosmo speaks up.
COSMO
So, Kate, what exactly do you do, if you don’t mind me asking?
KATE
I’m a film historian. Jennifer makes films; I write about them.
COSMO
Oh, do you? Have you ever written about Jennifer’s films?
KATE
I’ve left a review or two.
COSMO
And what do you think of them?
KATE
Well, clearly, I think she’s talented.
COSMO
Then I should take your word for it. The truth of the matter is… I’ve never seen any of her films. Imports to the Shiver Region are few and far between. That must sound terrible of me.
KATE
Mm, whatever. You’ve seemed pretty much aloof in every way possible since I met you, so I’m not surprised.
COSMO
Oh, no, I don’t mean to be. I’ll get to her movies eventually. I’ve already explored quite a lot since I moved here, and I much prefer it here. I’ll always appreciate my home, but… there’s a feeling of being trapped there. And, unfortunately, I think Akira and I… always remind each other of that feeling.
Kate leans back in her seat and tilts her head at him, looking a bit like a psychoanalyst… with fries from hand to mouth every few seconds.
KATE
Honestly, I don’t know why you put up with him.
COSMO
He’s an asshole, isn’t he?
Kate nearly chokes on her fries.
KATE
Sure you’re not going to get in trouble for that?
Cosmo smiles to his lap.
COSMO
Is that how I seem to you?
KATE
Yes.
COSMO
Well I don’t put up with him anymore! Why, if you’d heard what I said to him once, you’d be quite proud of me!
Kate snorts.
KATE
I’d have to know how mean it was first.
COSMO
What?
KATE
Well if you’re gonna slap Akira in the face, it’s gotta be hard. He’s as dense as marble.
Cosmo covers his mouth with stifled glee, then leans across the table.
COSMO
I told him I was going to forget I had a cousin! And that I’d give him a trophy for assholery!
He sinks back in his seat and covers his mouth again. Kate can’t stop from giggling.
KATE
You?! You said that?!
COSMO
Of course I did! H-he can suck my fucking balls, you know?!
And they both burst into laughter that fills the room. At a nearby table, a mother frowns at Cosmo as her child listens in. Cosmo abruptly quiets and looks to his lap again, while Kate rides the wave of her enthusiasm and sighs.
KATE
Well, if I spent a hundred years as a bathroom attendant, I’d feel the same way.
COSMO
Pardon?
KATE
Didn’t you work in the royal bathroom?
COSMO
…No, I was Akira’s assistant, around the clock.
KATE
Oh. For some reason, I thought…
Cosmo waits for the words to come off her tongue, but she swishes her hand and continues eating.
KATE
(with her mouth full)
Well it seems like you’d know enough to sufficiently blackmail him.
COSMO
Eheheheh, I guess I’d never dreamed of doing something like that before, but you’re right. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve calmly reflected upon the possible origins of all his… quirks. It’s one reason I don’t have the heart to bash him too severely. Life as a prince was not fun. Frankly, no one in the palace was happy.
KATE
Oh, Jennifer’s told me all about that stuff. Didn’t his dad used to mutilate his subjects if they misbehaved?
Cosmo bows his head.
COSMO
Yes, and it happened to Akira once as well. I was lucky.
KATE
It did?
COSMO
Yes… When he was younger, he tried running away. I wasn’t there, but the story was well established among the servants, spread from the ones who saw it, that the king bent him over his knee and sliced the skin across the back of his neck. I still wonder if he has a scar, but it would be strange of me to ask.
KATE
I’ll ask Jennifer.
COSMO
Thank you.
Cosmo delights in her offering and decides to reach for a fry.
KATE
So what about all of the gay stuff?
Cosmo pauses a moment, then sets down the fry. He looks her firmly in the eye.
COSMO
None of it is true.
Kate shrugs.
COSMO
Jennifer was picking on me that night, Kate. And you should know that I had a tumor.
KATE
…The tumor… was making you gay? That’s a controversial argument-
COSMO
No… It was not making me gay. It was impairing my judgment, and it led to a gay decisio- Oh, for Heaven’s sake. You’ll just have to take my word. And if there were any god at all, he would be more than certain that a lady’s presence is far overdue in my life. In fact, the continued lack of compensation for my solitude makes me sure there is no one there noticing at all! What a joke that Akira is the one who’s marri- Oh, dear, I’d better just… shut up.
KATE
Oh, no, this is quite amusing. This is more than I’ve ever heard you say in my entire life.
She crumples up her napkin and stands up with the tray.
KATE
But you didn’t eat any of that.
Cosmo stands up and takes a deep breath.
COSMO
Well I guess I’m not hungry…
Kate shrugs and stuffs the bag in her purse. When they leave McDonalds, Cosmo goes back to standing around near her with his hands in his pockets. Kate looks around with the straw to her milkshake in her mouth before saying:
KATE
Well, this was actually kind of fun. I guess it won’t be total torture the next time I have to pretend in front of Jennifer.
COSMO
Oh, heh, that’s very kind of you. I feel similarly.
KATE
Yeah, well, just let me know-
As Kate continues, Cosmo notices a bus making its way past. Across the side is a large advertisement for “Sex Patron Dating Service”, with his face and zucchini in bright colors. He gapes accordingly and jumps in front of her.
KATE
Cosmo?
COSMO
Oh, uh, yes, of course I’ll tell you if I need you again, but who knows! Maybe one time is enough.
KATE
Okay?
COSMO
Not that I want it to be.
Kate looks like she’s going to peer around him, but he gets on his tip-toes and swishes his hands around.
COSMO
That’s not what I meant to say!
He looks behind him and the bus has gone far enough away, so he drops his arms.
COSMO
Well I hope the rest of your day is lovely…
Kate just stares at him for a moment, then smiles in another direction. Cosmo looks similarly pleased, if not completely awkward. Fade out.
Favorite Quotes
I know I didn't leave the comment for the other, and I'm already getting tired, but I do want to make a point of mentioning that this was kind of a fascinating installment to write. I haven't heard from Kate in a year because she's off having issues of some sort and shirking her friendship with me in the process, but it was days after Cosmo's creation, we're talking early 2004, that she told me "let me have him". I don't know if she still has a crush on him, but at least a few years ago she did. CP4 was beginning to be planned in 2008, and when Cosmo was supposed to get a girlfriend, it couldn't have been clearer who it was going to be. I've been asked, even, at DA, "can I have Cosmo?" whatever that means, and usually that comment is easy to be brushed off, but I have made sure to consistently say "he belongs to my friend Kate".
Also, she is personified fairly accurately here. With her aloofness, too-the-point comments and honesty, to telling Cosmo she won't share her milkshake, to being content eating popcorn and McDonalds for half the day. She is going to be rather the anti-Cosmo: the one who cares very little for healthy home cooking or work ethic. However, she will be the catalyst for Cosmo's change into a more assertive and self-centered person. She will teach him to have a little more fun, have a little more sex, and say "no" more often. And she told me before that, unlike for me at my house, she would try Cosmo's cooking just to make him happy. That's a BIG DEAL for Kate.
Lastly, it was a fun exercise in the self-conscious manner. Having Cosmo talk about me behind my back was interesting, and in real life I might be disappointed with what he says, but I tried to be realistic. Well, that'll do it. Part 8 will come soon, and that will make real the true fantasy I've had for this movie for years. *zips lips*
CRYSTAL PALACE 4 – Part 7 – The Harry Potter Collection
A montage ensues of Cosmo looking after Crystallina at her house and his apartment. When he arrives, Jennifer is chattering away on her phone in a distressed state, and she does the same when she arrives to dismiss him.
Crystallina has been dealing Cosmo a mean hand of pedophile framings and murder attempts, with increasing absurdity. He trips over a rollerskate at the top of the stairs and manage to grab the banister before rolling down. Next, she hides his pager somewhere in her room, and Jennifer finds him searching her dresser. She bumps into him with considerable force while he’s leaning into an oven, and he wakes up on the couch with Jennifer standing over him, and on his lap is a box of snap-shots of Crystallina half-dressed and looking startled. One has also been placed in his hand. A few times in a row, Cosmo is seen tied to a chair with a bruise on his forehead.
Meanwhile, at work, Mr. Quellini yells at him over various problems and seems to have made him the company laughing stock. People pass him while he corrects some difficult order and ask “how’s the king?” Owen leaves his tables unbussed and he’s forced to clear them while parties of six and eight weight impatiently for him. After work, all his boss does is pat him on the shoulder and tell him he’s one-of-a-kind.
Also meanwhile, Cosmo vigorously dials number after number to get a hold of Sex Patron dating service, and his inbox is being filled with spam and hook-up requests. “I’ve got a zucchini that big, too.”
Finally, he bows to Jennifer on his way out when she notices something sticking out of his pocket. He looks down and notices a flowery print to it, and tries to stuff it back in, but Jennifer curiously removes it and holds it in front of her.
JENNIFER
Is this Crystallina’s underwear?
COSMO
I-I-I don’t know how they got in there.
Finally, he arrives home, where the door opens to a shadow-filled room with a canted angle. His silhouette is in the doorway, shoulders slumping. He enters. Cut to: Cosmo slipping into bed next to conspicuously empty space. He turns out the light.
INT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER'S, MASTER BEDROOM. 8:00PM.
Up in her parents’ room, Crystallina is sprawled across the bed with an unreasonably large bowl of popcorn, cackling at some late-night cartoon. Cosmo, meanwhile, is outside the door, sitting on a little stool, his figure drooping and face down, half claimed by darkness. He rubs his eyes as different levels of light hit his side from the television’s changing images.
Just then, the doorbell rings. He discreetly looks into the bedroom. Crystallina doesn’t seem to have noticed it. He gets up. His feet nervously descend each step of the stairs. When he reaches the door, he can already see a tall figure in the side window. He checks the peephole and it’s a woman, someone he’s seen here or there…
He swings the door open.
It’s Kate, Jennifer’s friend. As he last saw her, she sports heels that give her quite a few inches over him, and seeing him does not make her smile.
COSMO
Uhhh…
KATE
Is Jennifer home?
COSMO
No, she’s at the office right now.
KATE
Damn.
She glances back at her car.
COSMO
Is there something I can help you with?
KATE
She borrowed my Harry Potter hard-bound collection twenty years ago. I didn’t have anything better to do so I thought I’d come get it back.
COSMO
Your what?
Kate leans forward into the porch light and quite intimidates him.
KATE
Harry. Potter.
Cosmo’s mouth gapes as he tries to jog his memory.
COSMO
Ohhh! That’s right. Yes. Harry Potter. Well-
KATE
Clearly she’s not here and can’t bring it to me, so… Goodbye.
COSMO
Wait!
Kate steps off the porch and stops, then slowly turns to him and anticipates the reason for this request. Filled with what to her is unexplainable paranoia, he checks behind him and gulps, then steps outside and closes the door. He takes one look at her but can’t speak. Instead, he drops down at the edge of the porch where his face meets his hands. Kate’s torn between getting in her car and helping this sad, sad creature, and she shuffles between the two prospects before standing in front of Cosmo with her arms crossed. Cosmo’s eyes rise and grip her, looking for understanding; anything at all.
COSMO
You know I’m babysitting Crystallina, right?
Kate’s hand covers her mouth.
KATE
I’m sorry.
COSMO
Thanks, but apologies are fairly meaningless in this situation.
KATE
How long have you been doing this?
COSMO
About two weeks. Not every day, but often enough to make my life a living hell, you know…
KATE
Why would Jennifer ask you to babysit? Doesn’t she have a list of qualified professionals?
COSMO
Apparently not.
KATE
And I thought Crystallina hated you.
COSMO
Oh, make no mistake of it: she thoroughly hates me. I’m sure that there’s no one else in the world for which she wishes more despair. Not even her mother. But her mother likes me. Sometimes I regret it.
Kate isn’t sure what to say, so Cosmo decides to relive the past two weeks.
COSMO
Oh, the horrors. On the first night, she threatened to set fire to my wallet. On the second, she tied me up and tormented me with accusations of being a pedophile.
KATE
Still?
COSMO
After that, I have to wonder if Jennifer’s hands are really this tied, or if she’s just selfish.
KATE
Oh, come on. Of course her hands are tied. Her husband’s a fucking alcoholic. And a drama queen to boot. And while all this shit is happening, she’s supposed to maintain some type of career as a D-list film director.
COSMO
I know, I know… and I’m just a single man who gets to do whatever he likes otherwise, is that it? But even my job is busting my balls.
KATE
Look, I didn’t mean to say you shouldn’t be frustrated. Believe me, Jennifer and I have discussed your awful life many times.
Cosmo breaks himself out of his reverie and quirks his brow at her.
KATE
Well, okay, just a couple times. (pause) Sorry.
COSMO
You haven’t even heard the worst of it. She’s been framing me. She somehow managed to get us scraping around on the floor together, and Jennifer had the key to my apartment. She came in and it looked like I was – well, you know. She painted pictures of naked girls and said they were mine. Plagued my internet history with searches for child pornography…
KATE
Why didn’t you just stop her?
COSMO
I was drunk! She spiked my winecooler!
Kate blows a raspberry with a hint of delight.
KATE
You were drinking a winecooler.
COSMO
Oh, my goodness, that’s not the point!
When Cosmo flaps his hands about in protest, she smiles.
COSMO
She’s trying to have me arrested! Again! And worse, I think Jennifer is beginning to get suspicious. I mean I have no excuse for these things, and I certainly didn’t the night she staged a grand seduction in my apartment.
KATE
So you’re really that concerned you look like a pedophile?
COSMO
To be honest, I’m getting there. If only I… Could I ask you something?
Kate darts her eyes around. Cosmo curls his fingers and raises them to his mouth, trying to turn his grimace into a smile. Kate just blinks.
CUT TO:
INT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER’S, KITCHEN. NEXT DAY.
Jennifer’s rinsing a plate in the sink when two people show up behind her. As she’s minding her business, we see their hands uniting in center frame, with a shallow focus on them. When Jennifer turns around and reaches for a towel, she’s surprised.
JENNIFER
Oh, Jesus, you were so quiet I didn’t even realize you came in.
Kate and Cosmo look to each other, and then laugh it off.
COSMO
Sorry about that!
JENNIFER
Oh, no, it’s okay. …What’re you doing here?
Kate shrugs.
KATE
I was in the neighborhood, and so was Cosmo, so… here we are…
Cosmo tries his best to look playful while swinging their hands up and down, but Jennifer goes on to locate her grocery list on the fridge door.
JENNIFER
Well this really isn’t a good time. I’m about to go shopping.
COSMO
Oh, well, we can leave. Sorry to’ve bothered you.
He tries to turn around, but Kate tugs at his arm and jerks her face in Jennifer’s direction as she scribbles on her list. Cosmo frowns. Jennifer looks up.
JENNIFER
Why are you holding hands?
COSMO
Eheheh, oh, neither of us have told you? My goodness, Kate, I thought you had handl-
KATE
We’re dating. I realized how attractive he was, and… um… he was clearly checking me out, so…
Jennifer is recounting everything on her list, notably more interested in it than anything they’re saying. Finally, she stuffs it into her purse and walks past them.
JENNIFER
Well that’s lovely, Cosmo. Good for you. I’m certain Kate will outperform Akira in the bedroom by ten-fold. And, Kate…
She stops by the hallway entrance.
JENNIFER
I’ve never gotten a direct review for Cosmo, but my husband mentions him nightly in his sleep, if that’s any indicator.
Cosmo bites his lip as she disappears.
CUT TO: Crystallina’s bedroom. She’s writing at her desk with a scroll and quill by candlelight – all of the windows are covered by curtains. Over her face is a black veil which flows down her back, and at her feet is the cascading fabric of a long dress of Victorian style. She sniffs and whimpers while reading aloud her letter, with Lacrimosa playing on her Play Skool boom-box.
CRYSTALLINA
A few days have passed, but the pain of losing my purity is as fresh in my soul as frost in a grey morning of bitter Winter… Will there be no Spring until the distant day you return from abroad?--
Suddenly the light turns on.
JENNIFER
Crystallina – we’re going to the store, now. Put on your normal clothes.
Crystallina whips around, but Jennifer’s already disappeared from the door frame. She takes a deep sigh and brings forth her chest, laying a trembling hand over her heart.
CUT TO: Downstairs. Cosmo keeps looking down to his and Kate’s finger-laced hands. Without a word spoken, he gently wiggles himself free. They can hear thuds coming from upstairs, but no one is descending. Kate rolls her eyes.
KATE
Well, obviously-
COSMO
Uh, I- I read Harry Potter last night.
Kate looks him in the eye, but nothing else. Cosmo makes himself laugh a little.
COSMO
The truth is… I’d never heard of it before. It could’ve been a series of self-help books, for all I knew, by uh… Dr. Potter.
KATE
Are you serious?
He notes the nonplussed expression on her face and slumps his shoulders.
COSMO
I’m afraid so. The Shiver Region is a very isolated and outdated place… Well, anyway, I liked it, but I did feel quite badly for Harry. But it amused me that he had to live under the stairs. I still remember the first day I saw the servant’s quarters at the palace – the lower class servants, and I was terrified to think that-
Suddenly Jennifer comes down the stairs by the pantry, stopping to shout to Crystallina that she’ll be waiting in the car.
JENNIFER
You’ll let yourselves out, right? And by the way? Cosmo? The beds are off-limits.
She closes the garage door behind her, and soon Crystallina follows in her path, still wearing the long gown, which in better lighting is clearly some shitty Halloween costume from Party City. She squints at Cosmo all the way to the door.
CRYSTALLINA
Security cameras. They’re everywhere.
She back-steps out of the house and closes the door. Cosmo and Kate first cannot bring themselves to do anything but stand there and register the bulk of dysfunction that has passed before their eyes.
KATE
Well… all things considered, that wasn’t a total shitfest. I think Jennifer bought it.
COSMO
Do you?
KATE
Yeah, but I don’t think she thinks we’ll last long. I mean, we’re clearly a strange couple.
COSMO
Eheh. Oh, come now, if we were really dating, I’m sure we could get along.
KATE
Yeahhh, and we could talk about Harry Potter all day.
She says, leaving his side. He trails her with his face downcast until they reach the living room, but she turns around out of nowhere and he almost walks straight into her.
COSMO
Sorry.
KATE
Why exactly did you read any of that, anyway?
COSMO
Well I just, I just… I figured it musn’t be taken lightly if a girl will pretend to be your girlfriend, for any reason. I appreciate your help and wanted to know something better about you. That must sound silly.
Kate’s features soften.
KATE
No.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOVIE THEATER ENTRANCE. 4:30PM.
From outside a theater lobby, Kate and Cosmo can be seen approaching the doors, with springs in their steps and gaping smiles on their faces, as it were. Once the doors open --Cosmo facilitating, of course – their laughter reaches our ears.
KATE
Of course! I could tell by the trailer it was going to be total shit!
COSMO
I’m sorry, Kate, but at least I paid for this catastrophe, right?!
KATE
You shouldn’t have – I’m clearly the one with money to blow.
Cosmo’s laughter ceases and he bows his head.
COSMO
It was nice of you to-…
He shrugs his shoulders, and so does Kate, and neither of them make eye-contact.
KATE
Yeah, well, I had nothing better to do. (pause) So you want to get McDonalds? I’m starving.
COSMO
Mc-McDonalds? Didn’t you have a whole bucket of popcorn while we were in there?
Kate’s expression clearly asks what’s his point.
COSMO
I mean, uh, yes, I’ll go with you.
Kate gives a perfunctory smile and heads off with Cosmo on her trail, whose eyes wander and hands shuffle. She passes a few stores at this elaborately decorated shopping center before she realizes he isn’t keeping by her side. She stops to let him catch up and he cracks another nervous smile. When she resumes, McDonalds is right around the corner. He hurries to open the door for her, and she passes with eyes on the front counter.
KATE
Yeah, hi, can I get the eight-piece chicken nuggets with no dip, and… a large French fry, and a chocolate milkshake, please?
The cashier punches it in. Both wait for Cosmo who has only now wandered over. He squints at the menu, discomforted and uncertain.
COSMO
F- uh… French fries, please. Just the smallest.
CASHIER
Drink?
Cosmo doesn’t immediately realize he’s being addressed, and continues squinting at the menu.
KATE
Cosmo.
COSMO
Yes?
KATE
Do you want a drink? ‘Cause I’m sure as hell not sharing my milkshake.
COSMO
Oh! No! That’s alright. No drink, please.
Kate hands them her credit card with an indeterminable look on her face. They stand there quietly for a moment as her milkshake is being filled. The tray slides across the counter and Kate takes it quickly. She finds herself a table as Cosmo scratches his arm. They sit next to each other at a round table in the back and Kate munches abruptly on her fries. Cosmo takes a nibble at his own, which have come in a bag as small as a pocket on a women’s jacket. Kate notices his hesitance and almost asks, but Cosmo speaks up.
COSMO
So, Kate, what exactly do you do, if you don’t mind me asking?
KATE
I’m a film historian. Jennifer makes films; I write about them.
COSMO
Oh, do you? Have you ever written about Jennifer’s films?
KATE
I’ve left a review or two.
COSMO
And what do you think of them?
KATE
Well, clearly, I think she’s talented.
COSMO
Then I should take your word for it. The truth of the matter is… I’ve never seen any of her films. Imports to the Shiver Region are few and far between. That must sound terrible of me.
KATE
Mm, whatever. You’ve seemed pretty much aloof in every way possible since I met you, so I’m not surprised.
COSMO
Oh, no, I don’t mean to be. I’ll get to her movies eventually. I’ve already explored quite a lot since I moved here, and I much prefer it here. I’ll always appreciate my home, but… there’s a feeling of being trapped there. And, unfortunately, I think Akira and I… always remind each other of that feeling.
Kate leans back in her seat and tilts her head at him, looking a bit like a psychoanalyst… with fries from hand to mouth every few seconds.
KATE
Honestly, I don’t know why you put up with him.
COSMO
He’s an asshole, isn’t he?
Kate nearly chokes on her fries.
KATE
Sure you’re not going to get in trouble for that?
Cosmo smiles to his lap.
COSMO
Is that how I seem to you?
KATE
Yes.
COSMO
Well I don’t put up with him anymore! Why, if you’d heard what I said to him once, you’d be quite proud of me!
Kate snorts.
KATE
I’d have to know how mean it was first.
COSMO
What?
KATE
Well if you’re gonna slap Akira in the face, it’s gotta be hard. He’s as dense as marble.
Cosmo covers his mouth with stifled glee, then leans across the table.
COSMO
I told him I was going to forget I had a cousin! And that I’d give him a trophy for assholery!
He sinks back in his seat and covers his mouth again. Kate can’t stop from giggling.
KATE
You?! You said that?!
COSMO
Of course I did! H-he can suck my fucking balls, you know?!
And they both burst into laughter that fills the room. At a nearby table, a mother frowns at Cosmo as her child listens in. Cosmo abruptly quiets and looks to his lap again, while Kate rides the wave of her enthusiasm and sighs.
KATE
Well, if I spent a hundred years as a bathroom attendant, I’d feel the same way.
COSMO
Pardon?
KATE
Didn’t you work in the royal bathroom?
COSMO
…No, I was Akira’s assistant, around the clock.
KATE
Oh. For some reason, I thought…
Cosmo waits for the words to come off her tongue, but she swishes her hand and continues eating.
KATE
(with her mouth full)
Well it seems like you’d know enough to sufficiently blackmail him.
COSMO
Eheheheh, I guess I’d never dreamed of doing something like that before, but you’re right. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve calmly reflected upon the possible origins of all his… quirks. It’s one reason I don’t have the heart to bash him too severely. Life as a prince was not fun. Frankly, no one in the palace was happy.
KATE
Oh, Jennifer’s told me all about that stuff. Didn’t his dad used to mutilate his subjects if they misbehaved?
Cosmo bows his head.
COSMO
Yes, and it happened to Akira once as well. I was lucky.
KATE
It did?
COSMO
Yes… When he was younger, he tried running away. I wasn’t there, but the story was well established among the servants, spread from the ones who saw it, that the king bent him over his knee and sliced the skin across the back of his neck. I still wonder if he has a scar, but it would be strange of me to ask.
KATE
I’ll ask Jennifer.
COSMO
Thank you.
Cosmo delights in her offering and decides to reach for a fry.
KATE
So what about all of the gay stuff?
Cosmo pauses a moment, then sets down the fry. He looks her firmly in the eye.
COSMO
None of it is true.
Kate shrugs.
COSMO
Jennifer was picking on me that night, Kate. And you should know that I had a tumor.
KATE
…The tumor… was making you gay? That’s a controversial argument-
COSMO
No… It was not making me gay. It was impairing my judgment, and it led to a gay decisio- Oh, for Heaven’s sake. You’ll just have to take my word. And if there were any god at all, he would be more than certain that a lady’s presence is far overdue in my life. In fact, the continued lack of compensation for my solitude makes me sure there is no one there noticing at all! What a joke that Akira is the one who’s marri- Oh, dear, I’d better just… shut up.
KATE
Oh, no, this is quite amusing. This is more than I’ve ever heard you say in my entire life.
She crumples up her napkin and stands up with the tray.
KATE
But you didn’t eat any of that.
Cosmo stands up and takes a deep breath.
COSMO
Well I guess I’m not hungry…
Kate shrugs and stuffs the bag in her purse. When they leave McDonalds, Cosmo goes back to standing around near her with his hands in his pockets. Kate looks around with the straw to her milkshake in her mouth before saying:
KATE
Well, this was actually kind of fun. I guess it won’t be total torture the next time I have to pretend in front of Jennifer.
COSMO
Oh, heh, that’s very kind of you. I feel similarly.
KATE
Yeah, well, just let me know-
As Kate continues, Cosmo notices a bus making its way past. Across the side is a large advertisement for “Sex Patron Dating Service”, with his face and zucchini in bright colors. He gapes accordingly and jumps in front of her.
KATE
Cosmo?
COSMO
Oh, uh, yes, of course I’ll tell you if I need you again, but who knows! Maybe one time is enough.
KATE
Okay?
COSMO
Not that I want it to be.
Kate looks like she’s going to peer around him, but he gets on his tip-toes and swishes his hands around.
COSMO
That’s not what I meant to say!
He looks behind him and the bus has gone far enough away, so he drops his arms.
COSMO
Well I hope the rest of your day is lovely…
Kate just stares at him for a moment, then smiles in another direction. Cosmo looks similarly pleased, if not completely awkward. Fade out.
KATE
She borrowed my Harry Potter hard-bound collection twenty years ago. I didn’t have anything better to do so I thought I’d come get it back.
COSMO
I’m sure that there’s no one else in the world for which she wishes more despair.
JENNIFER
Well that’s lovely, Cosmo. Good for you. I’m certain Kate will outperform Akira in the bedroom by ten-fold. And, Kate... (...) I’ve never gotten a direct review for Cosmo, but my husband mentions him nightly in his sleep, if that’s any indicator.
KATE
Do you want a drink? ‘Cause I’m sure as hell not sharing my milkshake.
COSMO
H-he can suck my fucking balls, you know?!
COSMO
And if there were any god at all, he would be more than certain that a lady’s presence is far overdue in my life. In fact, the continued lack of compensation for my solitude makes me sure there is no one there noticing at all!
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