So I've always done something like method acting in my head, to make my characters react the way I think suits them. I'll go from moment to moment hopping into their bodies, taking on their different points of view, motivations, objectives, and sometimes that has even led me to physically spending time as characters that will have a lot of expression in a certain scene or chapter. I used to become "Erik" by dressing up and going to walk the dock at night with a scarf over half of my face. I would have all of his negative thoughts and come back inspired to live as him through that chapter, confident I could do it right.

But I always got exhausted by it; I knew that being him was not a pleasant experience. He has always been the darkest piece of me that I took out of my head and grew into a man, I'll say. He's the one who adopted all the feelings inside me that I hate, and has to experience them constantly. Whose entire life has been ruined by these feelings paired with isolation, lack of support, with being different. So I was always happy to step out of him, finish a chapter, and get to be myself again. I knew that he and I were still very different, even if he came from me.

But nowadays, I think I become more and more like him all the time. Angry, frustrated, disappointed, and convinced that I can't get through life without distracting myself with things that aren't real.

It's a scary thing to admit.