Even with all these ideas churning, it's so hot that even at night it doesn't cool down much, so in turn I didn't get enough rest in the past couple days, just from staying awake past my bedtime or not being able to nap because of the heat so that I can get up later and write.

Also, I have to do adult stuff this week. bleh

I had a doctor's appointment to raise my antidepressant dosage, and tomorrow I go to the dentist for the first time in a couple years. They have to split the exam and the cleaning into two appointments because of how long I've been away. From there, I am 100% sure that they will find a variety of cavities, and I will also need a crown. I have a front tooth that apparently started rotting on the back side after the glue from my permanent retainer bar fell off, but I honestly wasn't aware of it until the last few months, and now it's hurting a bit. lol I dug my own grave with this -- I was sick of the dentist and hate flossing and love candy. wah wah I will be returning to an office I always liked but was barred from with my last insurance plan, and they're really nice though, so there's that.

Other good news though: we had three people quit at work in the span of 24hrs because they were little bitches who wanted to be spiteful instead of put in their two weeks like adults, so my managers are on the hunt for a new employee and have told me they want to meet my scheduling requests by the next new schedule (3ish weeks from now.) SO three-day weekends are underway and I WILL NEED TO START MAKING THOSE COMMISSION BUSINESS CARDS WOAH. ♥ ♥ ♥

Speaking of art, here's Lily and Mariam kissingggggg

lol I'm feeling gayer than ever before lately and they would make just as good a couple as they each would with their canon (straight) partners, "Erik" and Jeffrey, so. XD And it's been pointed out they have a very close relationship, a lot of investment in it, and not a lot of physical boundaries. hahah So if anyone was going to ship them, they have all the ammo to explain why! Yeah, but for real, I've been feeling pretty gay and have told more than one person that I would rather find a girlfriend, if I was interested in dating at all. But I'm not. The mere idea of it is exhausting with few foreseeable benefits. It's actually surprising to realize that the value I used to put on (prospective) physical contact has gone down the toilet, for unclear reasons.

Eh, but that sure didn't stop the dude at work who gave me his number yesterday, who's the FIFTH person from the same department to have a crush on me and act on it, I guess. Dear lord, what is it about me that appeals to them? The fact I wear basically the same clothes every day? My juvenile hair accessories? My flat chest? *blows raspberry*

meh

I'll tell you what I really want offered to me: to join a writer's group and get exposure/feedback/help. That would be rewarding. Not a dude.

I told myself I wasn't going to post until I did the last picture in this set, so whoops. It look me two weeks. lol

These are my OC's. And their parents. Because when you work on a story for ten years, you accidentally start developing past generations and get interested in them. Frankly I talk about Max like he is as legitimate as anyone else and it's getting ridiculous. I should post the one-sided discussions my friend and I have about all of it.

The images are actually pretty big, so if the html was done correctly you can click on them to see details. I just really liked having the grid!

 

So yeah, I'm really excited to have it done! The only thing is now I'm wanting to draw other family members, particularly Lily's father? And also the characters at different ages, like Phantom-obsessed 8-year-old Lily? Oh vey. 

Also, I put this together as a height comparison and holy moley is there a range. Mariam's mother is like a tree elf and frankly Max must be hitting his head in every doorway, I mean Jesus. The both of them are also taller than the other dads, although Lily's comes close since he is 6'. 

So no one's here reading this, and I did myself the favor of deleting the "new friends" I made earlier this year who weren't ever responding or writing anything interesting. :) I guess LJ will just continue to be dead and hopeless. lol And yet here I am.

I did some spontaneous, new things recently, though. I made all my final chapters public here, put them under one tag, and linked them on the FB page. A couple new readers were able to read them. Since so much of it still needs fixing, it hasn't made me feel things are so worth protecting anymore. Rather get feedback so when it's changed (which it will be) it's changed for the better. Also, I made a Google Drive folder, which is kind of exciting, since that program is better at bringing people together around work like this and allowing for quick and easy commenting. People won't have to leave polished reviews anymore; they can just make remarks anywhere they think of one.

Surprisingly, a few new people came out of the woodwork when I started posting about this. I even got a super sweet message from someone who quote-unquote "tore through the first draft" and shall have "a special place for HT on the bookshelf". They had been in an abusive thing until recently so they related to later chapters and were even praising Mariam and Paulina for having character arcs that responded to abuse.

Oh, how my heart swells! I love hearing stuff like that. That's the kind of book I want to publish: the page-turner you bring out to dinner because you have to read it under the table. The one that brings about all the feelz.

I think all you have to go by to create a page-turner is to write what would make you turn the pages yourself, and that is what I do, so I will just keep on doing it. The story holds interest for me, too. I have a lot of outside imaginings that don't fit in the plot just because the characters feel real enough, and interesting enough. They can't be objectively interesting to everyone, but you know what I mean.

Fun anecdote: my friend Lian, who used to spork all of my other friend Julia/Sephirothslave's fanfictions (which should give you an indication how different in temperament we are) said she couldn't relate to Lily. She would have preferred the story center around a character like Mariam. I wasn't bothered by it, though. That's okay with me. I love Mariam, and she never gets enough acknowledgement as far as I'm concerned! Much of my feedback throughout the years has been about how readers feel Lily represents them, and I hold fast to that because I think people like her are more in need of being represented. Her counterpart, Christine, is among the characters in classic literature that are always steamrolled because of their eccentrics and introversion, too. She wasn't even given any chapters in her POV in the novel, despite being the second most important character! The main reason for that would seem to be that Leroux was writing a mystery novel and needed to keep characters who knew too much at a distance, but it still ended up hurting her a lot, with regards to how much respect she was given as a female protagonist going through SHIT NO ONE ELSE COULD IMAGINE. So yes, Mariam is a likable, spunky girl with clearer, more nonnegotiable boundaries, and an ability to cut through bullshit. She is a good role model. But does she need to be represented? I think the people who relate more to her will do just fine without it.

And, you know, this is just my opinion -- don't tell her ;) -- but I think Mariam needs just a little bit of sensitivity lessons. She relies too much on the theory of things and not enough on her empathy for unique circumstances. It is why she pushes Lily away, which is quite harmful, despite that she cares.

Well, it is a snow day but not snowy enough that I can stay home. I was convinced that it's clear enough past the icy parking lot, so I will be venturing out... TBH I'd rather stay home and write, as I've been doing the past two days for hours and hours at a time, so I'm not much looking forward to a slow-as-fuck day serving people woks and burritos. Hopefully there's something on the social front to make my 8hr shift go by faster.

:/
J

P.S. Anyone seen these candles before? { x } I'm tickled by the themes of the scents! "Headmaster's Office"! "Mad Tea Party"! "Gatsby's Mansion"! "Reading at the Cafe"! I might have to get one. They seem the kind of thing that would help you get some writing done. ;)

P.S. I have used the word "professional" in the last entry, and there is something to do with that word that happened in chapter nine.

What the hell, I'll share it:

She wouldn't stop staring at me at lunch. The entire forty five minutes was dashed with bickering about whether I would share more details. It wasn't enough to say that hardly anything had happened at all. "You've curled your hair today. What's up with that?" She asked. Nothing, I said. "I have never seen that flower before." Well I got a new one, I said. "You're acting like-- like... You and the Phantom didn't already like, do it, did you?"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" I screeched, so loud that Mrs. Vardega snapped her neck in our direction, and we had to apologize for startling her. It wouldn't happen again, we promised.

"I'm just kidding. I know it would take you a million years just to dry-hump," she said under her breath, but that wasn't even the cruelest thing she did. The cruelest thing was that she proceeded to stuff her mouth full of food and give me ten or fifteen uninterrupted seconds to think about what dry-humping the Phantom would have been like. Apparently, the conclusion I had come to was all over my face when she bothered to look at me again, and the questioning got even more passionate.

"Look, we just had a short meeting the other night..."
"NIGHT!"
"Yes, night. We have talked about this before. Anyhoo, we had a very short meeting just to talk about how we would go forward. It was practical, professional-"
"PROFESSIONAL. What, did you bring your briefcases?" Neither of us were expecting to find that so funny, so we face-planted into the opposite arms of the couch.

I already told her this, but Mariam is super cute and reminds me of my friend Gianna. I think she went into the character without me even knowing.

Well, I am pleased to say that the creativity has went on for two days in a row. Might even keep up with it!

I decided I may as well draw if I can't write, and the website needs six profile images, two of which are now complete. Two of the characters getting profile images have never been drawn in detail and color before! I mean, Westin and Mr. Worden have been sketched, but that's it! I'm excited about Mr. Worden. He's but bushy salt-and-pepper eyebrows and always looks irritated, so that should be fun.

So yeah, these girls!:





And, you know, since I've got their faces right in front of ya, why not throw in some charming interaction between them that nobody has read yet?

Her hands prodded through the notes again before she asked if she could read what he'd said that night from my phone, and I obliged, as quickly as I could, but she took her time answering. “So he made you go through all the trouble of meeting him somewhere else, but he didn't want Mariam to be there,” she clarified, just as Mariam returned, hearing her name and immediately interested in the context. I could feel my tenseness rising; I could realize in the back of my mind that something was off about this, but I would defend him, still.

“Who didn't want me to be there?” Mariam went straight for the onion rings again, sitting on her knees to reach them from across the table. I was swatting my hand like we should drop the subject all together, but Paulina had no discretion.

“Her Note-Sender.”

“He just said he was shy, is the thing, and she made him nervous. He only trusts me, he said,” and out loud the messages I'd received that day suddenly sounded strange. Or, at least, they did to Mariam and Paulina, judging by their expressions.

“So he was standing around in the dark and planning to come out all of a sudden, to meet you, if you were alone.”

“Wow wow wow, what are we talking about?” Mariam asked, and Paulina too seemed confused, I assume because she would have figured I'd told Mariam this story already. The glass light fixture above our heads became my point of focus as I clarified this admittance, but in my peripheral Mariam was just sitting there, with nothing to say. When I looked down, I could sense that Paulina wanted to say something, but she was never quick to jump to words. She finally formulated a question as Mariam had pointed her wide eyes and sarcastic grin to the table-top.

“How much evidence do you have that he's a part of that play?”
“She doesn't have any evidence,” Mariam answered for me. “And he won't give her any, either.”
“He could be in Stage Crew,” I offered.
“Maybe you should find out who he is before you meet him,” Paulina suggested. “And I don't mean asking. I mean finding out for yourself.”

“I agree. I mean we barely tried,” Mariam said. “But I watched that make-up closet constantly, and he never went in, and he never came out,” she trailed. I didn't know how to respond. The idea fleshed out in my mind of finally quelching this feeling of helplessness, of beginning something of an investigation about him, and in a way it seemed exciting. But was I the only one who gave him the benefit of the doubt?

“Well, I wonder if he stayed away from the house because he knew I'd recognize him. Or maybe Mariam would recognize him.”

“Maybe,” I answered softly.

“Yeah, but that means he doesn't want to be recognized. I thought the whole point of last night was that he would tell Lily who he is,” Mariam said, swishing her hand in my direction.

“It's definitely a little odd, but, again... if he's worried we'd recognize him, then he might be someone closer to you than you thought.”

“I bet you anything Paulina knows him; she knows everybody,” Mariam said, and although Paulina wouldn't quite brag about it, neither did she argue against it.

“Well, I'll tell you one thing: he seems like a senior. He even sounds older. Not that he is.”

The two of them were beginning to have ideas that I momentarily tuned out, simply getting lost in the notion of his age, and his intelligence. I couldn't admit it, or use it to mean anything about what I should do from there, but it attracted me and flattered me. Would either of them understand that the way he appeared... sounded... smelled... had already ensnared me, despite the peculiarities? Did I dare say it excited me that he wanted us to be alone, despite the dangers? I wouldn't believe yet that he was dangerous, and peculiarity – the very fact that we had to have a discussion about him to understand him better – was drawing me in every second.

Paulina took out a notepad, and she wanted to know everything about him. We went over every detail we could gather from the notes, and I started harnessing my smiles again, and everything remained on my mind even as the conversation shifted to other things.

On the ride back, Mariam complained she had eaten too much candy and gone to bed with a tummy ache.
“HA! Just as I had hoped,” I said.
“Shut up,” she answered, just as Paulina found herself with another question:
“You don't know anything about what he looks like... do you?”
“From what I saw of him, he's tall and thin. And I would think he was wearing something dark, but it was Halloween, so I guess that doesn't help.”

“Slenderman,” Mariam uttered, and I turned around from the front seat and slapped her on the knee just as Paulina pulled in front of her house. She faintly smiled before slinging her bag over her shoulder and stepping out. “Keep me posted,” she said with stern enthusiasm, even pointing a finger at us.

G'byyyyye! *leaps away*
-J

Mariam has really always been the Raoul, and she surprisingly turned out more like Raoul in the book than any other Raouls. Obviously she never has a romantic relationship with Lily lol, but "love interest" is not so much what defines a Raoul-type character. Mariam represents for Lily, as Raoul does for Christine, a part of her identity apart from Erik; her childhood thus far; safety; light. She actually matches some of book Raoul's impetuousness and inability to react in a way that doesn't offend Christine and make her want to keep more of her problem to herself. Choosing her, which ultimately Lily does do, is part of why Erik so dangerously retaliates and spirals out of control. Westin just picks up where Mariam leaves off by offering a glimmer of what a decent relationship might be like, and a glimmer of what Lily could do with the part of her personality that was so drawn to Erik, thinking he was the only answer.

My mom and I went there to use a "buy $50 worth, get $10 off" coupon together and buy some Strawberry Rose Champagne tea to share, and the first thing we see is this Mariam lookalike standing by the door to give samples. I was not in a tea-drinking mood because of the weather and feeling a little icky that day, so I felt bad for turning her down, but she was being real helpful to us during our entire visit. She had that same black hair that spiraled up in places up in a bun, and the thick, black rectangular glasses. She was probably about 5', and had black flats and a dark red/grey stripped sweater with three-quarter sleeves. All she needed was fruit barrettes. I was having private jollies all over the place in the form of discreet smiles when she wasn't looking.

And then, while I was there, I asked if they were hiring this summer. I may not get an internship, so I'm just accepting the simple life that I lived before my education.

P.S. I've used the "lookalike" tag before?

H'oh man, NaNoWriMo...

I've done this two times before. The first time I was so happy with the results. I posted a chapter a week (which didn't satisfy the goal of the event) but it made me feel real productive and I stuck with it until I had the 50,000 words.

The second time, I totally blew it. I blew it so hard that the very little I wrote, I didn't keep. I avoided my story for almost a year.

That makes things balanced, right? But not for Jennifer. All I can do is remember how horrible it was not getting anything done last November. I'm nervous! Even though I have a solid plot at this point, until the very end of He's There, I don't trust myself. But I'm going to sign up and say that I'm doing it anyway, because there's something about it that reminds me that I'm a writer among a world of writers, and the ones who get anything out of it put a lot in.

* * * * * * *

Chapter 42 and I haven't seen each other all week. I've wanted to work on it and smooth out some of the contradictions, but there's been a lot of homework to do, especially since I was a bad girl and put some of it off. I also had a midterm which I think I may have aced. But anyhoo, I'm going to get back to writing tonight. With any amount of luck, it will be finished tonight. Which means writing chapter 43 will be the beginning of my NaNoWriMo, which isn't a bad thing at all because the chapter has a lot going on. And (spoiler) I get to have Mariam somewhere in it. I miss her. Writing for just Lily and Erik is great, but it's not everything to me. Adding Paulina in 42 has been nice, but, if you didn't know, I connect with her as a character least.

To be clear, I'm not putting her down, though! I like Paulina. I like any character that I've ever created because they're my children. :)

Honestly speaking, I feel like my readers appreciate Mariam the least, though. I rarely even see her mentioned in reviews, but when I do, I always grin a lot. At least one person thinks that she's a good friend who's worried. There's something about her, though - I would be friends with her. I think she would be just the friend who got my shyness but wanted to help me explore the things important to me, like theatre. I'm starting to wonder if maybe all along it was Mariam who got Lily to join Drama when they entered high school, because, she being me, it fits that she would need the push or otherwise just sink into the shadows, admiring the thespians from afar.

Plus I think scientists are cute. ;) Although MAJOR edit note: WTF is Mariam doing in retard-math with Paulina? Paulina in basic algebra, sure; she's a photographer and doesn't care. Mariam in basic algebra, um... not going to get very far considering she's planning to be a chemistry major. They will have to meet each other in another class - probably an elective.

Godamn, it feels good just to be sitting here writing an entry with a cup of coffee, knowing I don't have to read something or have something prepared for class.

If I can get through the confusion of this chapter and see where I'm going with the next, maybe I'll be more optimistic about November.

Ciao.
♥ J

Just having a funny thought: LILY X MARIAM.

If there were ever fanfiction, some of it would be slash, I just know it. It's not that I tried to make them seem that way, but good friendships always look gay. ;)

The even funnier thing is that I'd read it and think it was ever-so-slightly cute.

So, I did some moderate work on the plot and completely got rid of chapter indications for 40-50. It's now just a bunch of plot paragraphs again. I don't know why I did that when I thought it would be more helpful to know what each chapter was about, but actually, some were chunks of information for multiple chapters and it wasn't that well organized.

I considered that good enough work on the plot and have thus been prepping to return! I've read old entries having to do with intentions, gathered quotes from here or there, and am getting rather nervous about everything coming together and the more deeper aspects of what's going on being revealed.

I also have read a lot of past chapters (mainly in the 20's and 30's) and just went through 37-39 (which my beta operaghostess left a wonderful long review for and I was saving to reply to until I was coming back from hiatus.)

But... to get myself really in the mood to write this long-postponed Chapter 40 after Lily and Erik kissed the first time and she was fighting with Mariam, I did something quite new. I wanted the feeling of this chapter to be falling into the abyss of infatuation for Erik, but guiltily and filled with tension. The tension is from Mariam, and she's becoming a voice growing in strength that says this is not okay. And I really like Mariam as a character, so it was natural to want to really know how she was feeling and use that to give the chapter its balance. So, I wrote in her POV. I might do more of it as prep since their friendship, with all its ups and downs, will be put in a spotlight during chapters 40-50.

But for the time being, I have this email, and it's very interesting because I had to think about how she would write it and give her her own voice. I know that her and Lily wouldn't write the same, especially over the computer (Mariam's incredibly lazy and usually doesn't even capitalize.) Also, talk about a change in opinion. I spend 39 chapters writing about why the Phantom could be appreciated and Mariam has no fond thoughts for him at all. It's a little fascinating, actually, when you start plunging into different perspectives. Writing for her makes me feel like I'm channeling someone's feelings about a real problem. lol

Lily,

Before I can go on another day I need to say this to you, because it's been driving me mad, and now that you're already angry with me, things can't get worse. I avoided being completely honest in the past because I respected your feelings and wasn't sure if what I thought was right, but now things are getting ridiculous and I'm probably the only one who will say something rational.

I knew he was up to something. Since day one. In fact it was you who said how strange it was that a stranger wanted to meet you at the theater building out of nowhere, and me who thought you were being too suspicious. Well.. I regret that now. And no, before you get any ideas, it was hardly because he wouldn't tell you who he was. I was teasing you. It was when he started telling you what to do and making you mad that I thought he had some nerve when he had met you like a month ago, or less than a month ago. You claim that that is part of the roleplay but he's just kept barging in to our personal lives and following even me and Paulina around. Who knows if you've even heard the full story, but it hasn't been that nice. It's only been "nice" for you. I got that. I believe you, I think he probably does a lot of nice things for you, but it's in a certain context which I do not know if you see. Which is that he is clearly obsessed with you. That's not good nor is it the same as having a crush. He is OBSESSED, and (I can't believe I'm about to compliment him) has done something really smart thinking if he talks to you as a phantom that you will listen to him. But you listen too much and that's why I get freaked out. That stuff about you being a weirdo --- it's crap. He's alienating you from us. All he ever does is pull you away, make you devote all your energy to him, believe God knows what. I only hear snipits from Paulina that don't make any sense. And yeah, Paulina's gotten on my nerves too, something just doesn't set right with me with how she worked her way around the both of us. I heard about how she has talked to him and tried to find things out about him but shit, I don't know her that well and sometimes I wonder if she's on his side or something, because she always encourages you to work things out with him.

If it were ever just a "roleplay" you would not be acting so serious about it. I don't want to be going around having fights with you but you seem like you're losing it. I'm not the bad guy. Okay fine, for argument's sake I won't call 'the phantom' the bad guy either, but you don't seem to have your guard up with him. You have your guard up with me but not at all with him, it makes no sense. It's frustrating because the more you just trust him and not tell the whole story to me, the more he'll take advantage of it. He's probably loving this, just reeling you in one day at a time, nobody to stop him... of course, you don't believe me at all. You've even ignored that he's scared me more than once. I don't know what else to fucking say because it's so obvious except I'm NOT trying to be the bad guy, but if you're just going to ignore me, I guess you have to figure it out on your own. Or maybe, since you listen to Paulina more than me, she will finally say something that takes into account reality and you will listen to her.

Well, those are my thoughts. Sorry that they actually come between us.

It may turn out that this is in Chapter 40, actually. Anyway... that's all for now. I think I'll go write more. :) Narrative-wise, perhaps.

Lily did not turn out so well, but the Giry girls did!



I squeezed this out during Geology, though I wasn't really having a drawing day and used way too much eraser, and I don't think Giry is quite tall enough. In those shoes, she ought to be 5'7 or 8"!

But I made the full version of this outfit. It seemed pretty enough for a dance. :D

Bababooee.

More things like this need to be drawn!
Like, seriously. I don't know, as the story has gone on I've gotten to like their partnership a lot more than I thought I would, with the shared acting, weird inside jokes about birds and Erik, and being "lesbians". I didn't want choosing "the phantom" to be such an easy choice, with zero dimensions, I wanted it to always be hard because of what they had.

I want to show their Winter Formal dresses! Their theme colors are definitely purple and red.
And I want to draw them back in freshman year! And at the end of the story, as they will have slightly changed their looks.

... I also wanna draw "Erik" standing by his two Phantom inspirations. Except poor Rob's gonna look short. XD He's 5'9", mine is 6'1", and Charles is 6'3". Oh well.