HE'S THERE
Chapter 21 – How Not to Ignore Problems


It had been in hour since I was home. I retreated into my parent's bedroom to lay on their bed and watch their television, the cellphone sitting next to me the entire time, for God knows what. I half expected him to call or text me, I guess, to try explaining or, well anything. Even to remind me that I was melodramatic. But he didn't. He was completely content relaying the information that I had learned earlier, watching me hurry off, and knowing that I would worry all night.

He just didn't care, about anything!
Running a razorblade or a scissor end, etc etc, into his face to the point of serious wounds was apparently as basic to him as brushing his teeth or watering the plants. I was scaring myself even thinking about what he looked like under that mask... not because I pictured and expected the most handsome man in the world. It was only, and rightly so, because I cared about his wellbeing and knew that he had not only damaged a place I wanted to touch and admire some day, but to do so in the first place pointed to, at the very least, moderate psychological instability.

I knew he had to be...quirky... different... but... I didn't know at this point. What word to use. How that word effects us, or me.

The television was going off, now. I was sick of looking for something to watch. I had tried to distract myself with stand-up on Comedy Central, but all of the holly-jolly commercials for Christmas on its way made me want to head butt the screen.

I moseyed into the study and signed into aim.


Suddenly a message popped up from Meg, who needed to let me know immediately that she had found Jeffrey's myspace.

“that's great” I typed. “how long did it take and to what measures did you go”
“i just looked up his name, whore”
“uhuh. after all this time liking him, you wandered over to myspace today”
“shut up!!!!”

I suddenly didn't feel like pestering her anymore, so I exed the window and went to check my email. Livejournal comment, nothing else...

“ok ok paulina gave it” popped up.

“not surprised”

“i told her and she said she knew him so yeah
but guess waht
*what”

“...what”

“he is single, and he actually likes cartoons
i thought he did cuz he had futurama stickers”

“uhuh?”

“and he loves stephen colbert
and and and he wants to be a bio engineer.
HAWT.”

Before I knew I would do it, I cackled in amazement for how simple her love-life was and fell back in the chair. This would've been something I was saying last year.

“and omg guess what, my crush cuts up his face! kind of like edward scissorhands! woo!” I almost wanted to type.

“so when should I expect the baby”

“hmmm... next year”

“won't that interfere with your studies?”

“we can handle it”


....Had this been any other night, the conversation would've continued humorously for a while. I felt blank inside, though. A question came to me that I felt like asking even if I didn't care much one way or the other.

“... so are you friending him/talking to him now?”

“no!! why would i do that
he doesnt know me”

“great question”

“.....”

“maybe you should just talk to him tomorrow”

“i dont know we're doing a lab”

“ok then the next day”

“maybe”

“you know eventually you will. tomorrow or next month, its the same thing”

“i know!!! i'm just nervous ok”
besides its not the same thing
i need time to prepare”
“prepare for what? him to see your best most poised, beautiful, amazing side first? if you plan to date him, he's going to learn more about you than that. might as well be true and candid.”

“uuhuh.”

Maybe I should have left it where it was.

APHGH! I jumped as the phone next to me rang at top volume. My heart instantaneously started beating hard, like it was bolting about inside my chest. I paused and watched the little blue light flash, raising my hand for it. When it was far enough in the melody to where I might want to check before it went to voicemail, I took a look. Fhahd-flkjs;lkd- alksd;l. Just Giry. I flung it open in relief.

“Hello?”
“Hey, kiddo.” Ahhh the sound of 'kiddo'.
“...My visitors just left. I just wanted to call and make sure... you know, everything's fine. You seemed really uneasy.”
“It is-”
“I got your text beforehand... y-you were with Erik?”
“Y-yeah.”

She was awkwardly silent.

“Look... I'll tell you about it another time... I want to talk to you about it, really.-”
“That's okay-”
“I just need to grasp it myself.”
“It's okay, hun, IIIII get it,” she reassured.
“...Thanks. And thanks for calling.”
“Of course.”

Silence, again.

“Meg and I are going to watch a movie here tomorrow night. You should join us.”
“... Sure. ...What time?”
“Hmmm... about five?”
“...Unsure?”
“Well she's coming over right after school to pass the time. But I don't know if you're busy... Plus... I have... some other housemates that will still be here at that time before they're out to dinner.”

How cute, she still thought her parents would spoil the mood of the roleplay.

“I should probably try to do my homework at some point. Five it is.”
“That's a great idea” she laughed.
“See you.”
“Okay, good night.”
“Night.”

I looked back to Meg and she had put up an away message to go play Final Fantasy.



- - -

“Lily, you're not talking much today,” Mariam muttered while picking apart her sandwich. I was sitting at the opposite end of the couch in the choir room with my chin in my hand, staring into the glossed floor boards, nicked from years and years of rolling television screens, rowdy male actors, and the improvisation unit. My eyes gradually wandered their way to her face.

“Why do you always act like I need to be talking?”
“I'm not! Wh at're you thinking about, is all?” See, this was my day in a nutshell. People acting like I'm a basketcase.
“I don't know. ... I'm failing math?”
“Lilyyyy.”
“Whaaaat?”
“We promised each other we wouldn't let ourselves fail math this year. College, remember?”
“I can bring it up... It's just 56%. I'll stay after and get help.” Her pause confirmed that the effort I put into sounding like I meant it was lacking.
“O-kay...”
“...What?”
“Nothing.”
“What.”
“... I don't know... I guess I just.. wonder if you have time...”
“Believe me. I have plenty of time. Plenty. Lots.”
“Okay!”
“You still think that he's trying to control my life, don't you?”
“No.” She answered abruptly.

It didn't seem worthwhile to say anything else.

“Can we please not get in a fight? I wasn't implying anything.”
“Okay, sorry.”

- - -

At the beginning of the day, I told myself that when I came home, I'd put my homework on the counter and actually get something done before five. But by the last ten minutes of sixth period, I really doubted that I would make it. I'd spent all seven hours there or so acting like a zombie. Barely paying attention all. To anything. To the people around me, to all the sound, to even the sound of my name... to Meg several times in the hallway. I had had days like this before, over various things, so no one much talked about my behavior other than my own best friend who had the nerve to pick at me in such a way.

But I wanted to do what I had earlier scolded myself over. I just wanted to escape into a movie or a book. Then I wanted to walk to Giry's and feel happy to be with my friends. Was that so much to ask? It could happen without conflict, I'm sure.

I reached the front doors to leave for home and my eye caught a black umbrella, something I understood immediately and reacted to by slipping away from the illuminated glass. My emotional reaction was something I could not explain. I returned to the hall and kept going, approaching the drama department, running the question over in my head about why he could have the nerve to follow me. He had said, not with implications, but blunt as always that he had no intention to fix the problem. He was simply there to be there and to get a piece of me when he didn't deserve it.

It was a hopeless effort to try a different door. This path from the choir room spilled right into the road, nothing hiding me from a simple glance of his to the right, even if I leaned in towards the draping tree branches. But I hurried downhill, nonetheless, because it was all that I could do. I supposed if I was fast enough, he wouldn't be able to catch up before I was heading into my driveway. Hurry hurry hurry... I tried to, the road was just a little too wet. The sound of a car approaching stopped abruptly and a door slammed. Shit. He was behind me.

"Are you done being upset for us?"

I said nothing and continued to walk, refusing to even give away any emotional response to seeing him again or hearing that incredulous, objective question. But no matter how I tried to make my journey home, he persisted in the corner of my eye.

"This has nothing to do with you, anyway."

And now he was lying.

I accelerated my pace even further and he noticed. I felt a gentle hand, which had many times before held some paper-thin metal end, try to enclose my dangling arm, but I cut my path far enough away from him to disrupt the contact.

"I never thought I'd say this," He started. I could see my house now, that's all I had to worry about getting to. "But it's exhilarating to see you so concerned about me."

Ohooooh.

"It's not you that I'm concerned about, really."

"Concerned about yourself... " At least he understood some part of this situation. "That's just as exciting. It means you finally see how easily it is for other people to harm you." He mentioned it like it was a good thing that people could harm me.

"Yes, that is exactly it. Now please leave me alone."

"But don't you see? You have already changed since I first met you. You're losing your arrogant little mindset. You know I'm stronger than you. You find out things about people, ugly things, things that you've never had to deal with, that you don't understand... yet, and you realize how small you are, and that makes you scared: scared people like me would hurt you. Well I never would."

I turned into my walkway and hurried towards the door. When I opened it, I made sure to slam it behind me without looking.


---

His self-assured little speech was just another thing disrupting my mind.
Was he right?
There are right ways to be right, and wrong ways.
If that makes any sense.

- - -

I expected that by the time I was at Giry's house that this weight on my shoulders would just go away for a while, but nothing made any difference at first. I walked on in and she lead me to the living room, a nice little place I hadn't seen before. Meg was jumping on the couch and Giry informed me that she'd been having far too many pixy sticks and was excited because we were watching both the Shrek movies. That sounded good, I guess. I wandered over to the arm chair and had a few smarties from the bowl on the coffee table myself, recognizing it as left over Halloween candy.

The movie watching itself isn't much to mention. Nothing worth noting happened until Giry let us get up during the last scenes of the first and get drinks. I sat at the bar and had Meg do the searching through their fridge for me when she revealed a vodka bottle in a dramatic pose and set it on the counter. Giry laughed hysterically seeing such an item in her tiny innocent-enough looking hands. Without any verbal agreement to the proposal, we all just sorta gathered around the kitchen and made our own drinks with it. Giry wanted one, Meg wanted one, and maybe they were surprised without saying so that I wanted one too, but there it was in my hands, mixed by yours truly, condensation glistening under my fingertips as we sat on the deck and watched the sky darken. Or, maybe I was the only one watching the sky, but I tried not to get preoccupied with my thoughts too much.

We were distracted enough picking on Meg for liking Jeffrey Vanhorn, anyway, whose full name I shouted when we were outside three times before I was tackled.

And this... this screwdriver, they call it. Stuff started to matter less and less the same way the glass got emptier. I was a light-weight for any alcoholic, sugary, or caffeinated substance. I swear I didn't feel impaired. I just felt so light... like the air was swaying me. We could have fun! I thought. The night didn't seem like something that could end until we wanted it to. And my goal, consequences nonexistent, was to find Jeffrey and make Meg give him a lapdance. Before we knew it, Giry and I were describing, in unnecessary detail, what Mr. and Mrs. Vanhorn would do at their honeymoon on the coasts of Jamaica, which at that time was the funniest word ever.

The whole time, Shrek, Donkey and Fiona's voices emanated from the living room.

They didn't seem to notice that I refilled my drink, just that it was really funny seeing me so off balance and amused with the world. I liked it, actually. Under the influence, the fact that I was failing math... well who gave a fuck, I did not even remember that there was such thing as school. And the Phantom? He was just emo and annoying. Ohhhh forget it! Forget caring, the most important thing was making myself laugh. We played Twister and Giry almost broke my ankle by falling on it during her quest for the green dot. Even that was funny.

Everything was so funny that the room was spinning.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~



Also, another preview of the picture I'm working on.

And Kate has been nice enough to read HT herself and has enjoyed it so far. I'm always happy when she gives me the green light on my work. So far, she's liked SELS, Tilly & Jo, S.S. Flavion, and this. The comment sticking with me most is that she's unsure whether or not she likes the Phantom. I'm glad that he can invoke different feelings in readers instead of just being everybody's dream man.

Also, I asked her if she could help me with soundtrack additions.
Although soundtrack just means songs that I'm inspired by and think about using for a movie. Nothing certain.

She suggested a few:
Strange & Beautiful by Aqualung (great start, fell flat, but still good)
Something to Believe In by Aqualung (empty lyrics, but very catchy sound)
#1 Crush by Garbage (haunting, instantly liked, but I might not use it)
Run by AIR (creepy, but again, I might not)

I also had a few myself, somewhat odd things for me to take a liking to.

Waking Up Beside You by Stabbing Westward
So Far Away by Stabbing Westward

And the already established

Creep by Radiohead
End It On This by No Doubt
I'm With You by Avril Lavigne
Devour by Disturbed