I decided that the one-shot will probably take four parts instead of three. And who knows! It may be 30 pages or more. I guess I didn't realize how much time I was going to spend on different scenes, but when I think about it I can see how this idea would be lengthier than one about Hare just chasing Hatter around for some sex. XD
Anyway, this second part is surely twice as good as the last. I just started getting really into it. It was honestly much fun making Hatter go around being nervous/enthusiastic about Alice, even if I'm not into this pairing. Hatter's wooing attempts (which'll just get worse) are funny. But soon, somebody else'll be wooing, so stay tuned!
Not writing He's There. I know! I'm waiting for the right night to come to just... go. Like a jet-pack. 2 chapters. SHHHHWHWHH. I need to remind myself to be patient... with myself. ;)
A Hatter's Obligation
A One-shot by Yours Truly
It was the next day and Alice was on the floor of the courtyard, fanning Rabbit with a garden catalog. Her nervous hand laid around the bunny's head as he sprawled lifelessly, eyes rolled back and fingers still tightened around a rose clipper. The Queen had heard the thud and came swishing in with familiar red garb, seemingly pissed that Rabbit had made racket, rather than concerned that he was hurt.
She squinted at his attendant and cut to the chase. "Who are you?"
Alice looked up. "Oh God." She stopped swatting and dropped the catalog, immediately getting to her feet and sort of curtsying. "Hi, Your Majesty! Um... I'm. I'm Alice!" The Queen thought about it a moment.
"Alice who!"
"Alice... the one who visited here a long time ago?" She looked a little pained. The awkwardness of having to explain this to everyone was getting to her. The Queen repeated the question to herself only by moving her lips and staring off in the distance. When she looked back at her, her previous hostility ceased.
"Really?!..." She shouted, hand on her chest. Alice nodded, very very slowly. "OooOOOOOOOO!!!! I thought you were gone forever!" She picked up her dress and came nearly charging for Alice, who tensed up a bit before she was bear-hugged, all the power of the Queen's boobs hitting her at once. She touched her hands on her shoulders and smiled to the air.
When the Queen retracted, she inspected her up and down.
"Well well wellll! You got the whole package, didn't you!"
"...Excuse me?"
"The men must be climbing on top each other!" She leaned into Alice with her side and chuckled.
"Ohhh! No..."
"Do you have a boyfriend?!"
Alice's eyes widened. "No."
"OH! This is so exciting!" She chirped, ignoring her answer and swishing her hands around. Her arm landed heavily around Alice's shoulder. "Come now! We've got years to catch up on with some tea!" As they neared the thrown room, Alice resisted.
"Wait a minute, your Majesty!"
"Hm?"
She looked back on the fainted bunny with her teeth clenched. The Queen leaned forward to see around Alice with an indeterminable look on her face.
"He couldn't handle the news, I guess..." Alice trailed.
"No matter. I'll go get the smelling salts." They nodded to each other and entered the palace.
A half hour later they were giggling like old friends, now with a whole new world of subjects that were never appropriate back in Alice's prepubescence. "YOU DATED MR. WALRUS?!!!"
"Sh Sh Sh!" The Queen rose her finger to her lips, looked around, and leaned forward. "Nobody knew but Rabbit. About a year after you left... He started coming by more often because he landed a job as a contractor and I needed the east wing refurbished. Then I found out he knew his way around the kitchen too!" By then, Alice was just sitting there gaping at her in amusement.
"What happened?!"
"Welllll... We learned it was more of a physical relationship." The Queen looked off in thought. "A magnificent one, at that... But we just wanted two different things out of life. He still visits every now and then."
Alice's grin said it all.
When Rabbit made his rounds, he pulled a plate with tart crumbs from under Alice's nose and gave her a twitchy smile. "Thank you." He did the same for the Queen and bowed his way out before Alice called him back. "Mr. Rabbit! Why don't you come sit with us?"
Rabbit placed his hand on his chest as if to ask "who, me?" She nodded, then gripped the top of an adjacent chair and pulled it out with a screech.
"W-well, well, let me just put these dishes in the sink!" He rolled off excitedly and the two watched him. Suddenly they heard whistling. The Queen looked over and found Hatter strolling near, swaying his arms a little and not making direct eye-contact.
"Can we help you, Hatter?" She asked.
He suddenly looked surprised and hurried over. "Hi Your Majesty! ...Aliiiiice! You sure came bright and early! I mean, I had no idea you were going to be here!"
"Hi Mr. Hatter!" She laughed a little timidly.
"You've met already?!" The Queen suddenly stood. "How long have you been keeping this from me?!"
"Oh, no! I only returned last night! I was lost in the forest at sundown and they had me for tea." Hatter hovered around next to her and nodded with a peachy grin.
"Mhm. Mhm. And might I say... it was one of my favorite tea parties in quite a while." They all paused. "You guys busy?!"
"Oh, not at all!"
Just as Rabbit remade the scene, Hatter took a proud plop into the chair that had been waiting for him. He made his way over and crossed his arms, practically over Hatter's shoulder. "Do you mind?!"
Hatter turned his head. "Huh?"
"Well! This is getting a little bit too crowded for my tastes." The Queen set down her cup and eased out of the chair. "I've got some online shopping to do. Alice, would you like to join me?"
"Uhh... sure!" She replied. She stood up and so did Hatter, obstructing her path. They met eyes and she lightly chuckled, not sure she had ever seen such an expression on the man. "I won't miss tea, okay?" She reassured. He bit his lip, as he had been doing often the past 24 hours, and scrunched his shoulders with satisfaction.
"Allllright! See ya' later, alligator!" He shot his fingers at her as she passed him.
"Ohhhh, girl, you've got Victoria's Secret written all over you," the Queen chirped as they left the courtyard.
Rabbit turned towards Hatter with half-closed lids and raised an eyebrow, the side of his mouth slightly drooped.
"'See you lata~, alligata~?' Oh please."
Hatter tilted his head, frowned in the direction the ladies had departed, and walked away.
* * *
Not long after, Hatter was moseying his way through mushrooms towards the Caterpillar's reading place. He found him taking a cat nap with his lowest hands still holding a book. Not a ginger bone in his body, Hatter strode to a fitting seat and tried for his attention.
"Hey Caterpillar." Nothing. "Hey Caterpillar! ...Caterpillar!" The Caterpillar smacked his lips a little and rolled his head back to the other side. "Caterpillar! HEY!" He swatted his thorax with his hand and the subject to be waked did a whole bunch of snorting and looked down with his eyes cracked.
"Ohh, dear Lord..." He muttered.
"Caterpillar, I need your help. More than ever before! Even more than that time Hare's head was stuck in my Pasta Salad Tumbler."
The Caterpillar extended his hand to his eyes and rubbed out the sleep. "You know, when I die..." He trailed... "I hope you've all got your lives sorted out."
"Hardy har har."
"No, I'm rrrreally considering putting my library in the will."
Hatter sighed, already out of witty retorts, and stared down at his hands between his spread knees.
"Well, what is it?"
Hatter sighed. "It's embarrassing."
"Well you're obviously here to tell me, so by all means... embarrass yourself away." Hatter thought of how to word it, all the while fixing his hair behind his ear and otherwise adjusting himself past necessity.
"I think I've fallen mad for someone... Someone I never expected! Someone who was always there..."
The Caterpillar suddenly looked really annoyed.
"It couldn't have taken you that long," he interrupted.
Hatter's train of thought slowed. "...It couldn't?"
"Are you kidding me? We've pretty much known for years."
"Years?!" Hatter rose to a stiff posture. "I hadn't seen her until yesterday!"
"Her?" Hatter's brow fell impatiently. The Caterpillar coughed. "Oh, excuse me. I think I imagined someone different." Hatter's lips tightened. "Please, explain."
At Caterpillar's request, he dropped back onto the mushroom and watched the clouds in the blue sky, never realizing their beauty until then.
"It's just... it's just... When she looks at me," he dramatically cooed, "I lose all track of time." Both considered it. "M-more than usual, I mean. I mean usually I'm two hours off, but with her.... ohhh... with her, most certainly three... And I get this weird feeling in my pants-"
"-Okay, uhm..." Caterpillar raised his hand. "So... are you saying... you're in love with said gi~rl?"
Hatter shot up. "I never thought of it like that before, but maybe!" He paused. "It MUST be! I mean all the signs are there... She's beautiful... She... may be smart. She may be funny. But sooo beautiful! S-she's just got these eyes that just... and this hair! We're both blonds!" Hatter leaned forward and curled some of his hair in his fingers, desperate to make the point. A second later, he slumped down again. "It's just... I worry she won't think we should see each other.. And that everybody else will have a problem with it..."
The Caterpillar let the air sift in through his teeth and darted his eyes around. "Don't you think there's something ellllse that you might be forgetting?"
"...Like what?"
"Well... It's just... Nobody... thought you were up on the market anymore, um..."
"..."
"M-Maybe there's someone you need to discuss this with before you follow through with it."
"YOU MEAN I SHOULD?!"
"I-I didn't say that."
"Oh..." Hatter blinked a few times and looked up. "So do you have a book on this?"
"Uhhh, no. But I can say you just might want to weigh your options a little... If you rrrreally care about her, I think it is important to be honest. Just remember that everyone deserves honesty, not just one or two."
"Right! Okay! I can do that! Ohhhh Caterpillar... It was gonna drive me nuts keeping this in! Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've gotta prepare for the tea party! To think, Alice'll know the truth in no time!"
Suddenly he was up and off, leaving behind his advisor, whose eyes were the size of dinner plates.
* * *
With head downcast, Hare appeared in the door frame, donned in a cute yellow button-down and khaki shorts, with a tray of lemonade and fun cartoon-sun cups. He set it on the porch table and watched Hatter scouting the area to decide on the right dimensions of the rock garden. He was doing it with about twice as much energy as usual. He was about to leave the refreshing drink there and go back into the house when his companion called for him.
"Hey Hare! Get over here! This is your yard!" Hare sighed with his back turned, then put on a smile and walked out. "...You feeling sick, buddy?"
Hare chuckled insincerely. "Nooo..."
"Good, because this is gonna take a lot of work. I don't think we'll be able to do it without the power of song, frankly." He nodded. Hare smiled down at his gardening boots. "Did you catch the finale, finally?"
Hare took some delight in Hatter remembering. "Yeah! Completely epic," he assured, swatting his hand. Hatter grinned ear-to-ear with his chin over his hands on a shovel.
The Rock Garden wasn't much looking like itself for a while, but after much sweat (and a few tears), it was finally recognizable and the singing and dancing commenced. They went all out, swaying around the yard and bumping asses. To make matters worse, it was disco.
Ha ha ha haa
placin' the rocks, placin' the rocks,
Ha ha ha haa
rakin' the sand, rakin' the sand,
HaaaaaaaaaaAaaaaaaaaAAaAaaaahh Aaaaahhhh....
Just as the disco ball came down from seemingly nowhere, they found visitors at the fence, making no attempt to hide their amusement. The music came to a wrap when Hatter and Hare looked to the direction of the laughter and found the Tweedles and Alice catching the show. Hatter backed up into the porch where he was unseen, overcome by embarrassment. Hare just sighed and came towards the house.
"I'll go let them inside."
"No!" Hatter plead. "At least let me clean up first!"
"Clean up?! We're only half done!"
"I-I know, but I don't want Alice to see me like this!"
"We've been hard at work! She'll understand!"
"No no. Just- I-I'm gonna go to the john. Tell them I'll be out in no time."
Hare walked off rolling his eyes and opened the door. When he invited them in, they crowded in the kitchen and Hare offered to make them lunch, but suddenly everyone heard the shower go off. They were wondering, but nobody mentioned it and continued to concoct sandwiches with the stuff in Hare's fridge. Everyone finished 20 minutes later, except Hare, who stayed far from the food and kept glancing at the bathroom door.
After the sound of a blow-drier and some shuffling, Hatter emerged from the house to find the group lounging on the patio furniture. Alice was seated, in his eyes perfectly, on Hare's bright orange rocker, sipping from a lemonade with two straws. Hare just gawked at him, having come out impeccably when his partner-in-rock-garden was still wearing sweaty work clothes. "Hey guys! Hey...Alice!"
Alice fluttered her fingers, a little unsure which observations to verbalize. "All done out there?" She tried.
"Oh, uhhh..." He looked to Hare, who slowly shook his head. "Not quite. But you know... I'm a man of cleanliness." The Tweedles raised their eyebrows. Hatter looked down to some empty plates. "You guys eat or something?"
"Yeah, we made sandwiches. Are you hungry? I'll make us some."
"Uhhh..." Hatter looked to Alice like he wasn't sure if he wanted the distraction. Alice piped up.
"You should've seen Hare! Just waiting for you." Hare looked off in another direction and smiled uncomfortably when Alice stood up. "How about I go make them for you and you just rest? It's the least I could do." She smiled at both of them, but Hatter took it as something more than it was. After she walked into the house, he cracked.
"You guys, I think now is the perfect time!"
"Perfect time for what?" Dee asked. Hatter made sure the sliding glass door was shut all the way.
"I'm gonna ask her to be my special someone!" Hatter declared. Rather than any type of enthusiasm, everyone ran silent.
"You know who that is, right?"
"I couldn't know her better," he replied, surely.
"But Hatter, I thought we'd been through this-" Hare tried.
"I know, I know. And I've thought about it harder than I've ever used my brain for anything. I-I know that we knew her as a child for a very long time, and I know she might not think of me that way, but... She's just so attractive I know it's supposed to work!"
Hare's jaw dropped.
"She's gonna be out here any minute. Can you guys just... just go inside and not come out? We need to be alone."
"Well yeah, but..." Dum tried, while Dee scratched his neck a little. Hare was completely speechless.
As if Alice had moved about the kitchen fast as lightning, she returned cheerily with two ham and cheese sandwiches. Hare took it with not much expression in his face and turned for the door, with the Tweedles following him. Once Alice had handed Hatter his, she turned around and found them alone.
"Where'd they go?"
"Ohhh... something about Hare needing help with his toaster oven... Hey let's go get some sun!" He pointed to a picnic table Hare had in the corner of the yard and lead her to it, hands cupped.
"Man... I've missed this..." Alice remarked.
"Hm?" When she sat on the bench, Hatter took the same side, smiling while turned towards her.
"Nice weather year round. It's like Cali but not grueling."
"Hehh, welllll... it's been a little cooler than usual lately, what with Christmas on its way. But no snow!" He smacked his lips. "Snow was a one time thing..." She looked sad because of that. "Must've been you."
"Oh! No... Couldn't be."
"Could too!" Hatter argued. A breeze ran through their hair as the conversation died. "So... everything okay back at home?"
"Oh yeah... Well... I'm not at home anymore... I live in an apartment with some friends. For school." Hatter nodded. "I don't really know them that well, though... It gets pretty lonely."
"I can imagine. Ever thought of living in Wonderland permanently?"
Alice looked taken aback. "No... I mean! ...Yeah... Probably not. It's not really... what I was looking for. Why do you ask?"
Hatter froze. He wet his lip and kept a steady gaze on her. Eventually she tilted her head just a little, wondering if he intended to answer her question.
Suddenly he slapped his hand down on hers, which had laid on the table next to his plate. She looked down confusedly.
"Alice, I love you." Her perplexed focus rose to his face. "I can't live without you." She went with her first candid response.
"Very funny."
"No! It's not funny at all! I mean... All these years I know I've been kind of an uncle figure to you... But now it's different. I just... I want you to see things differently!"
"Differently? I guess I've... never thought about it before..."
"Don't think. Just do what comes natural."
Alice thought about it a moment, removing her hand from under his and rising several inches. Hatter anticipated the kiss with puckered lips but instead she stepped away from the table and started dancing.
"I had fun making lunch for you and Hare~
I'm so glad that I could be here to share~"
Hatter tucked in his lips and sat there watching, baffled.
"The rock garden's really coming along~
It's been a while since I had to make up a song~
That's okayyyy, hey hey hey~
You're like family, that's a-okay~"
Hatter stood up and chimed in.
"But Alice, I'm ready to take the next step~
Because of your boobs, I'm not emotionally inept~"
Suddenly what cheery background music there had been came to a halt. Alice, out of instinct, slapped him clear across the face. "Are you coming on to me?!" She asked, having no reservation of voice.
Hatter sighed raggedly. "If you're going to make it difficult, YES." She blinked a whole mess of times. "How about we go back to my place?-" Before he could end his sentence with a doofy grin, he was slapped again.
"I can't believe you!"
"...Why not?"
"I-I-It's not like that at all, seriously! Mr. Hatter... I mean for God's sake, I've known you since I was 11! I...I thought you were my safety net!"
"I can still be your safety net?"
"Okay... you are not understanding the dynamic of our relationship. I knew. You. As. A. Child," she pronounced carefully.
"But you're not anymore! There's a whole new world of possibilities! I mean seeing you as a woman... It's... It's made me reach some new kind of sexual epiphany," he explained, hands out like an answer from the universe had just landed in them. "Which I know you'd think would've come along much sooner in my life, but this must've been destiny. I was saving myself for you."
"You can't be serious."
"But I am! Haven't you noticed we're highly compatible?! We're both blond, we're both beautiful, let's make some babies!" It sounded as if Hatter was a child repeating inappropriate things he had heard on television. At this point, Alice had her hand on her forehead and was walking away. To her dismay, two faces were pressed up against the glass. She opened the door and the Tweedles tumbled over as she passed the area.
"Tell Hare thanks," she said, voice a bit shaky. Dee and Dum grimaced as the front door slammed.
* * *
"Even I know my boundaries, Hatter," Hare said, twirling the phone cord in his fingers and looking over to a picture of them together as he sprawled his bed.
Hatter was back at home, ruminating over the rejection and sipping at some Earl Grey when he had called him with the nerve to explain.
"But... she got hot," he reminded him, like it might somehow all come together by the third or forth time.
"But... but so what?!" Hare asked, raising his voice impatiently.
"...So I'm lonely?"
Suddenly Hare rose to his knees and put a hand on his hip. "How in the hell are you lonely?! What?! I'm not good enough for you?!" Hatter went quiet, surprised Hare had gotten so defensive. "You're not... handsome enough?! You could have anyone in the world and you pick Alice?!"
"She seemed easy."
"...Did I come off difficult?" A cautious voice queried.
"What?"
He didn't confirm right away, but finally... "You heard what I said."
"Well no... I've pretty much always known you'd fall right into my arms within the second I asked you to."
"Well-"
"B-but I'm still in the closet!"
"Oh, HATTER!" Hare chided. "If you think nobody knows you're in there-"
"But I have to be! To fulfill my obligations!"
"What obligations!"
"It's complicated." Hare clenched his teeth, and Hatter could sense his frustration. "It's something all mad hatters have to deal with and you, as a march hare, just wouldn't understand."
"You're not making any sense."
"But Hare... don't you see? The truth is that it doesn't. Fate just doesn't make sense. Sometimes people fall in love against all offending logic. And I believe that is what is happening to me. So see, it has nothing to do with my feelings for you."
Hare squinted one of his eyes a little and put on an unflattering face as he thought this one out, not really understanding it any better but wanting to clarify his own self-interests.
"Does that mean you've at least thought about it?"
"...Are you kidding me?" Hare hoped his silence meant 'no'. "Really?!"
"YES!"
"Oh! Of COURSE! Every day! If it were up to me, we'd be on. Gettin' lewd with the food, shower nozzles..." Hare gaped down to his comforter, clinging to it just a little. "You'd be seeing God." He looked up to the ceiling with his mouth still dropping.
"O-o-okay," Hare answered weakly. "Well. I... I'm glad we... cleared that up."
"Heh, no problem, Hare... I just don't know what I'm going to do from here."
"Me neither..." He took a deep breath. "Well it's getting late. I'd better go."
"Okay. Night Buddy."
Hare slid the phone away from his ear and pressed "off", then proceeded to the bathroom to "read some comic books."
Favorite Quote(s)
Anyway, this second part is surely twice as good as the last. I just started getting really into it. It was honestly much fun making Hatter go around being nervous/enthusiastic about Alice, even if I'm not into this pairing. Hatter's wooing attempts (which'll just get worse) are funny. But soon, somebody else'll be wooing, so stay tuned!
Not writing He's There. I know! I'm waiting for the right night to come to just... go. Like a jet-pack. 2 chapters. SHHHHWHWHH. I need to remind myself to be patient... with myself. ;)
A Hatter's Obligation
A One-shot by Yours Truly
It was the next day and Alice was on the floor of the courtyard, fanning Rabbit with a garden catalog. Her nervous hand laid around the bunny's head as he sprawled lifelessly, eyes rolled back and fingers still tightened around a rose clipper. The Queen had heard the thud and came swishing in with familiar red garb, seemingly pissed that Rabbit had made racket, rather than concerned that he was hurt.
She squinted at his attendant and cut to the chase. "Who are you?"
Alice looked up. "Oh God." She stopped swatting and dropped the catalog, immediately getting to her feet and sort of curtsying. "Hi, Your Majesty! Um... I'm. I'm Alice!" The Queen thought about it a moment.
"Alice who!"
"Alice... the one who visited here a long time ago?" She looked a little pained. The awkwardness of having to explain this to everyone was getting to her. The Queen repeated the question to herself only by moving her lips and staring off in the distance. When she looked back at her, her previous hostility ceased.
"Really?!..." She shouted, hand on her chest. Alice nodded, very very slowly. "OooOOOOOOOO!!!! I thought you were gone forever!" She picked up her dress and came nearly charging for Alice, who tensed up a bit before she was bear-hugged, all the power of the Queen's boobs hitting her at once. She touched her hands on her shoulders and smiled to the air.
When the Queen retracted, she inspected her up and down.
"Well well wellll! You got the whole package, didn't you!"
"...Excuse me?"
"The men must be climbing on top each other!" She leaned into Alice with her side and chuckled.
"Ohhh! No..."
"Do you have a boyfriend?!"
Alice's eyes widened. "No."
"OH! This is so exciting!" She chirped, ignoring her answer and swishing her hands around. Her arm landed heavily around Alice's shoulder. "Come now! We've got years to catch up on with some tea!" As they neared the thrown room, Alice resisted.
"Wait a minute, your Majesty!"
"Hm?"
She looked back on the fainted bunny with her teeth clenched. The Queen leaned forward to see around Alice with an indeterminable look on her face.
"He couldn't handle the news, I guess..." Alice trailed.
"No matter. I'll go get the smelling salts." They nodded to each other and entered the palace.
A half hour later they were giggling like old friends, now with a whole new world of subjects that were never appropriate back in Alice's prepubescence. "YOU DATED MR. WALRUS?!!!"
"Sh Sh Sh!" The Queen rose her finger to her lips, looked around, and leaned forward. "Nobody knew but Rabbit. About a year after you left... He started coming by more often because he landed a job as a contractor and I needed the east wing refurbished. Then I found out he knew his way around the kitchen too!" By then, Alice was just sitting there gaping at her in amusement.
"What happened?!"
"Welllll... We learned it was more of a physical relationship." The Queen looked off in thought. "A magnificent one, at that... But we just wanted two different things out of life. He still visits every now and then."
Alice's grin said it all.
When Rabbit made his rounds, he pulled a plate with tart crumbs from under Alice's nose and gave her a twitchy smile. "Thank you." He did the same for the Queen and bowed his way out before Alice called him back. "Mr. Rabbit! Why don't you come sit with us?"
Rabbit placed his hand on his chest as if to ask "who, me?" She nodded, then gripped the top of an adjacent chair and pulled it out with a screech.
"W-well, well, let me just put these dishes in the sink!" He rolled off excitedly and the two watched him. Suddenly they heard whistling. The Queen looked over and found Hatter strolling near, swaying his arms a little and not making direct eye-contact.
"Can we help you, Hatter?" She asked.
He suddenly looked surprised and hurried over. "Hi Your Majesty! ...Aliiiiice! You sure came bright and early! I mean, I had no idea you were going to be here!"
"Hi Mr. Hatter!" She laughed a little timidly.
"You've met already?!" The Queen suddenly stood. "How long have you been keeping this from me?!"
"Oh, no! I only returned last night! I was lost in the forest at sundown and they had me for tea." Hatter hovered around next to her and nodded with a peachy grin.
"Mhm. Mhm. And might I say... it was one of my favorite tea parties in quite a while." They all paused. "You guys busy?!"
"Oh, not at all!"
Just as Rabbit remade the scene, Hatter took a proud plop into the chair that had been waiting for him. He made his way over and crossed his arms, practically over Hatter's shoulder. "Do you mind?!"
Hatter turned his head. "Huh?"
"Well! This is getting a little bit too crowded for my tastes." The Queen set down her cup and eased out of the chair. "I've got some online shopping to do. Alice, would you like to join me?"
"Uhh... sure!" She replied. She stood up and so did Hatter, obstructing her path. They met eyes and she lightly chuckled, not sure she had ever seen such an expression on the man. "I won't miss tea, okay?" She reassured. He bit his lip, as he had been doing often the past 24 hours, and scrunched his shoulders with satisfaction.
"Allllright! See ya' later, alligator!" He shot his fingers at her as she passed him.
"Ohhhh, girl, you've got Victoria's Secret written all over you," the Queen chirped as they left the courtyard.
Rabbit turned towards Hatter with half-closed lids and raised an eyebrow, the side of his mouth slightly drooped.
"'See you lata~, alligata~?' Oh please."
Hatter tilted his head, frowned in the direction the ladies had departed, and walked away.
* * *
Not long after, Hatter was moseying his way through mushrooms towards the Caterpillar's reading place. He found him taking a cat nap with his lowest hands still holding a book. Not a ginger bone in his body, Hatter strode to a fitting seat and tried for his attention.
"Hey Caterpillar." Nothing. "Hey Caterpillar! ...Caterpillar!" The Caterpillar smacked his lips a little and rolled his head back to the other side. "Caterpillar! HEY!" He swatted his thorax with his hand and the subject to be waked did a whole bunch of snorting and looked down with his eyes cracked.
"Ohh, dear Lord..." He muttered.
"Caterpillar, I need your help. More than ever before! Even more than that time Hare's head was stuck in my Pasta Salad Tumbler."
The Caterpillar extended his hand to his eyes and rubbed out the sleep. "You know, when I die..." He trailed... "I hope you've all got your lives sorted out."
"Hardy har har."
"No, I'm rrrreally considering putting my library in the will."
Hatter sighed, already out of witty retorts, and stared down at his hands between his spread knees.
"Well, what is it?"
Hatter sighed. "It's embarrassing."
"Well you're obviously here to tell me, so by all means... embarrass yourself away." Hatter thought of how to word it, all the while fixing his hair behind his ear and otherwise adjusting himself past necessity.
"I think I've fallen mad for someone... Someone I never expected! Someone who was always there..."
The Caterpillar suddenly looked really annoyed.
"It couldn't have taken you that long," he interrupted.
Hatter's train of thought slowed. "...It couldn't?"
"Are you kidding me? We've pretty much known for years."
"Years?!" Hatter rose to a stiff posture. "I hadn't seen her until yesterday!"
"Her?" Hatter's brow fell impatiently. The Caterpillar coughed. "Oh, excuse me. I think I imagined someone different." Hatter's lips tightened. "Please, explain."
At Caterpillar's request, he dropped back onto the mushroom and watched the clouds in the blue sky, never realizing their beauty until then.
"It's just... it's just... When she looks at me," he dramatically cooed, "I lose all track of time." Both considered it. "M-more than usual, I mean. I mean usually I'm two hours off, but with her.... ohhh... with her, most certainly three... And I get this weird feeling in my pants-"
"-Okay, uhm..." Caterpillar raised his hand. "So... are you saying... you're in love with said gi~rl?"
Hatter shot up. "I never thought of it like that before, but maybe!" He paused. "It MUST be! I mean all the signs are there... She's beautiful... She... may be smart. She may be funny. But sooo beautiful! S-she's just got these eyes that just... and this hair! We're both blonds!" Hatter leaned forward and curled some of his hair in his fingers, desperate to make the point. A second later, he slumped down again. "It's just... I worry she won't think we should see each other.. And that everybody else will have a problem with it..."
The Caterpillar let the air sift in through his teeth and darted his eyes around. "Don't you think there's something ellllse that you might be forgetting?"
"...Like what?"
"Well... It's just... Nobody... thought you were up on the market anymore, um..."
"..."
"M-Maybe there's someone you need to discuss this with before you follow through with it."
"YOU MEAN I SHOULD?!"
"I-I didn't say that."
"Oh..." Hatter blinked a few times and looked up. "So do you have a book on this?"
"Uhhh, no. But I can say you just might want to weigh your options a little... If you rrrreally care about her, I think it is important to be honest. Just remember that everyone deserves honesty, not just one or two."
"Right! Okay! I can do that! Ohhhh Caterpillar... It was gonna drive me nuts keeping this in! Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've gotta prepare for the tea party! To think, Alice'll know the truth in no time!"
Suddenly he was up and off, leaving behind his advisor, whose eyes were the size of dinner plates.
* * *
With head downcast, Hare appeared in the door frame, donned in a cute yellow button-down and khaki shorts, with a tray of lemonade and fun cartoon-sun cups. He set it on the porch table and watched Hatter scouting the area to decide on the right dimensions of the rock garden. He was doing it with about twice as much energy as usual. He was about to leave the refreshing drink there and go back into the house when his companion called for him.
"Hey Hare! Get over here! This is your yard!" Hare sighed with his back turned, then put on a smile and walked out. "...You feeling sick, buddy?"
Hare chuckled insincerely. "Nooo..."
"Good, because this is gonna take a lot of work. I don't think we'll be able to do it without the power of song, frankly." He nodded. Hare smiled down at his gardening boots. "Did you catch the finale, finally?"
Hare took some delight in Hatter remembering. "Yeah! Completely epic," he assured, swatting his hand. Hatter grinned ear-to-ear with his chin over his hands on a shovel.
The Rock Garden wasn't much looking like itself for a while, but after much sweat (and a few tears), it was finally recognizable and the singing and dancing commenced. They went all out, swaying around the yard and bumping asses. To make matters worse, it was disco.
Ha ha ha haa
placin' the rocks, placin' the rocks,
Ha ha ha haa
rakin' the sand, rakin' the sand,
HaaaaaaaaaaAaaaaaaaaAAaAaaaahh Aaaaahhhh....
Just as the disco ball came down from seemingly nowhere, they found visitors at the fence, making no attempt to hide their amusement. The music came to a wrap when Hatter and Hare looked to the direction of the laughter and found the Tweedles and Alice catching the show. Hatter backed up into the porch where he was unseen, overcome by embarrassment. Hare just sighed and came towards the house.
"I'll go let them inside."
"No!" Hatter plead. "At least let me clean up first!"
"Clean up?! We're only half done!"
"I-I know, but I don't want Alice to see me like this!"
"We've been hard at work! She'll understand!"
"No no. Just- I-I'm gonna go to the john. Tell them I'll be out in no time."
Hare walked off rolling his eyes and opened the door. When he invited them in, they crowded in the kitchen and Hare offered to make them lunch, but suddenly everyone heard the shower go off. They were wondering, but nobody mentioned it and continued to concoct sandwiches with the stuff in Hare's fridge. Everyone finished 20 minutes later, except Hare, who stayed far from the food and kept glancing at the bathroom door.
After the sound of a blow-drier and some shuffling, Hatter emerged from the house to find the group lounging on the patio furniture. Alice was seated, in his eyes perfectly, on Hare's bright orange rocker, sipping from a lemonade with two straws. Hare just gawked at him, having come out impeccably when his partner-in-rock-garden was still wearing sweaty work clothes. "Hey guys! Hey...Alice!"
Alice fluttered her fingers, a little unsure which observations to verbalize. "All done out there?" She tried.
"Oh, uhhh..." He looked to Hare, who slowly shook his head. "Not quite. But you know... I'm a man of cleanliness." The Tweedles raised their eyebrows. Hatter looked down to some empty plates. "You guys eat or something?"
"Yeah, we made sandwiches. Are you hungry? I'll make us some."
"Uhhh..." Hatter looked to Alice like he wasn't sure if he wanted the distraction. Alice piped up.
"You should've seen Hare! Just waiting for you." Hare looked off in another direction and smiled uncomfortably when Alice stood up. "How about I go make them for you and you just rest? It's the least I could do." She smiled at both of them, but Hatter took it as something more than it was. After she walked into the house, he cracked.
"You guys, I think now is the perfect time!"
"Perfect time for what?" Dee asked. Hatter made sure the sliding glass door was shut all the way.
"I'm gonna ask her to be my special someone!" Hatter declared. Rather than any type of enthusiasm, everyone ran silent.
"You know who that is, right?"
"I couldn't know her better," he replied, surely.
"But Hatter, I thought we'd been through this-" Hare tried.
"I know, I know. And I've thought about it harder than I've ever used my brain for anything. I-I know that we knew her as a child for a very long time, and I know she might not think of me that way, but... She's just so attractive I know it's supposed to work!"
Hare's jaw dropped.
"She's gonna be out here any minute. Can you guys just... just go inside and not come out? We need to be alone."
"Well yeah, but..." Dum tried, while Dee scratched his neck a little. Hare was completely speechless.
As if Alice had moved about the kitchen fast as lightning, she returned cheerily with two ham and cheese sandwiches. Hare took it with not much expression in his face and turned for the door, with the Tweedles following him. Once Alice had handed Hatter his, she turned around and found them alone.
"Where'd they go?"
"Ohhh... something about Hare needing help with his toaster oven... Hey let's go get some sun!" He pointed to a picnic table Hare had in the corner of the yard and lead her to it, hands cupped.
"Man... I've missed this..." Alice remarked.
"Hm?" When she sat on the bench, Hatter took the same side, smiling while turned towards her.
"Nice weather year round. It's like Cali but not grueling."
"Hehh, welllll... it's been a little cooler than usual lately, what with Christmas on its way. But no snow!" He smacked his lips. "Snow was a one time thing..." She looked sad because of that. "Must've been you."
"Oh! No... Couldn't be."
"Could too!" Hatter argued. A breeze ran through their hair as the conversation died. "So... everything okay back at home?"
"Oh yeah... Well... I'm not at home anymore... I live in an apartment with some friends. For school." Hatter nodded. "I don't really know them that well, though... It gets pretty lonely."
"I can imagine. Ever thought of living in Wonderland permanently?"
Alice looked taken aback. "No... I mean! ...Yeah... Probably not. It's not really... what I was looking for. Why do you ask?"
Hatter froze. He wet his lip and kept a steady gaze on her. Eventually she tilted her head just a little, wondering if he intended to answer her question.
Suddenly he slapped his hand down on hers, which had laid on the table next to his plate. She looked down confusedly.
"Alice, I love you." Her perplexed focus rose to his face. "I can't live without you." She went with her first candid response.
"Very funny."
"No! It's not funny at all! I mean... All these years I know I've been kind of an uncle figure to you... But now it's different. I just... I want you to see things differently!"
"Differently? I guess I've... never thought about it before..."
"Don't think. Just do what comes natural."
Alice thought about it a moment, removing her hand from under his and rising several inches. Hatter anticipated the kiss with puckered lips but instead she stepped away from the table and started dancing.
"I had fun making lunch for you and Hare~
I'm so glad that I could be here to share~"
Hatter tucked in his lips and sat there watching, baffled.
"The rock garden's really coming along~
It's been a while since I had to make up a song~
That's okayyyy, hey hey hey~
You're like family, that's a-okay~"
Hatter stood up and chimed in.
"But Alice, I'm ready to take the next step~
Because of your boobs, I'm not emotionally inept~"
Suddenly what cheery background music there had been came to a halt. Alice, out of instinct, slapped him clear across the face. "Are you coming on to me?!" She asked, having no reservation of voice.
Hatter sighed raggedly. "If you're going to make it difficult, YES." She blinked a whole mess of times. "How about we go back to my place?-" Before he could end his sentence with a doofy grin, he was slapped again.
"I can't believe you!"
"...Why not?"
"I-I-It's not like that at all, seriously! Mr. Hatter... I mean for God's sake, I've known you since I was 11! I...I thought you were my safety net!"
"I can still be your safety net?"
"Okay... you are not understanding the dynamic of our relationship. I knew. You. As. A. Child," she pronounced carefully.
"But you're not anymore! There's a whole new world of possibilities! I mean seeing you as a woman... It's... It's made me reach some new kind of sexual epiphany," he explained, hands out like an answer from the universe had just landed in them. "Which I know you'd think would've come along much sooner in my life, but this must've been destiny. I was saving myself for you."
"You can't be serious."
"But I am! Haven't you noticed we're highly compatible?! We're both blond, we're both beautiful, let's make some babies!" It sounded as if Hatter was a child repeating inappropriate things he had heard on television. At this point, Alice had her hand on her forehead and was walking away. To her dismay, two faces were pressed up against the glass. She opened the door and the Tweedles tumbled over as she passed the area.
"Tell Hare thanks," she said, voice a bit shaky. Dee and Dum grimaced as the front door slammed.
* * *
"Even I know my boundaries, Hatter," Hare said, twirling the phone cord in his fingers and looking over to a picture of them together as he sprawled his bed.
Hatter was back at home, ruminating over the rejection and sipping at some Earl Grey when he had called him with the nerve to explain.
"But... she got hot," he reminded him, like it might somehow all come together by the third or forth time.
"But... but so what?!" Hare asked, raising his voice impatiently.
"...So I'm lonely?"
Suddenly Hare rose to his knees and put a hand on his hip. "How in the hell are you lonely?! What?! I'm not good enough for you?!" Hatter went quiet, surprised Hare had gotten so defensive. "You're not... handsome enough?! You could have anyone in the world and you pick Alice?!"
"She seemed easy."
"...Did I come off difficult?" A cautious voice queried.
"What?"
He didn't confirm right away, but finally... "You heard what I said."
"Well no... I've pretty much always known you'd fall right into my arms within the second I asked you to."
"Well-"
"B-but I'm still in the closet!"
"Oh, HATTER!" Hare chided. "If you think nobody knows you're in there-"
"But I have to be! To fulfill my obligations!"
"What obligations!"
"It's complicated." Hare clenched his teeth, and Hatter could sense his frustration. "It's something all mad hatters have to deal with and you, as a march hare, just wouldn't understand."
"You're not making any sense."
"But Hare... don't you see? The truth is that it doesn't. Fate just doesn't make sense. Sometimes people fall in love against all offending logic. And I believe that is what is happening to me. So see, it has nothing to do with my feelings for you."
Hare squinted one of his eyes a little and put on an unflattering face as he thought this one out, not really understanding it any better but wanting to clarify his own self-interests.
"Does that mean you've at least thought about it?"
"...Are you kidding me?" Hare hoped his silence meant 'no'. "Really?!"
"YES!"
"Oh! Of COURSE! Every day! If it were up to me, we'd be on. Gettin' lewd with the food, shower nozzles..." Hare gaped down to his comforter, clinging to it just a little. "You'd be seeing God." He looked up to the ceiling with his mouth still dropping.
"O-o-okay," Hare answered weakly. "Well. I... I'm glad we... cleared that up."
"Heh, no problem, Hare... I just don't know what I'm going to do from here."
"Me neither..." He took a deep breath. "Well it's getting late. I'd better go."
"Okay. Night Buddy."
Hare slid the phone away from his ear and pressed "off", then proceeded to the bathroom to "read some comic books."
"Hi Your Majesty! ...Aliiiiice! You sure came bright and early! I mean, I had no idea you were going to be here!"
"Caterpillar, I need your help. More than ever before! Even more than that time Hare's head was stuck in my Pasta Salad Tumbler."
The Caterpillar extended his hand to his eyes and rubbed out the sleep. "You know, when I die..." He trailed... "I hope you've all got your lives sorted out."
"It's just... it's just... When she looks at me," he dramatically cooed, "I lose all track of time." Both considered it. "M-more than usual, I mean. I mean usually I'm two hours off, but with her.... ohhh... with her, most certainly three..."
"...You feeling sick, buddy?"
Hare chuckled insincerely. "Nooo..."
"Good, because this is gonna take a lot of work. I don't think we'll be able to do it without the power of song, frankly."
"All done out there?" She tried.
"Oh, uhhh..." He looked to Hare, who slowly shook his head. "Not quite. But you know... I'm a man of cleanliness."
"Haven't you noticed we're highly compatible?! We're both blond, we're both beautiful, let's make some babies!"
"It's complicated." Hare clenched his teeth, and Hatter could sense his frustration. "It's something all mad hatters have to deal with and you, as a march hare, just wouldn't understand."
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