To be honest, I'm too lazy to make another picture post, for the suit jacket, right now. It's all I've been thinking about all week, and I kind of just want to give my brain a rest and a cleanse. I want to see the jacket as a part of my costume that I miraculously have, which is miraculously accurate, and not as a technical project that I didn't do perfectly. 'Cause it ain't perfect. There are... things.

But, you know, I see perfectionism as bad. 

Perfectionism, to me, is a symptom of low self esteem, trying so hard to please yourself and/or others because then maybe you will be "enough" for yourself, for them. It also keeps one from doing things, or getting them finished. I'd say this kind of stuff lies on a spectrum between perfectionism (the extremely obsessive-compulsive time-wasting kind) and the kind of attitude that leads some to spew out awful first drafts of their stories, and then have to trudge through for a pearl in a clamshell, or what have you. XD

The point is, I try to stay in the healthy mindset that something that exists is better than something that doesn't, but that you should also try your best. Try try try try. Don't sabotage yourself, and when you're done, try to see it through the eyes of a friend. The kind of friend we want, of course: someone who has no problem speaking the truth, but has compassion and wants you to succeed. They have standards, and they'll tell you if it's weak in some areas, but overall they want to celebrate that you did the thing, you know?

Often, I have to make sure that I'm not seeing the glass as 1/8th empty, is another way of putting it. It's 7/8ths full -- *points* -- FOCUS ON THAT!

In other great news, John Hoffman is back on FB. You know how I know? He sent me a friend request. LOL Apparently, he had been hacked back in August, and with all the wondrous things happening in his life, he hadn't the time to get this sorted right away. By the time that friend request arrived, I figured that either he didn't want to use the site anymore, or he had gotten himself a new account that couldn't be found by random AIW fangirls. Those days of just adding us willy-nilly were over, with his rising popularity. Well, I was wrong! Well, halfway wrong. He can't be found in searches, but *clutches heart* he does value the little people, and he did want to add me again. How sweet! 

This means that 1.) There is a much better change of reaching him if I ever want/need to again. 2.) He can see my posts, so I don't have to shove it in his face that I'm doing a cosplay of his character. If he sees it himself, hoorah! I can surprise him!
Also on my mind, and it's my journal so I'm just going to be candid. Rachel and I did a video chat as Hatter and Hare the night before last, and our other friends were excited about it and complimenting us on our costumes. I want to do more of those kind of things, because there's so much potential, and I get to practice improvising my mannerisms and faces. Also, I have always envied those who cosplay in pairs or trios and can interact with each other. Most of my cosplays have been of characters who have someone else they are significantly tied to (for the Joker, it's Harley Quinn; for Kurama, it's Hiei; for Jareth, it's Sarah)... but I've never had someone to be the other character. 

The only thing is, Rachel's not that good at pretending to be Hare. She put in her time with the costume, but she can't do his voice, and has no background in acting. Throw shyness into the mix, and we've got... not much. It ain't her fault, and actually it's kind of sweet because even though she's not being a convincing Hare, she seems really amused by interacting with "Hatter". 

So it's fun, but for different, smaller reasons, so I'm just kind of... hoping maybe she can come out of her shell or work on her performance, and just give herself the permission to go nuts with it. John described his pairing with Reece as "lighting in a bottle", and you can see it: they bounce off each other and then off the walls. No matter how unhinged the swing, the other still catches it. hahah Lord, do I wish I could have that. 

One funny and hopeful thing I could mention, however, is this: Reece was all up in his shell at the beginning of the show, too. He's talked about it multiple times, how he had just left behind all the heaviness and seriousness of The Phantom of the Opera, then walked into this huge, zany set where John was jumping on the table and flinging teacups. John was made for this kind of thing. He's a huge ham! Reece didn't seem to know how to be on a kids show, and is *so* awkward in the early episodes. He was afraid to break the props. The character had way fewer handles to grab onto than the more iconic roles like the Mad Hatter or the White Rabbit, who instantly conjure images and directions one could take to portray them. The March Hare in general has consistently not been well developed in the whole century that Alice's Adventures in Wonderland has had adaptations. But then, at some point, he figured it out, and he was to die for. Cute, giggly, unapologetically quirky and cheeky, while showing moments of surprising emotional depth and compassion. 

Who does he thank for this? John. 

He said specifically that it was John who helped him through a lot of his hurdles, yanked him out of his shell, and made him discover that type of expression. John, meanwhile (who was there beside him during the interview), was probably just sitting there smiling and getting bashful. He also admitted to Reece that he was often trying to provoke him, to make him upset, because he thought his uptightness was sweet. 

I mean, if you didn't ship Hatter and Hare yet. 🤩🤩🤩

I know the actors =/= the characters. My, do I. But they have undeniable chemistry that leaks into the characters. 

Anyway, I don't think I have that same sort of chemistry with Rachel, at all. But if I want to take John's lead, I should at least try as her Hatter to help her find her Hare. lol It's a stone worth turning before I start to think there's not much hope in roleplaying with her. 

~ ~ ~

Anyway, that's it, I suppose? Shit, NaNoWriMo is approaching, and once again I'm not prepared or anywhere near in the mindset to jump back into writing Crystal Palace. I still need to make pants for my cosplay, but I'm not as worried about it, so I think I need to take these last couple weeks of October to plan for next month. 

-J

Richard, dear Richard, being the sweet friend that he is, offered to give me John's email address because he thinks I should get in contact with him again. We were talking about his new show, and how cool he is, and I mentioned that once (ten years ago) John said I should send some of my writing, and that I had chickened out. Richard was outraged. YOU GOTTA SEND HIM SOMETHING! he said. John is a giver, not a taker, he said. John may be inspired by your work, or he needs someone in his office, or, or, or... What if he could mentor me, he wondered. All such fanciful thoughts. He's talking about dreams, here. Dreams he thinks can come true. He's more than double my age - maybe his optimism isn't something I should disregard. Maybe my young pessimism is more of a delusion. I don't know. I said sure, I'll take the email!

This will seem a little rando, but I don't care.

I've been having all of these bittersweet feelings, and I mean terribly bittersweet, sweet, bitter, sweet, bitter, about AIW cast member John Hoffman. The sweet feelings come from the fact that I adore the character he brought to us, and I adore him as well, I smile whenever I think of him, he was nice enough to add me on facebook twelve whole years ago, and our interactions have always been pleasant. He pops in to say supportive things to me even when the entire stupid fandom won't (for unknown reasons)... Since adding him, I have watched him go from having a sort of ambiguous writing career for lesser known things I wasn't interested in, to now, creating a series with Steve Martin and Martin Short, I mean jfc, he is living a dream. As to be expected, I'm proud of him and know that he deserves all this success (and happiness?) Also, his climbing so many levels in his 50's is hope for me that there's still plenty of time to live my passions if I keep my eye on the prize.

In some funny way, I relate to him and I relate to Hatter, although he said in our interview that there is little about Hatter that he finds relatable. hahah So when I see John succeed, it makes me wonder if maybe I can too.

The bitter feelings: this dumb worry of mine that he's too important now to care about the likes of me or the AIW group. Ain't it silly? Yeah it's silly. It's real silly. The silliest. I'm not sure if anyone else considers him an idol in a way similar to this. I had even hoped to meet him some day, since he (like several cast members) lived in SoCal, where my family also is... but he moved back to NYC. He deactivated FB recently, too, probably because it would be too much to handle on the week his show Only Murders in the Building premiered on Hulu... but now I'm like, "Will he come back?!" "Will he be in touch with our group anymore?" "Is he leaving us little people behind?" But he would be leaving all sorts of people, big and small, including his relatives, behind if he were to stay off FB forever, so it's likely he will come back. I do not feel entitled to John's time or regard, I really don't, but I did love having even just a shred of it all these years.

I was thinking about that a while ago, how crazy it is that he was hanging around with Steve fucking Martin, and then casually from time to time was on Chuckleheads, watching my fan video of "Hatter being adorable for six minutes" and then implying that I was also adorable. And commenting on watermelon teapots I had found that were from the show. You know, it's kind of like being a millionaire but stopping to pick up a penny on the street. He's the millionaire, Steve Martin was the jackpot, and I'm the penny. How long before he realizes I belong on the ground?

That's a terribly shitty thought to have about oneself, which also underestimates his kindness, and humbleness, and gratitude which he has shown all this time, which is clearly just who he is, and that wouldn't change by now.

Chin up, Jenny, come on.

I just saw the first episode, too, and it was delightful. Knowing him even just the little bit that I do, I heard lines that I thought he had probably contributed in the writing, and it's overall such a stylized dramedy, removed from reality just enough that it makes you wonder what is possible out there. When I was done watching, my priorities from hereon out became clearer: I've gotta stick with what may get me somewhere. My short-story-turned-novella needs to be finished. Time to crack down instead of floating around all these fanfics. I know I can get completely engrossed with it again.

Let's have this positive knowledge, hope, and delight carry me through the last workday before the weekend. It's got to.

-J

I now have completely adorable new Crystal Palace icons. lol

And.. I really don't have to say much, since most of my friends on this journal are friends on my other, but... I'll spell it out anyway. I interviewed John Hoffman last Tuesday for Adventures in Wonderland. From this entry on, I've always wanted him to play Akira if I ever got the chance to make the series.

WELL, IT MIGHT HAPPEN!

Not the making-the-series part, exactly, but the John-playing-Akira part, which for some reason I thought was less likely than the former.

Of course, when I say "might happen", all I mean is he didn't say no and wanted me to send him some script. And he was sweet and reminded me to protect the work with the send-it-to-yourself copyright method.

I could be overreacting to his simply being open to it, but let me overreact! He's given me a chance, and that itself is a blessing from the non-Gods.

Anyway, I feel absolutely horrible that I didn't work on anything for two months. It's always really hard for me to turn away from my creative side, even if it's for the best. I only have a little over a week of break, but in between college transfer planning and a couple other obligations, I think that I'm going to ride my excitement and do CP3 illustrations, and whatever else I feel like. :) I even started an illustration for He's There. I may not come back to the writing scene during break, but it seems like my art scene will be.. uh... prospering. XD;

Shocked Anus Jr. = priceless.